by Ney Mitch
Every doubt, every self-reprimand, was an act of love in this case. Therefore, god forbid that I took that from her!
Chapter 3
Living on Faith
The next morning, I woke up, was refreshed, and was prepared to face the world.
Going downstairs, I was able to sit at the table for breakfast and my uncle and aunt looked at me, warily. I felt as if they viewed me as a spooked animal that they were afraid to accost. Therefore, softly, they decided to tread.
Yet I, out of a desire to not spend the day appearing as if I were a victim, allowed my cheery disposition to return to me. Sitting down, I allowed us all to be as we always were. Wickham was gone, and with any luck, I would never see him again. However, as with all things in life, I had the feeling that my wish would not be granted.
However, come what may, and be they chances or misadventures, I had one glimmer of hope on the horizon. If he would keep to his promise, Mr. Darcy would come today.
Therefore, making certain to have no fixed engagements, I sat in the parlor, seated in a window that overlooked the street. I knew that my appearance there would look desperate, but I was too flustered to behave in any other way.
And Mr. Darcy did not suffer me to remain in disappointment for long. Once the time of visiting hours began, no more than ten minutes of me sitting in the window did I see a carriage drive up and the familiar form of Mr. Darcy emerged from it.
Once stepping out, in front of my uncle’s home, I saw him look up and his eyes scanned the length of the windows. Very quickly, his eye fell on me. I leaned forward in the window and smiled down at him.
He tipped his hat to me and waved very insecurely, I might add. I gestured to him that I was coming down the steps and he nodded, walking up the steps to ring the doorbell.
The door was opened by the doorman, and Mr. Darcy entered just as I came down the steps.
“Good day,” Mr. Darcy began, allowing the doorman to take his coat, “I am come to see—”
He immediately stopped speaking when he saw me.
“Us,” I finished his sentence. “You have come to see us.”
“Well…” Mr. Darcy faltered, “yes, I have.”
“And we are glad that you have come so soon, Mr. Darcy. Truly, I was hoping to see you again.”
When I voiced this, he removed his hat and took a few steps toward me, quite forgetting that the doorman was there. I came down the last bit of steps and offered him my hand.
“Will you shake hands with me,” I asked, “for you are most welcome here.”
Truly, I wished to display all my powers of pacifism with him, for I wished him to know that I was truthfully overjoyed to see him.
“For I shall like to believe that we are friends,” I continued, "still, after all this.”
Mr. Darcy took my hand and closed his fingers around my palm.
“Still,” he repeated, “after all this.”
I looked past him, at the doorman.
“Jacob, inform my aunt and uncle that Mr. Darcy has come to see us again. They shall be happy to know he has paid us a visit.”
“Very good, Miss Elizabeth,” Jacob said, and then he left us alone.
“I was hoping to see you before we were joined by company,” I admitted, “there is so much that I have to tell you.”
“You have?”
“First, thank you again for coming to rescue me the other day. And—”
Sooner than I had wished, my aunt entered and greeted Mr. Darcy. She was smiling and filled with affability, and yet, I had desired that she had not come as soon as she had. For I worried that I would not get another chance to speak with him, alone. After all, now that he had entered my life, there was no chance of me secretly going to see him at his townhouse.
Mr. Darcy was escorted into our sitting room, where Jane also attended us, along with Aunt Gardiner and her children. She made apologies for our uncle not being there to greet Mr. Darcy, because our uncle was seeing to his business at his factory.
When mentioning our uncle’s trade, I wondered if this would make Mr. Darcy flinch. Yet, he received the mentioning of my uncle’s profession without any outward signs of disgust. This lack of negative reaction was a sign I took for a good omen, in hopes that it would lead to smoother waters between us from thenceforth. However, since he had protected me the other day, I doubt that anything frightened him now, and he feared no intimacy between us.
Our aunt asked him the traditional pleasantries that one should ask someone when they visit, and Mr. Darcy’s answers were as they always were: short and simple. His lack of refinement in the gentility of his voice worried me. I feared that the first impression that he would give my aunt was a short and unsociable disposition, so I thought it would be best if I helped him on.
“How does your sister do, Mr. Darcy?” I asked. “Though I have not ever met her, Miss Bingley’s constant praises of her still render me ever curious about her.”
“My sister is very well, thank you,” he responded.
“Aunt,” I said to her, “we heard a very good report that his sister plays the pianoforte infuriatingly well. Which, I suppose, made it even harder on him when he was forced into hearing me play and sing.”
“You refer to when I heard you play at Lucas Lodge?” Mr. Darcy asked. “When you played alongside Charlotte Lucas.”
“Precisely. How did you stand my attempt at talent?”
“I withstood it in the manner and mode in which anyone can withstand something that they find great enjoyment in. Mrs. Gardiner, your niece plays the pianoforte with such true feeling, and her voice was something that I always experienced unsuspecting pleasure in.”
“All this time,” I said simply, but my eyes were twinkling, “and you cannot abide me teasing you.”
“You were teasing me just now?”
“Yes. To bring life and spirit back between us.”
To my utter surprise, Mr. Darcy smiled.
“Life and spirit? Then tell me, Miss Elizabeth? Was it life and spirit and your teasing that was the inspiration behind you rejecting my offer of dancing with you at Lucas Lodge all those months ago?”
“That was revenge, sir. Which, I suppose, can be labeled as a more vicious sort of teasing.”
“Lizzy, the words that you speak!” My aunt gasped.
“Oh, but it is fine, aunt,” I allowed. “We never speak together, unless we can have a merry war between us. It is our way of making each other feel comfortable. Mr. Darcy would not desire it any other way. Unless I am wrong. Am I wrong, Mr. Darcy?”
“I cannot tell,” he admitted, “for our conversations always take turns in different directions than I foresee them, so I wonder if I am allowed to enjoy them or not. In truth, whenever I believed you were teasing me before, I turned out to be in error. I do not want to misunderstand you ever again.”
“But I say that I am innocently teasing you now. So, you may believe it.”
“Then I am allowed to enjoy this?”
“Yes.”
“Then I find this all very delightful.”
“And you are smiling.”
“Yes,” Jane voiced, surprised as well. “I do not believe that I have ever seen you smile before.”
“I was told that it is something I do rarely,” Mr. Darcy faltered. Somehow, he lost his sense of confidence and became bashful again. The smile faded from his face and was met with his lips returning to a straight line.
“And now the smile has faded again,” I observed. “What have we done to frighten it away?”
“Nothing so simple and nothing that was your fault,” he responded, “I just grew bashful all of a sudden. I must confess, that this conversation has taken a strange turn, and gone in such a foreign direction that I do not know where we are. I want to say something very clever or that would contribute to the conversation, but I am at a loss. I confess, that I do not like being at a loss.”
“Then we can return to safer topics,” our Aunt Gardiner reassured him
.
“Oh, thank you,” Mr. Darcy commented, “but no. While I am afraid of having nothing to say, I fear not rising to the challenge even more. Therefore, I want to rise to the occasion and contribute to this conversation very much. I am just at a loss.”
“But does a part of you like the way that you are lost, at least?” I asked.
His eyes twinkled again.
“Yes, and it is a very strange thing. I like how we are speaking, as if we are already in the middle of an acquaintance, rather than the awkwardness that comes from being at the beginning. In truth, Mrs. Gardiner, I must render my character limited in one manner; I have not that talent of conversing easily with people that I have never met before. Your niece, therefore, is trying to help me forget that about myself. Is that not so, Miss Elizabeth?”
“Very good,” I remarked. “The world is outside. Let us all be friends while within doors.”
“Then that is a great pity,” he said, “for, Mrs. Gardiner, I had rather hoped you would allow me the opportunity to take your kind nieces on a walk. I have never traversed in this part of London before, and I was rather hoping that they would show me the sights or the places of interest. If that is agreeable to you?”
Her smile was genuine. “Well, yes! If that is agreeable to my nieces, then I will allow it.”
“I am for it,” I confirmed.
“As am I,” Jane piped up.
Now that we were all assembled, Jane and I put on our coats, scarves, and bonnets while Mr. Darcy got on his coat. In the brief time that I had, I grabbed Jane’s arm and whispered in her ear.
“Jane, forgive me, but I must ask something of you.”
“Ask?”
“After three minutes of us walking, can you untangle yourself from our company and begin to walk a few steps behind? For I wish for a brief discussion between Darcy and me. I fear that he will not speak if anyone else is present. Jane, I promise, this will be for your own good.”
Jane gave me a quick look.
“Very well, Lizzy,” she allowed, “but I will not remain so far behind that you are ever alone.”
“Thank you.” I kissed her cheek and then Mr. Darcy joined us.
“Mr. Darcy,” Jane had said as we began our walk, “I know that this may not be of much interest to you, but our uncle’s factory is but a short walk down the road. Would you be willing to see it? He is so very proud of it.”
“I should like it very much,” Mr. Darcy said, and we led him down the road, to Uncle Gardiner’s factory.
“Our uncle deals in the textile trade,” I elaborated, “and it is a lovely sort of place. Well, it is lovely if you are the sort to value industry. I know that the world does look down on people of trade, but their business provides economy for so many women, men, and families. Therefore, you must understand why we view such a lifestyle as beneficial.”
“And our uncle is so very successful,” Jane added, “that it adds a sort of sparkle to his character. Sometimes, despite the views that society has upon trade, I wish that our father had been a man of business.”
“You do?” I asked her, surprised at her declaration.
“Yes, I do.”
“I never knew you felt this way.”
“Well, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps he suffered from a lack of occupation of some kind. And, if he were a man of trade, then perhaps our mother would…”
“Be less anxious over our fortunes and our futures.”
Jane gave a wary look at Mr. Darcy. She had just realized that she had said too much, especially to an outsider of our family.
“Do not fret or worry, Jane,” I assured her. “Mr. Darcy is not afraid of us being truthful about our lives. Or did I speak incorrectly?”
“No, that is quite right,” Mr. Darcy reassured us. “I am merely surprised at you both confiding this all to me. Indeed, I find myself very interested in what you both have to say.”
“But I do beg your pardon,” Jane rushed out. “For there are things that one should not say to a gentleman. Indeed, I do not know what has come over me.”
“I do,” I said to her. “Mr. Darcy has done his best to make us comfortable. As such, we are not afraid to be ourselves anymore.”
“I really am enjoying myself,” Mr. Darcy assured her again. “Truly, I feel flattered by this.”
Jane smiled gently and looked away.
A few seconds later, we had reached my uncle’s factory.
Jane, ever the obliging sister, did as I requested. She began to inspect the architecture of it, marveled by the new renovations that had been made to the place, as I offered to lead Mr. Darcy around the side of it, so that he saw the factory from all angles.
Happy with this arrangement, Darcy and I walked along, finally having the moment to ourselves.
When alone, I opened my mouth to speak, but Mr. Darcy began first.
“We are alone now,” he began.
“Yes, we are,” I sighed.
“And I gather that this fortuitous moment did not originate by accident.”
“No. I suppose now, with all laid so much bare between us, that with you, I must now be entirely open. I asked Jane if she would do her best to give us a few minutes alone so that I could say everything that I wished to say to you.”
Mr. Darcy looked ahead and then back at me.
“By your manners and behavior,” he began, “I gather that I have nothing else to worry over. Your treatment of me has been entirely cordial and even gracious; therefore, I look forward to whatever you have to say. In truth, I was hoping we would finally have time to take each other into each other’s confidence.”
“I am glad of it. First, I must thank you for the service that you rendered me yesterday, in protecting me from Mr. Wickham’s pursuits.”
“You are very welcome, but I partly blame myself for that situation.”
“How could you blame yourself? I was the one who once spoke so very warmly of him. I trusted him, believed his lies against you and therefore had been completely taken in.”
“He imposed himself upon you.”
“He would not have been able to do so if I had been wiser about it all from the beginning. Yet, I welcomed his attentions and therefore gave way to blindness. My pride had been affected and it led to me being easily prejudiced in another quarter.”
“Yet, in some ways, the fault is still mine. If I had revealed his true nature before, when I was in Hertfordshire, then none of you would have been duped by his charms. And I must confess that I was flattered with how you believed my word to such a degree that you rejected his proposal, despite that you adored him.”
“Adored?” I muttered, “Mr. Darcy, correct me if I am in error, but it sounds as if you think that I was in love with him? Do you think that?”
“Well, your words sound as if…”
I closed my eyes, frustrated with myself! Once more, I had used the wrong words and allowed the image to display something that the reality was not.
“Mr. Darcy, if you thought so, then it is not your fault. My own behavior is to blame, now that I consider it. When I say that I was flattered by his attentions, what I refer to is merely in the careless sense. He showed attention to me, and therefore, I was flattered by it. But only because he stirred my vanity—or rather, he swelled it. Sometimes, our vanity gets the better of our true natures, and it did so with me. And perhaps, it was not hard to do, since my vanity was so very much wounded when I had met him. I suppose that, to my eternal shame, I was looking for a person to help patch it up.”
“Why was your vanity wounded to begin with?”
I bit my lip, concerned about saying too much. Yet, I then recalled all the resolutions that I had made when my father had passed away. No more would I keep my mouth closed, for fear of tomorrow. For, very easily, tomorrow was not always a guarantee.
“Recall,” I reminded him, “that I am being entirely open with you, because I have seen what happens when the door of sincerity remains closed between us.”
“I am braced for the truth.”
I breathed in deeply, and then began my confession.
“I believe that, it was easy for Mr. Wickham’s charms to have a strong effect upon me because my pride was wounded from when you refused to dance with me at the assembly when we first met.”
Once I had said it, I was immediately ashamed, so I did not look at Mr. Darcy.
“I know,” I sighed, “it is a painfully embarrassing thing for a person to admit. For, to let someone’s slighting of you to unnerve you to such a degree that it leads to you seeking comfort elsewhere shows a dependency of spirit. But, alas, I am not perfect, and I am not an oak. I am flesh, blood, flaws and missteps, and it cannot be helped sometimes.”
“Your flaw—if it can even be called such—is nothing to be ridiculed and scoffed at,” he assured me. “We all seek comfort when we are slighted or offended in some way. And everyone’s vanity can become shaken very easily, and I do believe that I shook yours terribly. Faith, at the time, I had not even known that you had heard me when I made that ridiculous comment. If I had been a stronger man, with not a more substantial flaw to my name and heart, I would have never said it to begin with. Therefore, Miss Elizabeth, please accept my apology. It was wrong of me to speak so. I just simply am still at that stage in my life where I am not the best at recommending myself to strangers. You and I were not acquainted at the time. Yet, as you saw, once we were, I had been willing to dance with you at Lucas Lodge.”
“Yes, and I had rejected the offer,” I added, “and now you know the reason.”
“Ah,” he said on a sigh. “So, that was the reason?”
“Aye. That was the revenge that I sought. You would not dance with me at the assembly. Therefore, I would not dance with you at my friend’s home. And my revenge would have been complete indeed, if it had not been for one thing.”
“What one thing?”
I chuckled at the memory. “You had taken me entirely by surprise at Netherfield and I said yes to you even before I could think.”