by Robin Roseau
“Not like you mean. He said, ‘Our child’s father should not live in the shadows, Ralalta’.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“He was right. But I was the princess, and my mother was the queen, so I tended to get what I wanted, most of the time.”
“This sounds bad.”
“Not so bad. I made him come to dinner with Mother.”
“Did she know about him?”
“Do you think you could have had an affair and I wouldn’t learn of it?”
I laughed. “Probably not.”
“To be clear, Yalla, I know the name of everyone you have kissed.”
“I find that unlikely, as quite a bit of that kissing didn’t happen inside your borders.”
“Fine. I know the name of everyone you have ever kissed within the borders of Marport.”
“I find even that unlikely.”
For the first time, she turned to me. “There is at least one you believe no one knows.”
“That may or may not be true.”
“One you kissed well before you were an age to accept suitors.”
“Now you’re just guessing.”
“One who frequently shared your bed.”
I grew cold inside. She was guessing. Fishing for information. She didn’t know. It was only once, and neither of us ever told anyone. Except…Muranna may have told people in Alteara. No, she wasn’t spying on me back then, not really, anyway.
“And I continued to let her share your bed.”
“You’re assuming.”
“Are you sure?”
I wasn’t.
“I notice you didn’t deny it.”
“I refuse to reward your fishing expedition.”
She smiled. “You do remember I warned you off of her, do you not? Did you think I came up with that conversation out of nothing?”
“Nice try. You were talking about Juleena’s father,” I said, trying to steer the conversation back.
“Admit it.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then deny it.”
“As I said, I’m not going to reward your fishing expedition.”
“Yalla. You know you kissed her. And I know you kissed her. The question that should be on your mind is simple: whom have I told?”
“If I kissed her -- and I’m not admitting I did -- it was a decade ago. You’re free to tell whomever you like. We can call my wife over right now and tell her, if you like.”
“Are you sure she doesn’t know?”
“Yes.”
“Are you really sure?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I’ve kissed a lot of people. You and Juleena insisted on it, as I recall. What’s one more or less?”
She smiled again. “As I was saying, I know the name of each and every one. So yes, my mother knew about him. She didn’t, however, know I was pregnant. I managed to hide that from her, although I knew I couldn’t keep it secret for long.”
“So, what happened?”
“Mother was very gracious. And he couldn’t have been more nervous. Mother complimented him on his work and expressed pleasure in a long and fruitful career ahead of him.”
“And?”
“And she agreed with him. Consort to the queen has been the downfall of many good men, and it takes a certain fortitude to accept it. He knew he could handle it, but she’d seen his work, and she said it would be forever changed, and what a shame that would be.”
“She didn’t want him as a son-in-law.”
“No, she didn’t, not because he wasn’t a good man, but he wasn’t the man I would need at my side.”
“And so you had no one at all?”
“I think that was part of the reason she abdicated while still in her prime, so she could guide me, but I would carry the responsibility.” She paused. “She was my age, and I was Juleena’s, or thereabouts.”
“Ralalta, did you just tell me something very important?”
“Oh, I’m not ready to abdicate yet, but I’m not going to be one of those rulers who clutches the crown when I’m doddering, either.” She paused. “I wish I could speak directly to your goddess.”
“That wish seems like a non-sequitur, but I assume it’s not.”
“I would love guidance from someone older and wiser,” she said. “Yalla, I’ve talked to Juleena about all of this, but she doesn’t respond well to discussions of her father. She feels he abandoned me.”
“He did.”
“No.”
“And he abandoned his daughter. I can’t imagine.”
“Unless Juleena brings it up, please don’t talk to her about any of this.”
“About you abdicating?”
She ignored that question, or so it seemed. “She’ll come to you when she’s ready. She’s in as much denial as any of us.”
“Is that another reason you came?”
“Yes. She has full authority in my absence. Power will go to her head, I’m sure.” We laughed together at that.
I sobered first, thinking of Juleena, back home, alone, shouldering the responsibility of the country. I hung my head. “I’m a terrible wife.”
“Stop that,” Ralalta ordered. “I mean it. Juleena couldn’t be more pleased with either of her wives.”
“I should be there, helping her.”
“Malta is there, and a few others. We’re not in crisis, and she can handle anything that comes up. She wouldn’t be my heir if she couldn’t.”
“You know, you make it look easy, being queen. It’s not, though.”
“Few realize that,” she agreed. “They see the crown and the trappings and the big house. They see the power. They think I can snap my fingers, and everyone does my bidding.”
“They do.”
“The ones close to me do, which is why it looks so easy. But I can’t snap my fingers and make the problems of the world go away. If I didn’t care, it would be easy.”
“But,” I pointed out, “you do care.”
“And you’re beginning to understand how hard it is when you care. Yalla, these feelings of inadequacy you have lately? I still have them, some days, and they were terrible for, oh, the first two decades.”
“Please tell me you’re kidding.”
“It gets better when you accept that the best you can do is your best, and no more. Ask yourself this: is the world a better place for what you do?”
I thought for a moment. “You know, I think it is.”
“I do, too. And it may be vanity, but I feel the world is better for what I do.”
“It is,” I emphatically replied.
“Do you know when Juleena is going to need you most? When there is a crisis that could be answered with a sword, but should be answered through compassion. That’s when she’ll need you and Alta both. It’s hard to withdraw from a war after people begin to die.”
“Speaking of war, thank you for not getting anyone killed over me.”
“The list I wanted to kill was short,” she said, “but it broke my heart I couldn’t take you back.”
“It ended well.”
“It did,” she agreed. “I have three daughters and four granddaughters. And I want you to ask the Goddess about more.”
I laughed. “You’re not too old.”
She laughed even louder. “I believe I am.”
“Would you, if you could?”
“Where would I get the energy?” she asked. “No. Juleena wasn’t enough, but once you arrived, I was quite content.”
“I love you, too, Ralalta.”
Goddess
Travel was slow, taking two days longer than it might have other years, and it was late in the day when finally we reached the foot of the Heart of the Goddess. But I brought Hamper to a stop and pointed.
Around me, the rest of my troop brought their weary horses to a rest, and together, we all looked up to the entrance leading into the Heart of the Goddess.
“Do we camp,” I called out “or do we press on?”
&n
bsp; No one spoke. We were all tired. Our mounts were tired. We needed a good night’s rest. But finally Ralalta climbed from the carriage, and I climbed from Hamper. She stepped up to me, and then Féla appeared to take Hamper from me. Ralalta and I put our arms around each other and looked up the mountain.
“I don’t think I’ll be riding the carriage up that path.”
“The first time we came, I walked,” I said. “But that was because they brought me in a carriage, and there was no way they were letting me near a horse.”
“I know what I want,” Ralalta said. “You promise there’s a hot bath and warm, clean bed waiting up there?”
“I promise.”
“I wouldn’t force the others to make the climb tonight, if they want to stay here a night. Juleena told me the guards don’t go up.”
“They don’t. They make camp here. Even the Altearans.” I turned and raised my voice. “Please bring Ralalta’s freshest mount, and I’ll switch to Zana now.”
“I wondered why you weren’t on her.”
“So she’d be fresh for this.”
“I just figured that out,” Ralalta said.
Our mounts were prepared for us. I looked at Lamarta and my daughters, and then I looked uphill. I studied Mellara, as well. “You know what?” I said. “Ralalta will ride. Those of you who are comfortable riding up may do so, but most of us will be walking.”
Ralalta turned to me in surprise, but she saw me looking at my daughters and understood. “I could walk,” she whispered.
“Please ride,” I said. “But you’re going to have to go at my pace, as it wouldn’t do for you to arrive ahead of me.”
“No, I suppose it wouldn’t,” she said.
I let Alta manage everything, and five minutes later, walking single file, we began our way up the mountain.
* * * *
It was worth it.
We were seen. Word had gone ahead we were on our way, of course, and so they’d assigned lookouts. Those were details I never investigated; my plate was full enough.
But, as always, everyone was waiting, lined up just inside the grand arch that formed the entrance to the Heart of the Goddess.
And standing alone, waiting, was the Goddess Yahamala, my Prestainamatta.
As always, the moment I saw her, so breathtaking was she that I stopped and stared.
And so some of the others, those closest behind me, caught up to me: my daughters, my wife, and some of the acolytes. They clustered around me, with Mandi, Nissi, and Lamarta looking with wide eyes.
And then Nissi pointed and asked, “Is that her?”
“You can see her.”
“Yes, Mama Yalla,” Nissi said.
“I can, too, Mama,” Mandi said.
“Yes, my darlings,” I said. “That is our Prestainamatta. Do you remember what that means?”
“Of course, Mama,” Nissi said. And then she took off, running for the Goddess.
I was about to call her back, but the Goddess broke out in a large smile, as wide as any I’d seen on her. And she crouched down and opened her arms widely.
At that, Mandi, not to be outdone, took off after her sister.
“I don’t see anyone,” Lamarta said.
“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry about that, Lamarta. But you’re still going to be a priestess, and that’s important, important work. I’m so proud of you.” I took her hand, and then Alta’s on the other side, and I strode forth.
Nissi arrived at the Goddess, who scooped her up, both of them laughing, and spun her around in the air. And then Mandi arrived, and the Goddess scooped her up, too, holding them both to her as she spun around and around.
And the three began to rise into the air.
As we drew closer, Larien stepped forward and took Lamarta from me, and after that, I didn’t worry. I knew Larien and Terél would attend to everything. I was free to walk to the Goddess, looking up at her.
She was speaking in loving tones to my daughters, laughing and giggling at the same time, and them laughing with her as she turned around and around, high in the air.
Then Mandi said, “Mama Yalla! I’m flying! But what is she saying?”
“I can’t hear her over all the giggling,” I said. But I was bursting with pride.
The Goddess looked down. “My High Priestess,” she called out. “You bring me such wonderful presents.” They began to descend until all three were firmly on the ground again. “Please introduce me properly, and then you and I must have our greeting.”
I laughed in pure joy. “My Prestainamatta,” I said, “I would like to present to you my two eldest daughters.” I pulled them from her, one to either side, and said, “This one is Whitarmandi, who is most often called Mandi. And this is Darnisom, most often called Nissi.” I switched languages. “My darlings, this is Our Prestainamatta, the Goddess Yahamala. Curtsey to her.”
And they did, as well as one could expect of girls their age.
The Goddess knelt down and said, “Mandi.” She held out her hands. My eldest stood and walked to her. Yahamala set her hands on my daughter’s shoulders. “Do they know my words?”
“Only a few,” I said. “It takes time.”
“Do they understand you will translate, and someday, they will?”
“Yes.”
“Then translate for me. Whitarmandi, welcome to my heart and to my Heart.”
I translated and Mandi looked over her shoulder at me, offering a look.
“Maybe you should explain,” said the Goddess with a smile.
“She welcomes you into her heart,” I said, clasping my hand to my chest. “But this place is called the Heart of the Goddess, and so she also welcomes you here.”
“Ohhh,” Mandi said. “I like that.”
“I do, too,” I said. “Now you should say something to her.”
“She won’t understand. That’s what you said.”
“I’ll translate, but don’t go too fast.”
She nodded and turned back to the Goddess. “You’re so beautiful.”
“Thank you,” the Goddess said at the translation. Then she caressed Mandi’s face. “As are you.” Then she pushed Mandi back slightly, so the girl retreated to my side, requiring only a little more encouragement from me.
“Nissi,” said Yahamala, again holding out her arms. Nissi stepped forward. “Darnisom, like your sister, you are welcome in my heart, and in my Heart.”
“Am I going to be a high priestess now?” Nissi asked. I translated that.
“It is your choice,” the Goddess replied. “But you already decided in your heart, or I would not have selected you.”
Nissi watched me as I translated then fingered her hair. And then she practiced some of the few words she knew in the language of the Goddess. “Love. You. Prestainamatta.”
The Goddess beamed widely, and then she spoke very slowly and carefully, gesturing as she did so. “And I love you, Nissi.” She pulled the girl into her arms, and then she held out another hand, and I sent Mandi forward for one more hug. The three clung tightly for a while, and then, slowly, the Goddess released them.
“Ask Terél to take them now,” she ordered. I looked, and Terél was standing only a few feet away. When I gestured, she stepped forward and collected the girls, and I would vaguely see her introducing them to the other priestesses. But I only had eyes for my Prestainamatta.
She held out her arms, and I ran the three steps to her. We hugged and kissed and kissed and hugged and laughed and whispered and rotated slowly. And then we kissed more, and I ignored everything about me, although I knew my feet weren’t touching the ground.
I’d long grown accustomed to greetings with the Goddess.
“We have so much to discuss,” I told her.
“Don’t we always?” She laughed. “Did I surprise you?”
“Not as much as you did Mellara.”
“Is she angry?”
“Scared, I think. She came. Did you know?”
“No. I knew you brou
ght the children. I can feel them, you know. And I know you brought others, but it was confusing. I can feel Alta and Juleena too, but I did not see her approach.”
“Then perhaps I have one more surprise for you, Prestainamatta.”
And then we kissed again, long, passionate kisses that left me breathless and filled with joy. And I knew everyone was watching, but I didn’t care.
Of course, eventually we had to descend, but I clutched at the Goddess long after I felt solid ground beneath my feet.
“I wish to meet my third acolyte, and her mother.”
“There is one other I believe you should greet first.”
“Alta and Juleena?”
“Well, Alta and someone else.” I turned and saw Alta standing beside Ralalta. I held out my hand, and they approached.
“Ah, Princess Lásenalta,” said the Goddess. “Welcome to my Heart.”
She offered a curtsey and a smile. “We are pleased to be here,” she replied.
And then the Goddess turned to Ralalta. “And who is this?” She asked me.
“I thought you might know,” I said. I switched to Framaran. “Mother, I presume you can’t see her.”
“No, but I saw my granddaughters floating in the air, and then you were clearly kissing someone. Your wife doesn’t seem put out.”
“The priestesses pay attention to how I’m facing, and that’s how they judge where she is,” I said. I gestured to the Goddess. “You may call her Goddess. We don’t often use her name. Or, but only if you truly accept her, Prestainamatta.”
And Ralalta nodded.
I turned back to the Goddess, waiting impatiently, and switched back into her language. “I do not know all these words in your language. I am sorry. But I must use her titles. My Prestainamatta.” And then I launched into a litany of Ralalta’s titles, saving the best for last, “Queen Ralalta of Framara. She has long wished to meet you.”
The Goddess stood in one place, still, staring at Ralalta. Finally she said, “Queen Ralalta.”
“Yes.”
“The Queen of Framara.”
“Yes.”
“Juleena’s mother.”
“Yes.”
“Your queen.”
“Yes.”
“Here.”
“She wanted to meet you,” I said. “She has wanted to meet you since you first sent me home to her. This is why Juleena couldn’t come. One of them had to stay behind.”