Align Ourselves

by Adrianna Schuh

  "Shut up," he said, rolling his eyes.

  Aria laid down, now really smiling at him. "What? I'm only being considerate?"

  "No, you're not. You're trying to make another...cuddling joke, or whatever," Lex said, laying down on his side.

  "No, I wasn't," she said, trying to look innocent.

  "Right."

  Aria studied his face for a few moments. He'd been the total opposite of everything she'd expected when she came here. And it seemed like the more time she spent with him, the better she got to know him, the more she liked the person she was learning he was.

  "Lex, I have to tell you something," she said quietly. She was pretty sure that she had run out of time, that she had to tell him. It scared her. Telling him would probably ruin the small connection that was growing between them. But she had no choice.

  "What is it?"

  "I-I know who took the knife," she said, looking down.

  He stayed quiet, but she noticed him clenching his fists.

  "It was Ben," she said, "But-but he knows that it was a mistake. And he only did it because he was afraid of what might happen. You have to understand. It was stupid, he knows that now. But-" her voice died in her throat. She didn't know what else to add.

  She looked up at him, trying to read his face to get a little idea of how he'd react to the news.

  "And how long have you known that," he asked, his voice even, his face not giving anything away.

  "I suspected for a while..." she said. She knew she was being vague and that it wasn't really an answer or the truth.

  He nodded.

  "But you know if. If he was a real threat, I would have told you. And I waited to tell you because I was worried about how you'd react and I-"

  "That wasn't your decision to make. I should be the one to decide if he's a threat or not," Lex said.

  "But-"

  "But nothing," he yelled. "I fucking knew it. I knew it."

  "You knew what?"

  He got up and stood beside the bed. "I knew it was him, and I knew you were lying. That you knew."

  "So why didn't you say anything?"

  "Because I was being stupid and giving you the benefit of the doubt," he said. He walked away, running a hand through his hair. "I figured it was him. And I figured that you knew. But I convinced myself that...that if you actually knew, you'd tell me. Obviously, I was wrong."

  "Lex," she said, sitting up, "You have to understand, I-"

  "I don't have to understand shit," he yelled, turning to face her. "You knew. You've probably known since that night. And I convinced myself that you- that you were different. That you'd tell me. But you're not. And I fucking-" he shook his head.

  "You don't understand; I only did what I did because-"

  "I don't fucking care why you did it. You've always got some reason. Some way to convince me that your intentions make up for the fact that you're nothing but a liar."

  That stung a little, but she tried to understand. She'd been expecting it.

  "All you've done since you've gotten here is lie and manipulate me," he said. He wasn't yelling anymore. His voice sounded cold and calculated like it did when she had first met him. "And I fucking let you."

  She looked down. It wasn't the first time someone had called her a liar. Or manipulative. But for some reason, it hurt a lot worse this time.

  " I took all of you in, and the only thing I asked for was your loyalty," he said. "But you can't even give me that. And I understand if you hate me, I do. A lot of people hate me for the things I've done to them to their families. But I've treated your people well. I never asked for you to love me. I asked you for your trust. I gave you mine," he said. "And still, after everything, you fucking lied. For weeks."

  "I-I'm sorry," she said, looking up at him.

  "No, you're not. I fucking knew it was Ben. And the other night, when he came to our rooms, and you freaked out, I figured this was the reason why. And still, I didn't push you about it. I had hoped that it wasn't true that I was right about you," he said, turning his back on her.

  "The only reason you're even telling me now is that you have no choice. If I heard it from Ben instead of you, it would be worse. And you knew that, so that's why you asked me to come here. So that you could finally tell me. So don't act like you're sorry. The only thing you're sorry about is finally getting caught."

  "Lex...I-"

  "I don't care. I don't care about your reasons. I can't trust a word you say," he said. He stormed out the door.

  Aria remained on the bed. Tears swam in her eyes. Panic and fear seized her chest, making it hard for her to inhale, exhale, or do anything besides sit there and try to work through what had just happened.

  For a second, she was worried that he'd left. That he was already on the way back to the palace. But there was no way he'd go in the dark, would he? He wouldn't just abandon her, right?

  The surprising thing was, she wasn't that worried about what would happen to Ben. She wasn't even that concerned about what would happen to her and the others. What upset her the most was what he'd said about her, what he thought of her now.

  She put her head in her hands.

  When he finally came back, she was in the same position she'd been after he left. She couldn't look up. She felt ashamed. Perhaps if she'd told him the truth as soon as she found out, he would have been understanding. And now, she was nothing but a liar to him. He'd never trust her again.

  He didn't say anything to her. He tended to the fire for a few minutes before silently climbing into the bed, ignoring her like she wasn't even there.

  After a few minutes, she spoke up. "What are you going to do," she whispered.

  "I don't know," he said, his back turned to her.

  "Do we have to leave," she asked. She couldn't help herself.

  He turned to face her; he didn't seem angry anymore. His face was emotionless, impassive.

  "No, Aria," he said, looking right at her, "Your people can stay. You were right when you said that they were good people. They don't deserve to suffer because of Ben's treachery."

  Relief washed over her. She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting to hear.

  "And...me," she asked.

  "You can stay. Or you can go. It's up to you."

  She nodded. She should be grateful. Grateful that he wasn't kicking her out because he obviously couldn't trust her. But his careless tone hurt her feelings.

  "Do you want me to leave," she asked.

  "I don't care what you do," he said. And with that, he turned back around.

  She didn't know what else to say, what else to add. She laid down and faced the wall. They'd slept like this almost every night since they'd gotten married, but tonight felt different.

  I want you to stay, he'd said a few weeks ago.

  I don't care what you do.

  She wasn't sure why it hurt so much. She wasn't expecting this. She should be glad, happy even that he was fond enough of her friends to let them stay.

  She wasn't sure when she had started to care about what he thought of her. Maybe it was that night when he'd told her about his mother. Perhaps it was the day he talked to Mara. Or maybe it was this afternoon when he laughed with her, and she noticed the way his eyes crinkled and lit up, making her feel like he was someone who belonged by her side.

  Someone she could confide in. Someone she could laugh with. Someone she could lead alongside.

  She was sure that he didn't feel the same way, not anymore.

  Chapter 22

  The next morning, they silently packed their things and made their way home.

  Aria grew nervous once the palace came into view. Last night, she hadn't been that worried about what would happen to Ben. But now, she could feel the worry making her chest tighten.

  Lex hadn't seemed angry. In fact, he seemed totally at ease. But that didn't make her feel any better.

  Guards greeted them once they arrived, and they took the horses away. Aria and Lex entered the palace and made
their way to the throne room. Everyone they passed greeted them like they'd been missed. And maybe they had.

  Aria stopped at the doors and told him that she was going to their rooms instead. She didn't feel like talking to anyone. He shrugged.

  She made her way upstairs and drew herself a bath. She tried to relax, but her thoughts about Ben and what would happen made it impossible.

  Eventually, she figured that she'd have to face the others, so she made her way to the throne room once again.

  She noticed that Lex had left, and Grace was nowhere to be seen, so she joined her friends.

  A few people asked about her trip, and she did her best to seem happy and at ease. The only person that could tell that something was wrong was Mara. They made their way into the garden for some privacy.

  Mara didn't seem surprised by what Aria told her.

  "What do you think he'll do?" she asked.

  "I'm not sure," Aria answered. "But whatever it is...I don't think I'll be able to stop him. He-he doesn't trust me anymore."

  It hurt to say. But she was sure of it.

  "Give him time, Aria," Mara said. "He's not...he's, not a bad guy. He'll trust you again, eventually. I'm sure he understands, on some level. But you're right," Mara said. "It's his call. I don't think anything you do or say will make a difference."

  That night, Aria stayed up and waited for Lex to come back. She waited for what felt like hours, and just when she was about to give in to sleep, she heard him walking through the doors of the front room.

  She stayed in bed. She wasn't sure what she would say, but she felt like talking to him. It was weird. She felt like she missed him, even though they'd been together that day. Maybe it was the distance he'd placed between them that made her feel that way.

  After a little while, he joined her in bed.

  "Hey," she said, a little timidly.

  "Hey," he sighed, placing an arm over his eyes.

  "Look, Lex, I know you're mad at me and-"

  "I'm not mad at you," he said, cutting her off.

  "You're-you're not?" she asked, surprised.

  "No, Aria," he said, shifting to his side, "I'm not mad. So whatever you want to say, save it."

  "But-"

  "I've had a long day. I don't feel like talking," he said, cutting her off again.

  "Okay," she sighed. Well, at least he wasn't mad at her anymore. That meant something, right?

  The next few days, it seemed like he went out of his way to avoid her. The only time she ever really saw him was in the throne room during meals. And every time she tried to talk to him about anything, he'd shrug it off with barely a comment.

  Every night, she fell asleep, waiting for him to join her. In the morning, he'd leave before she could get a chance to talk to him.

  She tried to understand. He needed space. He still hadn't said anything about Ben.

  But she found herself growing more and more impatient and angry. Was Lex just going to ignore her for the rest of their lives?

  On the fifth night, she’d finally had enough. She forced herself to stay awake, waiting for him. When he finally showed up, he looked surprised and disappointed to find her sitting by the fireplace in their room, writing in her journal.

  He gave her a nod in acknowledgment and got ready for bed.

  She wasn't sure how to initiate the conversation, so she got in after him. He ignored her and turned his back, just like she knew he would.

  "Look, I know you need space. I get that," she said. "But you can't just ignore me forever."

  "I'm not ignoring you."

  That pissed her off. She knew he was lying.

  "Who's the liar now?" she asked before she could stop herself.

  She sighed. It was the wrong way to start the conversation. The last thing she wanted was to fight with him. But even arguing was better than being ignored.

  "Will you just talk to me? I know you're mad, and I know you have a right to be. But at least talk to me about it!"

  "I don't really feel like talking."

  "Well, I do! And I've respected your wishes for the past few days, but I'm tired of being ignored."

  He sighed. "I have to be up early tomorrow, so I'd really like to sleep."

  "Why?"

  "I'll be leaving in the morning. I have to visit a few places. I won't be back for a few days."

  "Can I come with you?"

  "No"

  She sighed again. "Why? Why can't I come?"

  "Because I don't want you to."

  She didn't have anything to say to that. What was there to say, anyway? He'd made it clear that he didn't care if she stayed or not. And now he didn't want her to come with him, wherever it was that he was going.

  She turned to her side. She wasn't sure who she was angrier with—Lex, for ignoring her, or herself for being upset that he didn't want her company.

  The next three days passed agonizingly slow.

  Aria tried to keep herself busy. She stumbled across the library and asked one of the guards to tell her about this place, about their history.

  She spent time training, trying to work off some of the nervous energy that made it hard for her to sleep. She spent time with her friends.

  But even so, thoughts of Lex and what he was doing lingered.

  At night, she found it hard to sleep alone. It wasn't like they'd actually slept together. They had stayed on opposite ends of the bed, but his presence had become comforting. Now, all she could feel was the cold, empty space where he usually slept.

  She found herself thinking about the three days they'd spent alone at the house more than she cared to admit. She missed the sound of his voice teasing her. She missed the look in his eye when he laughed and the way he ran his hand through his hair, leaving it messy.

  Her thoughts and the realization that she actually missed him scared her a little.

  "What's got you so down?" Grace asked one night during dinner, but not in a tone that implied she actually cared. "Missing your lawfully wedded?"

  For a second, Aria wanted to snap at her. But she thought better of it. Grace didn't seem as lenient as Lex. Yes, Aria was the queen, so she could technically talk to anyone in any way she wanted. But something told her that making an enemy of Grace was the last thing that she should do.

  "Yeah, actually," Aria answered honestly, looking Grace right in the eye. Challenging her.

  "Well, maybe you shouldn't have been a deceitful little bitch."

  Aria glared at her. She wasn't surprised that Lex had told her. They didn't seem like they were the type of people who kept things from one another. Either way, Grace's words pissed her off. Yeah, she'd lied to Lex. Yeah, he had a right to be upset. But Grace?

  "I'm still the queen," Aria said, getting up. "Don't talk to me like that."

  Grace looked a little surprised by what Aria had said. For a second, Aria felt a little satisfied. She left without another word.

  The next night, Lex came back. Aria and Grace were eating dinner, not talking to one another when he entered the throne room.

  Aria felt a little embarrassed by the feelings that were washing over her; relief and longing. She shook her head to compose herself, remembering that she wasn't supposed to feel that way. He had made it very clear that he didn't much care for her anymore.

  He joined them at the table as the others bowed in acknowledgment.

  Lex greeted the room and sat down to eat. Grace waited a few minutes before asking him about his trip.

  "It was fine," he said.

  Grace nodded but didn't ask him anything else. Aria figured that Grace knew where he'd gone and why while she remained in the dark.

  No matter. Lex would have to talk to her tonight. She wouldn't take no for an answer.

  "Ben," Lex called suddenly. Ben turned from his spot at the table, and almost all of Aria's people went quiet. "Come here."

  Ben rose as Aria fought the urge to ask Lex about what was going on.

  "Yes?" Ben asked, standing a few feet
from the table.

  "You'll be leaving the day after tomorrow, so pack any items you own and say your goodbyes," Lex said, looking impassive.

  "What? Why?" Ben asked.

  "You know why. Don't ask such foolish questions," Lex said.

  "Where am I going?"

  "My guards will be taking you to a village about a day's travel from here. The people there will be expecting you. You'll have a place to live. Work. I don't want you here, but I will allow you to visit every few weeks, for the sake of your friends."

  Ben looked shocked, angry. "You agreed to this?" he asked, glaring at Aria.

  "She had no say," Lex said. "And don't speak to her with that kind of tone. I'm doing you a kindness. If it were up to me, I'd have you sent back to the Terra lands. Or worse."

  "And if I refuse?" Ben asked, still looking at Aria.

  "I apologize if I made it seem as if you have a choice. You can either go where I'm sending you or be taken back to where you came from."

  "Fine," Ben said, finally turning to look at Lex.

  "But Ben," he said, his tone turning threatening. “If I hear one word about you causing trouble or disobeying my orders, I won't think twice before ordering an execution. Do you understand?"

  Ben nodded.

  Lex dismissed him with a wave of his hand, and Ben left the room.

  Aria didn't know what to say. Part of her felt a little sad because she was sure that he had a good heart despite all of the things Ben had done. The other part felt relieved because he was allowed to stay here despite the trouble he seemed determined to cause. He wouldn't be sent back. It was more than she could hope for.

  "I need a drink," Lex said, getting up. He made his way towards the table her friends were at and talked to Brent for a few minutes. He returned to their table while Brent went to the kitchen, returning what Aria assumed was his special drink. Brent gave Lex the bottle, and he poured himself and Grace a glass.

  "Want some?" he asked, looking over at Aria.

  "No, thank you," she said. It felt formal and stiff. He only shrugged.

  She finished her dinner and left the room. Grace and Lex had migrated to one of the other tables, joined by Brent, Martinez, Mara, and Peter. Aria took one last glance at them before leaving the room; they looked like friends. It made her a little sad; she should join them. She should want to join them. But she didn't.