by S. Moose
AS PER THE DOCTOR’S orders, I can’t take Bayleigh on the honeymoon of her dreams. Instead, we’re staying home for two weeks, enjoying each other’s company, and I’m going to make sure each day is filled with her happiness and the feeling of being on vacation.
Waking up, after watching the ball drop on TV, and welcoming the New Year, I slowly get out of bed so I don’t wake her up. Heading downstairs, I get to work. Making chocolate chip pancakes with scrambled eggs, sausages and oatmeal for myself, I pour orange juice in a glass with my coffee and place everything on a tray.
Walking back upstairs, I find Bayleigh in the nursery. She’s in the rocking chair, touching her stomach, and talking to Baby Scott. Placing the tray in our bedroom, I come back out and lean against the doorframe of the nursery.
“So Mama got married to Daddy. You were there to watch us.” I hear her sigh and rub her stomach. “Let’s be good for the next few months okay? I promise if we’re both good I’ll be the best mama ever. Baby Scott, you’re going to know so much love and not a day will go by without you knowing how much you mean to us.”
I wipe the tears and keep quiet. I love watching her talk to Baby Scott. Being married and having a baby on the way is what I want with Bayleigh. Joining her inside the nursery I kiss the crook of her neck and bring her to bed. It’s been a long day and I want to enjoy a night with my wife.
Waking up from a fucked up dream I slide out of bed, and quietly slip out of the bedroom so I don’t wake Bayleigh up. It’s five in the morning and I can’t go back to sleep. Getting on my sneakers and coat I drive to Ryan’s grave. Sitting with him makes things seem better.
“Hey brother. Sorry it took me a little bit to come and visit you. I hope things are good up there and you’re watching over us.” I move the dried leaves from his grave and sit in silence for a few moments. “We’re married now. I kept an empty spot next to me. I knew you were there,” I laugh. “I had a messed up dream. I can’t talk to Bayleigh about it. Not yet. I have a bad feeling. Just fucked up.” I think about the dream again. Bayleigh and our daughter didn’t make it out of the hospital. The pain I felt when I woke up nearly destroyed me. I can’t wrap my head around it.
“It was a dream right?” Silence, and I accept it. Everything will be fine.
Later that night, Bayleigh and I cuddle on the couch and watch TV. She’s well rested and comfortable. It eases my mind a little to know she’s not experiencing any pain.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks me.
“Just things,” I tell her and stroke her hair. “Memories of our life together so far.” This house holds memories for us and more to come. Even though there’s been sadness, the happy times trump everything.
Then I think about her strength and it’s for the both of us. She truly believes everything will be fine.
“You know what else I’m thinking about?”
“What?”
I sigh and kiss her hands. “How beautiful your heart and soul are. You have this light about you, Bay, and I’m so lucky to have you as my wife. Thanks for making me your husband.”
“Why you’re welcome, mister,” she rests her head on my shoulder, and we stay like this for a while before going upstairs.
Winter comes and goes. We welcome spring with open arms. Everything is going well and I can’t imagine life getting any better.
Sitting at my desk, I think about the past few months. Bayleigh’s stomach is growing and our baby is healthy and strong. Doctor Wells is confident the pregnancy will be fine and I believe him. She’s not experiencing any pain or discomfort, minus the regular pregnancy symptoms.
I truly believe in faith and think Ryan is watching over her and making sure she’s not going to hurt or feel lost.
Checking my phone, I see a text from Bayleigh.
Bay: Got to the spa. Thank you for today. We’re loving it and can’t wait to relax. Don’t worry either. My therapist is Brenna!
Me: Good and you don’t have to thank me baby. Anything to make you happy
Bay: I love you husband
Me: I love you wife
It’s important to me Bayleigh gets her time with friends. She’s getting close to Serena, and it means a lot to me. We have a great group of friends and we all care about each other.
The knock on my door gets my attention. Damon and Seth walk in and look like they’re up to something.
“Let’s head out Scott. Tee-time is in an hour and I think we need a guy’s night.” Shutting down my computer, I couldn’t agree more.
It’s past midnight when I get home. Quietly walking in, I shake my head and curse myself for drinking that much. Taking one step at a time, I make it into the bedroom and find a sleeping Bayleigh. God, my wife is beautiful.
Getting out of my clothes, I slide in and hope to get lucky again. Kissing her ear lobe and down her neck, I feel her move and soon her elbow connects with my face.
“Baby!” I yell and move away, checking to see if I’m bleeding. “The hell.” Shaking off the pain I growl and get back into bed, hovering over her body. “I didn’t think you were into kinky.” I gently push her down and ravish her mouth. “Fuck, you taste so good.”
“Tyler,” she moans and moves underneath me. “Where were you?”
“Ah well, there was golf and dinner with drinks.”
“Everything okay?” I nod, and kiss her cheek down to her neck, sliding my hand under her shirt to feel her warm skin. “But we need to talk.”
“About what?” I whisper, kissing her neck and feeling her body under my hands.
“Is everything okay? You don’t go out very often.”
“Just needed time to myself to get everything in my head straight.”
“Oh.”
I get off her and pull her up so we’re facing each other. Caressing her face, I lean over and softly kiss her lips. “Everything is fine.”
“Doesn’t seem like it,” she tells me. “I don’t know what it is. I feel like this is too much for you.”
“Yeah sometimes it is, but that’s okay. I want this with you.”
“Are you sure?” She questions me and it irritates the fuck out of me. I’m not sure if this is how I’m really feeling or if this is the alcohol. People say when you drink, the truth comes out.
“Is it stressful? Fuck yes. I’m dealing with this too and it scares the shit out of me. I wonder why the fuck I’m going through this.”
“We’re going through this. Not just you. Not just me. We both are.”
I rest my head on hers and pull her closer. She seems so far away and I hate the distance between us.
“I’m sorry.” I kiss her bare shoulder and my hands roam down her body. I need her right now. “Baby, I’m so fucking hard right now. I want you.” Gently pushing her down, my lips and hands explore her body. Spreading her legs wide, I dip my head between her thighs and pull off her panties. Throwing the panties on the floor, I lick her sensitive spot and her hands are in my hair. Knowing exactly what she needs, I slightly lift her hips off the bed and use my tongue to make her scream my name.
“Don’t stop,” she moans.
“Never,” I tell her and continue to suck until I see her come in my mouth. Quickly taking off my clothes, I furiously thrust inside her, feeling her deeply and urging for more. As many times as we’ve been together, this is the first time I’ve ever been this worked up. If I hear her moan my name, telling me to go harder one more time, I swear I was going to lose it faster than I wanted to.
Her trembling body under mine is driving me wild. Every touch, every sound she makes, and the need coming from her lips makes me thrust harder and faster. She’s holding onto me, keeping me from falling, and shit I love the feel of her hands on my body. I love the feel of her.
Just her.
“Keep going. I need you so bad,” she moans.
“Baby,” I gasp. “If you keep saying this it’s going to be over sooner than I want.”
Moans of pleasure escape our lips. She feels tight around my cock
and with a few more thrusts, I empty myself inside her and rest my forehead to hers. Kissing her, loving her, and needing her.
Looking down at her satisfied face, I slowly pull out of her, clean her up with a washcloth from the bathroom and pull her to my body.
“I missed you tonight. I know you want to hang out with the guys and that’s fine I’m not stopping you. We just missed you.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I know I should have said it nicer. But I am stressed out because I worry about you.”
She sits up too, and turns to look at me. Touching my face and leaning over to kiss me, she sits back down and holds my hand. “We’ve been through so much and this is another obstacle we will overcome.”
“Why do we have so many obstacles? Why can’t things be perfect?”
“Because life isn’t perfect. We are imperfect people creating a perfect life if that makes sense.” I nod. “It’s okay to be stressed out and wanting to get things off your chest. I want you to do it in a better way though. Can you do that for me?”
“I can try.”
“You need to try harder. Things might get harder, or stay the same. Either way, we’re a team and you straying away isn’t going to help.” I nod and don’t say anything because there’s nothing I can say. “Okay well, go to bed and we’ll talk in the morning.” I lean over to kiss her and she lets me.
“I love you, Bay, and I’m sorry for thinking this is about me. You’re right this is us and we’re going to be okay.”
“I love you too.”
The next morning, after my shower, I head downstairs to start the coffee. Making my way upstairs I check the bedroom and don’t see Bayleigh. Going into the closet I change into my work clothes. As I’m buttoning my shirt I look around again and call out for her. It’s quiet in the house and worry strikes me. Rushing to the nursery I see it empty. I know she’s not downstairs so I head to the bathroom and rush inside when I see her on the floor.
“Tyler,” she weakly says. “My head is pounding and everything is blurry,” she cries, holding her stomach. “Something’s wrong.”
I cradle her in my arms and pull out my phone to call 911. “It’ll be okay, baby.”
***
HOLDING HER IN MY arms and settling her on the couch, I rush to the kitchen and make her a cup of tea. Hearing the doctor’s words over and over again in my head.
Preeclampsia.
Premature labor.
Severe bleeding.
I slam my fists on the counter. How can this be happening?
“Don’t be mad.” I turn around and see an exhausted Bayleigh, holding her stomach, and walking towards me. “Please.”
“I can’t lose you,” I cry and walk backwards, leaning on the counter. “You heard the doctor. I won’t lose you, Bay.”
“I’ll be fine. Our baby and I will be fine. Baby Scott is just having some issues, but the doctor said as long as I don’t overexert myself, I’ll be fine. Please don’t be upset.”
“I don’t understand how you expect me to be okay with this. I won’t live a life without you.” I rush out of the kitchen and hear her follow me. I need to destroy the nursery.
“Tyler, stop. You need to talk to me.”
Opening the door, I look around and tears fill my eyes again. How can the world be this cruel?
She’s the love of my life and our baby needs to live. I know asking her to terminate the pregnancy is too much. I’m being selfish, but I know if I had to choose between her and our baby, I would chose her.
I will always choose her.
Turning around, I see her and the way she’s looking at me, pleading with me, and I can’t give in. “You are my life, don’t you see that? We can make another baby. We can always have more babies. But there’s only one you, Bay. Only one you. Please try to see this from my point of view.”
“I can’t, Tyler and I won’t. I have faith that everything will be fine and you should too. We just found out we’re having a daughter. This is happening. Soon, we’re going to figure out a name and it’s going to be okay.”
“Faith? Coming up with a name? No! How can I have faith when you are choosing this and not even talking to me about it?”
“Because I believe in the good and know it’ll be okay.”
I’m standing here before her and can’t believe what I’m hearing. Knowing we’re having a baby girl and she could die is too much to handle.
I turn away and realize she’s not going to abort the baby.
“Please sit down and help me find a name. She needs a name.”
“No,” I walk away. “No. I can’t and I won’t.” I can’t accept this right now and head out. Being in the nursery, and the house, is messing with my head.
Sitting at the bar with an empty glass of whiskey, I get the bartender’s attention and ask for another drink. Alcohol isn’t helping the pain. Each sip brings more pain as I realize the reality of our lives.
A hand touches my shoulder and I look up to see Damon. Looking away, I drown myself in the brown liquid.
“You want to talk?”
“Not really,” I tell him.
“Come on man. You’ve been here for hours. Your girl is home worried fucking sick about you and my fiancée is ready to kick your ass. Let’s go. I’m taking you home.”
“To what,” I laugh. “To the fact she could die and the baby might die too. What’s the point?”
“You selfish bastard.” He takes the glass from me and pushes me. “Did you think for a moment how she’s feeling? This is a life she’s carrying and the connection she’s built with your baby means more to her than anything. When you become a parent you will do anything to keep them safe. Be there for her, man.”
“I can’t!” I scream, fighting the tears threatening my eyes. “I can’t. I’ve lost her so many times. I know she’s sad and feels alone. I don’t know how to help her.”
“Believe in faith and God. Believe she’s strong enough to get through this. You have to let the love you have for her and your daughter be more than what you want.”
I’m hearing him and he makes sense. It’s hard to figure out what to do. I want to be there for her and hold her hand through all of this. How can I be happy knowing she might die and I might lose my world? What if Bayleigh dies and our daughter lives? How can I raise a baby on my own, knowing she’s the reason my Bayleigh is gone? Will I resent my daughter?
“There are too many reasons. I don’t want to resent my daughter.”
“You won’t.”
“How the fuck do you know?” I huff.
“Because I watched my brother go through this. His wife died during labor and he thought the same thing you’re thinking. Now my brother and niece are living a healthy life and he loves her more than anything.”
“They’re the lucky ones.”
“Man,” Damon shakes his head. “It has nothing to do with luck.” He grabs my hand and places it on my heart. “This. This is what’s important.”
I still don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.
Bayleigh
WAKING UP ALONE isn’t something I’m used to. Slowly getting out of bed, I walk downstairs and hear Tyler’s voice.
“She can die,” he yells and cries. I’m not sure who he’s talking to, but it must be someone on the phone.
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” There’s a pause. “Mom, I can’t fucking lose her. I fucking can’t. We can always make another baby. There will never be another Bayleigh and if she dies and the baby lives, then what am I supposed to do with it?”
It. He’s never referred to our daughter as it.
Rushing downstairs, I hear him say bye and stand behind him. I’m not sure what to say or what I should do. Not wanting to think anymore, I wrap my arms around his waist and place my forehead on his back.
“We’re going to get through this. I promise, I’m going to fight and I’m not going anywhere. I believe this is the right thing to do. Our daughter needs you. I need you.”
“Tyler,” I cry with him. “Please don’t think that. You’re stressing out over something that might not be. So we have to be a little more careful and I have to recognize any signs of discomfort. I know that I can’t overwork myself and I need you to be calm. Of course there are risks, but if Doctor Wells is confident we’ll be okay then I’m going to believe him.”
This is the hardest obstacle to overcome. I’m not sure what we can do. He’s on one side and I’m on the other. There’s no way I can terminate my pregnancy. The nursery is done and we know we’re having a girl.
“You’re gambling with your life. There’s a fifty-fifty chance. I’m not a gambling man, Bayleigh.”
“I know,” I whisper. “If Doctor Wells thinks I can’t handle the pregnancy then we’ll see. I have a feeling he’ll see it from my point of view. He’s a good doctor, Tyler. We have to trust him and I’m going to put all my money on him and his expertise.”
“It’s still no guarantee. There’s a risk and that risk is your life. Why would you want to leave me?”
“I don’t want to leave you.” I force Tyler to turn around and look at me. “This isn’t about you or me. This is about our daughter and giving her a chance to live. I will do anything to give her life and fight for my own, but I can’t do it alone. We need you.”
He doesn’t say anything. Our hands are together and we’re standing in the living room. Neither of us are moving or talking. I’m not sure what else can be said.
“I need you to never refer to our daughter as it. She’s a person. Not a thing. Do you understand?” He nods and I let go of his hands and head to the kitchen. “I’m going to make breakfast. You can either join me or stand there. Your choice.”
The next few days are hard. We’re both home and haven’t talked too much. I miss my Tyler. He won’t touch me and he looks at me like I’m going to break. I didn’t want to yell and argue anymore. It’s hard to live under the same roof when he’s acting like this. The doctor gave us strict orders to not travel and having to call our parents and tell them the news didn’t sit well with me.