by Becky Cairns
I’m afraid of what the future has in store for me. I’m clinging to the past, I felt safe then, but there is only so long I can do that. Eventually it will start to drift away becoming nothing more but a distant memory that will slowly fade over time and this is what scares me the most. I’m afraid of forgetting and moving on with my life when I know he won’t be a part of it.
Ultimately I am afraid of letting go and it has taken me this long to finally realise this.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Walking back onto the ward I stop dead in my tracks when I spot Gareth sitting up in bed, eyes staring unseeing ahead and his hand clutching the piece of paper with the number on it. The haunted look in his eyes cannot be mistaken. He is fearful of something and also sad, his slightly raised eyebrows is a testament to that. I wonder what could be the cause behind it.
‘Gareth?’ I say while continuing to go towards him.
He doesn’t even flinch.
‘Gareth?’
It isn’t until I touch his hand do I get any recognition of my presence.
‘What? Oh, it’s you. Have you been standing there long?’
‘Erm, no, just got back. Is everything alright?’
‘Of course,’ he frowns. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’
‘It’s just that you looked ever so worried a minute ago.’
‘Me? Worried? Nah, I’m fine. Why would I have anything to worry about?’
‘Thought it may have something to do with that number I gave you.’
‘What this?’ he lifts it up. ‘No, this is just a number that doesn’t mean anything.’
‘I don’t understand. Dougie said…’
‘Well Dougie can go and screw himself,’ Gareth snaps, his cheeks turning a rosy hue. ‘He doesn’t know his arse from his elbow half of the time.’
‘What has gotten into you? Why are you behaving like this?’
‘Like what? I’m just being myself.’
‘No you’re not. You’re turning into someone I don’t recognise.’
‘Yeah, like you knew me before hand,’ he glares at the wall in the opposite direction.
Why is he behaving like this? What is wrong with him?
‘Why are you being such an arsehole? Are you deliberately trying to push me away? Is that it Gareth? Is it?’ He shifts his body away. ‘Say something then.’
‘Just go Alex.’
‘Go? And where do you expect me to go to! You could at least have the decency to look at me when I’m talking to you.’
What’s going on? Just when I thought things were working out for the better. I wish Dougie never bumped into me!
‘Why can’t you talk to me? What’s going on in that head of yours Gareth?’
I reach out to ruffle his hair but he jerks away from my touch like he has been electrocuted. My heart constricts at the rejection.
‘I said leave me alone Alex,’ and he levels me with his glare. At least he is looking at me now.
His words may be filled with hatred, or in the least have the intention to cause pain, but all I see in his eyes is the opposite. He doesn’t want me to go; it is killing him inside to say that he does, so why is he saying it? Is he trying to protect me? If so, from what? I wish he would just talk to me.
‘What are you scared of?’ He frowns, mouth ajar in preparation to speak but I jump in before he has chance. ‘No point in denying it, I can see it in your eyes.’ Gareth swiftly turns his attention to the bed linen. ‘Was it to do with that number? Did you call it? Who was it?’
‘I just want you safe Alex,’ he finally says, tone desolate. He looks up, eyes lock and all I see is sadness. It is pervasive and reveals his troubled soul. ‘I don’t think I can do that.’
Oh God.
‘What are you trying to say? Tell me Gareth, please, I need to know.’
‘I don’t think you should be here anymore. With me. Go back to your life.’
‘What life? I have no life, you made sure of that! I couldn’t go back to it even if I wanted to. Not now that I know the truth. How am I supposed to face Maggie and Bethany knowing my fiancé, my fiancé, the man Bethany adores, killed her father and Maggie’s husband? I couldn’t…I just couldn’t, I…’ I am working myself up in a state just thinking about it.
How can Gareth be doing this to me?
‘Alex, Alex, Alex, shhh, Alex, come here. Come here,’ he draws me into an embrace. ‘It’s okay, Alex, everything will be fine.’ Warmth spreads throughout my back as his hand creates little circular movements. ‘It will all work out for the best, you’ll see.’ Heated moisture presses against my temple. ‘You are something special, remember that. Whatever happens, always remember that.’
I don’t like the sound of this. The way the words rolled off of his tongue leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
‘You are beginning to scare me now.’
‘I’m sorry, that’s the last thing I want to do. I just want you to realise that I may not always be here.’
I jerk back to look him in the face.
‘And what do you mean by that?’
‘Come on Alex, you’ve had a taster of my life. It’s not exactly a bed of roses. Not one day is the same and you’ll always be looking over your shoulder and second guessing. That’s not the life you should have.’
‘But you could change, we can change. You could get a job, a legal one, we could move into an apartment together, start a new life away from London. There is nothing to keep us here so why not. It’s possible, we could…’
‘No Alex, we couldn’t, can’t you see? I will never be able to have that life you described. I’ve tried it once before and look where that got me! It’s simply never going to happen. And as for nothing to keep us here, that’s right in my case, but in regards to you, you do have a life in London. Your job for starters and then there is your sister-in-law and niece, plus Zoe, your best friend. So you see, you have everything going for you. As for a man in your life, well, I’m sure it won’t be long before a strapping young lad grabs your attention, sweeps you off your feet and captures your heart. You’re a gorgeous woman Alex with a lovely personality, how could a man resist?’
‘But I don’t want another man, I want you!’
A deep sigh rumbles through his chest and his crystal eyes shift their attention to some meaningless thread of fabric that has woven loose from the hospital blanket.
‘I wish it were as simple as that,’ Gareth mumbles to himself.
What am I expected to say to that?
‘Alex,’ he continues more audibly. ‘Why don’t you go back to your family and friends, visit Maggie and Bethany and get back the normality you need. Maybe then you’ll be able to think clearer on what you actually want.’ I go to protest but am rudely interrupted. ‘At least go back to see them to let them know you’re not dead. They deserve to know that much. I’ve caused enough trouble as it is; I don’t want to be responsible for a family breakdown as well.’
I don’t know if I can face them though.
But as I peer deep into Gareth’s eyes I see his unspoken wish. He needs to be alone, have time with his thoughts and this is his subtle way of telling me to get lost. And though it pains me to say it, I agree. Maybe he is right; I do need time away from him to get my head straight.
‘Fine, but I don’t want you to leave.’
‘Well it’s not like I am going to go anywhere soon now is it,’ he says while lifting up the wire and tubing linking him to monitors and other vital medical equipment.
‘Hmmm, well Nurse Harding has my number if anything happens…’
‘Just go will you,’ a smile joins the twinkle in his eye. ‘I’ll be fine,’ and he almost shoves me off the bed.
‘Okay, I can take the hint.’ I bend down for one more lingering kiss. The smooth oaky taste of lingering whiskey sizzles on my taste buds leaving me drowning in its flavour. ‘Don’t disappear on me.’
‘I won’t…’
‘Promise me.’
‘Alex…’
>
‘Promise me Gareth. Promise me I won’t come back to an empty bed. I need to hear you say it.’
‘I promise Alex. I promise you won’t come back to an empty bed. Now go.’ I make a move to leave but hesitate. ‘Alex,’ he says sternly.
‘Fine, fine, I’m going. I won’t be more than a day or two.’
‘No rush,’ he smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. An uncomfortable feeling starts to brew in the pit of my stomach.
He’s up to something and by the look on his face it can’t be good. I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.
Off to see Maggie.
I don’t know how I’ll be able to face her but I know I must. What am I going to say to her? Of course she is going to ask questions about my sudden disappearance, but I can’t exactly tell her the truth, can I? No, not if I want to keep Gareth safe. Oh Christ, what a dilemma!
Turning right into Clemons Street the houses get progressively nicer as the taxi travels further into the heart of the estate. Hedges are shaped, electronic iron gates secure the properties and the road is decorated with evenly spaced out trees on the pavement.
Finally we pull up outside the house with a royal red coloured door and a fur tree growing in the front garden.
I have arrived.
Paying the driver I step out of the taxi on shaky legs.
I don’t think I can do this. Oh get over yourself Alex, you’re made of stronger stuff than this, where’s your backbone. Get a grip!
‘Okay, deep breaths. Sooner or later I’d have to face them, might as well be now.’
As each step draws me closer my heart increases its pace and my stomach turns over and over and I feel the need to be sick. The creaking of the iron gates only heightens my already highly agitated state.
Closing my eyes and taking one last reassuring lungful of air I go to ring the doorbell.
‘Coming!’ a smile graces my face as I hear Maggie’s chirpy voice drift to my ears, then a slight clonking of objects and a curse word. ‘Bethany! What have I told you about leaving your toys at the bottom of the stairs? Would you kindly come and take them up to your room please before I trip over and break my neck?’
Thunderous stomping comes from within and I imagine Bethany running down the stairs with a frown on her face. The sound echoes about the place again as I presume Bethany returns to her bedroom.
Then with a click-clack the front door swings open to reveal a slightly dishevelled Maggie.
‘Hello, how may I…’ but her greeting dies along with her cherry smile as soon as she realises who has come knocking on her door.
‘Hi Maggie,’ I reply sheepishly. ‘Can I come in?’
‘So let me get this straight. You and William had a huge argument after he caught you acting a bit too familiar with another man and now neither of you are speaking to each other and instead of talking to Zoe or myself, you decided to disappear for a few days without leaving word of where you had gone in order to get your head together?’
‘Yep, that’s pretty much it,’ I say after taking a sip of my tea.
After a couple of minutes of hysteria I finally managed to calm Maggie down enough to explain my fabrication of a story and now we are sitting on her sofa having tea and biscuits, typically British of us.
‘What I don’t understand is, why? You could have come to me; I thought you knew that, especially after all we have been through these past seven months.’
And the guilt digs further into my gut.
‘I had to be on my own for a while. You know what I am like Maggie. Before I speak to anyone else about situations I let it run havoc in my head, try to pick it apart. I know it’s not the healthiest way to sort through problems, but it’s a coping method of mine.’
‘I know Alex, I do know, it’s just that I’ve been so worried after I couldn’t get hold of you. I thought something happened to you. But your explanation explains a lot.’
Explains a lot? The teacup pauses on its journey to my mouth.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, after several unsuccessful calls to your mobile and house phone I decided to go over to your place. However, when I was approaching your door, William came rushing out, almost knocked me over! His clothes were unkempt, hair dishevelled and he had this wild look in his eyes. I asked him what the matter was, to which he replied, “The bastard’s going to get what’s coming to him,” and without further explanation he hurtles down the stairs and out of the building. I haven’t seen him since.’
Oh no.
‘William must have some serious jealousy issues. After all, you were only being nice to the guy. It’s amazing how your perception of a person can dramatically change in the space of a few minutes.’ If only you knew Maggie, if only you knew.
‘I guess I am better off finding out now rather than five years down the line. Don’t want to end up with a jealous husband.’
I need to stop this conversation. I can’t bear lying to her any longer it is doing my head in! With each untruth I utter is another puncture to my heart.
Abruptly I place the saucer and cup of unfinished tea onto the coffee table with a clutter and go to stand.
‘I’m sorry Maggie, I can’t do this anymore.’
‘Alex…’
‘I’m too tired to speak further on the subject.’
‘There’s no need to apologise to me, I understand the hardship you have been through. Rest will do you a world of good.’
Why do you have to be so nice Maggie? It only makes lying to you more painful.
‘Can I stay the night?’
‘Of course you can, there’s no need to ask. In fact, you can stay for as long as you like.’
‘I don’t want to impose…’
‘Don’t be stupid Alex, you wouldn’t be imposing. Bethany and I love having you around, it’s just a shame we don’t see you as often as we would like to. I know, why don’t you stay till the end of the week. Bethany would love to show you all her new toys and talk endlessly about school and as for me I could do with the adult company for a change. There is only so much of playing tea parties with dollies and soft toys I can take.’
I am so glad Maggie is in my life. She’s one amazing woman. Never fails to lift your spirits.
‘I’ll think about it.’
‘Thank you,’ she leans over and squeezes my hand. ‘Right. I know who will be buzzing with excitement to see you. I’ll be right back,’ and off she goes to retrieve Bethany.
Till the end of the week she said. That gives me three days in their company. I can do that and Gareth will be alright until then. Like he said, he won’t be going anywhere.
So I have three days.
Three days to feel normality again.
Three days to sort my head out.
Three days to work out what the hell I want to do with my life.
Chapter Thirty
‘Wakey, wakey Lexi. Time to rise and shine, it’s your big day today!’
‘Go away Thomas.’
‘Come on sis, you can’t miss your driving test!’
‘I said go away.’
Using what energy I have I manage to lob a pillow at him, whether or not it hit him is a different matter as I currently have my head smothered under my bed cover.
‘And I said wake, up!’ and I find myself unceremoniously thrown from my bed, tumbling to the ground. However, the expected thump and hard impact of my wooden floor doesn’t come. Instead I find myself sitting in the driver’s seat of a car. A scuffling noise catches my attention and looking across to my left there’s a man holding a clipboard, pen in pocket and name badge pinned to his left breast side of his coat.
‘Are you ready, Alex?’
‘Ready for what?’ I ask confused.
‘Ready for your test of course.’
‘Test, right, got it,’ and I fix my eyes on the tarmac ahead. I let the handbrake off and gradually press down on the accelerator, slow
ly edging forward on the road.
As I round the corner, the instructor directs, ‘Head for that target.’
Seeing nothing, I turn to the man and ask, ‘What target?’
‘The one with the pin stripe shirt,’ he sneers and before I can contradict him, the car leaps forward at an alarming rate. In shock I gaze down to my feet only to see them nowhere near the pedals, but the accelerator is flush with the floor. The pin stripe shirt looms ever closer. Fear gripping my heart I try twisting the steering wheel this way and that, but nothing. The car remains in a straight line, getting faster and faster - 30mph, 40mph, and 50mph. I have no control over the car.
I turn to my instructor with fear only to be further shocked when I see William sitting in his place staring back at me, gun in hand with its barrel pointing directly at my forehead. This is it I panic. This is how my life is going to end.
‘That’s it Alex, keep on driving.’
‘Stop it William, just stop it! How could you? How could you?’
Tears start to slide down my cheek as an image of Thomas’s face with his favourite pin stripe shirt comes crashing into my windscreen, then goes flying over the hood of the car. Before smashing into his body I see my baby brother mouth the word “sorry” and all this happens in slow motion. As if time has slowed down specifically to capture the horrific moment.
I gaze into the rear view mirror to see the ghastly scene of his body lying bloody and crumpled on the cold, damp tarmac, bits of car light littering the street.
With pure rage burning me up inside I snap my head back round to my passenger, a thousand hateful words ready to fire off the tip of my tongue, but William no longer occupies the seat.
Silvery blue light shines in my direction surrounded by dirty blonde locks flopping down either side, framing his handsome rugged face. A small smile lifts up one side of his mouth as he whispers into the darkness, ‘You have me. Everything will be fine.’
It’s infectious and I am uncontrollable to return one in kind. Feeling an overwhelming sense of being safe I allow myself to rest my tired eyes and let the warmth of Gareth’s voice wash over me as he continues to whisper.