by Becky Cairns
‘Listen to your heart Alex. Follow it. Trust it. You have me. You have us. You have…’
‘Wakey, wakey Auntie Lex. Time to get up and play.’
I feel myself being bounced around. Groggily I open one eye to see Bethany jumping up and down at the bottom of my bed full of energy. Ah the joys of being young and the incapacity of having a lie in!
‘Mummy said we can have a picnic today as it is nice weather. We are going to the park!’
‘Beth, get down from there now!’ Painstakingly I turn my head from the bouncing bundle of joy to see Maggie walk into the room with a cup of coffee in her hand. ‘What have I told you about jumping on beds?’
‘But I want Auntie Lex to play with me,’ Bethany whines.
‘She will in her own time. Let her wake up first. Not everyone is as bright as you in the mornings.’
‘Mornings are best!’ she says as she catapults off the bed and onto the floor, before hurtling out of the room.
‘That child is always up with the sun. I’m sure she’ll have a different attitude when she hits her teenage years,’ Maggie states while placing the cup of coffee on the nightstand next to the bed.
‘You can blame my brother for that wonderful gene. He was always a morning person. Come rain or shine he’d be up at the crack of dawn eager for the day to begin.’
‘Yes, as I remember, that was the one quality I always irritated by,’ Maggie smiles and a brief melancholy settles between the two of us as we think back to the man who added a ray of sunshine to our lives. No matter what the weather or how low we felt, we could always rely on Thomas to brighten our day.
However, the joyful image of Thomas’s face turns to one of sadness and eyes filled with fear, like the one presented in the dream, just before being hit. Changing the subject quickly I ask Maggie about the picnic she has planned.
‘Oh, I thought with the promise of beautiful weather and as you are here, we could spend the majority of the day at the park. Bethany’s not due in for school and a bit of fresh air will do us a world of good. I also know how you love to spoil your niece whenever the opportunity arises.’
‘How can I refuse?’
‘Great. I’ll make a start on the food and drink.’ Gazing at her watch she says, ‘Say, be ready by ten, quarter past at the latest?’
‘It sounds perfect.’
Her features soften. ‘I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too Maggie, both you and little Bethany.’
‘I’ll leave you to get ready then.’ She goes to stand but half way up she pauses and turns to me placing a hand on my shoulder. ‘Everything will be fine in the end, you’ll see,’ and she leans in giving me a motherly kiss on my head, smiles and walks away, leaving only my thoughts for company.
I hope she’s right.
There is nothing more tranquil than soaking up the rays of the sun beaming down on your face, with a gentle breeze drifting in the air and around you, sweeping away your troubles as it floats off into the distance, and all this in the company of those you love. It’s a memory I will hold onto for the rest of my life.
As I lay here, arms behind my head, eyes closed, touch and sound are heightened. The slightly damp blades of grass dance across my skin encouraging me to sway to their rhythm and I hear Bethany’s high-pitched squeal in the distance causing my lips to spread into a tender smile. Such sweet innocence and at times I wish I could regain that quality of my life.
Full from the delicious spread Maggie put together, I now listen to the world around me. Many breeds of birds singing in harmony to their own song and flittering from tree to tree, occasionally stopping on the ground to pick up a morsel of food left behind from previous picnickers. Children’s innocent joy as they chase each other around the park. Dogs lollop this way and that, a few mischievous ones throwing themselves into the pond in a vain attempt to catch a squawking duck, with their owners standing on the edge going ballistic. And in the secluded corners of this magical place you’ll find courting couples whispering sweet words of love and affection to one another, continuously touching with a kiss or two to show what words cannot, oblivious to the obstacles life has in store for them. Oh to be young love’s dream.
‘Humph.’ I open my eyes and look to my side to see a worn out Maggie, collapsed and flat out on the rug. ‘That’s it! I’m exhausted.’
‘Come on mummy, you can’t sit down yet, I still want to play,’ whines Bethany while in the process of tugging on her poor shattered mother’s arm.
‘You’ve worn me out my little darling. Why don’t you see if your wonderful Auntie would like to join you?’ She gazes at me with a twinkle in her eye. ‘I think it’s about time Alex should be put through her paces and spend some quality time with you and your energy, while I’ll just recoup and bask in the sun,’ and she does exactly that. Eyes close, head back and she’s gone, gently breathing in the fresh air as she takes a nap.
Not a second later, my arm is being viciously tugged and I am forced from my comfortable position. ‘I’m coming, I’m coming.’ Stretching my legs and dusting off the dirt I ask her what she has in mind.
‘I want to feed the ducks!’
‘Okay. Grab the bag your mum put aside for you. Good girl. Now hold my hand and we’ll feed the hungry ducks.’ With her little delicate hand in mine we stroll over, well, Bethany skips, to where the ducks gather at the water’s edge.
‘Lovely ducks!’ and she lets go of my hand to run towards them.
‘Slow down Bethany, you don’t want to scare them away.’
She stops in her tracks and waits for me to catch up. Making sure I have a firm grip of her hand, we stand at a safe distance on the grass verge. Once warning her not get too close to the water I begin to break the two slices of bread into edible bite size pieces for the overfed ducks scattering around our feet.
‘Here you go. Now crouch down and hold your hand out flat. Keep it still. There you go.’
‘It tickles,’ she giggles as several Mallard ducks peck at the crumbs in her open palm. ‘More! More!’ Bethany jumps up and down, unable to contain her excitement.
‘Okay, okay. Stop jumping about like Zebedee and hold your hand out.’
Bethany jolts her hand away when the Geese join in so she reverts throwing the bread into the water instead. It’s not long before another little girl in pigtails accompanies her.
While keeping an eye out for Bethany feeding the scavenging mayhem of ducks, I take this chance to look about the beautiful surroundings.
The sunlight sprinkles its light across the pond, dancing in the ripples caused by ducks, pond life and young children throwing sticks into the water. Reeds sway in the occasional breeze that glides through the air strumming to a beat only they can feel.
Tinkling laughter drifts to my ears and I look over to the origin to see a picture to melt even the toughest of hearts. A father swinging his young daughter in the air, beaming smiles lighting up their faces and then he lowers her to the ground to blow raspberries on her cheeks.
There is nothing dark about this place. No mysterious men lurking in the shadows ready to jump out and take you with force. No guns pointing at the temple of a trembling young woman fearing for her life. No body floating in the murkiness of the waters who was once a loved member of a family. There is nothing but fun and contentment caused by families, friends and loved ones enjoying each other’s company in an idyllic spot. I for one feel at home in this little Garden of Eden.
‘Auntie Lex?’
I peer down to the little bright-eyed girl tugging at my top.
Crouching down and taking both her hands in mine I reply, ‘What is it sweetheart?’
‘There’s a man that keeps staring at me.’
‘I’m sure he’s not staring at you…’
‘Yes he is,’ she pouts. ‘He’s over there, staring,’ and I follow the direction of her finger to a man on the other side of the pond on the far end that is, ind
eed, staring in this direction. ‘Why is he staring at me Auntie? Does he want to feed the ducks? We could share the bread.’
What is it with this guy? He better not be a paedophile after…hold on a sec! He seems awfully familiar.
The longer I stare at him the more his features are recognisable - the dark unruly hair for instance. For some unfathomable reason I can imagine myself styling it into several plates because at one stage it got too long and he refused to get it cut. And that beard. It looks out of place, like it doesn’t belong. He strikes me as a clean shaven type of man, but there is reason for the beard. Maybe a disguise, like he is purposely trying to fade into the background. Then there’s the stance. Hands in pockets, shoulders slightly hunched, feet apart. It’s the “little lost boy” look I remember someone else used to do whenever he didn’t get his own way. Everything about this man is screaming out at me, but what?
The more I try to figure him out the further my eyes squint and I feel a headache coming on. The atmosphere around me simply melts away. Then he smiles and my heart ceases to beat. It’s like a ghost has tapped me on the shoulder.
Am I seeing what I think I am? No it can’t be possible! It’s an illusion, it must be! Then again, Bethany sees it too. She was the one to alert me to him after all.
I am pulled out of my spiralling mind by the tug of my top and the call of my name. I peer down to see eyes brimming with tears staring at me, scared and confused.
On their own accord my eyes drift back to the enigma of a man but he has disappeared. I frantically dart my head back and forth across the park to no avail. The man has vanished.
‘That was my daddy,’ the tiny voice squeaks and I gaze towards my niece to spot a tiny tear glide down her porcelain cheek, chin quivering as she tries to contain her emotion.
‘Come here sweetheart, it’s okay,’ and I bend down, pick her up and cradle her in my arms. Her chubby limbs wrap around my neck and she buries her face against my shoulder, quietly crying her heart out. ‘Come on; let’s take you back to mummy. I think we’ve had enough for one day.’
I can feel her fragile form shiver against my body.
As we approach Maggie stirs from her doze, but when she takes in the scene of her troubled child her motherly instincts take hold and her face morphs into one of concern.
‘What happened?’ Maggie asks while lifting herself into a sitting position.
Before I have the chance to reply, Bethany wriggles from my grasp and runs towards her mum, tears now flowing freely down her pale face.
‘I saw daddy,’ she muffles from within the cocoon of Maggie’s embrace. ‘I saw daddy staring at me, over there,’ she blindly waves her arm in the direction of the pond.
Maggie frowns then looks up at me for elaboration.
What am I to say? I’m still trying to figure out what I saw back there and now she expects to explain! How to reassure her without sounding completely out of my mind?
‘Bethany spotted a guy staring at us from the other side of the pond. She’s adamant that it was her dad. He disappeared before I could get another look at him. However, he did have a startling resemblance to Thomas, but that is all.’
Even as I explain to Maggie something inside denies the truth of my statement. There’s something not right about the whole scenario, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I can conclude logically for what I saw was that it was the result of the previous dream mixed with wishful thinking and hey presto, I start conjuring up Thomas look-alikes!
Wretchedness settles over Maggie as all the pain and memories come flooding back with the mention of her deceased husband. Wait a minute, is that hope I see? It’s not possible; he’s dead for Christ’s sakes and never coming back!
What was supposed to have been a lovely day filled with fun and happiness has turned to one filled with nothing but sorrow and aching hearts.
‘What have I told you about daddy, Beth?’ Maggie says looking into her daughter’s weeping eyes, hers also starting to mist. ‘Daddy has gone to the big place in the sky. Right now he is looking down at us and wondering what all this fuss is about. So why don’t we show daddy how happy we are and give him that lovely smile of yours he adored.’ She nods and a weak smile appears. ‘That’s my girl.’
‘Can we go home now?’ Bethany asks, her voice barely a whisper.
‘Of course darling, of course.’
Just when they are finally getting their life back on track this happens. It’s like watching a car crash. You can see what’s going to happen but you’re powerless to stop the inevitable and when the wreckage occurs there’s only so much you can do to help without getting hurt in the process.
My life is seriously messed up. If finding out my fiancée is not the law abiding citizen he made out to be, but is in fact the murderer at the hands of my brother’s death, falling in love with a man who kidnapped me and if experiencing things only seen on television is not enough, now I have to contend with seeing phantoms of my brother!
Why is this happening to me now?
‘Alex, we’re going now.’
Refocusing my attention, I see Maggie and Bethany standing hand in hand, all packed and ready to go, waiting for me to join them.
‘I’m coming. Let’s go home,’ I sigh.
I only manage to walk a few steps when something catches my eye. Glancing over to the clump of trees I see the man from earlier sitting on a bench in the shade, with the addition of a blue cap.
As I catch his eye my breath becomes restricted, my throat constricts and my lungs clam up. It feels like I am suffocating. The hairs on my arm stand on end, fingers slippery with sweat. And yet I can’t look away. I find myself drawn to him instead.
He shuffles, flicking an imaginary bit of dirt off his jeans before finally looking up and locking eyes. Eyes so expressive even from this distance. What is he trying to tell me?
Coming to a decision he settles on tapping the peak of his cap with his fingers indicating…what? A greeting? A sign of knowing? A connection? Whatever the reason I find it unnerving, but that doesn’t stop me from nodding in reply with no inclination of why.
Then he is up and away around the corner, disappearing as if nothing took place.
Lost in the swarm of questions swirling around in my head I numbly trail after Maggie and Bethany, with the unsettling feeling as my shadow.
Chapter Thirty-One
After Maggie put Bethany to bed at half eight, we return to the living room, sit down on the sofa with a glass of red wine and soft music playing in the background.
‘How is she now?’ I say to break the silence.
‘She has finally calmed down and stopped asking every five minutes when her daddy is coming back from the park. She still believes she saw him.’
I don’t know what to say so instead I look away and my thoughts naturally turn to the event that occurred back at the park.
I take a sip of my wine to wet my lips. The smooth liquid glides down my throat to settle in the depths of my stomach, warming my body throughout. My eyes drift shut to soak up this comforting sensation.
‘Who was he Alex?’
Eyes spring open and I swiftly turn to the soft whisper.
‘Sorry?’
‘The man you and Bethany saw, who was he?’
‘How the hell should I know? He was just a Thomas look-alike who kept on staring at us then disappeared.’
‘What are you trying to hide?’
‘What do you mean? I’m not trying to hide anything…’
‘There’s more to this encounter than you’re making out to be, your body language says it all.’
‘My body language? My body isn’t doing anything…’
‘You’re acting defensive for a start.’ She sighs and turns to gaze into her wine, frown marring her angelic features. ‘Listen Alex, I didn’t want to tell you this, you had so much on your mind as it was, what with your upcoming wedding and all, but, well, I think you deserve to know, especially in light of what occurred t
his afternoon.’
After taking a rather large mouthful of wine Maggie continues. ‘Two months ago I started to get this unsettling feeling as if someone was watching me every time I took Bethany to and from school and when I went shopping. At first I thought nothing of it, but then that feeling intensified as each week went by. However, when I looked around me no one was there. No one was ever there. I passed it off as nothing more than my imagination playing tricks on me.
‘Ever since Thomas’s death I feel unprotected. I think it’s an unconscious thing on my part, what with not having a man constantly around and looking after Bethany.
‘Over the last couple of weeks this unsettling feeling had diminished, until today that is.’ Maggie looks up making sure to capture my eye line. ‘I don’t think what you saw was a coincidence. And I don’t think you’ve told me the truth. You’ve uncovered something and for reasons that are your own, you’re unwilling to tell me.’
Maggie, please stop!
‘What’s going on Alex? What is it you won’t tell me?’
‘Maggie, honestly…’
‘Please Alex don’t play me for a fool.’ She shifts a bit closer, trying to persuade me to convey my information. ‘From the moment you vanished you’ve been acting odd. You disappear without a word for one thing is out of the norm. You never just up and leave without informing someone, providing someway of contacting you if need be. You would have had some sort of explanation, no matter how pathetic. Just something to ease our minds, but there was nothing. Nothing Alex!’
‘I told you why I left suddenly. William and I…’
‘That’s just a load of bull and don’t you dare tell me otherwise. What is going on with you? You turn up out of blue looking dishevelled and like you hadn’t had a decent meal in days. And another thing! Whenever William is mentioned your body stiffens and you look anywhere but at me. It’s got more to do with him than you’re making out. Why can’t you just tell me Alex?’