The Restarting Point

by Marci Bolden

  She didn’t care how many times or ways he said he’d stayed to give her strength. She was convinced he simply hadn’t wanted to look like an ass. Because only an ass would leave his cancer-stricken wife for another woman.

  He hadn’t stayed for her or for the kids. He’d stayed for his pride. To save face. So he could look at himself in the mirror.

  Asshole.

  The anger that bubbled up in her was so overpowering and burning hot that Jade had no choice but to let it out. Leaning her head back, she screamed like the banshee that used to haunt her dreams. When Jade was a child, her grandfather had told her the old Irish folklore of how a female spirit would herald the death of a family member by wailing in the distance.

  After her cancer diagnosis, she’d had nightmares of the creature screaming outside her bedroom window. The demonic howling echoed in her mind for months, even when she was awake. She could almost feel the banshee’s presence, looming in the shadows, ready to take her.

  Now, here Jade stood in the middle of Chammont Lake, wailing like that beast over her dead marriage. Her scream echoed back to her as she took a deep breath so she could let out another round.

  “Jade?” Taylor barked.

  Jade cut her screech short and looked at the woman who had paddled next to her.

  “What the hell?” Taylor demanded.

  Jade shrugged. “I needed to let that out.”

  Taylor yanked her sunglasses off and squinted at her. “Are you hurt?”

  “No. I mean…not like…physically.”

  “Is she okay?” Liam asked as he neared Taylor, who was gawking at Jade like she’d lost her mind.

  Taylor frowned. “I think she’s just a little unhinged at the moment. She’ll be fine.”

  Jade sniffled when the urge to cry sneaked up on her. “I think after all I’ve been through, I deserve a little breakdown. Don’t you?”

  Liam looked from Jade to Taylor and back again, waiting for someone to explain. Neither did.

  “Where’s Darby?” Jade asked after a moment.

  They all turned toward the shore, where Darby had still been practicing her balance while using the paddles. There, lying flat on her stomach on the board, she used her hands to propel herself forward.

  “Don’t worry, Jade,” she called out. “I’m coming.”

  Once again, Darby’s antics won Jade over. She laughed, Taylor shook her head, and Liam continued to look confused.

  “I’m fine. Go help her,” Jade told him. Once he paddled away, she looked at Taylor. “I needed to get some anger off my chest. That’s all.”

  “Feel better?”

  “Amazingly so.”

  “Good, I’m glad.” She looked back at Darby. “She’s never going to make it back to the cabin. We should let Liam haul these things home for us before she hurts herself.”

  “Oh, let’s give her a few more minutes,” Jade said. “She’s having fun.”

  They paddled several times before Taylor asked, “Are you okay?”

  Jade voiced the thoughts that had led her to screaming at the clouds. “He should have told me he was planning to leave.”

  Taylor was quiet for a few moments. “That would have been really shitty of him, Jade.”

  “No. Letting me believe in something that wasn’t real while he was fucking someone else behind my back was shitty.”

  “So you would have rather been lying in a hospital bed all alone, not knowing if you were going to survive? You would have rather had the psychological trauma of cancer topped off with the heartbreak of divorce? You really think that would have been better?” Taylor shook her head. “He’s a dick for what he did, Jade, but on some level, he did right by you. A shitty level, but he did try.”

  Jade considered her words before shaking her head. “No, I disagree. He let me make plans for a life he knew he was going to walk away from.”

  “What would it have done to your kids if he’d ditched you in the middle of your treatment?”

  Jade hadn’t considered that.

  “What would they have done?” Taylor pressed. “How would that have impacted them? They were already scared, I’m sure. But having their dad taking care of you had to have given them some comfort. Right?”

  Looking out over the water, Jade frowned. “Yes. They were both at school and terrified.”

  “Nick being there was important to them.”

  Jade paddled harder. “Can’t you let me hate him? Please? I really need to hate him right now.”

  “Go ahead, hate him. I hate him for you. But don’t lie to yourself. Him leaving now hurts, but if that had been compounded by your cancer, it would have been worse. He’s still a son of a bitch, but like… One of those sons of bitches you don’t mind buying a beer for because even though you hate him, you know he has good intentions.”

  Jade blew out her breath. “I’d spit in his beer.”

  “Oh, so would I. Without hesitation,” Taylor said. “And I’d find some chewed gum stuck to the bottom of a barstool and rub that shit all over the rim when he wasn’t looking.”

  Jade chuckled. “Good. Thank you. I appreciate that you wouldn’t just slap him on the back and tell him he had no easy choice.”

  “Never. I’d never do that.”

  Silence fell between them again before Jade confessed. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, you know. What do I do once I go home? That life doesn’t fit me anymore. Getting sick made me realize I hadn’t just neglected my marriage. I don’t even have friends to turn to because my career was more important than having a life.”

  “Hey,” Taylor said, “you have us. We’re here. We’re your friends.”

  Jade glanced behind them and was happy to see Darby and Liam standing upright and paddling toward them. “Look at that. She’s found her footing.”

  “All it took was a man giving her his undivided attention.” Taylor’s tone sounded cynical and judgmental.

  “You know how some kids get in trouble because bad attention is better than no attention?” Jade asked.

  Taylor glanced at her. “Yeah.”

  “I think Darby screws up so someone will notice and show that they care.”

  “I thought you were a marketing executive, not a therapist.”

  Jade stopped paddling to let her arms rest. “Owen, my youngest, turned into a class clown to get attention for a long time. Like I said, I worked a lot and wasn’t around as much as I should have been. For a while, he spent more time than not getting into trouble to get noticed. It’s not quite the same, but I think that’s what she’s doing. Trying to get noticed.”

  “She needs help.”

  Jade giggled. “Don’t we all?” She let out a long breath as she looked around the lake. “I hate feeling so lost. I hate not knowing what to do. But…I just don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this.”

  “You’ll get through it,” Taylor said. “I promise. We’re going to be here for whatever you need.”

  Jade laughed when Darby grimaced at the salmon on her plate. For her last night in Chammont Point, she’d invited her two friends over for a goodbye dinner. This wasn’t goodbye, however. Taylor and Darby reassured Jade they were one phone call and an hour’s drive away. They were adamant that they’d stay in touch. Even so, the meal she’d made had a shadow over it. She was leaving the cabin and heading home in the morning. The dread in her heart from knowing she’d be going home to an empty house seemed to grow with every beat. But Darby’s dinnertime antics distracted Jade from her problems.

  “You don’t have to eat that if you don’t like it,” Jade told Darby.

  “No,” Darby said, “You invited me to dinner. I’ll…” She swallowed so hard, Jade actually heard the gulp.

  “You’d think someone who grew up in a lake town wouldn’t be so uneasy eating fish,” Taylor said, squeezing a slice of lemon over her plate.

  “I eat fish,” Darby said. “When it’s coated in batter and deep fried. I don’t like my food looking at me.” Da
rby stuck her bottom lip out at Jade. “You should have cut the head off the poor guy.”

  Taylor put a napkin over the fish’s head. “There. Does that help?”

  “I guess. But I still know his little eyes are there with that blank stare.”

  “You’re hopeless,” Taylor said with a laugh. “Just try it.”

  Darby sniffed the Mediterranean-style steamed fish and then slowly put it in her mouth. Jade and Taylor watched, waiting for Darby’s verdict on the dish.

  “Hey,” Darby said, “that’s not bad.”

  “I’m glad you think so.” Jade’s smile fell as she glanced across the table at Taylor.

  She was thinking something. Jade might not have known Taylor for long, but she’d already learned that Taylor tended to get quiet when she was debating what to say.

  “Do you want us to go with you tomorrow?” Taylor asked.

  For a moment, Jade almost agreed. She’s been dreading the idea of walking into her home, knowing the life she’d had there was over. However, after a few seconds of considering the offer, she shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m probably going to be a mess. You guys don’t need to see that.”

  “We don’t mind,” Darby said. “We talked about it, actually. Maybe you shouldn’t do this alone.”

  “I appreciate you two so much,” Jade said. “I think I do need to do this alone, though. I’m closing the door on a pretty big chapter of my life. It’s going to be rough.”

  Taylor nodded, as if she had been expecting that answer. “We’re an hour away. One phone call.”

  “Which,” Jade said with more cheer than she felt, “means that I’m going to be visiting all the time. I want you guys to start thinking of things for us to do on the weekends. And we don’t have to stay in Chammont Point. You guys should come up to Fairfax soon. I have plenty of room for you.”

  “We’re going to have so much fun,” Darby said. “I can’t wait. I have been looking for a Thelma to my Louise forever, and now I have two. It’s amazing.”

  “Let’s hope any road trips we take go better,” Taylor said with a laugh.

  Thankfully, the conversation turned from Jade’s trip home to plans of things to come. A canoe trip was in their near future, as well as a picnic lunch on the shore of one of the small islands on the west end of the lake. Jade wanted to learn rock climbing, which Darby wasn’t excited about because she was certain it would ruin her manicure, but Taylor’s eyes lit at the idea.

  By the time they finished dinner and cleaned up the mess, Jade and her friends had a short list of trips they were going to take before the weather turned too cold. They even had a few ideas for what to do over winter. Snowshoeing was on the list, and Jade couldn’t wait. She felt like she had to learn everything all at once and was excited she’d found friends willing to join her in the adventures.

  After folding a towel and setting it aside, Taylor eyed Jade. “It’s getting late. We should go so you can pack and get some sleep.”

  Darby stuck her lip out. “Are you sure you’re okay going home alone tomorrow?”

  “Yeah,” Jade said. Taking their hands, much like she’d done the day when they started organizing her divorce strategy, Jade squeezed them tight. “I am so thankful that I’ve had you two to get me through this week.”

  “Not just this week,” Taylor stated.

  Giving Jade a sad smile, Darby said, “Call if you need us.”

  Jade hugged them both and walked out to see them off. The almost full moon lit the way for Taylor to make it to her truck and Darby to walk the path between the two cabins. Once they both were gone, Jade looked out at the cove. When she’d first decided to come to Chammont Point, she’d done so to kick off her new, family focused outlook on life. What she’d found instead were two unexpected anchors in yet another unexpected storm in her life.

  She looked up at the orb in the sky and fought the urge to laugh manically. Whatever the universe had planned for her had better be good because all she’d managed to do so far was build a fake sense of security that had been yanked away from her without warning. Things wouldn’t be getting easier anytime soon. In the coming days, she’d be going back to work in the office full-time, telling her children their parents were divorcing, and splitting her assets with a man who had left her long before he’d ever confessed to it.

  Despite her newfound friendships with Taylor and Darby, Jade couldn’t think of a time in her life when she’d felt so alone. She’d never been one to have close friendships, but she’d never been one to feel like she needed them. Now that she had been left to face an unknown future, she understood how distant she was from everyone in her life. She’d come to count on Darby and Taylor far too much in the short time she’d known them, but she really was tempted to call them both and tell them she’d changed her mind. She did want them to go to Fairfax with her. She did need them to hold her hands as she walked through her house for the first time since Nick had left.

  That seemed like a pretty big ask from two women she’d only met a week ago.

  Instead of begging for help, Jade filled her lungs with the moist air rolling off the lake and stared at the moon, reminding herself that she was a strong, independent woman and could handle anything life threw at her. She’d built a successful career, single-handedly supported her husband and two children for years, and had beaten cancer when the doctors told her the odds were not in her favor. She’d survived far too much to give up now. She would survive this too.

  Jade walked to the water’s edge and dipped her toes in. The water was warm and inviting, tempting her to go in farther. She didn’t stop until the lake was lapping at the hem of her shorts. As it had a few days prior, the water calmed her, soothing the rough edges of her frayed nerves. Closing her eyes, Jade sank down until the warm water embraced her.

  “One of these days,” someone called from the shore, “you’ll wear a bathing suit into the water.”

  Gasping, Jade stared at the silhouette. Seconds passed before she connected the voice. “Liam?”

  He walked into the water but only to the edge of his shorts. The light shimmered off his teeth as he grinned. “What is it with you and going into the lake with your clothes on?”

  “It is almost ten o’clock. What are you doing here?”

  “You asked me to pick up your kayak,” he reminded her.

  “Tomorrow,” she clarified as she stood. “I asked you to pick it up tomorrow.”

  “You said you were leaving early. I didn’t think you’d miss it. I can come back in the morning.”

  Jade said, “No, take it.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked when she stopped in front of him, her clothes soaking wet.

  “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  Liam looked her over. “Maybe you aren’t aware of this, but it’s fairly unusual to swim in your clothes.”

  “You are really hung up on that.”

  “It’s really odd,” he said.

  “I’m going home tomorrow. I thought one last dip was in order.” Gesturing behind him to the shore, Jade said, “Your kayak’s over there.”

  He ignored her hint and skimmed over her shirt and shorts. “You’re a strange lady.”

  Jade smiled, reminded of what Darby had said about not caring what other people thought. Darby didn’t mind being looked at like she was strange, because she was happy. Just like floating in the lake made Jade happy—fully clothed or not. “I know.”

  Her wet feet gathered sand as she crossed the beach, not bothering to justify her actions. If Darby Zamora could hold her head up while dressed like a piece of fruit, Jade Kelly could hold her head up while swimming fully clothed.

  Eight

  The two-story gray house used to feel like home. Staring up at her house through her bug-spattered windshield, Jade once again wondered how in the hell her life had fallen apart in such a short period of time. Then again, that seemed to be how it had happened. A little over a year ago, she had been certain she had stressed herself into
some kind of digestive problem. Turned out she had cancer. A week ago, she had left this house under the impression that her marriage was getting a second chance. Turned out her husband was leaving her.

  Now, the structure that used to welcome her felt like a foreign land. Nick no longer lived there. She didn’t even know where he was living. Part of her wanted to turn right around and go back to Chammont Point. She could paddle out into the middle of the lake and ignore the rest of the world. Maybe she could stay there forever, looking up at the sky while the soft lapping of water lulled away her worries.

  Jade dropped her head against the headrest of the driver’s seat, closed her eyes, and pictured the water and that crappy little cabin. She chuckled as she recalled how she’d fallen through the banister and landed flat on her face, terrifying Darby. How had that only been a week ago?

  Now, she was coming home to an empty house. She couldn’t avoid facing the space forever. At some point, she was going to have to go inside and see the voids on the bookshelves and the empty side of the closet. Jade started to reach for her phone, tempted to reach out to Darby and Taylor for courage, but she hesitated. Nothing they said could make this easier.

  With one last breath for courage, Jade climbed from her car and took the bag from the back seat. Once inside, she simply dropped the bag at her feet and kicked the door shut behind her.

  From the doorway, she scanned the living room. Big windows let in an abundance of sunshine, brightening the light blue walls and off-white carpet. The furniture, which Jade had always loved, somehow looked too stiff to be comfortable. The room appeared to have been staged by a world-renowned real estate agent. Everything was in its place. Perfectly matched. Colors and patterns chosen to be the most aesthetically pleasing. All the surfaces were clean and tidy. Other than the now disorganized bookshelf where Nick’s missing belongings left gaps, the room appeared to be untouched. Cold. Hard. And yes, unwelcoming.