by Becky Cairns
Making my way to Gareth’s ward I take in those around me. Young kids holding their new baby brother or sister and taking on the role of proud sibling like a duck to water, while their parents look on with a tender smile seeing their future laid out before them. Families gather around their loved ones’ bed as they try holding on to the last threads of life, before their bodies give way to the afterlife. Teenage boys plastered up to the nines all because their egos couldn’t say no to the challenge their best friend set before them. One man is even being attended to with the removal of a fishing hook through his lip. Yes, this hospital has seen all sorts pass through its doors, from the dangerous and downright bizarre to the wonderful and magical. Life is never dull in a place like this.
Entering Gareth’s room my heart quivers as I see him peacefully lying in the bed sound asleep. Tiptoeing my way over to the chair beside it I have the opportunity to observe him at my leisure.
His blonde hair frames his face like a halo, the harsh lines that are prominent around his eyes have smoothed away giving him a certain youngish and innocent glow. He almost appears angelic. My fingers itch with the need to caress his rough contours of his skin. A strand of hair has fallen perfectly across his forehead and I imagine myself delicately sweeping it back in place while losing myself in his smoky eyes.
‘Damn you’re beautiful,’ he startles me with his husky voice. ‘That smile could get any man’s heart beating.’
‘I thought you were asleep,’ I whisper and a smile sneaks its way onto my face.
‘Dozing, but somehow I knew it was you who walked through the door.’
‘Why didn’t you open your eyes then?’
‘I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to scrutinise without you knowing.’ I have missed his cheeky grin. Yes, I am doing the right thing.
‘Cheeky git.’
‘You have a beautiful smile. Your eyes are wonderful, very expressive. The longer I stare the further I fall into the spell you hold over me. And when you laugh it’s like chime bells ringing a sweet melody. It’s contagious and makes me want to laugh right alongside. I have never had any reason to laugh before, to be joyful. And to top it off you have a cracking body that I hunger for every waking second of each day. You drive me wild woman, pure and simple. But most of all you have this way of turning me into this soppy sod, always eager to please you.’
‘And I am always eager in receiving your pleasing, night or day.’
‘Glad to hear that. Being stuck in this bed has left me frustrated in more ways than one and I can guarantee as soon as they let me go, you will be receiving a lot of pleasing.’
‘I can hardly wait,’ and I resist no longer.
Lifting myself off the chair I cup his cheek and kiss him with everything I got, conveying all that’s been building up over the past few days - the frustration, the fear, the loneliness, the love. It’s all there as I kiss away the pain and in its place I find comfort.
My tongue slides between his lips to do battle, to explore the confines inside. The warmth I find welcomes me. He is home, I belong. The passion increases along with the consumption of one another and I am experiencing a new sense of euphoria. I can’t get enough and the next minute it appears Gareth can’t either as I feel his masculine hand make its way southwards to grope a buttock, evoking me to give a little squeal of delight.
Just as things are getting interesting I hear a couple of nurses talking in the background and like an icy bucket of cold water had been thrown over me, I am sharply pulled back to the reality of where we are.
‘I can’t believe we are making out in a hospital ward,’ I whisper when our lips disengage.
‘Hmmm, all that’s missing is you in a nurse’s uniform.’
‘There are plenty of nurses around here for you to feast your eyes on.’
‘But none of them is you.’
‘You keep sweet talking to me like that and I may just fall in love with you.’
‘Heaven forbid! We can’t have that now can we?’
Drowning in his deep pools of blue I fall that little bit deeper. This is it. This is what I have been missing. The thrill of losing myself in someone but ultimately not knowing what really stands behind those windows of his. Being driven by a dangerous passion you have no control over which excites and scares me at the same time. I am enraptured with him. Whatever path he treads I’ll be there by his side, no matter what. I’d give my life for him and I’ve never felt that strongly about anyone, not even William. There’s something about Gareth that influences me to behave recklessly and I can’t seem to get enough of it. Against my will I have been drawn into his world and heaven forbid, I don’t want to leave it. I’ve been corrupted!
Resting my head against his I sigh into the comfort it lends.
‘I’ve missed you,’ I whisper to which I get a low grumble as a form of reply.
‘So, how was your time with your sister-in-law and niece?’ The rough rumble vibrates through my ear.
Detangling from his arms and sitting back into the chair, a hand remaining in contact with his, I reply nonchalantly, ‘It was great.’
‘Just great? You sure about that?’ and his eyes remain fixed on mine.
The intensity becomes too much for me to bear and I have no choice but to look away.
‘Alex, what happened?’
Sighing, I reach into my trouser pocket and pull out the slip of paper that has been burning a hole ever since I placed it there.
‘This was posted through Maggie’s door yesterday. I haven’t been able to work out the meaning, if it even has one,’ and I hand it over to him, his eyes immediately scan the words. ‘That wasn’t all. I bumped into Peters…’
‘You what?’ his head snaps up, eyes burning.
‘It’s okay, he didn’t hurt me or anything…’
‘What did he say?’
‘He warned me to stay away from you, that you were dangerous, idle threats really, nothing to be concerned about.’
‘When it comes to Peters there’s generally a lot to be concerned about, knowing how to handle the situation is what makes the difference.’
Now what is he on about? I think I understand him and then he goes and says something like this. I don’t know whether to be concerned or at ease with what he just said.
‘I also saw a man…’
‘A man?’
‘…who looked a lot like my deceased brother.’
‘That’s not possible.’
‘You’re telling me! We buried him…’
‘No, no, I saw the car hit him. He went flying over the bonnet and landed in a heap on the road,’ Gareth frowns, eyes staring off into the distance. ‘He didn’t move, wasn’t breathing. By the time the ambulance came it was too late. He was dead, is dead. It’s not possible.’
He’s starting to scare me. A crazed, puzzled look enters his eyes.
I see the cogs working; he’s replaying things over and over in his mind, but what is he trying to get at? What’s running through that brain of his?
‘Unless…’ then he looks in my direction. Is that fear I see swimming in those irises?
And before I can distinguish anything else he clams up and a shield is brought down shutting me out. The atmosphere switches from ease and friendliness to one of uncomfortable silence and I feel like a stranger.
‘I need to rest now Alex,’ What? Why’s he suddenly shutting me out? What’s going on? ‘Can you leave me alone please?’
‘Gareth?’ I go to reach out to touch his shoulder but he flinches and turns his back on me.
The pain at the gesture is unbearable. It’s like a blow to the stomach. I don’t know what to make of his reaction. I’m stung at how easily he can shut me out like that, like I mean nothing to him.
‘Gareth?’ I try one more time.
‘Please Alex. I need to be alone,’ and with that he pulls the covers up and over his shoulder and obscuring his face from view.
It’s like a knife has been plundered into my he
art at his rejection. I see little fragments of my life float away as I numbly stand, legs trembling. I can’t think I am at a loss of what to do. What am I supposed to do?
Painfully I turn my back and give him what he wants. I walk out of the room not knowing where I plan to go. My mind lost on a wave of thoughts. Everything was looking up, I made a decision. Have I left my family and friends behind for nothing? Have I destroyed those I love only for him to shut me out? What’s happening?
‘Mrs Brown! Mrs Brown!’ Heavy footfalls get louder and the voice closer, it’s coming from behind. ‘Mrs Brown!’
Turning around, eyes focusing, I see an out of breath Nurse Harding running towards me.
‘I’m glad I caught you. Your test results are back.’
I forgot about those.
‘It’s positive,’ she beams, her eyes light up like Christmas lights.
Oh shit I’m pregnant!
Chapter Thirty-Five
This is not happening to me. At first I wanted it but now? Now in the light of how Gareth is behaving my mind has once again been sent into turmoil. If he leaves I’ll have no one. I pretty much disowned Maggie and Bethany; I can’t go back they’ll despise me. I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own.
And how am I expected to tell him? Do I casually drop it in in a conversation or put it out there forthright? Does he want any more children after the loss of his son? We haven’t talked about such possibilities. Actually, come to think of it we haven’t talked about anything involving a future for us, not really.
Oh God, this is a total catastrophe! I bury my face in my hands, shaking my head back and forth.
‘You alrigh’ luv?’
Startled, I look up from the trodden grass under my feet to see a woman, probably in her late fifties, wearing tracking bottoms, pink blouse, and a navy cardigan.
A rather peculiar combination.
‘Sorry?’
‘You’re lookin’ a bit lost luv. You alrigh’?’
‘Oh, yes, I’m fine thanks. Just have things on my mind.’
‘Don’t we all luv, don’t we all. You don’t mind do ya?’ she points to the space next to me.
‘Oh, no that’s fine,’ and I scoot over, only now realising the dampness seeping through my trousers to my skin.
‘Ta. So,’ she starts while adjusting her position. ‘Wha’ brings you to this place?’
‘Erm, well, my partner had an accident, but thankfully he’s out of danger and on the mend. We are waiting to be told when he will be deemed fit enough to be discharged.’ I say while trying to maintain as little eye contact as possible.
‘Ah, good, good. So what ya doing out here all on your tod? Shouldn’t ya be in there by your man?’
‘I needed a bit of me time. Hospitals can become a little stifling. A bit of fresh air, you know.’
‘Oh I know wha’ ya mean luv. I’ve neva been able ta stand those places. It’s the clinical smell tha’ gets me.’
‘So what brings you here?’
‘My daugh’er Jessie is abou’ ta pop with her first sprog, but I ‘ad ta take a breather, couldn’t stand the tension. All tha’ pacing was driving me up the wall!’
‘The father is getting anxious waiting?’
‘Na, the father is as cool as a cucumber, always ‘as been in times of distress. How he manages it I do not know! My legs on the other ‘and ‘ave neva seen such a work out! I swear one more step and they would ‘ave given way! They’re not as young as they used ta be. If it’s not the arthritis it’s somethin’ else.’
‘I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that…’
‘Trust me luv, the last time they ached this much is when I ‘ad to climb ten flights of stairs ‘cos someone though’ it was a good idea to put an ‘out of order’ sign on the lift doors! If there’s a next time, my aching feet and me are stayin’ home.’
This woman is like a breath of fresh air when I need it the most. Her energy revives me somehow, brings me back to reality. She can’t be any older than in her sixties, but still full of life and when I look into her eyes they hold so much knowledge of the world, have experienced pain and love. She knows what it’s like to live life to the full. She has seen the world and embraced the chance to enjoy a family when the opportunity arose and never regretted a moment.
A gentle grin sidles onto my face, however, my joy dies when I capture the sight of her staring, a slight delicate frown forming, causing more wrinkles to appear on her brow. But there is also a spark of emotion in her cat-like green eyes, a twinkle of something new. I don’t know whether to feel gratitude for this complete stranger or revulsion at seeing the compassion directed at me. She has known me all of five seconds.
‘What?’ I say harsher than I would have liked.
‘Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable luv, it’s just…neva mind. I’m just a batty ol’ woman, don’t listen to me.’
‘You obviously have something to say, I’d much rather hear it. I’ve had enough of people telling me lies and half-truths. Please, whatever it is just say it.’
‘Your soul ‘as darkened, pain filling every inch. You’re scared and confused about your future. Ya laugh but no pleasure fills it. Ya smile but it’s mechanic. Sadness lives in ya…’
‘Well that’s no great surprise. My other half is lying in a hospital bed after a major surgery from…’
‘No, no, it’s more than tha’.’ She wets her surprisingly young looking lips before continuing. ‘You’re not the woman ya used ta be, and yes I know, it is a rather silly thin’ to say considerin’ I don’t know ya, but ya give off this vibe. You’re surrounded by an invisible electric force field, ya just don’t know it.’ She frowns further; trying to figure out the clues she has been given, working out ways they fit together to produce meaning. ‘You’re an enigma wrapped in riddles. You’re out of place. Ya stick out like a sore thumb.’ Says the woman dressed like a charity shop! ‘I was goin’ to just walk on by, leave ya to your peace, but ya drew me in. Ya have this aura about ya, a troubled soul, and I simply can’t resist a troubled soul.’
‘Why, you a councillor or something?’ I ask half-heartedly expecting nothing but a laugh in the face in return.
‘How did ya guess?’ Great! Just what I need, someone to pick my brains! ‘Retired now, but I still retain tha’ knack. I may be able to help ya,’ she grins.
‘As much as I appreciate your offer, I think I will have to decline. This is something I have to deal with on my own,’ and then her pearly white teeth disappear behind her rosy red lips.
‘There’s nothin’ worse than keepin’ somethin’ bottled up inside.’
‘I know that only all too well, trust me, but sometimes confiding in someone can lead to more problems rather than solutions. I don’t want to burden you with it, I’ve destroyed two lives already I don’t want you to be a third.’
‘Maybe an outsider’s point of view would benefit…’
‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but you don’t know me, you’re a complete stranger. I haven’t hired you so you have no business in knowing what troubles me. I know you mean well, but I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone anything. I did that once and now I won’t be able to see them ever again.’ I feel my throat clog up with emotion as I remind myself of my recent estrangement.
All of a sudden there is a shift in her facial expression, a sense of dawning settles as the clues begin to add up to form a conclusion. Her petite mouth gapes slightly and eyes glow with knowledge of understanding.
She unexpectedly grabs hold of my hand and utters, ‘Are ya in danger or…’ but she is cut off midsentence by a male voice crying out, ‘Sue, Sue!’ and not a second later I see a well-built man with a full head of vibrant reddish hair come hurtling towards us.
‘Ah and here is my wonderful son-in-law. Wha’ is it Matthew?’
‘It’s time, it’s time!’
‘Oh golly gosh, that’s quick! I gotta go my luv. The bun is abou’ to come out the oven.’ She
gathers herself up and is about to rush away when she hesitates. Turning back to me she says, ‘Just remember this, no one is an island,’ and with that, she is dragged off by her anxious son-in-law.
No one is an island. This may be but that doesn’t stop them from floating adrift for the rest of their lives. Some people are better off alone, while others need company. Which one is Gareth? My initial reaction would have gone for the former, but as I’ve got to know him I now say the latter. And in light of his recent cold attitude towards me, I am now none the wiser.
I think he is frightened in entering something he can’t control. His natural defence is to shut people out, if you don’t feel you don’t get hurt. But there is something that frightens him more, something a lot deeper, which is leaving me hanging by a thread.
All I can ultimately do is take each day as they come. I’m running into something I am not sure of, diving into situations completely out of my comfort zone. I hang in each moment not sure which way to go. I’ve come to a crossroad in my life. I can’t go back on the path I trod, so it leaves me with three possibilities. No matter which I choose I’d eventually hit a sharp bend in the road. My outcome will rely on the components involved.
Some say your life is mapped out from birth to death. Some believe in fait and destiny and things happen in your life for a reason, everything has a purpose even if you can’t identify its foundation. I believe it’s the actions of one’s doing that determine the outcome of one’s future. It’s the twists and turns of fate that gives the many wonders to life. It only takes a single decision to point you onto a new path. Where it will lead you is a future no one can predict.
The question I have to ask myself is not what do I do next, but where do I go from here? It wouldn’t take much to get up and walk away, back to Maggie and Bethany, back to the life I used to lead, but I would be putting them in danger if I did that. Going back is out of the question.
Another option is to flee now, away from everything and start a new life in a foreign country where no one would know me. I could find myself a lovely little cottage and live off the produce I grow. Meet a nice country farmer who has no complications and we’d live an ordinary unexciting life. But I know in myself I wouldn’t be able to handle that lifestyle. It’s too mundane for me.