by Tina Moore
I knew I couldn't just get on a plane and head back. I knew that because I had no visa just to go back on and I really didn't want to go back just to have to leave again so soon. I into the student visa again and applied. I choose an arts degree, majoring in photography, I figured I might as well do something I actually loved and who knows, maybe I would learn something new. The degree was four years, and I knew that I would have to return to this gray mess after I graduated, but I also figured that Kira and I would have a solid understanding of where we wanted to take our relationship by then. I paid for the visa and was happy. I fulfilled all the medical and financial requirements. Now all I had to do was wait to hear if I got it or not.
Kira and I talked daily and fell into a routine really quickly with me messaging in my morning, and her messaging in her morning. That meant that I would message her when I woke up, and by the evening my time, I would get a response. I liked that nothing seemed to change with us. I had been worried that the distance would slowly start to break our relationship down. I had finally heard back about my visa status and was over the moon that I had been granted it and was set to start the degree in a months time. I booked my flight back to her, happy this time I was only booking a one-way ticket. I had decided not to tell her; I thought it would be better to surprise her by just showing up. I handed in my two weeks' notice to leave my job and was happy to be finally rid of this gray city. It had been three months since I had last held Kira, and as I boarded my plane back to her, I could hardly keep a straight face.
It felt like coming home as I left the airport, the warm air hitting my face instantly. I had decided to take a taxi to the hostel; I didn't want Kira to see me until I casually strolled into the common room or something and clapped my hands excitedly as we pulled into Waker's Beach hostel. I had booked a room under a different name so that she wouldn't know it was me and grabbed my bags out of the boot of the taxi, inhaling deeply as my lungs filled with the sea breeze. I had sold all of my furniture before coming back, knowing that I wouldn't need it and looked at all my worldly possessions which had been carefully packed into my three suitcases.
"No fucking way!" I heard, turning around to see Danni. She hugged me before I even had a chance to lift my arms and laughed, feeling more at home here than I had when I went back to my real home.
"Oh my god, Sasha! What are you doing here?!" She said squealing.
"I actually am studying here now. I'll be here for the next four years!" I replied happily, frowning when I realized that Danni was in fact, still here.
"Um, what about you? Why or how are you still here?!" I asked. She just rolled her eyes.
"I got a shit house job, but they are sponsoring me so meh, I just wanted to stay really," Danni replied, making me laugh. She looked down at my bags before looking up at me.
"Does Kira know you've come back?" She asked cautiously, making me nervous.
"No, I thought that I'd make it a surprise," I said. Danni bit her lip, and I felt my stomach lurch instantly. Was she with someone else? Had she moved? Had something awful happened to her? I thought as I watched Danni.
"I think she'll be really happy to see you. But she's not the same girl you left behind," Danni said hesitantly. I just looked at her, waiting for an explanation but when one wasn't given, I looked at the ground nervously.
"Should I have not come back? Danni will you just tell me if she's with someone else?!" I said angrily, feeling my voice become shaky.
"What?! No nothing like that she's completely obsessed with you! She's been in an accident though. She's at the hospital," Danni said, relieving my fears.
"Take me there," I said hoping Danni still had her car. She agreed, and I put my bags in my old room, happy to see Kira still had my photos on the wall and drove with Danni to the hospital.
"What kind of accident?" I asked nervously. I really hadn't wanted to ask, but I figured I needed to know what I was walking into. Kira hadn't posted anything online in a few days, but I hadn't thought that was strange, she had gone days without posting before.
"We went to the jetty to jump off the edge like we've done hundreds of time before. But this time, when she jumped, she jumped right in the way of a shark. It bit her and um," Danni said, stopping and looking at me making me hold my breath. Her face was white; she had clearly seen the whole thing.
"There was a lot of blood, Sasha. And her screams, I'll never stop hearing them. By the time we got her to hospital," Danni said. I could tell she was reliving it.
"Do not fucking tell me she is dead. Do not!" I said as tears began to stream down my face. Danni just shook her head.
"She lost her arm, she lost so much blood she is in a coma, they don't know if she'll wake up," Danni said as we arrived at the hospital. I jumped out of the car and ran inside, asking where her room was, but I didn't have to. There were flowers and balloons around the fourth room I went past and looked through the window, my whole world stopping.
I don't know how long I stayed standing there for, but when I felt Danni's hand on my shoulder, I snapped out my daze.
"What?" I said, looking at Danni angrily.
"You can go in," Danni said. I was happy that she understood that I wasn't angry at her. I walked in slowly, Kira had a tube going down her throat, and the monitor was beeping every couple of seconds. I looked at her body and tried to take it all in. I couldn't seem to register that she had lost her arm, but there she was, laying in the bed, hooked up to a monitor, missing her arm. The shark had gotten the arm Kira had complained about, saying that there was a birthmark on it that she hadn't liked. I didn't think she'd hated it so much that she'd want a shark to bite it off. I sat down by the bed and looked at her. Reaching out slowly, I brushed her hair out of the way as she suddenly popped her eyes open, breathing in deeply like she had been holding her breath for years. Startling me I jumped and screamed, making Kira turn to me and try to scream. Her voice was hoarse, so it was more of a wheeze, and we looked at each other for the longest time before she relaxed again.
"Am I dead princess," Kira said. She sounded like she hadn't had a drink of water for weeks and I looked around but couldn't find a glass.
"Shh, don't try and talk Mama, you're not dead. I'm here now," I said, pressing the buzzer for the nurse. Nurses rushed in, and they asked me to leave before they hurriedly closed the curtains and shut the door behind me.
Chapter 11
The next time I saw Kira was two weeks later because I was not immediate family. But I stayed at the hospital for those two weeks, always sitting outside, looking at her through the window when was awake. She had been able to stay awake for long periods at a time, gradually having built that up and the doctor told me that she should make a full recovery but that he couldn't go into any more detail. I had to start my uni degree in a weeks time, and I was relieved that Kira was allowed to go back home with me at the start of her third week in the hospital.
"It's OK if you don't feel like talking, we don't have to talk," I said, driving her home. I had bought a car since I was going to be staying here a while. She just smiled and put her hand on my thigh.
"I hope you don't mind that I'm here. I'll understand if you want to be alone. And we don't have to worry about our dynamic if it's all just too much," I added, not wanting her to think she had to be something she wasn't ready to be. Kira looked at me with the same amused expression she always had when I began to ramble, and I liked that she hadn't changed that much.
"Princess, everything stays the same. I'm over the moon you are here I actually don't think I could do this without you, but you might have to help me while I get used to this," Kira said moving her shoulder. She frowned. The shark had taken her arm up until her mid-upper arm, and I could tell that she could still feel it as though it was there. The doctors had called it 'Phantom feeling,' where she would feel like it was still there even though it wasn't.
"Also, you'll have to get used to me fucking you with this hand," Kira said, laughing. I loved that she could s
till find humor in this. The shark had taken her writing hand, and I knew she'd be pretty clumsy until she learned how to use her other hand.
"I'm a really good helper Mama," I said, and I liked that she stroked my hair like she always used to.
"What a bloody awful time for you to come and see me. Did I hear right, you're like staying for school?" Kira asked as we pulled into the hostel. I nodded proudly. I was happy she wanted me here and hadn't pushed me away.
"Clever princess, I expect perfect grades from you baby," Kira said as we got out of the car and were surrounded by happy backpackers.
The months that followed felt like a blur. I had gone to uni and was doing really well. It helped that I knew what I was doing, but Kira had made me a gold star chart and would frequently tell everyone how clever she thought I was. I had moved in with her in her room, and she had moved the other bunks out so that we had a queen size bed, a beach rug, and cupboard in the room. It actually looked like a real bedroom, and not a room in the middle of the backpacker hostel. She had been going to therapy and rehab to get used to not having an arm and had made a lot of progress. So much so in fact that she had started saying that it was a waste of time going.
"I just don't think I need to go anymore like going won't bring my arm back, and in fact, I kinda like my new look. I think I rock this," Kira said, making me toast for breakfast. She had gotten mad when I hadn't let her do all her usual Mama things for me. She had even slammed some people down when they had criticized me for not doing things like making food and carrying things, thinking that I wasn't fair to her. I like that she had defended me. I was already trying to work through letting her do her usual stuff for me. I didn't need them making it any harder.
"I think you should go for like a year, just to give it a really good amount of time before you step away. And maybe don't even step away from all at once, maybe just go less until you don't go at all," I suggested worriedly that going cold turkey on the support front might not be the wisest decision. Kira came out of the kitchen, pushed some empty beer bottles away, and place my eggs and toast in front of me.
"But they are all so whiney! You should hear them," Kira said, stabbing her eggs. I smirked, I hadn't realized she was so independent until the accident.
"Maybe go until the nightmares stop," I said quietly. Kira rolled her eyes.
"That happened for like a week princess," Kira said more sternly that I would have liked signaling that the conversation was over.
"What are you going to do today?" She said, starting a new topic of discussion. I looked at my watch and was happy it was so early.
"I don't have class until this afternoon, I was hoping that I could come with you guys to fly kites on the beach," I said more asking than telling. Kira nodded.
"Yeah, but I want you to do at least 2 hours study today, you've got that exam that I know you aren't prepared for princess," Kira said. I was happy that it had only been the two of us in the outdoor space of the common area this morning. It made me feel like the backpackers weren't really backpackers, but just our home and we were just outside. I nodded, finishing my eggs and watching as Kira lay down on the wooden bench we had been sitting at.
"You know, I think tomorrow we should go into town and pick you up a few things princess," Kira said closing her eyes, oblivious to Danni who had come to sit next to me.
"Oh, what kind of things Kira?!" Danni said, making Kira laugh and sit up.
"Wouldn't you like to know!" She replied. All I did was blush and make Danni laugh at me.
"Well when we all hear sex moans coming from your room, we'll know you have gone shopping," Danni said as she dealt out a hand of cards, starting the day.
"Where's Kira?" I asked, coming home from class and not having found her in our room. We had all gone kite flying, which had turned into, who could fly a kite blindfolded the longest, who could do it while drinking the longest and who could fly the most kites in one go. I liked that the backpackers always kept life exciting. The class had been eas, and I liked that I knew all the answers. Coming home, I noticed that it had started getting dark earlier and quickly walked past the pub, happy to be almost home.
"I don't know actually, haven't seen her for a few hours, maybe she's gone to get food or something?" Danni suggested. Leaving the common room, I went to our room and had a shower. I hadn't realized that I was so tired, but the minute I lay down on our bed, I was fast asleep.
Waking up, the room was dark, and so was outside. I stretched and looked at the time. It was 1:30 in the morning and I was surprised I had slept through the party I could hear going on on the beach. Pulling on some clothes, remembering my jacket, I walked to the beach, thinking that Kira would be there. She loved bonfires and had not missed one since I had known her. I made my way down the beach to the group who were partying and looked for Kira. I walked through the crowd, not catching their excited energy because I felt something else. Something was wrong. I walked to the water's edge, wondering if getting some perspective on the party would make Kira visible. I saw people dancing and drinking, some people sneaking off into the bushes, and people just being generally happy to be alive. I turned back around and looked out into the blue and black waves, jumping when I felt her behind me.
"Hey," Kira said, smiling at me. She had wrapped her cardigan around her, and she had looked like she had been crying.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I said, worried that something had happened. Kira just shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't know, wanna walk? I'm not really in the mood to party," Kira said, moving to my other side and taking my hand in hers. I just nodded as she led me away from the warmth of the fire and the loudness of the party. We walked in silence, just feeling the cold night sand under our feet and tasting the salt on our lips. Kira walked slowly, in an easy rhythm, and I hoped that she was OK.
"I want to show you," she said quietly as she led me to the jetty. I stopped and pulled on her arm.
"You don't have too if you don't want to Mama," I said, making Kira turn around and smile lovingly at me. She brushed my hair away from my face and kissed me.
"I love that you didn't want to stop being Mama's princess Sasha," Kira said, making me proud to have her love.
"But I want to show you; I need to show you. I think I need to show myself, but I want you here, please, princess?" Kira said. It felt strange to have her asking me for permission. I nodded and continued to walk with her to the edge of the jetty.
"This is where it happened," Kira said, looking down into the blackness. I wasn't really sure what I could say so I just held her hand and moved into her lap when she sat down and pulled me to her. She buried her face into my neck, and hair nuzzling me while she played with my tits.
"I hope you are OK with how much I've needed you lately princess, I just really don't think I could do this without you," Kira said running her fingers over my crossed thighs.
"I'm happy you've still wanted me, I was kinda worried you'd push me away or something," I said as Kira shook her head no.
"No, I could never push you away, you are too precious to me, princess," Kira said as I leaned back and melted into her.
"Tell me what happened Mama," I said softly. Kira patted me tenderly and exhaled like she was trying to rid the memory from her body.
"We were jumping off the end here. I'd gone a couple of times; we were all going to do one last jump. I jumped, but I didn't bother looking down this time. The next thing I know, there's blood everywhere, people are screaming. I didn't feel it at. First, the pain, I just looked around, wondering what had happened. Then I felt it come back; it hit me on my side and pushed me into the water. I held my breath and shut my eyes,” Kira said before becoming silent again. I didn't really know what to say, so we stayed sitting in silence, listening to the party going on down the beach watching the ocean glimmer like stars.
Chapter 12
"I've decided I'm going to get it tattooed," Kira said the minute I opened my eyes the next morning. She had obviously b
een watching me sleep because she was sitting up in bed, looking at me with wide eyes. I blinked a few times and adjusted my ears, getting used to her loud voice so early in the morning.
"What?" I asked, unsure of what she was talking about. Kira rolled her eyes and got up, running to the shelf on the other side of the room.
"Here, this is what I want," she said, handing me a drawing. One of the backpackers had drawn her a mock-up of what her tattoo could look like, and Kira beamed with excitement. It was an image of a big blue-gray shark, surrounded by water but jumping out to bite into the air. It looked cool I had to admit.
"When do you want to get it done?" I asked. Kira took the drawing from my hands and smiled down at it.
"Soon princess, right now, let Mama see if you've been a good girl," Kira said, feeling the front of my diaper. She frowned and cupped my face making me look at her when I tried to look down.
"You know I don't change you out of your diapy until you've wet it princess. Mama is going to make breakfast, and when I come back, you'd better have been a good girl for me," Kira said, jumping off the bed and walking out the door. I laid in bed for a minute, thinking of how I could get away with not wetting it but deciding that was a hopeless case, I began as Kira walked back into the room with buttery toast she had just made. She placed the plate down on the table we had set up for eating and came over to feel me.