by Kat T. Masen
I see Lex make his way through the crowd as well and watch as Amelia whispers something into Andy’s ear. His eyes beam as Lex kneels and says something to Andy.
Proudly, he hands Lex his artwork and hugs him tight.
Andy doesn’t say anything. His smile is worth a thousand words.
Charlie is trying her best not to cry, but her mascara is a hot mess.
Mary Jean’s blue mascara looks like the artwork Andy brings home—a colorful display giving her terrible panda eyes.
Me, well, I’m all cried out.
Barely any fight left in me.
This is my life.
As the festivities wind down, Amelia and Andy busy themselves with some building blocks.
“Thank you, big brother.” I bump his shoulder with mine.
He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in, kissing the top of my hair. “Any time, short stuff.”
I narrow my eyes at him. Sure, I’m short, but he is a man-giant.
“What are you up to today?” he asks.
“I have a meeting this afternoon with a buyer. Aside from that, not much.”
It’s a lie. I have plenty of things on my plate. Things Lex doesn’t need to know.
“So, who’s babysitting, Mama Evans?” Lex chuckles.
The three of us turn to look at Mary Jean. She’s forgotten all about Mr. Lugo and is standing alongside another man much younger than her. He appears to enjoy the attention, her flirtatious smile and flicker of the hair more than a little cringe-worthy. It’s like a car crash—you should turn away, but you want to see how it pans out.
“Definitely not you. I don’t want a repeat of the ass-grabbing that went on at Andy’s second birthday.” Charlie is quick to remind Lex. “You free for lunch, Adriana?”
Charlie is distracted by Lex wrapping his arms around her waist.
“Get a room, you guys. Dry-humping in public isn’t acceptable,” I groan.
Honestly, they are such a pain to be around sometimes. You would think my brother is a teenage boy.
“I’ve been getting a room, by myself, since I have two of the biggest cockblockers to walk this earth,” Lex complains.
“True story.” Charlie laughs. “So, lunch?”
“Yep. I’ll just say goodbye to Andy.”
I walk over to where Andy is playing with a friend. “Hey, pooh-bear, Mama is going to work now.”
He stops playing with the blocks and latches onto me again. It’s short-lived as Amelia taps my shoulder.
“Aunty Ri-ana, look at my ball. Andy, come play ball wid me?”
“You wanna play with Amelia?” I whisper into Andy’s ear. He nods slightly.
Amelia is tugging away at Andy, giving him no choice but to follow her. I watch them walk away until Andy stops, running back to me like he’s forgotten something.
His big blue eyes are staring back at me, and I know this stare. I’ve seen it several times. It’s the stare that makes my heart beat abnormally because the words he is about to speak are words that will stick with me for a very long time, if not forever.
“Mama, Daddy had to stay at work. Heaven was weally busy again.”
My heart sinks deep into that dark abyss, shattering every which way as the reality of his words weigh heavily on my mind.
“Yes, Andy, very busy,” I answer, pushing the loose strand of hair covering his face.
He runs off, and with an extremely heavy heart, I walk toward the exit leaving my baby behind.
Alone in the restaurant waiting for Eric and Charlie, I attempt to occupy myself by playing Candy Crush. It’s the worst game ever, being stuck on this level for like two months. I’m cursing Rocky for sending me the damn request through social media causing this ridiculous obsession.
Ten minutes later, Eric and Charlie still aren’t here. I throw my cell onto the table in frustration, crossing my arms as I wait impatiently.
I hate tardiness.
This time alone isn’t good for me, today’s events leaving me in the biggest funk ever. This is the first of many milestones Andy will celebrate without Elijah. Graduations, wedding—the list goes on.
I still recall his baptism, a request from my parents to avoid Andy living in ‘limbo’ if anything should happen. Then came his first steps, to his first birthday. Each one of those moments brought pain and joy all rolled into one emotion.
How dare he do this to us! I want to scream out loud.
I didn’t sign up for this life. I was born and raised in your typical American family. I had a dad and mom who were the best parents a girl could ask for. My brother was your typical jock, a loving, smart-ass older sibling who had this protective nature over his little sister. Girls loved him, and so did my best friend.
We were your television sitcom loving family. You couldn’t get any more typical than us.
Then I met this boy—Elijah Jean Evans.
I knew from the moment I met him that he was my future husband. So what if I was only seventeen and a virgin? He was great, and we were great together. Elijah filled my life with so many happy memories, and it wasn’t until the first cancer scare did I realize how quickly it can be taken from us. Elijah fought hard, and my brother fought even harder to keep Elijah alive. After the battle was won, not once did I think it would come back, and most importantly, not once did I think my husband would stop fighting. Not even when he agreed to try IVF to conceive a baby.
At times, I’m angry at him, at God, at everyone. And other times, I just carry on as best as I can.
Glancing at the time again, I send Eric a text with a big fat ‘Where the fuck are you?’ Out of all people, he knows what I’m like, and knowing Eric, he’ll come up with some pathetic excuse.
Letting out a huff, I busy myself with an email a buyer sent me about my upcoming spring collection.
Opening a boutique in LA is the best thing I could’ve done for Andy and me. I closed my store in Brooklyn, not because of the distance but of the memories of Elijah.
Back to designing and fashion, I’m in my element, and it keeps my mind distracted. Aside from that, I need an income. Lex being Lex, he offers to pay off my mortgage, but I don’t want to be that charity case.
Since Elijah’s plan was to leave us, I’m going to make damn sure nobody else has to provide for my son. Between daycare and my mom, I’m able to head into the boutique a few times a week, and I hired three younger girls to manage the store when I’m not around. Business is thriving. Celebrities in LA want to wear my designs. The red carpet has already showcased a few of my popular pieces. The demand is starting to build, so at night when I struggle with insomnia, I work on my designs.
I have a plan—a plan to move forward.
Until the day he walked into my life.
Julian Baker.
I have this awful habit of being a fate preacher to those around me. You know, that whole ‘oh, it’s so meant to be that you were in the right place at the right time’ bullshit.
Yes, I’m that annoying friend.
Yet, with my own circumstances, I shut it out. I was having a weak day, year, actually lifetime, the night I harmed myself. I’ll never forget that moment, the pain of losing Elijah even greater than the actual day I lost him in the hospital. For the sake of my son, I knew I needed help, just not from anyone close to me.
Taking that first step was extremely hard. I had to reach out to complete strangers. I didn’t expect him to be there, of all the places. I mean really, universe, what the fuck is that about?
At first, I had no idea it was him. Not willing to make eye contact with anyone as I shamefully sat covering my open wounds, ashamed and embarrassed I had resorted to this, knowing I had a son who needed me. The second time, I thought, fuck it. I’m here to make sense of my life. This fucked-up card Andy and I were dealt with needs purpose. That was the night I showed the world my mistakes. Scar after scar, adorning my wrists, a reminder of what my life had become, and fuck, was I angry.
It was the same night
he first spoke, and, for the first time, I looked into the group and could not believe he was there. Of course, I recognized him, though just like me, his was beaten down. That once-bright and handsome man no longer lit up the room. He appeared paler than I remembered him but definitely bulkier. His arms and toned physique left the drag queen next to him hyperventilating like a bitch in heat.
Okay, and maybe I wasn’t that immune to his looks. I mean seriously, even in his pathetic state, he still owned the room with his dashing face. The beard made him appear rugged, but it only added to his sex appeal.
I knew what happened with Charlie after Lex and Charlie got into a huge argument over the incident resulting in Charlie calling me in the middle of the night in tears. As usual, my immature brother couldn’t curb his jealousy, and it took some serious ass-whooping to get him to see the bigger picture—his wife and baby were saved.
It wasn’t an easy task recalling my conversation with him that night…
“Lex, he saved Charlie and the baby? Why can’t you be grateful for that?”
We stand in the hospital corridor, the eerie silence echoing the heavy breathing coming from my brother. His knuckles are stark white, and he grinds his teeth against his jaw while trying to contain himself.
“Why do you think he was there, Adriana?” he says calmly, followed by a loud bang of his fist against the wall. “Why the fuck do you think he was there?”
I saw the pain he was in by punching the wall to no avail. Fucking hell, now I was pissed off.
“Who fucking cares, Lex? What the fuck is wrong with you? You have a wife and baby,” I yell. “Until you lose them forever, don’t you even fucking dare complain.”
His face softens, but it’s too late. I’m worked up.
Fuck, he has pissed me off severely.
“I’m sorry, Adriana.”
“No, you’re not. You’re a selfish asshole, Lex. Forget Julian. You don’t ever have to see him again. Thank the Lord you’re blessed with everything you’ve ever wanted. If you can’t see that, then maybe you don’t deserve this life.” I storm off down the familiar corridor, leaving my brother behind.
My first instinct was to run, but the sadistic side of me, the ‘new’ Adriana, wanted to have fun and play games, torture Julian with my presence, anything to get my mind off my own existence. I learned at the first meeting, though, not to judge him. He’s just like the rest of us, and we’re all drowning. We wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for that.
I never anticipated forming a friendship with him.
He makes it so easy for me to talk about Elijah, something I miss doing. My family walks on eggshells around me, Lex being the worst. I get it, you know, Elijah’s death nearly cost him his marriage. I wasn’t that stupid, I saw it happening, and part of me knew I had to get better to please everyone around me.
On the inside, I was dead.
And what frightened me is Julian creating a spark in me.
What started off as a game quickly bit me in the ass. Ignore his looks, his generosity, his intelligence, his compassion, and the fact he’s the only person in this world I can’t have feelings for. I’m bound to Elijah forever. Married to my soul mate, who was unfairly taken from his son and me. I’m a whore for feeling a spark two years later for a man my brother loathed.
A man who has a past of being obsessively in love with my best friend.
It was the exact reason why the night he kissed me, I ran away.
I hated myself for wanting to kiss him, for wanting him to place his arms around me and wash away the fear which consumes me each day.
I hated myself for the split second that I smiled when his lips touched mine only to be overcome and wracked by guilt.
And most importantly, I hated myself for crying throughout the night holding onto a wedding photograph when all I could think about was the look on Julian’s face when I pulled away and ran.
It was a bittersweet moment when I learned he was moving to Australia. I thought, yeah, okay, you won’t see him, and all is forgotten, but after the farewell at Hazel’s, I already missed him.
No matter how much I tried to ignore the overwhelming feelings brewing inside of me, Julian is the only person who allowed me to be my complete self. Scars and all.
Not to be caught up in that moment, I said my goodbyes and walked away, followed by a sleepless night. It was around three in the morning when I climbed out of bed, walked over to my dresser, and pulled out the wedding album again. I turned each page looking at the photographs, smiling and remembering the day I had waited a lifetime for. It all felt so distant now. I didn’t shed a tear this time, instead I walked over to Andy’s room where I watched him sleep.
We deserved to start a new life, and it wasn’t that I was looking for a father for Andy—I was lonely. I missed intimacy, the touch of a man on my delicate skin, the overwhelming feeling of having someone bury their body inside you, creating a frenzy within your body which can’t be controlled no matter how much you try to fight it.
I miss having someone who understands my grief and remains patient with me throughout my outbursts.
Julian understands because he’s been in my exact position. He knows how much it hurts to lose someone. Knowing how much he has suffered by watching Chelsea die in front of him, it makes me closer to him. I understand his flaws, his mistakes, and I understand why Charlie coming into his life took the pain away and why latching onto her became an obsession. Anything to take his mind off reality.
Yet, ironically, I became just like him. Latching onto him to numb the pain, but somewhere throughout the storm, what we had ran deeper than either one of us expected.
I’m pulled out of my daze when Eric sits down at the table and lets out a huge sigh. He pats his hair to ensure it’s in place, followed by flattening out his perfectly pressed Dior suit. Today, he is wearing a pale blue business shirt which I recognize immediately from the Prada collection. He looks good, as always.
“Don’t even fucking start, drama queen. You’re late.”
“Take a chill pill, Adriana. I had the worst day.”
“What’s wrong?” My stomach makes a slight grumble as I reach for a breadstick.
“Meh, work stuff, confidential. Where in God’s earth is Charlie?” He grabs the napkin, gently patting his forehead to remove the sweat. I notice the nude powder transferring to the stark white linen cloth.
“OMG Eric, are you wearing foundation?” I gasp.
He places his finger over his lips and scans the room to make sure no one notices my outburst. “You don’t have to broadcast it,” he whispers. “I had a bit of an incident last night… using bleach.”
I scratch my head in confusion. “Okay, um, what were you bleaching?”
“You don’t want to know. Let’s just say I forgot to wash my hands, and I accidentally got some on my forehead causing an allergic reaction. Hence, the need to cover up.”
What on earth would he be bleaching? It wasn’t the hair on his head. Oh gross, it was probably his pubes. OMG or worse yet his…
“I’m sorry I am late!” Charlie strolls in with the stroller and takes a seat. Turning to look at Eric, she notices his impatient stare. “What?”
“I need to speak to you about the case I’m working on,” Eric says seriously.
“Okay, can it wait? I’m famished and have about ten minutes before she starts screaming again.”
“Charlie, I’m on a deadline here. You haven’t been in the office all week,” he complains.
Oh crap. Here we go again.
“Are you kidding me? I’ve got a six-month-old who’s teething and barely sleeping and a three-year-old still going through the terrible twos stage. Oh, and don’t get me started on her diva behavior which has clearly come from your mouth, and I don’t think I’ve slept for like three days.”
She does look terrible, and as an aunt, I start to feel guilty.
“So just get Lex to help? What’s the problem?” Eric huffs.
“Oh gee
whiz, why didn’t I think of that,” Charlie sneers.
I intervene, “Okay, chill people. Charlie, let me take Ava and Amelia off you tonight. Go to sleep, or whatever with Lex… so awkward.”
“Look, I appreciate it, Adriana, but…”
My pocket vibrates, and I know it’s a text. My face breaks into an instant smile because I know what time it is Down Under. Charlie and Eric stare at me while I excuse myself. Eric is quick to open his mouth, and Charlie listens to him. I head outside the restaurant and pull my cell out. I’m giddy when I see the text sit on my home screen.
Julian: You will never guess what they made me eat today… kangaroo. Why on earth would you serve an animal that is part of your national emblem?
I laugh at his text and click on the call button. The odd dial tone, one that has become quite familiar, rings, and within moments, he picks up.
“Hey, you,” he greets me warmly.
“Did you have it with ketchup or a side of koala?” I joke.
“No, they serve it with vegetables, but let me tell you, I’ll kindly refuse next time.” He pauses for a moment. “How did everything go with Andy today?”
Julian and I chat almost every day, sometimes even twice a day. Since the moment he left, there hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t spoken to or texted him. I’m still waiting for a call from my network provider questioning all the unusual activity on my cell.
He knows how nervous I am about today after my mini-breakdown last night. We had spoken for two hours about the whole thing, and by the end, he calmed me down enough so I could catch a few hours of sleep.
“It sucked, but it’s over with. Till next year.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Not having a dad, I know what it feels like. Chin up, okay? Perhaps a plate of kangaroo to cheer you up tonight?” He laughs.
“Gross. I’ll politely pass. I better go, I’m at lunch. Text me tonight?”
“I’ll be in a writers’ conference today but will do when I’m back in.” There’s that pause again, and in this moment, my heart stills as I wait to hear something, words which send the butterflies into a chaotic blissful frenzy.