Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet
Page 7
Have you ever considered mixing the pork,beef,lamb,venison,baby,chicken and wild boar together into one almighty sausage? Make one three foot long with all those meats. I’ll buy that.
Also do any of your sausages contain cheese? I am also looking for a sausage which contains cheese. Do yours?
The Salisbury Sausage Shop
to: Trevor Mcinsley
I could have a word with the boss about the almighty sausage!The only cheese one we have is Stilton !!
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The Salisbury Sausage Shop
Firstly, and I apologise in advance, I just have to say your approach to spacing is just... bizarre. A good rule of thumb is comma-space-letter, letter-no space-exclamation mark... but then I know nothing about making sausages besides the fact that it starts with a shotgun and a pig so I can hardly comment.
Secondly, is the sausage solely stilton or is it some sort of salami style, sausage and stilton Shackleton? I surmise that since there is such a sundry of sausage styles in shops these days (since sanctioned Sausage Sundays came into place at least) that there simply must be a sausage on the sausage market named the Shackleton Sausage, specifically. Does your sausage shop serve Shackleton Sausages and are they sweet, savoury or simply sausagetastic?
Salutations.
The Salisbury Sausage Shop
to: Trevor Mcinsley
OMG you get up so early!!I do the typing on my iPad,and it does the weird spacing thing,not me!!!!Im sorry to say we do not have weird and wonderful names for our sausages,we say what they are,and that’s what you get!!!!
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The Salisbury Sausage Shop
No I just go to bed late. It’s kind of a glass half empty/half full situation... only where the glass is filled to the brim with coffee.
Sorry, I was unaware of such an issue on the ipad but I cannot say it surprises me. Apple really do have some weird ideas regarding user friendliness. My phone is quite insistent that white should be capitalised because it could, just could, be a name... strangely the same also goes for tongue. As you can imagine this made texting my doctor about the white spots at the back of my throat symptomatic of tonsillitis quite tedious. Then again it does always capitalise ‘walls’ too, which must be useful for those in the sausage business.
Since my weekly complaint email to Apple is well overdue I shall endeavour to explain to them that their product is flawed and having a detrimental effect on the sales of sausages in the UK. In return I shall expect a sausage with baby meat in it.
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Jeffrey Mongot
to: Apple
I have recently learnt that sausage makers are having a difficult time typing on the iPad. Specifically it seems to be stubbornly refusing to put spaces in after commas. Is this an issue you are aware of or do you just not like sausage sellers very much?
Apple
to: Jeffrey Mongot
Hello,
[Quango] here from the iTunes Store. I have just finished reading your email, and I understand that you are having a difficult time typing on your iPad. I can appreciate your desire to be able to type with precision and speed without any hassle and I am more than happy to help you out with this today...
Jeffrey Mongot
to: Apple
Sorry it appears you didn’t exactly answer my question. Does Apple bear any hostility towards sausage salesmen?
Apple
to: Jeffrey Mongot
Hello,
[Quango] here again from the iTunes Store. I would just like to apologize for the time and inconvenience that this has caused you.
Apple does not bear any hostility towards anyone, including sausage salesman.
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: the cheese shed
Firstly... I think your website is fantastic. Just the buttons alone leave me laughing...
home - cheese - not cheese - cheese gifts - wedding cakes - wall of cheese
I wish all sites adopted something as simple as ‘cheese’ and ‘not cheese’ rather than the convoluted labyrinth of navigation menus most websites end up with. I shall be suggesting this to Apple later.
Anyway... we are having a sausage party (not gay sex) where everyone brings some kind of unique and interesting sausage. Last year I was able to import some kangaroo and eucalyptus sausages from a nice German man living in Australia (the Germans will literally turn anything into sausages it seems). Unfortunately I later learnt that he has been incarcerated on cannibalism charges so I sense this is no longer an option. This year I was wondering if there are any cheese sausages out there. I’m not talking pork and provolone, beef and stilton or any of these faddy sausages which are popular with the youth of Britain these days... frankly it seems that every time I walk past a bus stop late at night it is just full of kids trading sausages with each other (not gay sex).
So yes... do you have any sausages which are filled solely with cheese? I have a sausage machine here and 16kg of halloumi but I would like to find something a bit more... unusual.
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: [Sausage Dog Shop]
Hello. I come to you, solemnly, from my caravan. I used to have three sausage dogs (Sausage, Sir Sedgwick Sausage and Jonathon Ross). Unfortunately Sausage died last night and I woke up this morning to find that Sir Sedgwick Sausage and Jonathon Ross had devoured him in the night.
So I am wondering... are there any detrimental health effects that my sausage dogs are likely to suffer from eating poor old Sausage? Is dog cannibalism normal (like with spiders)? Why exactly did they eat Sausage... is it possible that they mistook him for a giant sausage? How can I prevent my sausage dogs eating one another in the future?
I do feed my dogs primarily on sausages so I daresay they themselves taste rather a lot like bratwurst by now. Do you think this could be the cause of the incident?
Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley.
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: Haribo
Hello. Just a quick question here.
Why do you not make any sweets shaped like sausages? Is it because you are concerned they would end up looking like penises?
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As their contact form clearly states:
‘You are the central focus of our efforts. Thus, we take every question, suggestion or criticism seriously and, of course, we look forward to hearing your positive feedback.’
Somehow I don’t think the designers had sausage-penis references in mind when they built this form...
Partario Haberdashery
to: Vladimir Putin (yes, genuinely)
Good morning Mr President. I read a news article the other day about unruly behaviour in Russian prisons... I say a news article, I watched Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol but I assume the research was valid.
Anyway I am a sausage scientist and I have recently been conducting some research into the effects of sausages vis-à-vis the propensity to insight riot in violent criminals. Amazingly it seems there is a positive correlation between the number of sausages eaten per day and the number of riots per year. Ultimately my research boils down to this: the more sausages a man eats the less likely he is to hit a guard around the head with an aluminium lunch tray.
It seems that a love of sausages is inbuilt in all people (except vegans) and a dearth of sausages in the diet can lead to aggressive and even riotous behaviour. This is probably why Israel keeps picking fights with everyone.
Did you know that prior to 1945 the number of sausages imbibed daily by the German people was only around ten million? Since then this figure has tripled and they haven’t started any wars recently have they? Thus my evidence is conclusive.
What medals do you offer for extreme cleverness in the scientific/culinary community?
Thanks, Partario Haberdashery (not a Russian).
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Yes I may have accidently suggested that the Germans had taken to drinking their sausages now. This is what happens when you hit the send button without reading back whatever the hell it was you just wrote. Sod it... he’s a Russian... he won’t notice.
Partario Haberdashery
to: The Federal Government of Germany
Guten tag. I recently wrote an... article about German sausage habits and I fear I may have used the incorrect figures. I have always been a fan of German cuisine and find the fact that it is not exactly held in high esteem by the rest of Europe to be a little bizarre. What’s wrong with sausages and potatoes?
Anyway I was wondering if you happened to have the figures for the number of sausages eaten per day in Germany?
I’d say ‘thank you’ in German too but I understand there is no word for ‘thank you’ in your language... although now that I think about it I might be confusing you with the Dothraki. My bad.
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Partario Haberdashery
to: The Government of Israel
This might be a bit of an unusual question but bear with me...
We are planning a family trip to Israel soon however we seem to have run into a problem. My six year old son is going through a bit of an odd phase at the moment and the only thing he will eat is sausages... and turkey dinosaurs actually.
Since I understand your population is largely Jewish am I to assume that you do not sell sausages anywhere in the country? What is the Israeli government’s stance on turkey dinosaurs?
Thanks, Partario Haberdashery.
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Partario Haberdashery
to: His Excellency Dr Mahmoud Ahmadinezhad
Hello there gov’nor. Partario Haberdashery here coming to you from the Islamic Republic of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Recently we were hoping to go on holiday to your neighbour, Israel, however I understand they do not sell sausages in their country. Jews eh!?
What are your policies regarding sausages? If we come to Iran will you be serving turkey dinosaurs or will we have to bring them with us from home?
My six year old son has always wanted to fire an AK-47 at a cow. Will this be possible?
Thanks, Partario Haberdashery.
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At this point I figured I should probably stop contacting major world leaders lest I inadvertently incite World War Three. I mean it would be great publicity for the book and everything... but there might not be anyone left to read it.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: The ‘Dachshund Lovers of Texas’
I have six sausage dogs. Sausage, the oldest and most sausage-like of all my sausage dogs has recently eaten a truly ludicrous number of sausages, sausages wrapped in bacon actually. ‘Pigs in blankets’ as they are sometimes known... frankly I am sure that these sausages in bacon were simply concocted solely to infuriate the Jewish people (who hate sausages and sausage based snacks). Also... is it just me or do they resemble uncircumcised penises? It’s probably just me right? I digress, as I said, Sausage, my sausage dog and the leader of my sausage dog pack... has recently eaten a lot of sausages. Too many sausages. His sausagey little sausage mouth has been spewing up half chewed sausages at a truly worrying rate for such a small sausage dog.
The house is now full of sausage dog sausage sick and Sausage is feeling very peaky indeed. Nothing like his usual sausagey self. So the crux of the matter: how many sausages can a sausage dog eat before he gets sausage sick and starts spewing up sausages? What is the recommended daily allowance of sausage dogs for a sausage to eat... I mean... sausages for a sausage dog (named Sausage) to eat?
How much research has really been done into the effects of sausages on sausage dogs? I know that sausage dogs need to eat quite a lot of sausages per day or they stop being sausage dogs and just turn back into regular dogs. ‘Desausagification’ as I believe it is known. So I assume that they require sixty seven sausages or so per day (at least) just to stay healthy and sausage-like but how many sausages is too many sausages? Sausage, king of the sausage dogs, somehow managed to get into my sausage storage last Sausage Sunday (a Sausage Sunday is like a regular Sunday but only occurs in the third week of every month in which sausages are eaten)... yes, so he ate, at a best guess, at least three thousand and eighty five uncooked sausages. Is this too many sausages for a sausage dog to eat in one sausage sitting?
Surprisingly after sucking down sausage after sausage for easily six hours straight (I was tied up after a home invasion and unable to stop him) Sausage then went and devoured all of the other sausage dogs’ sausages from their sausage bowls. I should probably clarify that. Besides feeding the sausage dogs their daily sausage allowance of sixty seven sausages, I have bowls with each sausage dog’s name on it (Sausage, Bratwurst, Liverwurst, Cumberland, Lancashire, Sir Sedgwick Sausage)... which I fill with sausages throughout the day in case the sausage dogs need a sausage pick me up at any point. I am very conscious of the fact that if they do not get enough sausages they will die and so I am determined to prevent this from happening (even if it means spending over seven thousand pounds a year on sausages).
Fortunately in this regard I am rather lucky as my friend Steven Seagal (no relation) just happens to own the UK’s biggest sausage import/export/sausage business and hence gives me quite a discount on bulk buy sausages. Last year I think I ordered something like one hundred and eighteen thousand sausages from Steven ‘Sausage’ Seagal’s Sausage Selling Shop. That’s a lot of sausages!
Speaking of Steven Seagal (the ninja not the sausage salesman) on his Wikipedia page it shows he has had four wives... one of which he was married to from 1975-86 and another from 1984-1987. How does that work?
Sorry. Sidetracked. What should I do about Sausage, my sausage dog which ate far too many sausages last Sausage Sunday and has since been sausage sick all over my sausage (not a euphemism for my penis... my house is shaped like a giant sausage). Should I force feed him sausages until he stops being sick? Should I withhold sausages from all the other sausage dogs until this sausage plague has passed? Please help me...
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: Vegetarian Mail (yeah I have no idea what the fuck it is either)
Sausage,
Sausage sausage sausage sausage? Sausage sausage... sausage sausage! Ha! Sausages everywhere as you can imagine! Sausage sausage sausage sausage sausage, sausage sausage sausage:
1. Sausage
2. Sausage
3. Sausage
...sausage, sausage? Sausages sausage sausage. Then the sausage sausage sausage: ‘If you think you’re eating my caviar you’re having a fucking laugh’, sausage sausage sausage. Sausages!? Sausage sausage sausage, sausages sausage. Sausage sausage Hillary Clinton sausage sausage sausage ‘typing tutelage’ sausage sausage.
Sausages?
Sincerely, Sausage Sausage.
Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: B&Q
My light bulb has just gone. Now I am sat in the dark.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
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Couldn’t resist... but disturbingly...
B&Q
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Good Afternoon,
Thank you for your email regarding your light bulb which is no longer working. I apologise for the delay in responding.
I am sorry to hear you have had cause to complain. As a gesture of goodwill, I have arranged for a £5 gift card to be sent out to you, to allow you to purchase a replacement bulb. Please allow 7-10 days to receive the gift card.
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I think I can safely say: B&Q give out gift cards way too easily. I hadn’t sent them any proof of purchase (primarily because I have never purchased a light bulb from B&Q) and the address I had given was:
Caravan 10, Salisbury Plain, Wiltshire, SP4 7DE.
That’s the postcode for Stonehenge... where there are no caravans.
That’ll be a confusing one for the postman. Sorry. I don’t know... maybe they get called to deliver vouchers from DIY superstores to Neolithic monuments all the time? I can’t help but picture a rather perturbed posty knocking on the door of a caravan parked outside the Stonehenge gift shop only to hand a Dutch tourist a light bulb.
Since I have no intentions of harassing the Dutch I thought I better set things straight...
Trevor Mcinsley
to: B&Q
Thanks, using the light from my phone to find my way around is having a really detrimental effect on the battery. Can you just confirm you have my address? I don’t recall entering it.
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I hoped that when they checked the address they would realise it was to a caravan sat on top of an English Heritage monument just off the A303 and would abandon their plans to try and deliver to it. I’m concerned that the people who run the information centre there already might not be especially fond of Mr Mcinsley after he accidently ordered a dozen free O2 sim cards to them one time. In my defence I only did it to earn fictional currency on a flash gaming website and I assumed there would be some kind of confirmation option before just autocorrecting the address and sending the bloody things out...