by Aja Cole
“Allllllllright, well, since we’re spilling too much personal information tonight and Keyra’s giving me the mom stare…I didn’t break up with Brandon because he wouldn’t have sex with me. I broke up with him because he asked me to marry him and I was scared. Okay? Okay. Glad we got that out of the way.”
I swat her on the thigh, shocked.
“Oh my god!”
“I can’t be tied down that way. I like to…be free. Date a lot of people. Have fun.” She looks away, fidgeting. “And he did want to wait until marriage for sex…I couldn’t just tie myself to someone without knowing how they were in bed, psh.”
“You literally couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You think that chemistry would’ve been any different adding in sex?” Keyra throws a pillow at her, and she throws it back, harder.
“Doesn’t change the fact that I just wasn’t ready. I had…living to do. And I was scared I wouldn’t be able to do that with a husband in tow. And he was going into the draft!”
“You came back because you got lonely.” It dawns on me, and I lean my head against her shoulder.
“And I missed you. And even queen bitch over there.” She teases, then sobers, taking a breath. “But I did…feel like something was missing and I wasn’t getting it from Richie and Luke.”
“Do you wish you hadn’t left?” Keyra asks.
“Yes, and no. I think it was important because I got to explore and have fun without any real responsibilities…but Brandon is different now. And I think I was part of that.” Her voice is sad, and Keyra gets up and sits on the other side of her, hugging her to her side too.
“Listen, love ain’t easy. But you’re not gonna get anywhere running from the possibilities.” Mickey and I turn our heads to Keyra.
“And what about you? What’s your excuse?”
“My career is the most important thing to me right now, and I’m oaky with that.” She shrugs, then her phone dings.
“And who the hell have you been talking to so much lately?”
Keyra rolls her eyes, sliding her phone to the table. “Always work stuff. Anyways, we’re all going to the first game of the season and that’ll be the perfect time for you to grovel. You can make a sign and everything.”
“I am not.” I scoff, and they both turn to look at me this time. “Seriously?”
“What are you going to do about the tape?” Mickey asks, pushing at it with her toe.
“It feels a little bit like a violation. I don’t know. I’ll…leave it for now.”
“What she should do is just go over there, pull the whole naked under a trench coat move, and everything will be fine.”
“Sex is not going to solve anything.”
“It’ll help.” Mickey drinks from the bottle again and passes it to me. “But for now, let’s drink and let Keyra keep lying about who she’s talking to.”
If you’d told me I’d be cozied up on the couch with Keyra and Mickey anytime soon, I would’ve said you’re fucking insane.
But I’m glad to have my sisters.
Now I just…need to decide if I want more.
26
Harlan
Some days, thinking about slinging a one inch hunk of rubber into the back of the net riles my blood, I feel invincible.
Other days, fuck me.
There’s a hulk basically wearing extra large pillows standing in the way, and the fucker can do splits and damn near backflips on skates.
You know what it’s like competing with that?
When I was younger, I thought, oh - get out there and just hit it heavy, top-shelf.
Not so much.
But I don’t have a choice but to get out of my head. It’s the season opener, and we’re about to go into the last intermission. We can’t take our team in tied at zero.
It’s bad for morale.
I just got the puck on my stick and it didn’t come to me clean. The ice is bad, the pucks flipped on its side and I’m not even turned towards the net.
Where the fuck is the goalie positioned?
I pass the puck off, and get it back.
I don’t have time to look down, settle the puck, look back up and find an open pocket and rip it.
Seconds. Only seconds to make a decision.
I find a nice seam in the defense, and I know Byers is going to jump out of me when I get the pass, so I swing my hips around and pull the puck behind me.
If I take the half-second to put in in front of me, Byers is gonna have a chance to poke it.
Gives me an illusion to the goalie with my body on the other side of Byers, and I release the puck on the other side of him.
Fucking A.
I skate around the rink, celebrating and looking around for what feels like the first time since the game started.
I see a sign that makes me stop on the ice, as the buzzer goes off.
I skate to the glass, grateful my helmet hides my expression.
“#17 on the ice, #1 in my life.”
I meet Kaija’s nervous eyes, tapping the boundary with my stick in acknowledgement, but not saying anything.
I don’t really know what to say. I skate backwards and finally turn, heading back to the locker rooms.
I made myself accept that we just weren’t on the same page, that I guess it was meant to just be a passing thing.
Seeing her here tonight throws me off.
Honestly, I don’t know if I want to take that road again. Maybe we’re better off not being with each other.
Less than three months, right? Barely a blip on the radar. There are more women in the world.
But only one Kaija.
Everyone’s in the locker room so the hallway’s clear, and I keep my head down, thinking.
“Hey man, think I can get a quick picture?”
I jerk my head up, noticing the hallway isn’t empty after all. There’s a smiling black man in a team cap and concessions uniform, holding up his phone.
“Yeah, of course, man. No problem.” I switch my stick to my other side and smile, and he holds up his phone and I hear the click of the camera.
I thought it was the click of the camera.
“Yeah, that’s a gun. Walk with me, let’s chat a bit.”
“You know people are going to notice I’m missing.”
“Oh, I’m not going to kill you.” He pushes me towards a utility closet. “I just needed to send off that photo. Or maybe I will kill you. I haven’t really decided yet.”
“That’s comforting.” What the fuck is going on right now? I don’t feel any fear, just…confused. The door clicks open and I go inside, turning to face him. I don’t know much about how to deal with this kind of shit, but I figure you shouldn’t have your back to someone with a gun.
That seems logical.
“Do I know you? Does someone owe you money?”
“You just had the unfortunate pleasure of dating the wrong woman.” He throws off his cap.
“Delia?” God, I feel like this kind of shit would be about her. Always fucking over someone.
“Kaija.”
“Kaija?” Maybe I’m tired from the game, but my brain is not connecting the dots.
“She hasn’t even mentioned me? Well damn. Gonna have to talk to her about that.” His phone pings and he looks down. “Good timing. You can ask her who I am yourself.” He backs up to the door, keeping the gun trained on me as he pulls on the handle behind him. “You, in the hallway.”
I do what he says, and when I step out, Kaija is standing there.
“You shouldn’t have come.” Me, I have on all this damned padding. Her, she’s got nothing. She’s completely vulnerable.
“What was I gonna do? Just…leave you with him?” She snaps, and I’m taken aback at her attitude.
“Really? You’ve got an attitude now?” I shake my head, almost amused.
The guy shakes the gun at her, motioning her towards me and leans against the wall, holding the weapon casually.
“So, apparently intr
oductions need to be made.”
“Harlan, Psychopath. Psychopath, Harlan.” She sneers.
“Cute. You know what this bitch did? Made me think I was going to be paralyzed so I’d give her answers. Had me good too. Part of me even wanted it. Imagine my surprise when it was nothing.”
“It gave me great joy to hear you whimpering and crying like a child, just for the record.” I swing my head to her. She’s so cool. I wish someone would clue me in, though.
“Will someone tell me what’s going on?”
“I’ll catch you up. Kaija put me in jail, I wanted Jasmine kidnapped for payback, then she set me up for more answers. Now, I’m thinking I should have let those men do whatever they wanted to you. Really fucked you up.” He’s nearly foaming at the mouth in anger, and his eyes are a little too crazy for my comfort.
“You kidnapped Jasmine?” I swing my gaze to Kaija and she doesn’t look surprised at all. By anything.
Damn. I guess I’m the last one to know a few things.
“Put the gun down, Wesley.” None of us noticed Keyra at the end of the hallway, and when Wesley swings his gun her ways and lets off a shot, my heart stops.
Only Keyra gets off a shot at the same time…and they both go down as doors fly open and everything gets chaotic.
27
Kaija
I’d hoped I was done with hospitals for awhile.
This time, I don’t bother trying to hold back anything.
I sit against the floor and cry until I can’t feel my face anymore.
I couldn’t look at my dad’s face…couldn’t be around the rest of my family. Not when I could feel their pressing sadness, the heaviness.
“Kaija.” I jerk my head up, unable to completely see through blurry eyes and I wipe furiously at my face, stumbling to stand.
It’s my mom.
“I didn’t expect you here so quickly.” My voice is raw and my face feels swollen. We sit on the floor in the mostly empty corridor, watching people pass every now and then.
“You know I’m always within reach when it matters.” She says softly, stroking my hand.
“You were still in Jordan when I talked to you a few weeks ago.”
“I came back last week, was settling in. I’m going to be around for awhile, actually. Taking a stateside assignment, and we can catch up.”
“Okay.” I whisper, leaning against her shoulder, and she wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” Her voice hitches and I tremble against her, feeling my tears start all over again.
My heart is broken.
When my head is pounding from crying so much, my mom and I sit in silence and just lean on each other.
“You know, Key told me about your boy when I talked to her last.” She starts.
“Of course she did.”
“I have to agree with her.” She muses, leaning her dark head back against the wall.
“I’m not really ready to deal with that right now.”
“No time like the present. And Keyra wouldn’t want you to use her as an excuse to keep running.”
“I’m not running.”
“You know, I’d hoped that I didn’t scar you girls too much. Visiting, calling, trying to keep that connection alive. But now I wonder if even with all my trying, if I still didn’t get it right.” Her voice is sad and I face her, shaking my head.
“It wasn’t an ideal situation, and it was hard at first. But you stayed open with us, you were honest and part of what that taught me is that you can’t just do things because that’s what people expect you to do. Keyra accepted it better, I think. But I always knew you loved us and you always made time for us, which is better than what some people who see their parents everyday have.” I confess. “I’ll admit I’m a little scared that I’m not cut out for a full family life, what if I start that and then…have to choose the same way you did?”
“I struggled with it for a long time. I made the commitment, I had you girls and married your father…what right did I have to just change my mind? But I recognized myself heading towards a bad space mentally, and your father and I talked and knew that would be worse for you two than being honest.”
“Any family isn’t always the best family.” I agree. “How did you know?”
“I knew before I met your dad, really. But I wanted to fit for him. He’s…one of a kind, that man.” She giggles. A genuine giggle. “Sometimes you meet someone who makes you want to be different, but sometimes….you just can’t be. I don’t think you’re like me.”
“I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I’m tired of thinking about it.” I moan, leaning against her again.
“Okay. Jump. Take the leap. That’s a direct command from your mother and you can’t disobey it.” She uses her stern voice and I smile.
“I don’t even know if he’ll take me back, especially after tonight. I hid a lot.”
“All you can do is bare it all, and let him decide. Then you two talk about it, and you take it day by day. I’m a journalist, I’m always going to push transparency.”
“I’m still scared.” I murmur.
“What did I always tell y’all? Especially while you were going through therapy and you didn’t want to talk about what happened?”
“You always have two choices: your commitment or your fear.” I repeat the words automatically, because they’re basically etched into my memory. It’s really one of my mom’s favorite sayings.
“Right. So you either give in to your fear of not knowing or give in to your commitment to your best life. But you can’t do both.” She stands, holding out a hand and tossing her hair back with a smile. “Now come on, I’m not as young as I used to be and this floor is hard on my butt.”
I take her hand, standing and she puts an arm around me as we walk down the hallway back towards the rest of the family. “Could’ve fooled me, you’re looking a little thick.”
“You get it from your momma.” She teases. I laugh, but I’m still thinking about a lot.
I have to commit to continuing to get better, do better.
Commit.
28
Harlan
There was a lot to clear up, talk to police about, and stories to get straight.
For obvious reasons, anyone that didn’t know the exact details never would.
When I’m free to leave everything and am finished talking to my coaches, my first thought is Kaija.
I have so many questions, but none of it matters until I see her, feel her.
I’d asked Hanson to go because I couldn’t, and he texts me where she is when I get to the hospital and I race there. The attendant nods at me, opening the door, and I steel my own emotions because it’s not about me right now.
Kaija’s standing next to the morgue table, silent.
“I didn’t imagine it would happen this way.” She doesn’t turn to me, just speaks aloud. “I never really imagined it at all, actually.” I stop next to her, keeping my hands to myself even though all I want to do is wrap them around her and never let her go.
I look down at the table and quickly look away.
Not my scene, but I suck it up.
“You probably have questions.”
“Yeah.” I answer. “You don’t have to worry about them right now.”
“No.” She turns to me, turning away from Wesley’s body. “I want to. I got you into all of this, you should at least know what brought it on, brought it here.”
“Can we uh…do it not ever a dead body?” I try to keep my gag back and a small smile lifts her lips, even though her eyes are red and swollen.
“Yeah.” Surprisingly, she grabs my hand and we leave the room, walking to the elevator and waiting for it to open.
I stand there and listen, not asking anything as she tells me everything that’s really happened over the past weeks. Why she was being secretive, her visit to Wesley to get answers, and why she pushed me away after. She tells me about
Bahi not really quitting and someone named Richard Brooks, and how he wanted to get closer to people that knew her, so he began dating the woman who directs the center she and Jasmine volunteer at.
How they’d been keeping tabs on her, how Wesley escaped, and why she hadn’t shared it while it was happening.
She thought it was too much baggage.
My mind is blown. I can’t believe she dealt with all that, and I just thought it was about her not wanting to be with me.
Honestly, it feels better that it wasn’t just about me. My ego can handle that better.
Through telling all of it, she never lets go of my hand.
We end up in a side waiting room, me sitting beside her and her talking and talking and talking. It’s like everything she’s thought and felt, she finally feels like sharing and it’s all spilling out.
“I can’t believe Bahi just…sold you out.”
“They let me meet with her, and I was hoping there would be some reason. Like…they threatened her son, her family…something that would make it feel like our friendship didn’t just mean nothing to her.”
“And there wasn’t, at all?”
“Nope. She just wanted the money for information.” She pauses like she was going to say something else and looks at me, and I just stare at her.
“What?” She swallows hard.
“I don’t know whether to kiss you or walk away.” I confess, squeezing her hand. “I…fuck, that’s a lot. It’s a helluva lot and I don’t know if I’m even processing it all right now.”
“I don’t expect you to. I just…it was only fair that I tell you, because I was a huge jerk about it all.”
“I just wish you’d felt comfortable sharing it with me when it was happening. You didn’t have to handle it alone. That’s what I’m here for.”
“In case you didn’t notice, I don’t exactly let many people in easily. I keep a pretty tight circle, and I just…I didn’t feel like anyone should have to deal with my extra shit.”