From This Day Forward

by Victoria Thompson

  Understanding that was all the encouragement she was going to get, she took a deep breath and hurried on. “I’ll always be grateful to you, Adam.” She thought he winced slightly, but knew she must have been mistaken. “Without you, I don’t know what would have become of me... of us. If you hadn’t married me...” She caught herself. That’s not what she wanted to say to him. “Anyway, like I said, I expected I would hate the baby, but... Well, Sudie told me I wouldn’t. Bessie did, too. They said I’d even come to love it in time. I didn’t believe them then, but now that I’ve felt it move...” Instinctively, she placed her hand over the small mound of her stomach and felt the feeble fluttering that told her the child knew she was thinking about it.

  She drew a deep breath to control the conflicting emotions swirling inside of her. “Now that I’ve felt it move,” she repeated determinedly, “I can’t hate it. Maybe I don’t love it yet, but...”

  She looked up at Adam again, silently begging him to understand. But she saw no sign of that. His face was as cold and still as marble.

  “We have to think about the future,” she went on relentlessly, knowing she had to say these things now, because if she didn’t, she might never again find the courage to do so. “Pretty soon people will start to notice. They’ll know there’s a baby—maybe they already do or at least they’ve guessed, but now they’ll start talking about it. To us,” she clarified. “And they’re going to think you’re the father.”

  His lips stretched into the most ghastly grin she had ever seen on his face. “I certainly hope they will.”

  Responding to an overwhelming urge to go to him, knowing only that she had to reassure him in some way, she laid aside the wrapper and rose to her feet, but he stopped her with a gesture.

  “Lori, if you’re worried that I’ll tell someone the truth—”

  “No! Of course not!”

  “Then what are you worried about?” he asked with obvious reluctance. He did not want to have this conversation.

  How could she put it into words that he would understand? “We never talk about the baby. I get the feeling that you... that you want to pretend it doesn’t exist.”

  “Of course I do,” he admitted, shocking her. “I want to pretend that you married me because you wanted me. I want to pretend that I was the first man—the only man—who has ever had you.”

  “But you are!” she said. Only when she saw his surprise did she realize what she had said. “You’re the only man I ever gave myself to,” she corrected herself. “The only man I ever wanted.”

  “Really?” he asked, but he looked more suspicious than convinced.

  “You must know I want you, Adam,” she insisted, moving toward him at last. “I didn’t think I had any secrets from you anymore.”

  He smiled then, a sad thing that made her heart ache because she had no idea what could have hurt him so deeply. “I’m sure you have a lot of secrets from me, Lori.”

  She did of course, the one secret she hadn’t yet found the courage to share with him, the truth about her love for him. Still she shook her head in silent denial, but Adam finally seemed to remember the glass he held and lifted it to his lips, using that as an excuse to turn away from her.

  Once again, Lori wondered what kind of pain he was try ing to ease.

  “Adam,” she said when he had lowered the glass again. “What’s the matter?”

  He looked at her then, and his blue eyes were as cold as crystal. “I’m trying to figure out what you’re trying to tell me, Lori, but I’m not sure I really want to know.”

  She’d known this would be hard, but she’d never dreamed just how hard it would be. “Sudie once told me that you’d never be mean to a child, that you’d never blame it for... for things that weren’t its fault... the way your father did.” He stiffened at that, probably thinking about Eric, but Lori didn’t want to think about Eric, so she hurried on. “She said you’d be a good... a good father to my baby. Adam, I didn’t want this baby, but it’s coming whether I want it to or not. Whether we want it to or not. You told me you would take care of it because it’s the Ross heir, and I let you because I needed someone to take care of me, too. But now...”

  He waited, standing so still that Lori realized he wasn’t even breathing. Finally, when she didn’t go on, he prodded her. “Now?”

  Oh, dear Lord, how could she say this? How could she ask such a thing of him? But then, how could she not?

  “Now that I’ve really started to feel like... like I’m your wife—not just a girl you felt sorry for,” she added when she saw his frown. “Now I want us to be a family. I want you to be a... a father to my baby. Because I don’t want this child to turn out like... like his real father did.”

  Adam closed his eyes, and she thought she saw a tremor pass over him. For a moment she was afraid, more afraid than she had ever been, even when she thought Eric was going to take her life. But then Adam opened his eyes, and all the coldness was gone.

  “I swear to you, Lori, that will never happen.” He lifted his arm, reaching for her, and she came to him then, slipping her arms around his waist. She felt so good, so perfect, in his arms that for a moment he couldn’t get his breath. Twisting quickly, he set his half-empty glass back on the sideboard so he would have both hands free to hold her.

  But even that was not enough. There was still too much between them, clothes and corsets and uncertainties that could only be alleviated when he was inside of her. But the thought reminded him once again that he was not the only man who had known her intimately. He might be the only man to whom she had responded, but he was not the only man she had known. And he was most certainly not the man who had put a baby in her belly.

  A baby he had just sworn to protect. And a baby he knew in his heart he would always resent as a reminder of who had come before him—and why. Because he now knew Lori well enough to be certain she would never have even considered surrendering to Eric unless she had loved him.

  The knowledge was like a knife in his heart, a knife that twisted every time he realized that she did not love him the same way. Oh, she’d surrendered to him, but only because she was his wife and it was her duty. And she had responded to him because he had given her no other choice. But he didn’t know how to make her love him, and he was beginning to fear he never would. Maybe if she’d never loved Eric...

  But she had loved him. The bitterness of it was like gall and he kissed Lori fiercely, needing her sweetness to counteract it.

  She responded as she always did, opening her lips to him granting him access to the depths of her mouth, just as she granted him access to the depths of her body. At the taste of her, his own body tightened with the desire that having her only seemed to intensify.

  When they were both breathless and he had to break the kiss, he rested his forehead on hers, still holding her tightly.

  “You know,” he said, managing a grin, “I just realized that my leg is bothering me.”

  He loved the way her beautiful face instantly creased into a worried frown. “Why didn’t you say something! Come and sit down...”

  “No,” he said, still grinning down into her eyes. “I think I need to lie down. In bed. With my devoted wife by my side to comfort me.”

  He also loved the way the color came to her cheeks as if she were still a virgin, instead of a woman who had known two men.

  “And just what kind of comfort will you be needing?” she asked, smiling shyly in spite of her blush.

  “The kind only you can provide,” he informed her, releasing her just enough so they could walk side by side toward the door.

  She went willingly, but she pretended reluctance with another frown. “Maybe I should call Sudie,” she teased. “She has a lot more experience than I do.”

  “Not with the kind of comfort I’ll require,” he assured her.

  He couldn’t even wait until they were undressed, and he made love to her with most of their clothes still on, struggling and cursing and laughing as they fought with
ties and buttons and pieces of fabric that insisted on being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But at last they came together, and Adam lost himself in her silken heat.

  For a few blissful moments no one else existed except the two of them and the exquisite pleasure they gave each other. When Adam heard her cry of joy and felt her release rippling around him, he tried to hold back, needing to savor this one perfect moment when she belonged only to him. But his body betrayed him and within seconds he, too, convulsed with his own completion.

  When it was over and they were both satisfied, Adam rolled off of her, wanting nothing more than to cradle her in his arms and revel in his possession of her for the rest of the night.

  “You’re mine,” he whispered against the softness of her hair, needing desperately to hear her confirm it. But once again his body betrayed him, and before she could respond— if she did respond—he fell asleep.

  ***

  Lori was so happy. She hadn’t been happy since the day she’d learned her father had been killed in a battle so unimportant it didn’t even have a name. Not until today, at least. Because today she’d found out that Adam loved her.

  Well, he hadn’t said so, not in so many words, but she knew he did. Why else would he have sent her a note and asked her to meet him? She’d thought her heart would burst this morning after church when he’d smiled at her. Oh, he’d smiled at her before. She’d known him practically all her life, after all, but this morning had been different. This morning he had looked right at her, and the smile had made his blue eyes glow.

  She’d been so thrilled by this special attention that for once she’d forgotten to be ashamed of her faded dress and her worn bonnet and for the first time in her life she’d actually felt pretty. And then his brother had handed her the note.

  “Adam asked me to give you this,” he’d said, slipping the piece of paper discreetly into her hand as he walked by her in the churchyard.

  His smile had been so knowing, Lori had blushed furiously and imagined that everyone there must have guessed her secret. But when she’d looked around, she realized no one had even noticed the exchange. No one was looking at her at all.

  Her heart pounding with apprehension and anticipation she’d hurried away, out of sight behind the church and opened the note.

  “My dearest Lori,” it began, and Lori flushed with pleasure each time she recalled how he had addressed her. “I’m sure you must have noticed my great admiration for you. For years I have been satisfied to admire you from afar, but believe the time has come to tell you in person just how much you mean to me. You will make me the happiest man alive if you will meet me by the oak tree that marks the boundary of our properties at three o’clock this afternoon. Until then, I remain your devoted servant, Adam Ross.”

  Lori had read the note so many times, she knew it by heart now. She’d had plenty of time for that, since she’d been waiting by the oak for at least an hour. She and Bessie had no clock, so she had no way of knowing when it was three o’clock exactly, and she hadn’t wanted to be late.

  After the longest wait of her life, at last she saw him. He was riding a horse, coming quickly over the fields, and her heart began to thunder with excitement. He couldn’t wait to get to her! He was as eager as she! She could hardly breathe, and for a moment she was afraid she would faint, but somehow she remembered to draw some air into her lungs, and soon the feeling passed again.

  She wasn’t sure exactly when she realized something was wrong. She should have known immediately, of course, because Adam never rode horseback. What had she thought, that his love for her had worked a miracle and healed his leg? But she hadn’t been thinking at all. She’d been stupid, so stupid, such a silly stupid girl.

  Then he was close enough and she could see for herself. She didn’t have to remember about his leg or anything else, because she could see it wasn’t Adam at all. She should have known then at least, but she hadn’t, not then, because she was so stupid. And because he was smiling. And so handsome. Not as handsome as Adam, of course, but handsome just the same. All the girls said so and would have even if he hadn't been practically the last bachelor left in Texas.

  But handsome is as handsome does, as Bessie was so fond of reminding her, and by that rule, Eric Ross wasn’t handsome at all. He’d lied and cheated and bribed his way out of serving in the army. Everybody knew it. Everybody knew he was a coward and a traitor to the Southern cause. And he was mean. She’d heard stories about how cruel he could be, and how he had a temper that no man wanted to test. How he could be so different from his brother, nobody could understand, but he was.

  Why hadn’t she remembered that then? Why hadn’t she run away?

  But she’d stood there like a lovesick fool, trying to figure out why he had come instead of Adam. Something must have happened to Adam, she’d decided. Was he sick or hurt? Her heart went still with terror at the very thought. That must be it. Something terrible had happened, and he had sent his brother to tell her. No, he had sent his brother to fetch her because he needed her. She was sure that must be it, because nothing less would have kept him from their rendezvous. But, she soon discovered, nothing terrible had happened at all. At least not yet.

  He’d ridden up to her, his smile still wide, so happy, as if she’d come to meet him. If something had happened to Adam, his brother didn’t seem too upset.

  “You came,” he said, climbing down from his horse. He left the reins trailing, so the animal wouldn’t wander, and came toward her.

  “Where’s Adam? Is something wrong?” she asked. Her heart was still pounding, but now it was with fear.

  “You don’t have to pretend,” he said. “We both know why you’re here.”

  She had no idea what he was talking about, but before she could figure it out, he was reaching for her. She backed away in alarm.

  “Where’s Adam?” she repeated desperately.

  “How the hell should I know?” he replied impatiently.

  “But wasn’t he...? The note...”

  “I’ve been watching you for a long time, Lori,” he told her, smiling again. He seemed very pleased about something. “I might not’ve noticed you except I saw Adam making cow’s eyes at you, and then I realized you were all grown up all of a sudden.”

  She was so confused. What was he talking about? And where was Adam?

  “And I saw the way you looked at me this morning when I gave you that note,” he continued, apparently oblivious to her distress. “I knew a girl as pretty as you wouldn’t have any use for a cripple, not when you could have a real man.” He reached for her again, and this time she wasn’t quick enough. He caught her by the arms. She gasped in shock and tried to pull away, but he tightened his grip, making her cry out in pain.

  “Let me go!” she cried. “You’re hurting me!”

  “Then stop fighting,” he replied, holding her even tighter. “I don’t want to hurt you. I want to have some fun. You want to have some fun, too, don’t you, Lori?”

  She shook her head frantically and continued to struggle, but he didn’t seem to notice.

  “Yes, you do. You just don’t know it yet, but I’ll show you I’m twice the man my brother is. I’ll make you forget Adam Ross even exists!”

  She fought him as best she could, but she was no match for him, and finally he slapped her so hard that stars danced before her eyes. Stunned, she could not resist when he forced her backward to the ground. He held her wrists over her head with one hand while he did whatever he wished with the other, touching her breasts while she squirmed futilely and tried to get away, but his weight pinned her in place. He was crushing her and all she could do was scream until he slapped her again.

  The pain exploded in her head, and before she could even gasp, he clamped a hand over her mouth, shutting off her air. This time black spots clouded her vision, and he was just a blur above her through the tears that had filled her eyes. She was going to die, she knew it. He was going to kill her. “Don’t make me hurt you, Lori,”
he was saying, his voice faint, as if he was very far away even though his breath was hot in her face.

  The darkness was closing in on her as she felt her life slipping away, and just when she was sure she would die, he lifted his hand. Desperately, she gasped air into her burning lungs. She was so intent on simply breathing again that she didn’t realize what he was doing until she felt the cold air on her legs.

  “No!” she cried or tried to, but the protest was lost in a cry of agony as he forced himself inside of her. The pain seared through her, threatening to tear her apart, and once more she knew she was going to die. She couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t see and he was crushing her and killing her, grunting in her face like an animal while her life slipped away in a crimson tide of agony.

  “You’re mine now, Lori,” he’d said. “I’ll come back for you, Lori. Wait for me, Lori. Lori. Lori…”

  “Lori! Lori, wake up! Lori!”

  He was still holding her, and Lori fought back, clawing and kicking and struggling with every ounce of her strength until he pulled her upright and shook her, making her open her eyes.

  “Lori, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!”

  She saw him then. It was Adam. Adam, not the other one, not the one who had hurt her. Adam who had promised to keep her safe.

  She collapsed against him, sobbing out her terror while he held her fast against his heart.

  “My God,” he was saying, “what on earth were you dreaming?”

  But she couldn’t tell him, couldn’t speak at all because she was sobbing too hard. She’d thought she was over it. She hadn’t had a nightmare like that in weeks, not since she and Adam had really become husband and wife.

  It had all seemed so real, too, as if she was really there with Eric and it was happening all over again. And he was promising to come back for her because she belonged to him now.