by Ney Mitch
“I shall look forward to seeing you all tomorrow evening,” he spoke, then he got into his carriage and he gave us one last look as his horses were off. Walking up behind Jane, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and held her. The last view Mr. Darcy had of us was Jane resting her head on my arms as his carriage turned a corner.
When the day had come to an end, Jane and I were sleeping in the same bed, with one candle lit on the nightstand.
“Jane,” I whispered, “please do not hate yourself for not being there for me. I knew you would have been if you could.”
“I know,” Jane said, “but Lizzy, I am happy that I had said that to Mr. Darcy.”
“I am glad that you did as well. Do not be ashamed of it, for Mr. Darcy is not the sort to be afraid when people display true emotion. It is falseness that he cannot abide.”
“It is more than that. I feel gratitude toward him for saving you. But I also feel gratitude towards him for his feelings towards you.”
“What?”
“Lizzy, I believe that Mr. Darcy may be in love with you.”
I nearly stumbled as I raised myself up.
“I beg your pardon?” I started. “Jane, what?”
“Lizzy,” Jane continued, “I know that you feel that he despised you, but you know that I never thought ill of him. And while I have not always been correct in how I assess the feelings and thoughts of others—Caroline’s flimsy friendship being a primary example—I do not believe that I am incorrect here. I do believe that Mr. Darcy has ceased any ill feelings toward you. Truly, I feel that those have been quite done and gone away for some time, and in its place is not only an amicability, but I really do believe that he likes your company. To an excessive degree. I think that he feels deeply for you.”
I lay down, trying to remain calm.
“Jane, do you really believe so?” I asked, afraid of seeing an affection that was not truly there.
“Yes, I do. And I even believe that our aunt sees it, if you would but ask her as well.”
When hearing her say this, I stood up and began to pace around back and forth, lost in thought. When I realized that I may have appeared silly for doing so, I turned and looked at her.
“Forgive me,” I began, “I am merely confused.”
“Yes, I can imagine so. For I know that you have despised him for so long.”
“No, that is not what is causing distress within me now,” I assured her, “and nor do I feel any resentment towards him. In truth, I have long since relinquished any feelings of disdain.”
“So, you no longer feel discomfort towards him at all?”
“No. It has been many weeks now since I have found him to be one of the most goodhearted men of my acquaintance. And I can see now that I have remained too close-mouthed about my ever-changing feelings for him. Jane, since our father passed away, there was a change within me. And then, when I saw Mr. Darcy again at Rosings Park, I had decided that it was pointless to go on and remain angry. I tried to be amicable and kind towards Mr. Darcy, and he reciprocated the sentiment. Indeed, he was so warm and enjoyable to be around, that I began to realize that I would actively seek out his company. I grew… fond of him.”
Jane leaned in closely.
“Lizzy, are you being serious?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Are you telling me that you are in love with him?”
“I do not know,” I spoke truthfully, still pacing back and forth. “That is the very problem with love and with our lives. For so long we comment and consider the idea of being in love, and yet, I daresay that because we dream about it, we do not understand what the difference between dreams and reality are. I know not if I love him. It cannot be love. I just… I do not understand what I am feeling. Am I being nonsensical?”
“No, you are not. Being in love is a tricky concept. For, I have often observed, when it comes to being our age and being women it is very easy to be in love with the idea of being in love, rather than knowing what love is especially.”
“Precisely. My respect and admiration for him have been coming on so gradually, that I cannot tell you what I am feeling. But I know that it cannot be love. It is too soon to be love. I just know that, between seeing him again at Rosings, and us speaking now, that I like him. Yet, for the moment, I cannot say anything more than that.”
“I would suggest that you speak with our aunt about it. She loves our uncle, so she must know, or at least have experienced what you are going through now.”
“Well, you were in love with Bingley, so you also know what love feels like.”
Jane looked down at the floor.
“Yes,” she continued, “but he does not reciprocate that love. This may very well be different.”
“I am certain that Bingley does love you.”
“Let us not talk of me now. Let us talk of other things; let us talk of you. Speak to our aunt, Lizzy, and do not be afraid to take her into your confidence. After all, what are aunts for?”
“While it is always dangerous to try and predict what is in other people’s minds,” my aunt began, “I shall tread carefully.”
I had taken Jane’s advice and gone to speak with her. Together, we sat in a parlor, quite alone, and Jane had been correct. Aunt Gardiner had been eager to talk with me about a variety of thoughts that she had had about Mr. Darcy and myself.
“While Mr. Darcy may or may not be fully in love with you,” she announced, “he is very much on his way to being so.”
“You really think so?”
“Oh yes. Men such as him are drawn to women such as yourself.”
“Me? Why ever for? He did not even find me handsome when we first met. Besides, with men such as him, I thought he would be more likely of looking for utter perfection in a woman. I thought a man like him would lean more towards seeking out the Jane Bennets of the world.”
“If he were a simple sort of wealthy gentleman, then perhaps he would,” she gathered, “however, I have often found, with men such as him, that there is a hidden and very clandestine sort of eccentricity to them. They are so used to having everything perfect around them, that life must be a pretty drear thing or sometimes can appear as stale. You are the sort of woman who has a flavor to her. You have a spark of life that any man of true taste would find alluring. Also, you have a habit of bringing men like him out of his isolated cloud. Therefore, between men such as him and women such as you, it is the situation of a moth being drawn to a flame.”
“I do not intend to burn him, Aunt,” I answered with a nervous chuckle.
“Love burns us all when we first feel it. And now, we turn to how you are feeling about this all. You are very confused, and you have a right to be.”
“Thank you.”
“Yes, for when being young, be you man or woman, one is so determined to be in love, that we are left to wonder if we are truly feeling love, or are we telling ourselves that we are?”
“Yet, that is the only matter of my life,” I pointed out, “I have gone through that phase in life where I felt that love was my defining purpose. However, it is not now. It has been years since I have needed love or an attachment to give me fulfillment in life. In truth, I did not seek to feel any sort of affection for Mr. Darcy, nor did I even attempt to have an attachment.”
Aunt Gardiner squinted and her expression altered to looking quizzical.
“You did not?”
“No, faith, I did not,” I denied. “I merely just sought him out to make peace with him, at first, and also to help gather knowledge of Mr. Bingley’s feelings towards Jane.”
“Mr. Bingley?”
“Oh, yes. Perhaps it would be best if I clarified. His friend, Mr. Bingley, was in love with Jane. But he suddenly left Hertfordshire before ever making a proposal to her, and we have not heard from him since. A motive of my sending Jane here was a hope that she and Mr. Bingley would encounter each other, by mere chance. After all, Longbourn may not be ours for much longer.”
“If this Mr. B
ingley has not sought out Jane since, then it may be likely that he is indifferent to her,” Aunt Gardiner pointed out, “though it hurts to say such a thing.”
“If this were anyone else but Mr. Bingley, then I would agree with you. However, I know that Mr. Bingley loves Jane. Of that I am sure. I discovered that he was merely persuaded against choosing her. Sometimes, over-persuasion can be a powerful thing. However, that was my motive for seeking out Mr. Darcy. Yet, all the mutual respect that we have come to have for one another has been coming on gradually and without any intentional motive of mine to bring it about. I merely wished to have a friend in him.”
“And now it perhaps has come to something more?”
“If Jane and you are certain that he feels for me.”
“It does not matter if he feels for you or not. All that matters is what you feel for him. Forget this nonsense that a woman ought not to begin to feel for a man until he indicates that he feels for her. Our emotions should not spring up from the actions of others, always, but rather we have the right to feel as we feel, independent of other people’s intentions, motives, and mindset. Just speak about what you feel for him and leave all the other worries and woes behind. Do not think about the future or past, but only this moment, here and now. Whatever you feel, I shall not judge you. Therefore, confess all, and make peace with it.”
“I…”
Aunt Gardiner smiled more gently.
“Do not be afraid. There is nothing here to fear.”
“You are correct. After all, this is merely life and life only.” I breathed out and in, and I let my life wash over me, as if it were waves and waves of images that had meaning somehow. I suppose, in my mind, I was still looking for the moment, the very hour that I became set on this path that I now had to walk down. We humans often deal in patterns, seeing our lives laid out in shapes, and we wonder what those shapes indicate. After all, shapes are something that the eye can measure out and fully understand. In that moment, I was looking for the pattern, and if I saw where I began, logically, I would be able to see where it all ought to end. For if I knew where my heart began, then I ought to know where my heart was meant to end.
But all was confusion and a mess.
My past experiences were not meant to come together into one perfect formula and give me a result. After all, love is not governed by logic. Theories and poems have been written about the emotion, but no one has ever fully defined it. For, perhaps, it was without definition. Perhaps… it was something that was only meant to be felt and never fully explained why one experiences it.
Therefore, there was nothing left but for me to voice precisely how I felt.
“I cannot say that I love him,” I admitted, “because it is too soon to make such a declaration. Love requires more time, I do believe. However, I will not deny that I admire him, that I greatly esteem him, that I like him… and that I am drawn to him. Faith, I feel a deep attraction to him.”
My Aunt Gardiner smiled and sighed.
“There. Now that is a start.”
“A start to what though?” I asked. “For truly, I am at a loss as to what I feel. Is it a start to love or at least clarification?”
“It is a start to you knowing what you feel. Sometimes, we humans can be attracted to others every now and again. And we can be attracted to more than one person. It is neither often or common that we spend our entire lives and only felt attraction to one person. Therefore, sometimes, finding a man attractive can lead to you loving him, or it can fade soon after it was felt. Time will be your guide. Allow it all to play out as it will. But there is one thing that I shall tell you: do not let this change your relationship with the gentleman.”
She leaned toward me. “Mr. Darcy seeks you out because he likes your character. When at the state of being attracted to someone, it is very easy to change your personality and that is neither right nor comfortable. If he is in love with you, and I do believe that he is, he fell in love with you because of the person that you are. Do not let these revelations that we speak of alter your personality or change how you speak to him. Do not let it make you nervous, anxious, awkward or make you resent his company. Be yourself in full. And that is the best thing to always do.”
I kissed her cheek.
“Thank you, Aunt.”
“Of course.”
I jumped up, walked to the door, and then I had an idea. Turning to her, I was curious.
“Aunt, did you ever love any man before marrying my uncle?”
“Oh yes,” she answered, completely unafraid. “Well, a couple of them, it was love. With the rest of them, it was attraction. And attraction only.”
“But with my uncle?”
“It was attraction and then love.”
“So, you know what I am undergoing?”
“Indeed, and I recall being anxious. After many years of reflection, I realize that, at the time, there was no reason to be anxious. For, that was the time of life, when one is allowed to have fun. Have fun with these feelings of yours, Lizzy. Always be responsible, respectful, polite and follow decorum, but internally, just enjoy the moment. Life is meant to be enjoyed.”
I gave her an impish grin.
“Then, I give myself leave to like him, and not lose myself in the process.”
“Precisely!”
I chuckled and then I left my aunt alone. When we both parted ways, there was equal satisfaction on both sides.
Chapter 5
What Are Cousins For?
When Darcy had left Cheapside, he was elated. Filled with the sort of ecstasy that wraps itself around the individual, he remained in a euphoric state on the full ride home.
It was this unbridled joy that led to him returning to Grosvenor Square without noticing that he was late for a dinner. When he entered, the doorman informed him that Colonel Fitzwilliam had been waiting for him for over an hour.
Darcy closed his eyes, thoroughly embarrassed with himself. His time spent with Elizabeth was such a pleasure, that he was unable to pay attention to the time. This was the one defect about being in love: it made you unaware of anything else that was around you.
He was informed that Colonel Fitzwilliam had been waiting for him in the billiards room. Darcy went in, and there his cousin was, playing a set. His jacket was off, and he was wearing his vest opened, and his shirt sleeves rolled up.
“Ah, the man of the hour,” Richard piped up.
“Richard,” Darcy began, “my apologies for being late.”
“It was very delightful,” Richard responded, “for I had a wonderful time making conversation with an empty chair.”
“I promise that I would not have forgotten that you were coming for dinner if there had not been something to occupy me to such an extent.”
“Truly, Darcy, I am not upset. I enjoyed the comforts of your home, and we are close enough that the servants all made me comfortable. The most that happened was that I was worried about you.”
“Come now.” Darcy smirked, removing his jacket. “We are both like the rocks of Stonehenge; what knocks us down?”
“Well put. So, rock of ages, tell me? What is the cause to you being so abominably late to this informal engagement?”
Darcy opened his mouth and closed it again.
“Sorry?” Richard teased, pressing his finger against his ear. “I did not catch that. You must repeat that.”
“I…”
“Better. Yet I know that you are able of saying full sentences.”
“I… it is complicated.”
“Complicated? In what way?”
“The usual way that things are complicated, I daresay.”
“No, it is not. Nothing is rarely ever complicated. Usually, it is simply our refusal to speak about them that makes them complicated. Am I close to the truth?”
“Richard, you really ought to have no ability at figuring me out so very easily.”
“I have every right. Your awkwardness has been my constant companion for twenty years at least.”
“Am I awkward?”
“In the most charming sense. Now, come,” Richard said, putting his jacket back on and putting the billiards away. “We have made your cooks wait long enough. And we can allow you to talk about these complications over a nice bowl of soup that is followed by some ham and potatoes.”
They both went into the dining room and sat down to a meal.
“So,” Richard said as their courses were being served. “I come with glad tidings. Sir Aleck Granger is holding a Christmas ball, and we both have the good fortune to be invited.”
“I thought your duties would have taken you away for that?”
“My company is stationed in London for four months.”
When hearing this, Mr. Darcy smiled.
“Truly? Richard, that is delightful news.”
“Yes. And I hope that the news shall not be rescinded. To be stationed here, will give me four months of peace before the storm rages on.”
“Do your best to find happiness in that time.”
“As far as a man like me can find happiness.”
“Also, how are your parents and your brothers?”
“Mother and father are still the paragons of society and their health is with them. I am glad of it. Without father, I do not think anyone can control Jeffrey, and without mother… well, life would be decidedly gray. Why do parents have to die?”
“Because we are never allowed to have everything. When they leave us, it is a hard thing.”
“And when my parents pass away, it will be very hard. Who will control that wild brother of mine?”
Darcy secretly despised this conversation. For he had been so elated after leaving Elizabeth, and now, to be reduced to a conversation about the same tedious problems that arise from family squabbles. Yet, he knew not to blame Richard. After all, he had never told Richard, or anyone, about his feelings for Elizabeth Bennet. Therefore, this was not Richard’s fault.