Seductive Truths (Seductive Trilogy)

by Becky Cairns

  I want to be with Gareth. I have utterly, completely fallen for him head over heels. How? Well, that’s another question in itself. There is nothing ordinary about this relationship that exits between the two of us and maybe this is the reason I am in two minds. I’ve been waiting my whole life to feel like this for a guy, but now I’ve found it, why do I feel like it is slipping through my fingers.

  Do I see myself declaring vows ‘till death do us part’ with this man? Maybe. Can I love him for the rest of my life; stay faithful no matter what? Absolutely. Am I able to trust him? Certainly. But can I rely on him to be there for me and not run? No. And there lies the fundamental truth. How can I provide a stable life for our child when every time he walks out the door it may be the last I see of him? How will I know if he is lying dead in a gutter somewhere or simply ran into hiding? The word ‘stable’ does not exist in Gareth’s vocabulary, so why is there a part of me thinking it still may work?

  All I ever wanted was to be needed, to give my love through the simple action of a hug. Everything that he’d require would be there in my arms, he wouldn’t need to ask, it would be my instincts to be by his side. Words would be unnecessary when actions speak louder. Words would just get in the way. Why have them when you can have pleasure instead? I want something unforgettable. I want that someone who would break the silence in my soul and allow every drop of emotion to come crashing into my world. I want a man in possession of eyes that pierce right through me with each look. All this I can see in Gareth and yet he is more, much more. Many times I have tried to describe him, capture his best qualities, capture his worst, but neither does him justice. He is a man I cannot, for the life of me, put down in words. You have to see him to believe him. If only…

  I’m startled out of my funk by the bouncy ringtone of my mobile. I do not recognise the caller ID, but something inside is screaming at me to hit the ‘Answer’ button.

  ‘H-hello,’ I stammer my brain not quite ready to engage in time with my mouth.

  At first there is nothing but a static crackling noise. ‘Hello? I think there’s a bad connection.’

  ‘I need to see you,’ a husky, vaguely familiar voice whispers back.

  ‘S-sorry, who, who is this?’

  ‘Alex, you have got to listen…’

  ‘How do you know my name? Who are you?’

  ‘There is no time for explanations right now. I’ll explain everything to you when I arrive.’ There is movement and faint engine sounds in the background, some foul language exchanged and if I’m not very much mistaken a hauntingly familiar clicking noise, the stuff of my nightmares. The line then crackles and the voice comes back with startling intensity. ‘I love you big sis,’ and before I could gather my thoughts to reply the dead tone rings out signifying end of call.

  No, no, it can’t be! It’s impossible. He’s, he’s dead!

  ‘Thomas?’

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Numb.

  That’s all I am. Numb.

  Who was that?

  I stare unseeing at my phone, my mind a scrambled mess. I can’t think straight. Nothing makes sense anymore. My life is not what it used to be, the man I was going to marry isn’t who I thought he was and the guy who kidnapped me turns out to be the only one I can really rely on to tell me the truth. Not only that, but the man who was my childhood companion, the man I could confide in about anything and thought never to hear or see again, has come bombarding back into my life via one phone call. But it’s not possible. It couldn’t have been him, it just couldn’t have.

  What’s going on?

  ‘Thomas! Thomas!’ A woman crying out brings me back to the here and now. ‘Thomas! Get your arse back here right now!’

  Looking up I see a very stern young lady, blonde curly hair slightly unkempt, carrying a young child on her hip, the poor girl is being jiggled about with every movement her mother makes.

  She reaches the side of her tearaway son and forcibly reaches out to grab his wrist stopping him in his tracks before he is able to run out into the road and in the pathway of an oncoming ambulance. The fear is unmistakable in her voice as she quivers the words through the anger when telling him off.

  ‘What have I told you about running off like that? You’re going to get yourself killed one of these days! One hit from a car and you’d be as flat as a pancake! If you behave while we visit your grandma we can go to McDonalds later, but only if…’ and the rest of the conversation tapers away as the trio stroll back to the hospital.

  Thomas.

  Cars.

  Death.

  Is God trying to tell me something? Surely it can’t be a pure coincidence. Or maybe I am simply over analysing things as usual. I’ve never processed so much in my life before. Too much is happening all at once and my brain can’t hack it any more. I need an outlet, at least for one thought and I can start by telling Gareth the news. He deserves to know, I can deal with the consequences afterwards, just like I’ve dealt with everything else so far - a step at a time.

  Rising from the cold bench, my back clicks as I stretch out the kinks in my aching muscles. I am feeling the effects of the trauma that has gradually been building over the weeks. As I make my way back to the hospital something in the back of my mind is telling me things are far from over and that matters are only going to get worse before they get better. This is not the end.

  Walking past the canteen near the maternity ward I hear an overexcited cooing noise coming from that area. As my eyes scan the surroundings they spot the lady from earlier, Sue I think her name was, cradling a small bundle wrapped in a pink blanket. Pure joy lights up Sue’s face making her appear ten times younger. The last time I saw a look like that was when Bethany was born and when Maggie held her in her arms for the first time her eyes shone with love at the new life.

  A smile blossoms on my face and my feet steer me towards the picturesque couple.

  ‘Hello,’ I say looking down at them.

  Startling, Sue looks up and on recognising me her smile only intensifies. ‘Hello luv. Ya get ta be the first one.’

  ‘First one for what?’

  ‘First one I introduce ma granddaughter ta. Er, sorry, I neva did ask ya name.’

  ‘Alex,’ I grin. ‘Alex Brown.’

  ‘Sue Woodstock,’ and she holds out a hand for me to shake.

  ‘Nice to meet you Sue Woodstock.’

  ‘Likewise. ‘nd now I can introduce ya proper. Alex Brown, I’d like ya to meet ma beautiful granddaughter, Amelia-May Long. Amelia-May this is Alex.’

  ‘A pleasure to meet you Amelia-May Long. You are very pretty,’ and the sleeping child gurgles in response.

  ‘Ah, she likes ya already. Like grandmother like granddaughter. She can spot a gooden’ at the drop of a hat. I wasn’t wrong abou’ tha’ vibe.’

  I wouldn’t be sure of that. I don’t know what I am these days. ‘And how’s your daughter holding up?’ I ask as I sit down on the spare seat beside her.

  ‘Couldn’t be happier, but exhausted. She is sleepin’ at the mo. Matthew is by her side, watchin’ over, actin’ the protective husband. The angels were shinin’ down on ma daughter the day she met him. It was luv at first sight.’

  ‘How did they meet, if you don’t mind me asking?’

  ‘You can ask me anythin’ today and I won’t hesitate to say. They met on a cruise of all places. The funny thin’ was, she ‘ad a boyfriend at the time. Lovely chap but there wasn’t tha’ spark, not from her side at any rate. Anyway, her and her boyfriend at the time decided ta take a year out and go travellin’ around the world. Five months into their journey they went on a cruise for three weeks. At the beginnin’ of the second week was when she met the gorgeous Matthew.

  ‘John, her ex, was restin’ up in their cabin with a touch of seasickness. Never did ‘ave a strong stomach tha’ boy. It was a warm, sunny day, and ma daughter, not one to miss out on the glories of nature, went up on deck to embrace it. She met more than the sun tha’ day. They exchang
ed numbers and a couple of days after her and John’s return she ended it. The followin’ day she rang Matthew and now here we are with a beautiful baby girl. I couldn’t ‘ave wished for more. It’s funny how things work out.’

  Hmmm, funny indeed.

  ‘Sounds like they are made for each other.’

  ‘Think you’re right there, luv. Matthew reminds me of ma late beloved husband, David. He was a lovely man, a charmer with a kind heart. He really knew how ta treat the ladies.’ A tear glistens at the edge of her eye as she looks off to some unseen point in the distance, her mind a million miles away. ‘We just ran out of time.’ Gazing up at me with watery eyes and a weak smile she continues. ‘If you eva find somethin’ worth keepin’, grab hold of it with all ya might, neva let go. Somethin’ so special only comes around once in your life. Ya miss it and it is gone forever. Don’t live with regrets. Don’t live your life with ‘What ifs’ and ‘What could ‘ave beens’. Make them your memories. Tha’ is the most valuable thin’ you’ll eva ‘ave, no matter how short. Take every opportunity to enjoy life, make it how ya want ta live it. Ya only get one shot after all.’

  What can I say to that?

  I can do nothing but smile in her direction, what else am I supposed to do? The heartache, the love, the happiness, it’s all there dancing across her face. Here sits a woman who has lost the other half of herself, but at the same time retains it in the form of a grandchild. She no longer hangs on to the past, but looks forward to her future’s generation.

  As if coming out of a trance she snaps her head in my direction, blinks a few times, and then smiles.

  ‘Would ya like a hold luv?’ she asks while simultaneously pushing the baby in my direction.

  ‘Oh no, I couldn’t.’ I edge back in my chair, however she insists and the next minute I find myself delicately cradling the new born in my arms.

  The warmth of the child’s body heat seeps through my skin an instantly I relax and let the sensation take me to wherever it wants to. For some unknown reason I begin to well up. The girl is not even mine or a relation of mine!

  ‘You’re a natural luv. Ya going ta be a fantastic mother.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I reply without taking my eyes off the angelic baby.

  This is what innocence looks like. A tiny human being enters this world unblemished and then it all changes over the years. A parent’s instinct is to protect their offspring, but happens when situations our out of our hands. Gareth was unable to protect his child in the end, would the same outcome be for ours?

  My heart stills at the thought and my hands tremble. This disturbs young Amelia and she begins to wail.

  ‘I think it’s abou’ time I take this little one back to her parents. She may want feedin’.’ With that she rises from her seat and cautiously extracts the child from my grasp, the warmth going with her. ‘It was lovely meeting ya again.’

  ‘You too,’ I dazedly reply, which is accompanied by a weak smile.

  ‘Good luck with everythin’. See ya around.’ With a quick wave Sue turns in the opposite direction and returns to the next stage of her life, leaving me wandering what mine has in store for me.

  Holding Amelia has given me hope that everything will turn out alright in the end and all my doubts will have been fruitless. I can’t wait to cradle my own child, to feel the love blossom into something magical as soon as my eyes catch that first glimpse of the new life, to share the moment with Gareth. I need to tell him, I can’t put it off any longer. I need to tell him now.

  So standing on shaky legs, I take one last deep breath and turn to make my way back to Gareth before I can change my mind. But as I draw closer and closer to where he is the doubts crawl back.

  What if he shuts me out? What if he doesn’t want this child and shuns me because I do? Will he eventually abandon us? And heaven forbid our child is killed! Oh God no!

  I try to shake my head from these disturbing thoughts as dwelling on the possibilities is not good for my health. You can’t control the future only deal with it when it comes.

  As I near the ward everything changes. My feet grow heavy, slowing me down with each step and I have this urge to flee. I can’t describe it apart from it’s this subconscious feeling, like I shouldn’t be here. Something isn’t quite right and when I round the corner into the room the feeling has a foundation.

  The bed is empty, just a dent remains of the person that once was. Gareth is gone and I didn’t even get the chance to tell him.

  What the hell am I supposed to do now? I’ve destroyed everything for him and he buggers off! This can’t be happening. What have I done?

  I stop a passing nurse in her tracks and ask her where Gareth is, my voice quavering with every word.

  ‘I’m sorry Miss, I don’t know. Let me just go and find Nurse Harding for you,’ and off she trots, leaving me feeling completely helpless, desolate and unhinged from life.

  My breathing increases and I feel myself begin to shake. Clumsily I stumble over to the bed, every ounce of strength evaporating leaving me weak and vulnerable. My tower has fallen and I am nothing but a rope with no purpose. My wings have become useless. I am nothing but a dead weight unable to shift. I have gone from feeling everything to feeling nothing. It is amazing how one can go from being whole to empty in a space of only a few seconds.

  Reaching the bed my right hand cautiously glides through the dead air to touch his mark. Cold. The temperature chills me to the bone. He must have been gone quite a while for his heat to have dispersed. I am stuck with nowhere to run, can’t move. I bleed; life is draining away with no means of stopping. My lungs collapse, I can’t breathe. My heart shrivels to nothingness, turning from a mighty beating organ to a useless little blip of life, ready to give way at any moment.

  Silence settles like fog over rolling hills. I can’t see what is before me. Everything is bleak. Colours fade turning to black and grey. I hear the echoes of his footsteps walking away, deserting me. Leaving me bereft and I am powerless to stop it. I thought time would be our ally, but it turns out to be the enemy, it has destroyed us.

  ‘Mrs Brown?’ a delicate voice breaks through from behind.

  Normally I would jump at the unexpected sound, but I do not react. Can’t react. I feel nothing. Hear nothing. Taste nothing. See nothing. My senses have malfunctioned and shut down. I’ve become nothing.

  ‘Mrs Brown? Are you okay?’ She places a hand on my shoulder to draw my attention, but there’s nothing. I am anaesthetised throughout my body. I am nothing more than an empty object.

  Somewhere from deep inside I manage to whisper, ‘Gareth?’

  ‘Checked himself out. I tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. I couldn’t stop him. He was fit enough after all. We were only keeping him in for a few more days as a precautionary measure.’ There’s a moment of silence. Looking up I see compassion shinning in her eyes. I can’t bear it. Don’t want it. ‘He left you something.’

  Nurse Harding returns, I hadn’t realised she left, placing a couple sheets of paper into my hands and gazing down I see masculine writing scrawled across the pure whiteness. I look but do not act. I want to devour every word on the page but I can’t bring myself to do it, not yet, not with an audience.

  ‘He also left this,’ she adds.

  Out of the corner of my eye I see something gleam with the life I do not feel. A sparkle of irresistible colour lightens the dullness surrounding me. Something is holding me back from taking possession of these things. Fear? Fear in the knowing that once I’ve read the letter, once I take the shiny object into my ownership, the truth of what I suspect will become reality. The world will come crashing down around me.

  I can feel Nurse Harding’s eyes drill into my back.

  Unnerving.

  ‘Are you okay love?’ she asks.

  ‘I-I’m fine. Thank you.’

  ‘Are you sure? I think you better sit down, you’re looking a bit shaky…’ I feel her touch on my shoulder but I immediately shrug her away. I do n
ot want her sympathy.

  ‘Please leave,’ I snap, my body growing rigid and my heart cold.

  After a pause I hear her footsteps drift off into the distance and I am left clutching the couple of sheets of paper in my trembling hands, the gold chain lies limp on the indention in the bed, Gareth’s last mark.

  Taking a deep breath, I begin to read:

  Alex,

  How do I start?

  You can start by coming back to me you stupid bastard! Why did you have to go and prove Peters right by running? For once in your life you could have, should have taken the chance!

  How do I start? What a question. I do not have much time if I want to be gone before your return, so in this letter I will try and be direct and convey all that I must.

  Right now I bet you hate my guts.

  I have gone beyond hatred.

  I bet you are screaming inside and want to tear me to shreds, but it had to be this way. I only needed to look into your eyes one more time and I would have stayed. You have touched me in ways I’ve only dreamt of. You are home.

  All my life I have waited for someone like you to come along, to change my ways, to give me something to live for. You are a miracle Alex Brown, my little piece of heaven. You have something in your eyes that draws me in every time, making me want to lose myself. The tinkling of your laughter soothes my heart while your smile makes it beat faster. The feeling of you in my arms has never felt so right, so perfect. You are my missing puzzle piece.

  My life has been so lonely for far too long. I felt on the verge of going insane and I may have been but for you. Everything changed the day you blundered into my life. With you by my side I saw through the darkness and towards the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt hope, love, and friendship. You were my salvation.