From This Day Forward
Page 19
He shook his head impatiently and swore under his breath “It’s... it has to do with us.”
Her vulnerability returned in a flash, crumpling her perfect face, and something that might have been fear flickered deep in her dark eyes. He hurried on before she could imagine something too horrible.
“Remember when you told me you didn’t think I wanted you?”
She nodded slowly, reluctantly.
He closed his eyes and sent up a silent prayer for strength, then said, “Well, the real problem is that I want you too much.”
When he looked at her again, he saw she still didn’t quite understand. Or perhaps she was afraid to.
Damnit, why didn’t she say something?
He decided to try a different approach. “After we’ve been kissing all evening, how do you feel?”
She bit her lip, and Adam had to close his eyes for another second. Finally, she said, “I feel very nice. All... warm inside.”
“So do I,” he said, leaning forward urgently. “But I feel other things, too. I feel desire for you, Lori. I want more than just kisses from you. I want to make love to you, in every way. And I want it so much, I’m afraid I’ll frighten you. That’s why I didn’t want you near me tonight. Because I don’t trust myself.”
The color came to her cheeks, and she dropped her gaze, apparently very interested in the pattern of her skirt all of a sudden.
“Lori, do you understand what I’m saying?”
She didn’t answer for a long moment. “You’re saying that if I don’t let you make... make love to me, you’ll force me.”
“No!” he shouted, startling her, but he didn’t bother to regret it. Pushing himself out of his chair, he ignored the way she cringed away from him and began to pace, not even caring that he was limping before her, something he tried lever to do. “No, damnit, that’s not what I’m saying!” he insisted. “I’m saying that I don’t want to force you or frighten you or alarm you in any way.” He ran his fingers through his hair absently as he searched desperately for the proper words. “I want you to give yourself willingly, but you’ve made me so crazy with wanting you that I don’t trust myself to be a gentleman anymore! Can you understand that?”
He was almost afraid to look at her because he didn’t know what he would do if she was crying or something. Instead, he found she was staring up at him unblinkingly.
“And what if I do give myself willingly? Can you trust yourself then?”
“What?” he asked stupidly, unable to believe he’d heard her correctly.
The color came to her cheeks, and he understood just how embarrassed she must be to discuss something like this with him.
“I thought that tonight we should, uh, try to... I mean, I want to be your wife, Adam. I think I’m ready. At least, I want to be ready.”
Adam found it difficult to draw a breath. So many emotions roiled inside of him that he thought he might burst, but he knew he couldn’t reveal any of them without great risk. If he had ever needed self-control, tonight was the night. Somehow, he managed a calm smile.
“Well, then, since I’m ready, too, why don’t we give it a try?”
Her large eyes grew even larger. “Now?”
He didn’t want to mention his concern that she might change her mind if he let her think about it any longer. “We’ve already been waiting a long time,” he pointed out still pleased to note that none of the burning urgency he felt was evident in his voice. “And if we start now, we’ll have all evening to... to enjoy ourselves.”
Plainly, she couldn’t imagine how she would enjoy herself but she lifted her chin, determined not to flinch. “If that’s what you want, then I guess it’s all right.”
He went to her and took her hand as she rose to her feet. Her eyes were clouded with doubts and fears he didn’t want to see. He cupped her chin and lowered his mouth to hers It took all his will to keep the kiss chaste and brief, but when he pulled away, he had his reward. She smiled at him. A small, uncertain smile, but a smile nonetheless.
Then he thought of the logistics of going to the bedroom and undressing and... “Perhaps I should call Sudie to help you, uh, get ready,” he suggested.
Relief flickered across her face. “Yes, I... that’s a good idea. I... I won’t take long,” she promised.
Adam hoped not. And after that, he wanted to take all night.
***
Lori stared at her reflection in the mirror and tried to imagine what Adam would be feeling when he saw her. She was bathed and perfumed, and Sudie had brushed her hair until it shone. She wore the delicate nightdress she’d bought for her wedding night and nothing else. She curled her bare toes into the carpet beneath her feet and tried not to wring her hands nervously.
What was she so scared of? This was Adam. The man she loved. The man she’d always dreamed would someday take her as his wife. He wouldn’t hurt her. He would never hurt her. Hadn’t he promised as much time and again?
Those promises didn’t do much to calm her screaming nerves or relax the knots in her stomach or still her pounding heart, though. And she actually yelped in surprise when he knocked on the door.
Feeling like a fool, she laid a hand over her racing heart and turned on the stool to face the door. “Come in,” she said before she lost her nerve, then realized that perhaps she should have gotten in bed to wait for him. At least there she should have covered herself. Or would that have been too forward?
Before she could even begin to decide, the door opened and Adam came in. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but it wasn’t this. He was wearing a particularly beautiful robe of some kind of shiny material and apparently nothing else it all. His feet and ankles were bare, which she found oddly more disturbing than the fact that the part of his chest revealed by the vee of his robe was bare, too.
“I sent the servants away,” he said, as he closed the door behind him. “We’re alone in the house.”
For a second, she felt panic as she realized there would be no one to help her. But then she remembered she wouldn’t need help tonight. Not to protect her from Adam, not when she didn’t want to be protected, not at all. She was sure she didn’t.
Slowly, not knowing what else to do, she stood up to face him. The sun had not completely set yet, so she knew she would be as visible to him as he was to her, even though no candles burned.
She watched him anxiously as his gaze took her in from the top of her head to the tips of her bare toes. And she saw the way his chest rose and fell unsteadily.
“You’re very lovely, Mrs. Ross,” he said, his voice sounding huskier than usual. “Have I told you how much I like your hair down like that?”
Automatically, she reached up to touch the long curls that lay on her shoulders. “No, I... thank you,” she said, feeling stupid and awkward and not the least bit lovely.
“Adam?” He smiled and slipped his hands into the pockets of the robe, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “Yes?”
She had to swallow before she could speak. “You’ll have to tell me what to do,” she warned quickly.
His smile widened. “Nothing would please me more.” She hardly had time to register the words when he added. “Stay right where you are.”
He came to her, moving silently over the carpet, and she hardly had time to draw a breath when he took her face i his hands and kissed her.
This kiss was different from the one he’d given her in the parlor. This kiss was deep and full of promise, and when he finally lifted his mouth from hers, she was breathless. So was he.
“You’ll tell me if I do anything to frighten you,” he said and she nodded obediently, making him smile again. “God, you’re so beautiful,” he marveled, trailing his hands down the length of her hair.
When he reached her shoulders, he slid his palms along her bare arms, sending delicious shivers racing over her. Then he caught her hands and drew her with him. She realized instantly that he was taking her to the bed, and instinctively she hesitated. His
gaze was questioning as it met hers, his blue eyes so crystal clear they almost took her breath.
Trust him, she could hear Sudie begging her, and she forced her feet to move again, to follow wherever he would lead.
When they reached the bed, he helped her climb the step stool up to the high feather mattress. Sudie had turned the covers down for them, and Lori moved to the middle of the bed. Not certain she should lie down just yet, she sat up and pulled her knees primly to her chest as she waited for him to instruct her.
But he didn’t, not at first. Instead, he sat on the edge of the bed and began to arrange the pillows at the head into one heap. “Sit here,” he said when he’d finished, indicating she should take her place propped up in the center of the ornately carved headboard.
As gracefully as possible, she slid over and leaned back against the pillows, feeling awkward and silly again and more than a little nervous. She tensed when Adam moved toward her, but he said, “I’m just going to kiss you for a while, exactly the way I’ve been doing the past few nights. All you have to do is kiss me back,” he added with a grin.
That wouldn’t be too difficult. She liked kissing Adam. Of course, she usually did so with more clothes on than this and not in a bed, but she wouldn’t think about that, not now. Vow she would think about Adam’s mouth on hers and how delicious he was and how warm he made her feel inside where she had thought she would always be cold.
He lingered over her mouth, drinking her in with long, slow kisses that fogged her mind so that soon she thought of nothing but him and his hands and his lips. His hands were like magic, stroking her arms and her shoulders and her throat until she wanted to purr under his touch. When his lips moved lower, she arched like a cat, offering him unrestricted access to her neck which he covered with sweet, wet kisses.
When his hand came up to cup her breast, she started slightly, but only for a second. She’d grown used to him touching her there, and the sensations were even more pleasant with only a single layer of clothing separating him from her.
Her body seemed to come alive beneath his caresses. Nerve endings tingled and her blood raced in her veins and a strange heat enveloped her as he teased her nipple erect.
“Lori?” he whispered against the pounding pulse at the base of her throat. “I want to unbutton your gown.”
Vaguely, she wondered why, but she said, “All right,” because she didn’t want him to stop kissing her.
His hands were quick and deft, making short work of the tiny buttons, and when he was finished, she was glad she had consented because he pressed his mouth to the spot between her breasts where her heart pounded out a tattoo of need. She sighed, thinking nothing could be sweeter until he slipped his hand beneath the fabric and caressed her naked breast.
“Oh!” she said, or thought she did, but perhaps the sound was lost in the moan that escaped her lips in the next second. Her breasts had grown tender and more sensitive in the past few weeks, and Adam’s touch aroused sensations Lori hadn’t even known she could feel. Soon his mouth followed his hands, licking and suckling and stirring feelings within her that had no name. As if a silken cord stretched from her breast to her core, she felt an answering spasm deep inside as he teased and tugged. Need hollowed out a space inside of her that burned with wanting, so she felt no fear when his hands moved lower, skimming her hips, caressing her thighs.
“Lori?” he said again. “Open your eyes.”
She did, not even aware that she had closed them. Adam lay beside her now, one hand beneath her head, the other resting intimately on her hip. He looked so handsome, her breath caught in her throat, and he was so close that for a moment...
“It’s me, Lori,” he told her. “You don’t have to be afraid.”
“I’m not,” she lied, although it was only a little lie. She wasn’t very afraid.
“I want to give you pleasure,” he said. “But you have to help.”
She had no idea what he was talking about. He’d already given her more pleasure than she’d ever expected. “How?” she asked.
Her question seemed to please him because he smiled. “I want you to open your legs for me.”
Only then did she realize that her legs were clenched tightly together in silent defense against the invasion she most feared. If she opened them, she would be completely vulnerable to him.
But if she didn’t, she would never be his wife.
“Please, Lori,” he whispered, and for the first time she recognized that his need was even greater than her own. He craved her trust as much as he craved her body. How could she deny him?
Slowly, she opened to him, aware of the terror she held at bay only with the greatest of effort and aware of the wonder in his eyes as he witnessed her surrender.
She tried not to think about what he was doing, tried not to feel for fear she would feel pain, but his will was stronger than hers, and she could not fight him for long. His hands moved below with even more skill than they had moved above, pushing aside her nightdress and playing her body as if it were a fine instrument from which only he could coax exquisite music.
Heat swirled in her, centering in her loins, and when at last he cupped her there, she gasped at the odd relief she felt that he had finally captured her desire.
“Yes, oh, yes,” he crooned to her, as if she had done something miraculous when all she had done was allow him to do something miraculous.
This was it, then, the pleasure he had wanted to give her. Except it wasn’t, not at all, as she soon discovered.
“What...?” she asked as his fingers began to explore her most secret places.
“Shhh,” he said, soothing her, except his voice could not undo what his hands were doing, and they were not soothing her at all. Strange sensations coursed through her, churning up a restlessness she had never known and a need that could never be met.
Her breath came faster and faster, and for one second she wondered vaguely what any of this had to do with becoming Adam’s wife. Then just as quickly the thought was gone washed away on a tide of desire so fierce and undeniable that nothing could stand before it.
She cried out as the spasms of release shook her, quaking loose the moorings of her very soul in the wake of a pleasure purer than any she had ever imagined she could feel. As if from afar she heard Adam’s voice, urging her on, praising her beauty and her courage, until the last of the shudders died away, leaving her spent and sated and thoroughly confused.
“What... happened?” she managed to ask, but Adam only smiled again.
The smile was smug and masculine, and Lori might have resented it, if he hadn’t made her feel so wonderful.
He kissed her gently, reminding her that there was more so much more, the part she hadn’t wanted to think about. “Keep your eyes open,” he warned her. “Look at me. You don’t have to be afraid.”
But she was, so very afraid, because she knew what was coming and how it would hurt. Except he’d promised never to hurt her so why was he doing this? Why?
He rose over her and suddenly she couldn’t breathe. She looked up at the ceiling, not closing her eyes but still not looking at him so she wouldn’t have to see what he was doing.
Then she felt the prodding, that terrible thing, and she went rigid with terror.
“Lori!” he said sharply, making her look at him, making her see that it was Adam. “It’s all right, Lori,” he said, his voice husky again. “It’s all right.”
And it was because then somehow he was inside of her, and it didn’t hurt at all, not at all! Eyes wide with amazement, she watched his face as he sank into her depths. He almost seemed to be the one in pain, and he drew in his breath with a hiss. But she knew it wasn’t pain he felt. Oh, no, only pleasure so acute he could hardly bear the joy of it. Pleasure such as he had given her, and now she was giving back to him.
Her last remaining fears evaporated in the heat of that knowledge. She had power. She had control. And she had the chance to show Adam how very much she loved him.
He breathed her name, and she smiled at the reverence in his voice. “Tell me what to do,” she begged, wanting to know some secret that would bind him to her forever.
He’d been braced above her on his arms, and now he lowered himself until their bellies were touching and he rested his weight on his elbows.
“Just stay right where you are,” he advised her unsteadily, touching his forehead to hers.
As if she could do anything else, she thought with a small laugh, and he gasped in response.
“What’s wrong?” she asked in alarm.
“Nothing,” he assured her hoarsely. “It’s just... when you laughed, I... felt it... down there. Oh, God, Lori, you’re so...”
She never knew what he intended to say, because the words were lost on a groan as he began to move inside of her. He buried his face in the curve of her neck, and his breath rasped in her ear, sending delicious chills racing over her. She clung to him, holding him tightly while he strove and strove for his own release. Once or twice she felt a flash of panic as his weight bore down on her, but she refused to surrender to it, and mercifully soon, he groaned again and shuddered and went still, and it was over.
For a few long moments he lay on her, sobbing for breath as the last of his shudders died away, but when Lori could stand his weight no longer, when she began to feel she was suffocating again, she stirred uncomfortably. He rolled away instantly, but if she had thought to be free of him, she was mistaken. He pulled her into his arms and held her against his pounding heart while he fought to catch his breath.
Her first instinct was to break away from him, but then she remembered this was Adam, the man she loved. The man she’d prayed would one day want to hold her in his arms. She inhaled his musky scent and forced herself to relax into his embrace, savoring the sweet sensation of, for once in her life, actually being cherished.