by Sarah Morgan
“I could probably come up with a few vows of my own.” His tone was level. “‘I solemnly promise to vanish at a moment’s notice and spend weeks somewhere with no phone signal, thereby leaving you incandescent with rage.’”
She wondered if he was sharing that to make her feel better about her impulsive remark. “That made Selina crazy?”
“Everything I did made her crazy. Or perhaps I should say, everything I didn’t do. Whenever I was offered a new project, she’d sink into misery until I began to dread telling her I was going away. If I’d told her I was going to Antarctica, she would have taken it as a sign I didn’t love her and needed to travel to the nethermost reaches of the earth in order to escape.”
“That doesn’t sound like love to me. When you’re in love with someone you should be their biggest fan. You celebrate each little success, and feel proud of everything they achieve. You encourage them and cheer them on.”
“We’ve already established that you have high expectations.”
“I don’t think so. Not if you’re truly partners.”
“You believe in the ‘two halves making a whole’ approach.”
“That isn’t what I think. I think both parties are already whole.” She pondered and tried to explain. “I believe love is a journey, it’s an adventure you take together.”
“Adventure?”
“Of course. I want someone I can support and encourage and who will support and encourage me back. I need someone who understands that there are going to be times when I stare into space and suddenly whip out a sketchbook or a camera. That there are going to be times when the journey is hard and we have to pick each other up. I want someone I can laugh with, and talk with in the middle of the night. I want to admire and respect them. Most of all I want someone who gets me. I can’t take the journey of a lifetime with someone who doesn’t get me.”
The only sound was the lonely call of a bird somewhere in the forest.
She stood there, frozen into stillness, realizing that the only person she wanted to make that journey with was him. She thought about how he’d been there for her every step of the way over the past few weeks. About the way they’d laughed and talked about everything. The way he was happy to be still and enjoy the outdoors while she took endless photos, and how he never complained about the way she looked or told her to hurry up.
Because she hadn’t been trying to impress him or please him, never once had she tried to be anything other than herself. And that, she thought, was true intimacy. Revealing yourself fully, living life honestly with someone, was intimacy.
She’d stayed with Richard hoping she’d fall in love with him, even sometimes wondering if she was, but she knew now that falling in love wasn’t about how much time you spent with someone but how being with them made you feel.
And being with Alec made her feel good.
He touched her face with his hand, his expression quizzical. “What’s wrong?”
It was typical of him that he’d noticed the shift in her mood and typical that he would ask.
There was so much she wanted to say to him, and she couldn’t say any of it.
She’d promised him, hadn’t she, right back at the beginning that she wouldn’t fall in love.
That this wouldn’t happen.
Her heart felt too full for her chest. So full it was almost too much to bear.
This was it. This was how it felt.
Now she knew.
And she also knew there was nothing she could do about it.
“Nothing is wrong.” She forced the words through dry lips, knowing that he’d be horrified if he could read her mind. “We should go back.”
ALEC SPRAWLED IN the chair in his office.
His laptop gazed back at him accusingly, the document untouched.
What the hell was he doing?
He should never have brought Skylar here. He’d been careful to avoid any romantic entanglements and keep his relationships simple, and yet somehow this “simple” relationship had turned into something different.
There was nothing simple about it.
Instead of working, he found himself thinking about her all the time.
Like now.
With a soft curse he hit a key and tried to focus on the screen, but instead of seeing his work, he saw her face. Her smile.
It was supposed to be all about sex, but at some point that had progressed to fun and sex and from there it had moved on to fun and sex and friendship. And over that time he’d learned a great deal about her. He’d learned that although she was beautiful, she wasn’t at all focused on her appearance. That she was equally happy in an oversize down jacket as she’d been in that incredible silver dress the night of her exhibition. That she was exceptionally creative, but lacked the basic insecurity that plagued so many creative types.
He knew she was happy in a crowd, but equally happy on her own and, like him, she could easily lose track of time when she was working on a project. Usually when he was with someone, he needed his own space, but with Sky he’d never once felt trapped.
She talked, sometimes with no filter, but she was also a good listener.
He’d shared with her, he realized, more than he’d ever shared with a woman.
And it was time to face the truth.
She had feelings for him.
He knew enough about women to know she had feelings for him.
Giving up on work, he went in search of her and found her in her favorite place—the window seat in the garden room.
“What are you doing in here? It’s dark.”
“I was trying to work but I couldn’t concentrate so I thought I’d sit for a while.” She moved her legs so that he could sit down. “Productive session?”
He noticed that she didn’t meet his gaze. “No. I couldn’t concentrate, either.”
He wondered if she’d tell him how she felt.
He sat next to her on the window seat, his thigh brushing against hers.
It was a situation he’d never imagined, being here with a woman. Especially not one who induced such strong feelings.
“I expect you were too excited about Christmas.” She nudged him in a playful gesture. “Don’t worry, I’ve told Santa you’ve been a very good boy so I’m sure you’ll get everything on your wish list.”
He didn’t smile. He no longer knew what his wish list looked like.
He wondered if she did.
What was she hoping for?
His stomach felt hollow because he didn’t want to be the next person in her life to ruin her dreams. Enough people had already done that. He wasn’t going to do it, too.
He knew he couldn’t be trusted with her heart.
“What’s on your wish list?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“Not even a new tiara or fairy wings? I gather from Ryan those are both on Lizzy’s list.”
She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. “It was never a tiara or fairy wings for me. When I was six I wanted to be a ballerina, but that was only because my parents took me to the Met and I fell in love with Degas’s painting, The Dance Class. I wanted paints. Every year I asked for paints.”
“I thought your parents didn’t let you believe in Santa.”
“They didn’t, so I asked them directly.”
“And that didn’t work?”
“No. Eventually my aunt bought me paints. I spread them out in the kitchen on Christmas Day and incurred my mother’s wrath because we had fifty guests coming for dinner.”
“Fifty? That must have been a lot of studying. Did you ever get it all mixed up?”
“Oh, yeah.” She sat up and removed a blond hair from his shoulder. “There was one Christmas Eve dinner when I asked the CEO of one of the banks how his new baby was doing.”
“He didn’t have a new baby?”
“No, but he’d recently borrowed someone else’s wife. It was a big scandal. My mother had instructed us absolutely not to touch the subject of his social
life. We were supposed to keep the conversation focused on his charitable interests.”
He imagined her getting it wrong, stumbling over the awkward moment when she’d suddenly realized her mistake.
“So if you had to write to Santa now, what would you say to him?”
“Be careful not to get stuck in the chimney.”
He laughed. “That’s all?”
“Santa doesn’t bring the things that are really important in life.”
“Like what?”
“Friendship. Love.”
It was a testament to her resilience that she still wanted that. “That would be top of your list? After everything that happened with Richard?”
“What I had with Richard wasn’t love, but even if it had been and my heart had been shattered into a million tiny pieces, I would still never give up on love. It’s too important. In the end, love is the only thing that matters.”
Alec stared at her fingers, which were now entwined with his. “Even when love causes pain?”
“You only feel that way because you had a bad experience, but what you had wasn’t love, either. You weren’t in love with Selina, and I don’t believe she was in love with you. It isn’t love if you feel you have to chain someone to you. And it isn’t love if you want them to change, or be different, or give up everything they love. You fall in love with the whole person, so why would you want to change that? Take you for example—” she tightened her fingers on his “—you have an adventurous nature, but you’re also academic so it’s obvious you’re going to want to spend time doing that. It’s who you are. Take that away, and you’d be just as miserable as I am when I can’t do what I love.”
She was right that he’d been miserable.
“We made each other miserable.” He hesitated, wanting to share as much as he could so that she understood. He needed her to understand. Needed her to understand that this was something he wasn’t good at. “Her parents divorced when she was young and it left her with a chronic insecurity. When I wasn’t with her, she wanted to know where I was and who I was with—not easy in a job like mine where I might be away filming for weeks. She wanted us to be together every moment of the day, but even when we were together we weren’t happy.”
“You’ve never told me how you met her.”
“We were at a charity event and happened to leave at the same time. I was about to get into my taxi when someone knocked her over and stole her purse.”
“So you were all dressed up in your tux, looking hot and sexy and you rescued her. You caught him? Of course you did.” She didn’t wait for his answer. “So you rescued her and then you took her home, and she wanted you to come up so that she could thank you properly but you said no, because you didn’t want to take advantage of someone vulnerable. And that just about nailed it for her.”
“How do you know that?”
“It was just a guess.” She lifted her hand and touched his cheek. “You rescued her. You did the chivalrous thing.”
“I did what anyone would have done.”
“No. You did what you would have done. And I bet she loved being rescued, didn’t she? And that set the pattern for your relationship. It’s no wonder it didn’t work, Alec. How could it? You weren’t equals.”
“Don’t do that.” There was a bitter taste in his mouth. It was so tempting to let her think that way, to bask momentarily in the warmth of her approval. But then what? That wasn’t honest, was it? “Don’t turn me into some sort of hero because that’s what she did and it didn’t take her long to find out how wrong she was and she’s still dealing with the disillusionment. I don’t want our relationship to be that way.”
“It isn’t. I don’t think you’re a hero. I do think you’re a decent man, despite your attempts to persuade me otherwise. Why did she hate you going away? She was afraid you’d have an affair?”
“Yes, but in the end she was the one who did that.” It was something he’d never discussed with anyone, although his mother had guessed. When Sky made no comment, he glanced at her. “You don’t seem surprised.”
“When we were staying with your parents you said something about not everyone waiting until a relationship had ended to start another. You wouldn’t have had an affair, so I guessed it was her.”
“I walked in on them. She staged it that way. She wanted to make me jealous.” He thought about that night. About the emotions that had flowed through him. “Why are you so sure I wouldn’t have had one?”
“Because that’s not your style. You’re straight and honest. And you’re an adult. If a relationship wasn’t working for you anymore, you’d say so. You’re strong enough to say and do the decent thing.”
“I was a difficult person to be married to.”
“Anyone would be difficult if they’re married to the wrong person. She wasn’t the only one who was hurt. You were hurt, too.”
He sat for a moment, silent, knowing that it was important that she knew the truth. “I wasn’t hurt, I was relieved, Sky. When I saw her with him, I was relieved. That was the moment I knew it was over and she knew it, too.”
“You were hurt, Alec. Maybe not by the affair, but before that by all the small things she did—or didn’t do. Somehow she managed to convince you that you can’t make anyone happy. That you’re better off on your own.”
“I am. I’m selfish. Far too selfish to make a commitment like that. I don’t want to be responsible for another person’s happiness. I want to be able to leave at a moment’s notice and travel wherever I want. I want to be able to spend a week with my nose in a book and not apologize for it. I want to work through the night when a book is going well, and I want to talk about travel, history, writing—the things that interest me, not parties and celebrities and who is dating who. That doesn’t interest me.” His voice was rough. Brutal as he spelled it out. “I really am better off on my own.”
He was delivering a warning and he hoped she was listening.
“If you were selfish, you wouldn’t have come looking for me that night in London. You would have carried on with your life, as Richard did. You only came to my exhibition to please Brit. You didn’t even like me, but you refused to leave me. You stayed with me, and then you refused to let me stay on my own, and that was even though you were remembering what happened last time you helped a woman in trouble.”
“You’re nothing like my ex-wife.” Now that he knew Skylar he couldn’t imagine how he’d ever thought it.
“You are letting her affect the way you live your life, Alec. And that’s crap. If you’re caught in a storm when you’re sailing, do you never take the boat out again?” She nudged him with her elbow. “So what do you think, Shipwreck Hunter? Maybe your New Year’s resolution should be to get laid in as many positions possible with as many gorgeous women as possible in the hope you might meet someone interesting.”
For some reason that didn’t sound remotely appealing.
“I don’t think so.”
“Kirsti and I will vet them for you. Only women who love the outdoors and can wrestle a wild boar with their bare hands.” She paused. “Promise me you’ll get out there? I don’t want you to live your life alone.”
“What about you? What’s your New Year’s resolution?”
There was a brief silence and then she gave him her trademark megawatt smile. “I’m going to live life boldly, being me. And hopefully somewhere down the line I will meet a guy who thinks there are worse ways to die than being strangled in his sleep by my hair.”
Alec found himself hoping she didn’t meet that guy soon.
He wanted her to be happy, but he didn’t want to think about her smiling and laughing with another man.
What did that say about him?
That he was exactly what his ex-wife had said he was. Selfish.
HARBOR HOUSE GLEAMED with lights and festive greenery and Emily was deep in preparations for Christmas.
The kitchen smelled of baking and was covered with bowls, spatulas and trays of cookies
cooling. The table was spread with paper and Lizzy was painting, her face a picture of concentration as she shook glitter over the page.
“I love that.” Sky took a closer look. “It’s the island. And there’s the Captain Hook, all decorated for the holidays. And is this Alec’s House?” She pointed to a lopsided house with a seagull next to it. “Do you need help finishing it?”
Lizzy reached for the pink glitter. “I’m running out of glitter.”
“I might be able to help with that.” Sky delved into her bag. “Glitter. In four different colors.”
Lizzy’s face brightened. “You’re the best.”
Emily closed her eyes. “Have I told you lately how much I hate you? The last glitter you gave her ended up in the shower. Ryan sparkled every time he went to work.”
Lizzy focused on the page, her tongue caught between her teeth as she drew carefully.
“But she’s loving it.” Sky spread the tubes of glitter on the table and put her bag down. “And creativity should never be stifled. Are you feeling better, Em?”
She was desperate to talk to her friend, but she knew there was no chance while Lizzy was there.
“Pretty much.” Emily had her head down, helping Lizzy, and Sky reached for the bowl of cranberries from the table.
“These are pretty. Like jewels.”
“Have you had any ideas for your new collection?”
“A few. Nothing final.”
The next step was to get back to her studio in New York and start work.
But that would mean leaving Puffin Island.
And Alec.
And she didn’t want to do that until the very last minute.
She wanted to make the most of every moment.
She sat down at the table, staring at Alec’s cottage in the drawing.
Leaving it would be a wrench, but nowhere near as much of a wrench as leaving him.
The conversation the night before had been difficult because up until now she’d never had to hide her feelings from him. Their honesty was one of the things she’d loved most about their relationship.
What if he guessed? What if she couldn’t hide the way she felt?