Sweet Noel

by Jeanette Lewis

  It was unimaginable. Shame burned in Gina’s heart. Here she’d been whining about having two healthy boys who sometimes fought and missed their father, while Noel carried such an unimaginable grief around with him all the time. “What about her mother?” she asked.

  “We’d been married about five months,” he said, and he threw her a sheepish grin. “One of those shotgun weddings. We never intended to get pregnant. But we were determined to make it work for the baby’s sake. Then, when Eden died, everything fell apart. My wife was gone by Christmastime, and we got divorced not long after.”

  “Eden is a beautiful name,” Gina said, trying to focus on something good from this terrible story. “Did you choose it on purpose?”

  The breeze whispered through the tall seagrass that dotted the dunes, making them rustle. “You mean in the Biblical way? Yeah. I like to think it means paradise, and that’s where she is.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Gina’s heart ached, and so did her arms. She longed to touch him, to take a little bit of the burden he carried and hold it for him so he could get his breath.

  “Yeah, it stinks,” Noel said. Tears clouded his gray eyes, and he clenched his fist around the hand of his crutch. “It stinks.”

  She didn’t think it through; she just moved. Her arms circled his waist, and she stepped closer, drawing him into a hug.

  Noel hesitated for a split second, then relaxed into her. He gave a small gasp of pain, and she felt the tension run out of his body. One of his arms came up to circle her waist, and she felt the crutch bump lightly against her back.

  “I’m so sorry,” she murmured into his shirt.

  “I never knew I wanted Eden until I couldn’t have her,” he said thickly. “She was beautiful, so small and so perfect—on the outside, anyway. But her heart … she never had a chance.”

  “But she held on longer than they thought,” Gina said. “That means she was a fighter.”

  He nodded against her hair.

  “I’m so sorry,” Gina said again. “And I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with it alone. The only thing I did was blame you and get mad. I didn’t know.”

  He pulled back, looked down into her eyes. There were tears shining on his cheeks, and she stopped herself from brushing them away. That felt like a step too far.

  “It’s okay,” Noel said. “I’m sorry I ran out in front of you. I was so crazy with it being the anniversary, thinking about everything. I don’t normally drink, but there are a few days every year where all I want to do is check out so I don’t feel it anymore.”

  Gina could understand. Not in the grief-stricken way he so clearly did, but there were plenty of times when she needed a nighttime sleeping pill. There was a small comfort in forgetting for a little while and letting all the bad things wash over her while she slept peacefully and hopefully dreamt about nothing.

  The door to the house crashed open, and Jordan burst through. He stopped and stared when he saw Gina and Noel locked in an embrace. Noel dropped his arms, and Gina quickly took a step back.

  “Hey, buddy. What’s up?” Gina asked. Her voice trembled, and she cleared her throat.

  Jordan’s mouth was set in a hard line. “Grandpa wants to know if you want ice cream,” he said.

  Noel scrubbed one hand across his face, brushing away the tears. “No thanks, I’m good. Gonna stay out here and enjoy the air for a little while.”

  Gina got the hint. She reached out and lightly squeezed his arm, then turned to Jordan. “Ice cream sounds great. Let’s go.” She took Jordan’s hand and steered her son back into the house, leaving Noel to his memories and his grief.

  10

  Eden meant heaven, paradise. Noel wasn’t an overly religious person, but every day, he desperately hoped that was where his daughter’s soul rested. He threw back his head and looked at the sky, as if the winking stars could give him some sort of indication he was right. That his daughter was still there, somewhere.

  The air was tinged with the familiar smell of the ocean, but also something new. The fresh, clean scent of Gina’s hair wafted around him, flowery, comforting, and warm. He’d wanted to hold her longer, pull her closer. He’d wanted to move from the raw grief into the comfort she offered, however slight.

  But they’d been interrupted before anything else could happen.

  It was probably just as well. Indigo Bay was temporary, a pause on his stalled life while his leg healed. And then what? More traveling, more sculpture contests, more trying to pretend his heart hadn’t been cut to pieces when he’d buried his little girl.

  But … beneath the pain, he’d felt something else tonight. A small glimmer of warmth, a kernel of hope. When Gina had wrapped her arms around him, the pressure had eased, just for a moment.

  Noel sighed and rubbed his eyes. Life was complicated; he’d learned that long ago. And while this woman had offered a brief flash of relaxation and softness, it didn’t mean anything. He was a drifter. He’d already chosen his path, and he’d stick to it. It was the only thing he knew.

  The window seat was one of Gina’s favorite things about her bedroom. When she was younger, it was her go-to spot for reading, playing, thinking, and daydreaming. Now that she was older, it didn’t feel quite right, like she should have moved on from this place. Yet she still found herself drawn to the soft cushions and the view of the ocean.

  Well, sort of a view of the ocean. Her room faced the house of the neighbor, Miss Lucille, but if she craned her neck, she could get a glimpse of the water. But she couldn’t see the deck off the back of the house where she’d left Noel.

  The story of his daughter pierced her heart. How did you ever get over such a tragedy?

  The knock on her door sent a jolt through her. Maybe it was Noel. Butterflies flitted in her stomach, and she hurried toward the door.

  “Mom?” Jordan called from the other side. The door handle rattled.

  Oh. Gina slowed her steps. Noel wouldn’t be coming upstairs, not with his crutches.

  “Mooom?” Jordan’s voice came again, impatient.

  She flipped the lock and pulled the door open, working to slow the frantic beating of her heart. “What’s up, son?”

  “Did Dad call?” Jordan asked.

  Gina frowned. “No. Why?”

  “He’s supposed to take us fishing in the morning.”

  All thoughts of Noel flew from her mind. “Wait, what? When did he say that?” She hadn’t talked to Lee since before Thanksgiving.

  Jordan’s face was hard, his mouth set into a thin line Gina knew all too well. He hated to be the one forced to relay messages between Gina and Lee. She’d never wanted to put him in that position anyway, and when they’d divorced, she’d vowed she never would. Funny how easy it was to slip into the cliché without even realizing it.

  “Never mind,” she told Jordan quickly. “I’ll call him.”

  Jordan nodded, relief washing over his face.

  “What are you guys doing?” Gina asked.

  “Playing Star Wars with Grandpa on the PlayStation,” Jordan said. “Arthur’s really bad at it.”

  “Give me a minute, and I’ll call Dad about the fishing trip.”

  Jordan took off, thundering back down the stairs while Gina found her phone and dialed the familiar number.

  “Hey.” Lee answered on the second ring. No hello, how’ve you been, nothing. “What do you want?”

  “Well, hello to you too,” Gina said. When there was no reply, she continued. “Jordan says you’re taking them fishing tomorrow?”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Why is this the first I’ve heard of it?”

  “He was supposed to tell you a long time ago. Blame him, not me.”

  “He’s eight, Lee,” she said. “You can’t expect him to deliver messages.”

  “Yes he can. You baby them too much.”

  She sighed and rubbed her temples, where an ache had already started. Why did Lee have to make everything more difficult? It was like he enjoyed torturing her
.

  “Okay,” she said in a carefully neutral voice. “Where are you taking them?”

  “What difference does it make?”

  “Because I need to know what to pack for them. On the ocean in the bay, they’ll need—”

  “We’re going to Galatian; they’ll need the usual stuff.”

  Gina’s mind went over the boxes sitting in her parents’ garage, things they’d packed in a hurry and not unpacked yet. She didn’t even know where the boys’ fishing gear was. It could be in those boxes, or it could be at the condo where Lee still lived. “Do you know where their fishing gear is? What about their life jackets?”

  He sighed gustily. “I have no idea, Gina. You took most of it.”

  In the background, faintly, came the sound of a woman’s voice.

  Gina’s heart thudded in her chest. “Who’s there?”

  “What?”

  “I thought I heard someone.”

  “Just the TV.”

  He’d been silent for a beat longer than expected. And she knew him, knew his thoughts and his speech patterns. It wasn’t just the TV.

  But now wasn’t the time to get into another argument. “I’ll look for the fishing gear. If I can’t find it, I’ll text you, okay?”

  “Yup.” Lee was gone before she could say goodbye.

  She sank into the window seat and sat for a long time staring at the phone in her hand. When had it all gone so wrong? They’d been in love, desperately in love, when they’d gotten married. She remembered walking down the aisle toward him, her Prince Charming, giddy at the thought of spending the rest of their lives together.

  And now, it was like they were strangers again, or even enemies. Like the last decade of her life hadn’t even happened.

  Except for the boys. There would always be the boys, needing her, needing him, forced to choose between the two of them. Split holidays, split vacations, shuttling messages from one parent to the other.

  Sudden tears welled in her eyes, and she dropped her head into her hands. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this.

  “Gina?”

  A familiar voice sent her heart leaping. She turned to see Noel in the doorway.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “How did you get up the stairs?”

  “I can still walk, you know.” He smiled. “It sucks, but I can do it.” His shoulders blocked the light coming from the open door. “You didn’t answer my question. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Everything. Take your pick,” Gina said.

  “That’s a pretty big range.” Noel leaned against the doorframe, taking the weight off his injured leg. “I’ll guess somewhere between the two.”

  “Yeah, guess so.”

  “Wanna talk about it?” Noel asked.

  “Just my ex being a jerk,” she said, trying to toss it off as no big deal. But it stung. She’d been the most important person in his life, once. Now she probably didn’t even rank in the top ten, even though she was the mother of his children. “He’s taking the boys fishing in the morning and just thought to tell me about it now.”

  “Wow. Jerk move, I’d say.”

  “Do you still have contact with your ex?” she asked.

  “Maren,” Noel said. “And no. I haven’t heard from her since the day we signed divorce papers.”

  “Was it amicable?”

  He shrugged. “I guess. As much as could be expected under the circumstances.”

  Her mind shied away from what it must have been like. How did they decide who kept Eden’s things? Did they give them away, sell them? It was impossible to imagine such a heartbreak.

  “What about you guys?” Noel asked. “I’m assuming it was rough?”

  “Still is,” Gina said. “I don’t know why he has to make it so difficult. I’ve tried to give him everything he wanted.”

  “Maybe that’s part of the problem.”

  “Meaning?”

  “You keep running back, agreeing in order to keep the peace. He knows he can get away with it.”

  She picked up one of the decorative pillows on the window seat and hugged it to her chest. Noel was right. She had gone along, at first from shock, then in hopes Lee would change his mind, and now … what?

  She gave him a small smile. “I never thought I’d be doing this, you know? I meant my vows. I thought we’d be together forever. And now here I am, arguing with my ex-husband over the kids. Exactly the thing I never wanted to do.”

  “Yeah.” His thumb scraped across the rubber handle of the crutch. “Life has a way of doing that. Throwing the very worst thing at you and making you deal with it. Like it can see into your heart and find your deepest fears, and then it dares you to confront them.”

  She paused. “Is that what happened to you? With Eden?”

  “Not entirely,” he said. “I didn’t even know how badly I wanted her until I learned I wouldn’t get to keep her.” He sighed and turned to leave. “Anyway, I just came up here to say thanks for … earlier.”

  She nodded. “You’re welcome.”

  After he left, she drew her legs up and rested her head against her knees, fighting the urge to think about Noel, to remember how it felt to be in his arms. To feel his broad chest rising and falling beneath her cheek. She was dangerously close to falling for Noel. Was it simply because they shared painful pasts or was there something more?

  Gina pushed herself up from the window seat. She had a lot of fishing gear to find and pack and no more time to spend letting herself get dreamy-eyed over Noel. It was loneliness, a need to feel loved again. But she wasn’t going to risk her heart, especially not on someone who’d leave Indigo Bay as fast as a summer rainstorm when his leg healed.

  11

  Noel woke to the sound of whispering outside his window. He lifted his head from the pillow, trying to discern who was there and what they were saying. Even though the voices were hushed, he recognized them. Children’s voices—Jordan and Arthur.

  He squinted at his phone and saw it was five-thirty in the morning. The sky beyond the curtains was steely gray, still hovering in the moment between dark and dawn. What in the world were the boys doing on the porch this early?

  He pushed himself up and reached for his crutches as a new voice cut through the air.

  “I don’t know, boys. He’s not answering his phone.”

  It was Gina. In a flash, Noel understood. They were waiting for her ex-husband to pick up the boys for their fishing trip.

  “Call him again, Mom.” Jordan’s voice was low, but urgent. “Maybe he got in an accident or something.”

  “Jordan, don’t think like that,” Gina said gently. “Let’s give him a few more minutes.”

  Noel got out of bed and pulled a shirt on. It was too much work to change out of the pajama pants, so he left them. Grabbing his crutches, he hobbled to the front door and stepped outside to find Gina and the boys sitting on the porch steps, surrounded by backpacks, life jackets, and fishing poles. By the looks of it, they’d been here a while.

  “Sorry, did we wake you?” Gina asked. There were shadows under her eyes, and her face looked strained. She was doing her best to hide the stress from the boys, but he could see it.

  “Nah, it’s fine,” he said. “What’s going on?”

  “Dad’s taking us fishing, but he’s late,” Arthur said.

  Noel’s knee twinged. He limped to one of the rocking chairs on the porch and sat down. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon, buddy. Are you excited?”

  “Yeah, but we were supposed to leave half an hour ago,” Jordan grumbled.

  “We’ll give him a little bit longer,” Gina said. “It’s a long drive from Cinnamon Hills.”

  “Especially if he’s towing a boat.” Noel’s eyes roved over the two life vests propped near the fishing poles. “You’re going on a boat, right?”

  “Yep. Dad said he might let me drive it this time,” Jordan said. His chest puffed up with pride, but it deflated a second later. “But I’m never goin
g to get to drive if he doesn’t hurry up.”

  “I’ll call him again.” Gina got to her feet and stepped off the porch, moving down the brick driveway toward the edge of her parents’ property, out of earshot.

  “What kind of fish are you after?” Noel asked.

  “Probably bass,” Jordan said with an air of authority. “That’s what we usually get.”

  “Have you ever seen those guys on TV who catch great big fish in the rivers? They don’t even use a pole; they just reach in and bam! The fish bites them and they pull it out.”

  Arthur’s eyes were wide. “Can we try it?”

  “Probably not today.” Noel chuckled. He glanced at Gina, who was pacing along the edge of the driveway, speaking into her phone. So the dirtbag had answered after all.

  Noel’s eyes met Gina’s, and in a flash, he read the underlying angst of a mother who was about to break her child’s hearts. He stood up and leaned on his crutches as she came back to them, shoving the phone into the pocket of her bathrobe.

  “Well, guys, guess what? Dad’s busy today. So we’ll have to think of something else to do.”

  There was a moment of shocked silence while the boys absorbed the news; then they both burst out at once.

  “What?” Arthur howled.

  “No!” Jordan said.

  Gina let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I know you were looking forward to it. He asked if he can take a rain check.”

  “What’s a rain check?” Arthur asked.

  “It means later,” Gina said.

  “Figures,” Jordan mumbled. His eyes sparkled with tears, and he rubbed them with the heels of his hands.

  “I’m so sorry. It was something sudden.” Gina sounded almost as heartbroken as the boys. “We’ll think of something else fun to do today, right?”

  “I want to go with Dad! He promised!” Jordan jumped up from the porch and ran into the house, slamming the door behind him.

  Gina sighed, and her shoulders slumped. To Noel, it looked as if the weight of the world had settled on her.