Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet
Page 1
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The Queen
Hello. Great fan of your work. I especially love the Christmas speeches.
On that subject I feel there is something of vital importance you need to address next year. I am talking of course about these roving bands of ‘trebuchet gangs’. In my area alone the number of teenagers getting together of a night to cart a three storey trebuchet around the streets is becoming truly worrying.
Whilst I am all for gun control it seems that in the absence of modern firearms more and more troubled youths are turning to medieval siege weaponry to defend their ‘turf’. You can imagine the collateral damage done to surrounding buildings when they fire these things at each other and the effect it’s had on property prices is shocking.
I often fear to leave my house after dark. It is getting a little ridiculous to be honest. Just last week I witnessed three kids running down the street with a scaling ladder and I could swear I saw a man throw an alligator at someone last night. It was both impressive and terrifying.
Short of sending Boris Johnson out there to deal with it I believe your Christmas address is the only thing to set this country straight. Ask yourself: how long is it going to be before you too wake up to find a thirteen foot predatory reptile rummaging through your underwear drawer? (Sorry, that was not a joke about Prince Philip).
----------
Trevor Mcinsley
to: HM Customs and Excise
We are currently looking at importing a number of items but I have been unable to find any information regarding the duties due and indeed the legality of owning them.
The first item we are importing is sixteen alligators. The second item is a fully functional trebuchet. Please note that this is entirely coincidental and both shipments will be going to different owners. WE HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF LAYING SIEGE TO YORK WITH AN ALLIGATOR TREBUCHET.
We have handled livestock in the past but never sixteen alligators. What is the legislation regarding these dangerous, carnivorous animals?
Regarding the trebuchet I understand it is to be used at a small medieval theme park to launch footballs at hay stacks in a big open field. However what with it being fully functional it is more than capable of firing lethal projectiles at people, houses, York Castle etc.
I’m sure that the end user is licensed to operate the device but just wanted to check that we would not be liable should the device fall into the wrong hands. I would really rather not have my name in the news alongside the headline ‘M25 Brought to Standstill by Medieval Siege Weaponry’... so thought it best to check.
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
HM Customs and Excise
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Dear Trevor
I’ve been advised by HMRC that they are not able to advice with regard to the Alligators but they will get back to you regarding the trebuchet. The best people to contact for importing livestock are DEFRA.
----------
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The National Archives
Hello. I am wondering what the legislation is regarding owning a trebuchet in Britain. Unfortunately it seems your search system only searches by title and so far neither ‘trebuchet’ nor ‘law regarding possession of medieval siege engines’ has turned up any results.
Do you have any information regarding ownership of a trebuchet and other siege weaponry (including alligators)?
Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet
In my last book ‘Trevor Mcinsley Moments’ (Trevor Mcinsley Moments, available on Amazon, buy it now, buy it now)... I talked excessively about cats and cat owners. Well, ranted frankly. In fact I believe I called them a paradox and said...
They abhor the notion of anyone so much as looking at their precious little Frederick Fuzzyface with anything other than love and then let him out to go on a killing spree across the back gardens and hedge rows of the land.
To which their response, naturally, would be:
“But it’s in their nature to hunt.”
To which... I wonder how much I can get away with simply quoting stuff directly from my first book with a bit of pointless preamble in between...
To which I commented...
Yes, it sure is... problem is it is not necessarily in the nature of the things it is hunting to avoid being hunted... Cats are not indigenous to 99% of the places they are running about in murdering things. Therefore shrugging it all off as part of nature is somewhat inaccurate. I mean if I were, for instance, to release a fully grown tiger into a London suburb I could hardly excuse its killing your cat and attempting to devour your child as ‘natural’. Likewise if I took to riding about town on an Indian elephant I couldn’t use the excuse ‘It’s in its nature to stomp on things’ on the insurance claim after it had just left a metre wide crater in the bonnet of your Porsche. If I were to purchase sixteen alligators and a trebuchet...
Which I found inexplicably amusing. Most things have diminishing returns the more you read them... maybe it is just me but I still laugh every single time. Yeah... it probably is just me. Anyway it inspired me to name this book ‘Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet’ and the shockingly poor rate of sales on Amazon of the last one inspired me to make this book a fraction of the length at a fraction of the price.
You know it’s rather startling the number of books out there which are under 20 pages long for a quid... if you picked up a book in a shop that you could easily leaf through in less than ten minutes you wouldn’t be inclined to hand over all your loose change to buy it would you?
Page counts are an abstract concept at best on an electronic reader. I actually gained thirty pages in formatting my first book for the Kindle so you can imagine how slender and pathetic these short books would look upon a shelf in paperback... or hardback for that matter, where the combined cover thickness would be more than their entire content.
Oddly however it seems when you release a half dozen mediocre stories online at tuppence farthing a piece you make a killing... you write three and a half hundred (yes that was the strangest way possible of writing ‘350’) pages of vaguely amusing drivel at £3 and nothing much happens.
So yes... my vaguely surreal joke about wanting to write a book entitled Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet became a reality and for a little while I found myself quite obsessed with the subject of alligator trebuchets...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The US Government
Just wondering what your foreign policy is regarding alligators.
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
The US Government
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hello. Thank you for contacting [The US Government].
We have reviewed your message, but in order to assist you we need more specific information regarding your inquiry.
Do you intend on importing or exporting an alligator?
Is your question related to having an alligator as a pet?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The US Government
Sorry it appears my message was truncated. I was referring to the application of Alligators in military tactics.
I understand they are used to support Cobras in the air and hence the vehicles seem especially suited to my needs. I’m not sure what the foreign policy is in regards to surplus vehicles. Would I be able to export an Alligator to the UK for use on my farm?
----------
I was about to claim that the vehicle in question was a ‘tactical trebuchet’ as deployed by the US Marines, when they stopped talking to me... I cannot think why.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Everglades Alligator Farm
Bit of a weird question
here if I am honest but I figured if anyone would know the answer to this it’d be you! For a start I am probably just going to have to stick a quick disclaimer in here: I have no intentions, now or ever, of firing alligators out of a catapult. See... said it would be weird didn’t I?
We’re currently developing a game in which the player has a trebuchet and a large stockpile of alligators. The aim is to launch them at homeless people (our client is a homeless charity and, bizarrely, thinks this will be a good way to raise the issue with the younger generation).
So my question is: just how hardy are alligators and what sort of fall or impact do you think they are capable of simply shrugging off? Whilst the game doesn’t need to be especially realistic a little bit of information on this rather peculiar subject would help greatly.
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
Everglades Alligator Farm
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Trevor,
I am not entirely sure. Gators are pretty durable provided they are fresh/still alive. I imagine from purely a guess, an alligator could easily survive a 15-20 ft fall. Most of the gator is pretty hard bone, scoots and leathery skin. Impact would probably be far more disastrous than a cow, but probably less than your standard hippo.
Not that I imagine homeless people would stand much of a chance if the alligators were over 7 or 8 ft. Some of our guys in the 12 ft + range probably weigh over 500 lbs out here. Thanks for the laugh though.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Everglades Alligator Farm
Hmm... well given that the homeless people explode with a rainbow of stars and then turn into tie and suit wearing businessmen when hit by the alligators... I think we can give the game a bit of leniency in regards to accuracy. Thanks for the information though. I also have one of my designers working on a Low Velocity Alligator Slingshot which is designed to land the alligator just in the front of the homeless man. Rather than biting him in the face however it will then offer him a cup of tea and a job.
Strange that you should mention cows. Our last game had the player dropping cows out of a C-47 Skytrain onto tax evaders in order to raise awareness about this issue. We are looking for a few more ideas about this game though, so far it is merely alligator trebuchets and slingshots so anything else we could do that might be worth a few laughs would be good. For a homeless charity our employer sure has an odd obsession with siege warfare...
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
----------
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Exotic Pet Shop]
Hello. I was wondering what the legislation is regarding owning an alligator in the UK.
I AM NOT GOING TO FIRE IT AT SOMEONE USING A TREBUCHET.
Could you please advise me on the laws regarding such exotic animals? Thanks.
----------
Regrettably the particular website I found had a ludicrously stupid contact form which just linked me round and round in a big cyclical loop (is there any other kind?) all the time insisting I phone them. So I just posted it on their facebook page instead... which went well...
For some reason it looked a tad conspicuous amongst all the posts from people following up on animal orders. I have been unable to put my finger on why...
‘hi i orderd a baby ball python last week has it been sent out or when can i expect delivery’
‘Are you sending out any livestock this week?’
‘Hello. I was wondering what the legislation is regarding owning an alligator in the UK.
I AM NOT GOING TO FIRE IT AT SOMEONE USING A TREBUCHET.
Could you please advise me on the laws regarding such exotic animals? Thanks.’
Yeah... no idea why. Nonetheless they responded:
[Exotic Pet Shop]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Hi, the laws are already in place for such animals they are covered under the dangerous wild animal act (DWA). You have to go through council inspections and pay licencing fees which are often expensive. Basically there not for everybody!
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Exotic Pet Shop]
Thanks for the information. I am surprised to learn that they are allowed at all. I was considering keeping one or two in a shed in case of emergencies. Do you think this would be a suitable habitat for them? I believe I have taken the necessary safety precautions in removing all the nails from the shed and gluing everything up nice and tight with PVA. I have acquired a number of electric kettles I intend to use to keep the shed nice and warm... do you think this will be suitable.
Out of interest do you know what the legislation is in regards to using alligators in conjunction with medieval siege weaponry? Not that I intend to or anything...
[Exotic Pet Shop]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
I think maybe an alligator wouldn’t be your best choice ;)
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Exotic Pet Shop]
I understand your perturbation but I honestly cannot see any other creature which is going to be suitable for my situation. You see I live in an area which is just filled with cats. Every single neighbour has at least a dozen of the squawking little buggers it seems.
So I figured surely the best means of keeping them out of my garden was to fill my shed with alligators. What else could you recommend? Maybe an ill-tempered terrapin or a boa constrictor could do the job? What kind of guard reptiles do you stock? Do you stock any kind of wasp which specifically targets felines maybe?
[Exotic Pet Shop]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Sorry we don’t stock such mythical beasts, but good luck in your crusade against your feline terror!
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Exotic Pet Shop]
Clearly your definition of ‘exotic’ differs greatly from mine. Thanks anyway.
----------
Trevor Mcinsley
to: ...
At what point during compiling a list of alligator associated emails do you have to stop and question precisely what you are doing? I said I got quite obsessed with the subject didn’t I... there’s still another ten or so pages to go yet.
Don’t worry, there is other stuff in the book later. Although now that I think about it... quite a lot of that is about the reproductive systems of big cats. Also there’s an entire section which is just about sausages. Yeah I wouldn’t blame you if you just gave up now either...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Trebuchet Store]
Are any of your model trebuchets capable of launching a... well I won’t say what the projectile is specifically... but it’s approximately 13ft long and around 700lbs in weight.
Thanks.
Oh and also do you sell alligators?
[Trebuchet Store]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Yes.
And Yes.
----------
What more can you say to that really? Frankly I was just surprised to find that typing ‘trebuchet store’ into google turned up real results rather than ‘Did you mean: psychiatric referral’.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Alligator Store]
According to your website you release twelve out of every hundred alligators you breed into the Louisiana marsh. I understand that handling them is dangerous and taking them a safe distance away from your ‘alligator ranch’ by boat is liable to be quite difficult. Have you considered a trebuchet?
----------
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Alligator Hunters]
I am very interested in your alligator hunting packages in Louisiana but I am a little unclear in regards to the methods you use to hunt them. Some places use baited lines and then beat the things around the head with a cricket bat (or similar) to kill them whereas others use shotguns. Which do you use and do you allow patrons to bring their own arms with them? I was hoping to use my trebuchet. Would this be allowed?
[Alligator Hunters]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
I’m not completely familiar wit
h what that is but we typically use a .22 caliper rifle. If you want to use a tree to beat him into submission that’s cool, but I might cut the booger afterward.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Alligator Hunters]
A trebuchet is a medieval siege weapon. Typically they are around 50ft tall and use a counterweight or a taut rope to fling projectiles at men, castles, etc. Naturally more suited to being used to fire alligators than be fired against them. However I have a smaller, gas powered one that I had custom built for hunting game. I once managed to hit a squirrel from 200 paces with a house brick!
I have never tried it against alligators before but I see no reason why it should not work.
----------
Where else but in the southern states of America could you arrange to meet a man over the internet and then go beat an alligator against a tree with him?
[Alligator Hunters]
to: Trevor Mcinsley
I’m sorry Trevor. I just can’t see how that would work. I’d be glad to accommodate a hunt using a gun or bow.