by Natalie Ann
“I was so embarrassed of myself though. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I felt. I hated the way I was treated for how I looked. You’ve got no idea how hard it is to know that people react to what they see rather than anything else. It’s their first response.”
“But you did something about it. And that is what you should be proud of.”
She didn’t think of it that way. “I suppose. If I did it for the right reasons,” she admitted.
“Does it matter the reasons? Chances are they are right if they got the desired results.”
“You don’t get it, Blake.”
“Then why don’t you tell me,” he said. “I want to know. I want to know everything I can about you.”
“You’ve got enough to deal with with your mother.”
“There isn’t much I can do right now. She isn’t going to listen to me. I want to know what is going on so I can talk to my brother again and try to keep an eye on things. If I can get this guy’s name, I might go have a talk with him.”
“Even if your mother doesn’t want you to?”
“I haven’t listened to her in years.”
Gemma wasn’t sure she liked hearing that. “But won’t that just aggravate things more? If she won’t give up his name, chances are she is going back to him. Wouldn’t he get angry and maybe take it out on her if you talked to him?”
“I don’t like your logic because I know you’re right. But this is the part I struggle with. I won’t feel right if I don’t talk to him. If I don’t tell him what a piece of shit he is. Just like you had to stand up to your sister even though it probably won’t change anything. Didn’t you feel better doing that?”
“This isn’t about you feeling better, Blake. This is about your mother and keeping her safe even after what she said to you back there. Do you think this is just a defense mechanism after learning about your father?”
“Hardly,” he said, snorting at her. “I believe what she said, but then I wonder if it’s true. She’s lied so much in her life; I have no idea anymore. This could be another lie to get me to leave her alone. Or it could be the truth. Right now I just need to focus on what happened to her. I’ll deal with the rest as it comes.”
She guessed she could understand that. Blake seemed like the type to prioritize to get through. “I get where you want to talk to him. And you know best, but I’d think that it might make more trouble for your mother. If she’s never been in a situation like this before, maybe she will walk away on her own.”
“That’s true. Here we are,” he said, pulling into the police station. “I should only be a few minutes.”
She unbuckled her seatbelt and followed him inside, then stood back when he started to talk to the officer at the front desk.
“I’m Blake Wilson. I’m wondering if I could get a look at a report from last night for a Madeline Wilson. Domestic Violence situation.”
“Are you State Police?” the officer asked.
“Yes. Investigator.”
“Are you looking into this situation? Same last name?”
“It’s personal,” Blake said. “It’s my mother. I’m not stationed around here anymore, but I could easily reach out and have them get it for me. I just want to see it. My mother isn’t cooperating and my brother who found her doesn’t know anything and wouldn’t think to ask. I just want some information.”
“I don’t suppose it would hurt to let you see it. Let me pull it up. Come on around here so you can see. Sorry, ma’am, you’ll have to wait out in the hall right there.”
“Not a problem,” Gemma said and stepped back to sit in on the bench.
She could hear them talking behind the window, but not enough to make much out. It was only a few minutes with Blake walking back out with a piece of paper in his hands.
“Are you ready?” he asked. “We should go get some lunch. It’s been a long day and I’m sure you’re hungry. I know I am.”
“Sure,” she said. “Did you find anything out?”
“Not really. Nothing more than what I knew. Mike found her and called nine-one-one. My mother didn’t cooperate with the police either. She isn’t stating his name. An officer went back to the apartment and looked around and said it doesn’t look like any man lives there and the apartment is only in her name. That’s something at least. They talked to another tenant who said they’d heard fighting but they couldn’t make out the words. They’d said there is always yelling coming from the apartment and different men all the time. This one had only been around a few weeks and they figured he’d be gone. That Madeline never held onto anyone long.”
“That’s something then,” she said. “Did they say if this had ever happened before?”
“The tenants told the police this is the first time. She was always yelling at men, but no one had ever yelled at her. They were surprised by what happened, as they figured most of the men left because they couldn’t put up with her crap.”
“Then take solace in the fact that maybe your mother will do something about it on her own and just doesn’t want anyone getting in her business.”
“I guess it’s all I can do.”
Comfort You
They were at the hotel now and Blake was still playing things in his mind about what Gemma had said to him earlier.
She’d made a lot of sense and managed to talk him out of doing what he wanted to do.
He still wanted to find out who this guy was and asked that the Syracuse PD keep him informed of anything they found out. But for now he was going to step back. It wasn’t as if there was much he could do anyway.
His mother made her wishes clear. Whether she was lying about his father or telling the truth didn’t change the fact he was still going to do the right thing.
What was right with his family was another story. One he didn’t want to think about either.
He’d reach out to a few buddies of his stationed in the area and put some feelers around. Again, the best he could do and he was going to have to be content with it no matter how unsatisfied he was.
“So can we talk about you again?” he asked.
“Sure. What about?” she asked, looking unsure.
“You said you made a life change for the wrong reasons. Or what you think are the wrong reasons. Can I ask what they were?”
She sat down on the bed and pushed her hair behind her ears. He liked that she didn’t hide her face anymore and even wore her hair back a lot more now. She obviously changed more than she thought since she’d said for years she never wore her hair pulled back because of a misconception about her ears.
He’d told her they were adorable and she showed more of them. She believed him and that was a step in the right direction.
“I was overweight my whole life. I was a big kid when I was born. Over ten pounds. Then I was a chubby toddler. I just wasn’t into sports and running around and playing like my siblings. I had a sweet tooth,” she said.
“And your parents gave you grief for that?”
“Years later they did. When I was young and asked for something, my mother just gave it to me. I guess that is what bothers me. If they didn’t like that I was overweight, why didn’t they try to stop it when I was younger and needed to ask for food?”
“That’s a good question. Did you ever ask your mom that?”
“No. Why bother? It’s in the past and doesn’t make any difference at this point. I remember my mother making excuses and telling my father it was just baby fat. He had a bigger issue with it than her. He was the one always making comments even from early on. I used to cry and she’d give me a cookie and I’d stop.”
“So it really all started with your mother giving you food to comfort you.”
“Yeah.”
“She enabled the situation rather than sticking up to your father. Or telling everyone to stop.”
“She doesn’t like conflict. She didn’t like me crying and I realized how to manipulate her for what I wanted. But then as I got older she had to decid
e who she was going to have the conflict with. Me or my father or siblings who were much more outspoken.”
“So she sided with them,” he said, knowing that already. He’d seen it with Amelia. How Gemma’s mom had tried to get Amelia to stop, but once Amelia talked back that was the end of it.
“Yeah. So fast forward years and the weight piled on. By the time I went to college I was fifty pounds overweight. And Amelia was right. I’d lose five and then gain ten. It was nonstop. I was so proud of myself when I was sixteen and I’d lost twenty-five pounds one summer before we went back to school.”
“What happened?”
“It wasn’t enough. I had to keep hearing my father say things like ‘It’s a start. Keep at it though. It’s not enough. Not if you want a boyfriend someday.’ I just got so discouraged. My big triumph wasn’t good enough.”
He knew that feeling well and decided to share with her. “Nothing I did was good enough either. I had an unhealthy household too. I tried to be everything that everyone else wasn’t.”
“Which means they ganged up on you for being different?” she asked. “If what your mom said is true, now you know why you are different.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good thing though. But I was smart enough to get out of that situation. I didn’t spend a lot of time at home. Why bother when I didn’t want to listen to anything? No one was ever around or if they were they were arguing and fighting. Whatever woman or man my parents were with at that time. That tenant was right—my mother was a bitch. She always needed a man in her life, but she treated them like shit.”
“It doesn’t mean she deserved to get knocked around,” she said.
“Of course not. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying maybe she had enough of the guy’s shit already. I guess I can only hope.”
“Anyway, back to me. I wasn’t strong like you. I did go away to college and I thought that would be easier, but it wasn’t. I didn’t make friends easily and I found solace in food there. And at college no one was telling you what you could and couldn’t eat. I put another thirty pounds on there.”
“So after college you didn’t gain anymore?” he asked.
“On and off. A few pounds here and there. Like I said, I’d lose some then gain it back. But I stayed steady at over two hundred pounds it seemed.”
“So what made you want to change after all those years? Your health?”
“My health was bad. I had high cholesterol and was on meds. Which I can say I don’t need anymore.”
“Another thing to be proud of.”
“Yes. I was pre-diabetic too. That should have scared me, but it didn’t.”
This was getting interesting. What the heck could have changed things for her? Not her family and not her health. That only left one thing. A man.
“So some asshole messed with your heart?” he asked, trying not to be jealous and wondering if that was why he felt he was the only one that might be taking their relationship seriously. He’d yet to hear or see any words from her that he’d been hoping for.
Her face flushed and he knew he had the answer. “Not my heart. Not like you think. I mean, you know I was a virgin.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean you couldn’t have been in a relationship before.”
“I hadn’t been. No school dances, no anything. Guys always wanted to be just friends. I get what they were saying. I had a great personality...when I had the nerve to talk to people.”
“What was different later on then?”
“There was this other teacher at work. We didn’t talk often and then all of a sudden he started to talk to me. He wasn’t anything like you. I mean he wasn’t hot and sexy, but he was nice. He was...average you could say. I wasn’t really attracted to him, but he was paying attention to me and I liked it. And I thought maybe I could learn to like him and it’s not like I’d ever really dated anyone serious before.”
“What happened?” he asked.
“We just used to talk at work more than anything. He never asked me on a date. Nothing like that. But he was flirting with me. I could tell even though it was new to me. He’d touch my hand. He’d bump against me. Things like that. Smile and wink. Then one day when I should have been in class, I went up to the lounge to get something and overheard him talking with someone that he was getting me all warmed up.”
Blake felt fire running through his body to rival the hinges on the gates of hell. He knew what was coming, he knew enough men who thought what he was about to hear. “Warmed up for sex? That’s all he wanted?”
“He said he’d heard that fat chicks put out like it was going to be their last...he used the F word. And he wanted to see if it was true.”
“I hope you kicked him in the balls, but I have a feeling you never said a word to him, did you?”
“Nope. Nothing. I just stopped talking to him and he didn’t seem to even care, which told me all he wanted to do was have sex with me.”
“So that is what caused you to make a change?”
“It started it. I just sat down and told myself that I couldn’t do this anymore. I wasn’t happy with my lonely life. I didn’t have friends because I was afraid to put myself out there and be judged. I didn’t have a boyfriend because guys weren’t into me because of how I looked. I told you before, you wouldn’t have approached me, I know it.”
That made him feel like shit, even though he knew it was the truth. He liked his women healthy. They didn’t have to be skinny. He liked curves. He wasn’t after a body type as much as someone who took care of herself. Someone who cared enough to.
He’d been around enough people that didn’t give a shit about much in life and who he ended up with had to at least have a care or a drive for better things. They had to think enough about themselves to want to be somewhat healthy and happy. That meant more to him than anything.
That was Gemma now. She was everything he wanted. He knew it was too soon to even think of saying that to her though. Especially when she was baring her soul to him.
“So what finished it? You said that started it.”
“I’d lost twenty pounds or so by changing my diet and I knew that if I didn’t start to exercise I’d have all sorts of flabby skin. So I started to walk every day. Just an hour a day outside, even in the winter. If it was too cold, I walked around my apartment from room to room working up a sweat. Talk about boring, but I was determined.”
And that determination meant she’d stick it out. He knew it in his heart. “That’s great. I don’t know anyone who could do that without pulling their hair out.”
“It got old fast. Then I bought some yoga tapes and tried to do that. Talk about a wake up call and a ton of humiliation. I could barely do anything on it.”
“But you kept it up?” he asked, knowing the answer.
“I was going to do it. I was sick of my life. I’d done research and realized the reason most people fail is because they couldn’t identify the reason for the weight gain. Or couldn’t address it. I knew what caused it and I knew I needed to get away from that.”
“Why you moved here?”
“Yeah. My Aunt Julie knew. She was the only one I could ever confide in about anything.”
“I need to meet this lady.”
“You will. I told her about you a few weeks ago. She really wants to meet you too.”
“I look forward to it.”
“So I had started to get a bit of confidence between the food changes. Lots of experimenting with flavors and finding things that appealed to me. Healthy can taste good too and I was going to find a way to get it. I don’t deny myself snacks or desserts, but I’m very careful about it. I’m still nervous about falling down the rabbit hole again.”
“That’s being smart. Nothing wrong with that.”
“So I joined a gym with this confidence. I wanted to start to lift weights so I could tone up too while I lost the weight.”
“Again, smart decision. That’s probably why you look so good. You did
everything the right way.”
“At the gym I was hit on a few times. Talk about confidence. I was like ‘wow, I’m still about thirty pounds overweight, but someone finds me attractive.’”
The hinges from hell were burning off the doorframe with those words. “So you started to date someone?”
“No. It ended up being another situation like I’d had before with the coworker. This guy was stupid enough—or smart enough—to tell me what he was looking for. He thought he was being funny and crude at the same time. Said he’d been with other overweight women and knew when someone wanted it and I obviously did.”
It was a damn good thing this happened in a city he’d never been to. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask the guy’s name but he knew that would just start a fight. He could see it in her eyes with the way her head was tilted. “What did you say?”
“I just laughed at him. Said I was flattered, but I wasn’t one of those women and that I felt bad he had such a low opinion of women in general. Then I left and went home to cry. I was looking around the house for something to eat. Ice cream, cookies, anything. And it hit me. Why the hell was I letting this guy ruin what I fought so hard for?”
“That a girl.”
“I didn’t go back to that gym. Call me a coward. But I wasn’t stopping what I started. I went to another and continued on with my goal. But I was more determined than ever to move after the school year. I wanted to start fresh where no one would know what I was like before.”
“But you’re still that person. I’ve said that before.”
He believed that. He didn’t want to think that she’d changed so much that the person he was in love with wasn’t who he thought. Was someone that reinvented herself rather than someone who grew from things.
“Yes and no. I like to think I’m a better person. That who I was before had such horrible traits and I made sure they were gone. That I’m stronger and better.”
He pulled her next to his side. “That’s why I love you,” he said.
She stiffened and he didn’t know what to make of that, and was afraid to ask when he was greeted with silence.