by Natalie Ann
Avoid Confrontation
A month had gone by since Blake had said he loved her. He hadn’t said it again and it hadn’t come back up.
She was terrified she’d hurt him, but he was acting like nothing was going on. It made her think that maybe he didn’t love her as much as he loved the idea of her? Was that possible?
She wasn’t sure if that bothered her more than anything. If he wanted to talk about it, he would have, even if it would have been hard.
Like her mother, she was trying to avoid confrontation in life too. Just like the day a stranger knocked on her door and she answered it. The young man was standing there wringing his hands. “Can I help you?”
“Hi, yeah. I drove by and saw a car and wanted to stop and apologize. I kind of broke into your place a few months ago when I was here hiking. I got caught in the rainstorms and panicked. I tried to clean up my mess, but I don’t think I did a good job and didn’t want you to be frightened.”
She couldn’t believe he’d come back to tell her this. That maybe he was trying to relieve her mind. It was exactly as Blake had said, and though she really wasn’t scared living in the house alone, there were times at night she’d hear a noise and wake up.
“Why not leave a note or something back then?”
“I was nervous. I didn’t want to get in trouble. You could probably turn me in now and I’d get in trouble, but I’ve felt horrible about it ever since. I just wanted you to know I didn’t mean anything and will pay if there were any damages.”
“There wasn’t,” she said. “And thank you for stopping and telling me. I won’t ask your name and then you can’t really get in trouble, right?”
“I guess,” he said. He looked to be barely twenty. Probably some college student on summer break. “I really am sorry.”
“I believe you. And thank you for stopping and telling me. It means a great deal to me.”
He’d nodded his head and left and she’d kept that secret from Blake. He’d get mad. He’d want to know why she didn’t tell him. But in her mind it was the right thing to do. It was harmless and Blake wasn’t the only one that could do the right things in life.
She’d talked to her aunt about the hiker and Blake and her relationship. Her aunt told her to take her time on her feelings with Blake. That she should never say words she didn’t mean or wasn’t sure of. That there was a greater hurt in that than anything else.
So she and Blake continued on like normal.
The school year had started and she was busy anyway. They were still finding time together but not as much as she’d have liked.
They spent every Friday night through Sunday together, but during the week, they only had dinner once if they could. He seemed to understand, as she wasn’t home and with as busy as she was, she was getting all her grading done during the week so she could have that time with him when it counted.
On one good front, he’d found out last week that whoever the guy was that beat up his mother was out of the picture. That Mike had called him to say his mother was pouting because she was single again, but didn’t say much more.
She knew Blake was annoyed over it being described that way, but at least it was behind them for now. Blake hadn’t reached out to his mother regarding it or the news she’d told him that day. Gemma figured he was still processing it. Or maybe he was listening to his mother and leaving her alone. It was another thing they didn’t talk about and she didn’t feel right bringing it up.
What wasn’t behind them was him saying those three special words to her.
She was just getting ready to leave work when Darin, one of the history teachers, popped his head in to talk to her. “Do you have a minute?” he asked.
“Sure. What can I do for you?”
She was getting along with everyone here. It was completely different than her last job. Though she still kept to herself, she made an effort to socialize more. To get involved in activities. Not just with the kids—which she always enjoyed before—but the teachers too.
She ordered lunch in with them once already and it felt nice to be part of the group rather than sitting in her room alone. She even ate lunch with others daily.
“I know you’re new here, but I thought maybe if you weren’t doing anything this weekend, I could show you around?”
Oh boy. She didn’t see this coming. She talked to Darin, but didn’t think much of it other than friendly conversation. She was flattered, she really was, but she had someone she was dying to get home to tonight. They were having dinner at his house and she was staying the night since it was Friday.
“I’m sorry if I’ve given off any vibes, but I’m in a relationship.”
“Oh,” he said, his face flushing. He was kind of cute and someone she might have been attracted to in her old life. But she doubted he would have found her attractive back then. And he had nothing on Blake.
“I hadn’t realized. I’m sorry. Please, I hope you don’t take offense.”
She laughed. “No offense at all. Really, none. I hope things won’t be awkward with us now?”
In the past she would have avoided him like the plague, but the new her didn’t do that.
“Sure,” Darin said. “I bet we can laugh about this at some point. Just don’t let anyone else know, okay? Some of the others would bust on my butt about asking you and being shot down.”
“I didn’t shoot you down,” she said, trying to make him feel better. “I’m happily in a relationship. Trust me, I won’t say a word to anyone. But if anyone asks, then you can say I’m taken. You could just say it came up that I had plans with Blake one night.”
“Blake?” he said. “Blake Wilson?”
“Yeah. Do you know him?” Now she was worried that this would get back to Blake and he’d go all protective on her again for no reason at all.
“It’s not a common name. We’re in the same basketball league over the winter. Yeah, trust me, I’m not saying a word to anyone.”
She laughed. “It was innocent enough. I’ll pretend the last few minutes didn’t happen.”
“Thanks,” Darin said. “He’s a great guy, by the way. Some officers are jerks. All cocky and throwing their weight around, but he’s not like that at all. I guess you could say he is the right mix of doing the right thing, but standing his ground at the same time.”
“You’re right. He’s just about perfect.”
And when Darin left, she realized how lucky she was. And maybe she should let Blake know that.
***
Blake was just getting finished setting the table and lighting candles when Gemma walked in. It’d been close to a month since he’d told her he loved her and she hadn’t said a word about it.
Maybe she was scared or maybe she wasn’t ready. But he knew it was killing him inside and he was dying to say it again. Wanting to know what she was thinking and feeling.
He thought he knew. They were spending a lot of time together until school started. Even after that they spent weekends together nonstop. He thought they were getting closer, yet verbally they seemed to be stuck.
He was going to be romantic tonight. He was going to see if he could unstick them. Unglue them. Anything to take a few steps forward.
If she didn’t give him a clue to what she was feeling, he’d be devastated, but they’d have to talk about it. He’d have to know why.
What was it about him that he didn’t possess? Was he not enough and could he change to be enough for her? Or was he destined to be alone forever?
“Hey, there,” she said, walking forward and wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing him like she hadn’t seen him in years rather than dinner the other night.
“Hey, beautiful. How was your day?”
“It was good,” she said. “I’m all yours this weekend. I’ve got all my work done. And what’s this you’re doing? We never eat in here.”
“I wanted to try something different tonight.”
“It’s romantic. And very sweet. Anything I can
do to help you with dinner?”
“No. It’s all covered. Nothing fancy really. I just grilled some salmon that is almost done. There is a salad on the counter and a rice casserole that you taught me how to make in the oven.”
“Sounds great.” She walked by him, then swatted him on the ass. He loved this playful side of her that seemed to come out so much. Now if only she’d talk to him more.
By the time they finished up dinner and talked about their days and plans for the weekend, he stood up to start cleaning. She picked up dishes and followed him into the kitchen. It was teamwork of sorts.
Once the last dish was in the dishwasher, he turned to pull her into his arms. “I like this,” he said. “That we work together so well. I wish we had more time.”
“Me too,” she said. “I look forward to our weekends together. I’m sorry if I’m not around much. I think once I get the hang of the new job, I’ll have more time during the week.”
“I get it. And you’ve got a life too. Are you making friends there?”
“I am. I mean not anyone to go hang out with, but it’s nice to be more open with my coworkers. I ordered lunch out with them the other day. And I eat with some of the teachers daily. I never did that before.”
“So all changes for the good,” he said, kissing her forehead.
“Moving here has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
That was exactly what he wanted to hear. “It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, Gemma.” And she stiffened in his arms again. He pushed her back and said, “If you don’t feel the same way, just tell me. I only want to know what I’m missing. I thought we had something special here.”
“We do,” she said urgently, and took a few steps back. “I don’t know what I feel exactly though.” She put her hands to her chest. “Inside me, everything I have wants to be around you. Wants to be with you nonstop. But I don’t know if that’s love. I’ve never felt it before. And do you feel it for me? Or do you feel it because you want something you never had before and I’m the person available? How do I know those things?”
“I love you! It’s not that I want it per se, because I do. I have for years, but I want it with you. I can’t believe you are doubting that.”
Had he given off any vibes that it wasn’t her he wanted but just the idea of a relationship? He hadn’t thought he did, but maybe there was part of him that did without knowing. That knew he never felt love before. That finding out the truth with his mother and father made him want Gemma more. Did she feel that way? Did she think that?
“I just don’t know what to think. This is all so new and I’m trying to find answers.”
“Why do you have to justify it?” he asked. “Why can’t it be simple?” And why did it hurt so much to hear those words?
“Because love isn’t simple. Do I feel this way because it’s love? Do I feel this way because you’re my first boyfriend? My first lover? Because you make me feel safe and secure and support me like no one has ever before?”
“Why can’t that be all the reasons that it’s love? Why are you looking for something or making it harder than it is?”
Confusion was overriding his hurt and he was trying to get her to see. To get her to believe in him.
“I don’t know. I am so afraid to say it and then find out it’s not really love. Or that it’s love for all the wrong reasons.”
He snorted and then walked away from her. Wrong reasons again. Those two stupid words.
“Those sound like all the right reasons to love someone, but who am I to tell you what to do?”
“And now I hurt you,” she said.
Why lie? “Yes, you did. I don’t know why you feel the way you do. I just know what I feel and I told you. If you don’t feel the same way or can’t think you will, then I want to know. I don’t want to set myself up for something I’ve waited for forever only to know I won’t ever find it.”
He wasn’t going to feel bad that there were tears in her eyes. He was afraid he might shed some of his own soon.
“Maybe I should go. I guess we both have some thinking to do.”
“It’s probably for the best,” he said, then watched her walk out the door and wondered if everything was over when he’d been hoping it was just the beginning.
Actually Loved Me
Gemma pulled into her driveway and saw a car in her place. She couldn’t imagine who was here and was starting to get nervous that someone might be trying to get in.
She got out and walked up the front porch, then cautiously opened the door to see her aunt standing in the living room looking around.
“Aunt Julie,” she said, running forward and hugging her tight. Exactly the person she needed.
“Good God, Gemma, look at you. There’s nothing left. I haven’t seen you in almost a year. I kept telling you to send me pictures and I wish you had.”
“Thanks. I’m trying really hard and it’s paying off.”
“I’d say it is. You’re really stunning. You always were beautiful on the inside and now it’s on the outside. No wonder you snagged your first boyfriend so fast.” Gemma burst into tears. “What did I say?”
“I don’t know if Blake is my boyfriend anymore. I just left there.”
“What happened?” her aunt asked and pulled her to the couch. “Tell me all about it. I thought things were going so well between you two.”
“They are. They were. A month ago he said he loved me. Well, he said, ‘That’s why I love you.’ But I thought it was just a saying. Not that he was saying he actually loved me. You know?”
“No, I don’t know. But you were there and I wasn’t. I take it you didn’t say it back?”
“I didn’t want to because I wasn’t sure how I felt and what he meant by it. I didn’t want to trip up. Then he hadn’t said it again and I really believed it was one of those things that you say, but don’t mean.”
“You aren’t making much sense, but I guess something else happened today. So tell me that.”
“I think it started at work. One of the teachers asked me out on a date. I told him I was with someone and realized that no one knew. That I didn’t really talk much about myself. And when I was telling this guy, I mentioned Blake by his first name. He guessed who it was and was embarrassed and said not to tell Blake.”
“Because he didn’t want Blake mad at him?” her aunt asked.
“Exactly. I said I wouldn’t. That it was an innocent enough mistake. I told him I didn’t want things awkward at work either.”
“You really have grown so much. I’m proud of you for addressing that and not running and hiding.”
“Me too. Then Darin said how perfect Blake was. That he was a great guy. One who always did the right thing, and I thought to myself, yes, Blake is perfect and I was so lucky and what was holding me back from telling him that.”
“What is holding you back?”
“I don’t know. Then at dinner tonight, Blake told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back.”
“And he got mad?” she asked.
“Not really. More like hurt. He wanted to know how I felt. I told him I was confused. That I’d never been in love before. I didn’t know what it felt like. I didn’t want to love him because he was my first. First boyfriend, first lover. That he made me feel safe and secure. I wanted to love him for the right reasons.”
Her aunt shook her head. “Those are the right reasons. Why are you trying to justify it to yourself?”
“I’ve never been in love before. I’ve never felt this way. I don’t know what is right or wrong.”
“No one can tell you that. You have to figure it out on your own. Let me ask you this. How do you feel right now that you hurt him?”
“I feel horrible. I wanted to run back into the house and tell him I was sorry. To give me another chance to prove to him I care.”
“And if he told you no? That you couldn’t have another chance?”
“I can’t breathe,” sh
e said, her hands going to her chest. “Oh my God. If he told me no, that we are done, I…why does it hurt like this?”
“Because that’s love, Gemma. You’re looking to make things more difficult than it is. It doesn’t have to be that way. There doesn’t have to be an answer for everything. You know deep down you love him. If it hurts to not be with him more than it feels good to be with him, then that is your answer.”
“What do I do now? If I go back there and tell him that, he might not believe me.”
“What did you say when you left just now?”
“He said we both needed to take time to think about it,” she said, sobbing now. “Did I lose him? Did I push him away?”
“Then I think you need to sleep on it tonight. I think you know your answer, but give him the space he might need tonight. You probably need it too.”
“I hope you’re right,” she said, hugging her aunt again. “And I’m sorry you came for a visit and have to deal with me like this.”
“Honey, that is what family is for. Anything I could do to help. Because, like I said, I want to meet this guy.”
***
The next morning Gemma was up bright and early and on her way to Blake’s. She couldn’t wait another minute.
She’d been wrong and she knew it now. She just hoped she wasn’t too late. No, it couldn’t be. It was barely twelve hours.
She started to knock on his door and when there was no answer, she went to look in his garage to see if his truck was there. It was, so she went back to the front door and rang the doorbell.
Another minute went by and he was at the door pulling it open. His hair was wet and dripping in his face and she suspected she’d gotten him out of the shower.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to the time.”
“I see that,” he said and pushed the door open. “What’s going on?”
She didn’t like the detached sound to his voice, but figured she had it coming. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“Come on in.”
“I’m sorry,” she blurted out really fast. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry if you hate me for not saying I loved you back. Please don’t hate me,” she said, tears running down her cheeks. She didn’t think she had any more tears to fall at this point.