Sixteen Alligators and a Trebuchet
Page 9
And whilst we are on the subject of fake tan... just why do people feel the need to paint themselves orange? It’s such an unnatural colour that it’s not even simulating a tan... well maybe a sun parched carrot but certainly not a human. I am fully expecting the companies that produce the hideous product to come out with a green shade of ‘fake tan’ in a few years. I live in fear of the day I step out of the house and assume we have been invaded by lizard men... when in fact it will just be the younger generation.
So yes, I just want to thank you for broadcasting that freak show and giving me the inspiration to write this deranged rant. Of course I would have preferred not to have needed to... and to have actually eaten tonight without having my appetite spoiled by horrifying neon midgets.
You realise that by broadcasting this drivel you are leading the world by the hand towards its own demise I trust?
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: Information Commissioner’s Office
I do not know if it is you or someone else responsible for the new rulings on cookies so you may need to redirect the following to the appropriate party on my behalf.
PLEASE DIE.
Every other page I look at asks me if I want their poxy cookies and invariably clicking no just redirects me away which means the only answer is yes... which means it is not a choice which means it is pointless. In essence: all it means is that I have to click more crap I do not care about prior to viewing the page. IN WHAT WAY IS THIS BETTER?
The site I am looking at right now has the cookies notification in the header of the site which means it is the very first thing to appear in the description on google... so much for all that search engine optimisation they carried out. The statement itself says ‘If you continue to use this website then we will assume you consent to the use of cookies’. Seriously... what the fuck is the point in that? It is just clutter.
Back when cookies were all the rage I never once had an issue with malware, personal information, so on and so forth... which stemmed from cookies. I never ran out of hard drive space only to find that Delia Smith had used her website’s cookies to build an incredibly elaborate portfolio of my culinary likes and dislikes... I am not alone in thinking that TV chiefs are trying to enslave the human race right? In other words: they never caused me any problems.
Now however it seems that every other major site I go to is asking my permission for the most menial things. In the case of the above example where they assume that I consent by not doing anything there isn’t even a ‘no I do not consent’ option. Honestly, what is the arsing point in that?
Before smoking inside public buildings became illegal you used to see no smoking signs everywhere, however what with it now being inherently implied they are rather a rarity today. Likewise every speed limit sign in England is not accompanied by a plaque that reads ‘By driving on this road you acknowledge that this is the speed limit, that you have a driving license and that you are indeed in a car’.
Can we just assume then that by visiting any site people give permission for them to put cookies on their computer? You know... the way it used to be.
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: The ‘No Cussing Club’
Logic says... when writing to an anti swearing campaign website that the simplest way of being vaguely amusing would be to swear excessively... this, I feel, would only serve to prove the point you are trying to make however. Also, besides from the letters of hate from Gordon Ramsay, I am fairly sure this already constitutes 90% of your inbox. Instead here follows a well reasoned, logical and, only slightly offensive, assessment of exactly why it is that you are wrong.
For starters I will say that at the moment I have a cold and feel quite beyond dreadful. In the past 24 hours I have been sneezing more often than an asthmatic in a shipping container full of ostrich feathers... no I don’t know quite how that situation would come about either. Some kind of ostrich feather smuggling ring? Sorry... I’ll start again. I am sneezing a lot and it seems I cannot even manage to sneeze without swearing these days. Literally every single time I mutter some obscenity... it’s getting to be quite ridiculous now. Hence this... the inspiration behind contacting you.
However my obsessive level of obscure obscenity utterance really came to a head upon actually reading what it was your campaign stood for. Now if I recall correctly when I saw your campaign on the TV a couple years back you claimed, in an interview, that instead of swearing you said ‘Fahrvergnügen’. I am not sure how you are spelling that, if you have simply made it up or whatever... but Wikipedia seems to think it is the German term for ‘driving pleasure’... which by all accounts seems a bizarre thing to shout in place of a swearword.
The point is though that it ultimately doesn’t matter what you are saying. Any word can be taken to be a ‘curse word’ (a term I loathe almost as much as your incessant use of the non-word ‘cussing’). Frankly most anything in German sounds like it is just a string of really elaborate swear words anyway... If I said to you ‘hat deine schwester trauben essen’ after you had, say, defecated on my flowerbed... you would naturally assume that I was swearing. In fact I was just asking if you sister eats grapes... a little out of context given the circumstances perhaps but there we go.
Ultimately what I am trying to get at is the fact that offense is in the eye of the beholder. Having a problem with a word full stop is fucking ridiculous when it is the context that causes offense. For example in that previous sentence was there any offense to be had? Was it directed at anyone in particular? Having an issue with that word alone is no more logical than getting incensed with rage over someone offering you tea and a biscuit... it only becomes offensive if you are on a diet/allergic to biscuits. What was I on about again?
Oh right... the real issue I take with your whole nonsensical campaign however can be summed up solely by this line: ‘Clean language is a sign of intelligence and always demands respect.’
You are therefore saying, in a rather passive aggressive way, that swearing denotes a lack of intelligence. This is the most offensive thing of all.
Swearing is just a part of the English language, indeed all languages, so to suddenly uproot it and declare it must go would be as detrimental to our vocabulary as waking up one day to find that the word ‘the’ no longer existed... and you only have to spend a week in the North of England to find out how that can affect everyday conversation.
There are situations in which only a swear word will do. In writing especially and in comedic writing even more especially so. For instance the coveted award for ‘The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word ‘Fuck’ in a Serious Screenplay’ from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. This is only funny because of the use of the word fuck. Without it the line is only vaguely surreal and the sole element of comedic value it retains is the length of the award title.
In the US version it was apparently changed to read ‘The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word ‘Belgium’ in a Serious Screenplay’. I only found this out online just now in making sure I got the original quote right... yet already I feel years’ worth of rage at the defacement of Douglas Adam’s work with this mindless censorship. It does not matter that in the story the word Belgium is the rudest word in the universe... to the reader it is not and so the joke is lost. It also breaks one of the unwritten rules of surreal humour that is the downfall of so many writers... it becomes too surreal.
Surreal comedy relies on things other than simply being mindlessly insane. Without some kind of logical backbone or sensible content to act as a literary straight man it is just a string of nonsense. As I shall now demonstrate:
“One more time if you wouldn’t mind sir,” the officer said slowly, tapping his pen against his notepad, “you were walking to the shops when...”
Jeff sighed, weary from explaining the story five times in as many minutes, “I was walking to the shops, as I do every morning, to get a bottle of milk and a newspaper. However when I got to the store th
ere was blood up the wall, the owner was nowhere to be found and there appeared to be some manner of massive almond shaped monster perusing the shelves. He seemed especially interested in the cornflakes.”
The humour here, assuming you find it at all, comes from placing something ridiculous in a normal situation. If I am honest I just wanted to use the phrase ‘massive almond shaped monster’... Whereas if you get too surreal...
“One more time if you wouldn’t mind sir,” the officer said slowly, adjusting the pigeon that was nesting on top of his big blue hat, “you were walking to the shops when...”
Jeff (Jangly Jeff to his friends) sighed, weary from explaining the story five times already and still hungover from last night’s vodka pogo-stick relay race.
“I was walking to the shops, because my pogo-stick was covered in vomit, to get a bottle of milk and a pamphlet on owl shampooing. However when I got to the store there was blood up the wall, the owner had transformed into a small potted plant (petunia I think) and there appeared to be some manner of massive almost shaped monster in a top hat and suspenders perusing the shelves. He seemed especially interested in the ‘Captain Cantilever’s Double Frosted Chocolate Spanner Flakes’ cereal.”
It simply gets too surreal and so it fails to be amusing. The key, as with all things, is moderation. Which, to crowbar my original point back into this wild tangent, is the same with swearing. As with surreal humour offense through swearword usage relies on moderation and context.
Excessive use of swear words pretty much defeats the point but to fail to use them entirely merely makes them more taboo and so increases their potency and ultimately they offense they cause. You only have to look at the older generation and the abhorrence they often have towards swear words to realise that in modern times they have become less offensive via mass exposure with TV, music and the internet. Therefore if your ultimate aim is to reduce the offense that people cause to one another through their language you should in fact be encouraging people to swear more often.
If someone goes without swearing their entire life and starts using obscure German words from 90s Volkswagen ads in their place... then how do you think they are going to react years later when they get called a ‘curly haired ponce with a flapping mouth resembling the anus of a gay college fraternity’s hand-me-down gimp’? Or more likely... when they simply get told to ‘fuck off’?
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Sorry... I write a lot. Let’s offset those massive rants with something a bit shorter and to the point.
299 Characters Remaining
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Pepsi Consumer Care
A friend in Africa told me that Pepsi Max in his country lists ‘leopard semen’ as one of the ingredients.
Is this correct or is it a mistranslation?
Pepsi Consumer Care
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Dear Trevor,
Thank you for your enquiry. We can confirm that Pepsi max does not contain leopard semen.
Kind regards,
Pepsi
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: Coca Cola
Hello. I recently discovered that Pepsi Max, in Africa at least, contains leopard semen. They all but confirmed this when I enquired about it in fact.
Have you considered running an ad which simply says ‘Coca Cola is not made from the reproductive fluid of a predatory cat. Can you say the same about Pepsi?’
Coca Cola
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Dear Trevor,
Thanks for contacting us.
We are always pleased to hear from our consumers, and appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback with us. However we would not be in a position to comment on the business operation of our competitors.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Coca Cola
So you are confirming that the primary ingredient of Coca-Cola is leopard semen? Good to know.
Coca Cola
to: Trevor Mcinsley
Dear Trevor,
Thanks for contacting us with your concerns.
The quality procedures of The Coca-Cola Company are designed to ensure that we add to our products exactly those ingredients that are specified on the ingredient lists, and nothing else. By the nature of our products and ingredients, there is no connection with the mammalian processing supply chain. For this reason it is not possible for there to be any mammalian DNA in our products. Furthermore, we do not use mammalian gelatin in our products.
However it is important to note that some products contain minute traces of fish gelatine, which is used as a stabiliser for the beta-carotene colour. These products are:
‘Lilt’ pineapple & grapefruit
‘Lilt’ Zero pineapple & grapefruit
‘Kia-Ora’ Orange Squash and NAS
‘Schweppes’ Orange Squash
‘Five Alive’ Apple
All our products are fully labelled in full compliance with U.K. food labelling requirements.
I hope this has allayed your concerns.
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Is it just me... or is using ‘mammalian DNA’ to refer to ‘leopard semen’ really distasteful and unpleasant? More distasteful and unpleasant than the substance itself (I imagine).
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Coca Cola
Fish gelatine? Eugh... that is really disgusting. I knew there was a reason that I never really got on with Lilt. Personally I think ‘fully labelling’ them would be changing the label to read: ‘Lilt: Fish and Fruit Flavour’.
You say that there is no chance for mammalian DNA to enter your product chain but I think you are being alarmingly uncreative in your reasoning. Picture this scenario for instance: a leopard breaks into your fish factory and ‘goes to town’. He’s having a great time, eating fish, mauling people, drinking Lilt... so on and so forth. However then he spots what he thinks is a female leopard and gets too excited. Suddenly there is leopard semen all over your fish gelatine.
What preventative measures do you take against sexually aroused leopards?
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Trevor Mcinsley
to: Virgin Cola
Do you even still exist anymore? I was looking for a nice refreshing black liquid to quench my thirst and since I discovered that both Coca Cola and Pepsi Cola use leopard semen in the manufacturing process it seems I am ‘shit out of luck’, as the kids say. Thanks.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Guinness
Hello Guinness. I recently tried your product, Guinness, and was surprised at just how smooth and refreshing it is. I understand that a lot of drinks companies use leopard semen as a filtering agent. Is this how you get Guinness to be so smooth?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Fullers
Hello. Recently I have found that I am craving a disturbing amount of ale. I even had a takeaway pint from the pub the other night. I am always torn between London Pride and Guinness however and I suppose it really boils down to which product does not contain leopard semen. I am still waiting to hear back from Guinness, about Guinness, on this matter. Does your ale contain any kid of cat semen?
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Pastor Benny Hinn
Hello Ben. I have just sent five consecutive emails about leopard semen to major drinks companies. Clearly you, with your magical Jesus powers, are the only one who can help me. Please help me to overcome my desire to send emails about leopard semen to people.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Pepsi Consumer Care
Hello again. Thank you for clearing up that issue. I am afraid it appears that Benny Hinn, the American faith healer and general all round con artist disagrees with you however. He seems nigh on insistent that Pepsi Max contains leopard semen. Just thought I should bring this to your attention.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Pastor Benny Hinn
Hello Ben. Me again. I just saw the latest Pepsi Max advert in which they have a lookalike of yours performing his parlour tricks
on stage to a bewildered audience... before getting attacked by a sexually aroused leopard. I was just wondering: why did you give consent for your image to be used in this way?
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When you realise that it is 2am and you are sat at the computer trying to manufacture some kind of bizarre lawsuit between Pepsi... and a faith healer you really have to question what you are doing.
Trevor Mcinsley
to: Food Standards Agency