Accepted Fate

by Charisse Spiers

  He smiles pressing his forehead to mine, "Where have you been all my life Kinzleigh Baker? It figures I would meet a girl version of myself and then never see you again." When he kisses me, the emotion behind that kiss is overwhelming.

  Wrapping his arm around my back to hold me against him, he turns laying me back down against the bed. He unhooks the stockings from the garter and rolls each one, individually down my legs. He throws them over his shoulder and hooks each index finger inside the belt and my thong, pulling them down my legs in unison, until they are completely removed. I feel like I'm about to pass out from the nervousness. I've never been laid out bared like this before the eyes of someone.

  I press my legs together, feeling vulnerable. He shakes his head at me, opening them at the knees. "I want to see you; all of you." I'm beginning to shake and it's not from being cold. I feel like I can barely breathe. I'm afraid of it being the onset of a panic attack. I look up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm down. He touches his hand under my breast where my heart is pounding excessively; my breath coming out in short bursts.

  He comes to rest between my legs and kisses me softly. "Damn baby, you're shaking. Look at me." I look at him as he asked and he is directly above me looking down. He is holding himself off of me. "I won't do anything you don't want to do, okay? Just say the word and we'll stop." His voice is already calming me down.

  "I'm okay. I'm just nervous." He leans to the side, holding his body on his left forearm and removes his boxers with his right hand. I look down at him as he searches for the condom on the bed. My eyes widen at the sight before me. Oh gosh. I start to panic all over again. I try to calm myself before he notices. I will not do this again. It's humiliating. I have never seen one before, except a few times when Presley has tried to show me a photo of one to tease me. I'm not sure what would be classified as big or small, but I'm pretty sure what I just witnessed was every boy's dream size. Now I'm starting to worry about the pain that Presley mentioned.

  He pulls the condom wrapper between his teeth, tearing it at the edge. The word Magnum across the wrapper answers my question. Maybe it works like a needle; out of sight out of mind. I try to concentrate on him instead. He removes the condom from the wrapper and slightly unrolls it on the tip of his thumb. His hand disappears from my direct line of vision. He spreads my legs with his knee and rubs his finger down below; touching me in my most private spot. I can't even describe the way it feels as he slips one finger inside. "Damn, you're tight. It's snug on my finger and I'm a lot bigger. Are you sure you want to do this baby?"

  I nod and grab him behind the head, pulling him down to kiss me. I never thought I would like to be called baby but something about it being from him makes it okay. "Just go slow. I don't know what I'm doing so it may not be that great for you." I always hear girl talks about guys favoring girls that know what they are doing in the bedroom.

  "Are you really worried about it not being good for me?"

  "Maybe, don't guys like the girl to be on top and all?"

  He settles back directly above me looking me straight in the eyes. Grabbing my chin in his fingers, he angles my face to look at him. "Look at me. Anything you have heard from a girl about what guys like, forget it. Girls that get around are only used for one thing: convenience. A girl like you is what every guy dreams of." He kisses me from my forehead to my nose and down to my lips. I will never get used to the way I feel around him. It's a powerful emotion and a scary one. He kisses me soft and low, marking me his. No other kiss will ever come close in comparison. He moves one hand down my neck and over my breasts, leaving excitement visibly behind. Once his hand is no longer visible, I feel a round tip swirl in the area down below being rubbed up and down against me. This is it. It's hard to enjoy the kissing with all these stupid nerves.

  Just then he pushes in slightly and releases my lips. That wasn't so bad. "You ready baby?" Ready? Ready for what?

  "What do you mean? What did you just do?" He smiles and kisses my lips briefly.

  "That was just the tip baby. Do you want me to stop?" I shake my head for him to continue. He grabs my lips in a hurry and before I have time to think he thrusts forward. I feel a tear. One word enters my mind: pain. A searing, burning pain. I want to cry and scream out but I will not let myself. I've never been great about enduring physical pain; just blocking out the emotional.

  Once he has filled me to capacity, he stops and looks down at me. A tear trickles down each side of my face. "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Do you want me to pull out?" He looks truly concerned but I can't think of anything but the pain. Oh the pain. It throbs with my pulse. He begins rubbing my hair. "Baby, talk to me. Hell, I'll stop."

  Before he moves I grab his face and look him in the eyes. "No, just give me a minute. Okay?" He nods and wipes a tear from my face.

  "I don't like seeing you in pain, Kinzleigh. This is messing with my head. It's not worth it if you're in pain. I can pull out." My body must be over the initial shock because the pain has worn down and has been replaced with desire to continue.

  I grab his waist and hold him between my legs, spreading them wider to accommodate his size. "I'm fine Breyson; I just wasn't prepared for that amount of pain. I was warned but I didn't listen. It's not so bad now, but I need you to move. Sitting here isn't enough. I need friction." He scans my face, obviously trying to read my emotions. When he can tell that I'm serious, he starts to smile.

  As he begins to thrust in and out, it starts to feel blissful. His eyes never stray from mine the entire time. "You feel so good. It's not going to take me long." I begin kissing him, memorizing the way his lips feel against mine. I'll never forget this day as long as I live. The sight before me will be forever branded in the banks of my memory. He places his hand between us as he continues; touching another private area with the tip of his thumb that I've heard of but never felt. "You remember the pool house baby?"

  He picks up pace slightly, causing me to close my eyes. So that's how he did that? I nod. "Baby look at me. I want to see your pleasure when you go." I open my eyes at the feel of the circular motions as well as him penetrating me. The different types of feelings have me lost in a sense of euphoria. It's taking over my body and consuming my mind. "When you feel like that again baby, relax and let it go." His voice is mesmerizing and just like that the feeling from the pool house returns. I arch off the bed as the feeling takes over. It pulsates through my body.

  I begin moaning uncontrollably. "Breyson." Everything is tightening and my body begins to shutter. It's like everything is going in slow motion.

  "That's it baby. I can't hold out any longer. You're too tight." His voice comes out raspy and low. He thrusts in once more and stills. "Fuck you feel amazing." I run my fingers through his hair. He's breathing hard. I'm not ready for it to be over. For once, I'm terrified I'll never be the same after this. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I just want to feel his lips on mine. I always hide my emotions or block them out completely, but for this once I'm going to let him feel all of me.

  This is it, this is the end of something beautiful. He expects me to come pick him up and drive him to the airport in the morning but I can't do it. Call me a coward, but I can't tell him goodbye. I know I will break down and give him my number, but I can't. We don't live in the same place; making anything more virtually impossible. I'll have to write it in a letter and send it with Presley. I will remember this blonde haired blue eyed boy for the rest of my days on this earth.

  His breathing begins to calm and he looks down at me. We just stare at each other for I don't know how long. He has a look on his face that I imagine mirrors mine. It's one of those bittersweet things. One where it's been more of a dream, but all good things must come to an end. I could never tell him how I feel, but I can show him. Pulling him in, I kiss him with everything in me. For the first time in my entire life and the last, I put myself out there. I put everything into that last kiss and from the response he knew it was goodbye.

  CHAPTER 13


  Breyson

  I can't get last night out of my head and I'm afraid getting it out is going to be harder than I imagine. What I wouldn't give to be right back with her in my arms or buried inside her. She was supposed to be taking me to the airport, but I knew from the look when we said goodbye, that was it. She's not coming, but why? I wish I knew. I'm standing in the driveway of Ryland's house with all my bags, ready to head to the airport. I have already said my goodbyes to my aunt and uncle. Ryland is on standby to give me a ride, but I told him to give me a few minutes to see if Kinzleigh shows up.

  After a night like last night, I know my head is going to be forever fucked up. My mind continuously replays the entire scene, in great detail, in my head as if it's stuck on repeat. It makes me want to pull out a bottle of Jack and manually override the thoughts running around up there and I may do just that when my brothers pick me up at the airport.

  How do I go back to sleeping with easy girls after a taste of perfection? The thought alone disgusts me. I knew better than to let myself have her. One taste and I'm hooked. Something about her has me on edge constantly. I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept staring at my phone like it would make her text me. Before I left her house, I gave her my number. She insisted she didn't want it, but I left it in her hand. The ball is in her court, since she refuses to give me hers.

  I'm about to go inside after Ryland when Presley's white Mercedes pulls in the driveway. She isn't who I expected to see, but I find myself searching the passenger seat in hopes to see one beautiful blonde. "She's not here," she sighs as she steps from the vehicle. "I know that's who you're looking for."

  "Where is she?" It's the first time I've noticed Presley looking bummed since I met her a week ago today. She bends over into her car, reaching in the center console. When she stands to face me, she has a folded piece of paper in her hand. She begins walking towards me not giving anything away.

  "She's not coming. Kinzleigh is not one to get emotionally involved with anyone. I don't know what you've done to her, but I got a call this morning from her in a panic that she needed a favor. I haven't seen her this strung out since her grandmother died. I was afraid this was going to happen..." She trails off and I wonder what it was she was going to say. She stops before me and grabs my suitcase by the handle. Handing me the piece of paper, she begins rolling my bag towards her car. "Come on. Let's go."

  "I don't need a girl to get my bag and Ryland can drive me." I'm kind of aggravated because I'm not a damn charity case. If Kinzleigh wants to coward away instead of telling me she doesn't want to drive me, fine, but I don't need any favors. After all, she is the one that told me this was nothing but a fling so why can't she just drive me to the airport and say goodbye.

  "I know you don't but from the looks of her this morning, I have a feeling when you read that letter, you may have some questions. I'll be the one that knows the answers if anyone does, so let's go." One thing I've learned from my mom is to never argue with a woman. You're a bloody fool if you do and you'll surrender in the end so you may as well save the energy. She places my bag in the back seat and shuts the door.

  Once inside her car, she pulls out of the driveway. "She slept with you didn't she?" That's a way to rip off the band aid.

  "It's really none of your business. I don't kiss and tell. I have more respect for women than that." I look over at her and she raises a brow at me. I should have known that wouldn't work with her. I just nod silently and turn to look out the windshield as the images of touching her and filling her replay through my mind. I've got to get a freakin' grip. What is wrong with me? She's just a girl; one that I'll never see again. I need to release all this pent up frustration when I get home.

  "I thought so," she voices in a low tone. She says nothing more; just watches the road in front of her. I'm not sure what is going on in that head of hers. Women are the most complicated creatures on the planet. They say they want one thing and mean another. I guess now is as good a time as any to read this letter. I unfold it carefully as if it's a rare item; afraid it will disappear.

  Breyson,

  I know you probably hate me by sending Presley in my place and for that I'm sorry. I really did want to drive you to the airport. I tried to talk myself into it so many different times, which is why I didn't just tell you I couldn't, but the truth is I can't do it. I can't look you in the eyes and tell you goodbye. Please don't misunderstand, it's not because of last night and yet it is. I really don't know how to explain so I'll give it my best shot. I knew you would be leaving today, which is one reason I let last night happen. What I didn't realize was the way I have come to feel about you, until last night made it clear. I can't explain these emotions and I don't want them in my life. I cannot let them interfere with all my plans. I've worked too hard to block out any emotional contact to change now. I know seeing you will just make it harder on me and I will cave and give you my number, only making things worse. I will not be that girl, Breyson; that follows a guy around like a little lost puppy. You don't have to worry; I have shred yours so I won't be contacting you. You are a weakness to me I can't explain. A lethal dose of poison injected straight into my heart. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable to that kind of death. I am terrified of what might happen if I allowed myself more of you; like an addiction you can't fight or a drug you can't live without. I am writing this to you so you will know you are the closest I've come to feeling anything for someone and will be the last. Last night I freed my heart just for a while to show you what you do to me, before locking it back up forever. This week has been beautiful and I will forever cherish every memory and moment. I will always remember your touch to my body and your lips on mine. You have forever marked me and ruined me for anyone else's touch. You will make one lucky girl happy someday. I wish you the best.

  With love,

  Kinzleigh

  Without thought, I punch the dash. This is the last thing I freakin' need. Not because of what she said, because for the first time I actually feel the same way. Dropping the letter to the floor, I place the heel of my hand against my eyes. I'm so angry my eyes begin to moisten, burning my eyes for release. What the hell did I get myself into? The one time I have feelings for a girl other than sex, she has to be just as stubborn as me or worse.

  "Are you done trying to break my car," she asks sarcastically. I had forgotten for a second Presley was in here.

  "Sorry. I wasn't prepared for that and it pisses me off." I have to find a way to forget her. I have no idea how, but she has left me no choice. "Why is she so damn hardheaded?"

  She takes a deep breath as if the answer to that question will take a while to explain. "How to explain Kinzleigh Baker is like trying to explain advanced algebra to a toddler. It's impossible. I've been trying to get her to take a chance on someone since we started high school. She somewhere down the line got this warped view of love or hell, even just dating. I've even talked to Konnor about it and we can't figure it out. She has parents that have been hopelessly in love since college and her grandparents since high school on both sides. She has it set in her head that if she allows herself to like a guy, she won't get to fulfill her dreams as if it is a hindrance to be close to someone. I'd have to say though that you are the closest I've seen her come to giving someone a shot. I've told her she doesn't have to love someone to have fun but she refuses to give anyone a chance. Whatever you're doing, you're doing right. I just wish you both weren't so far apart."

  I can tell from the look on her face it's genuine. "Did she tell you where she is moving? I have asked her over and over but she refuses to tell me."

  She shakes her head. "Well she told me the state but not exactly what city it will be. She's been so upset, I'm not even sure she knows. My mom told me. Come to think of it, I haven't even asked where you're from. That's kind of rude of me." She smiles shyly. I can see why Ryland likes this girl. She doesn't take crap off anyone but she is still cool to hang out with and she has a sweet side I don't think she shows much.


  We pull in the airport and it's getting closer to time to go. This week has flown by. She parks the car and stares at me. "Where are you from Breyson?"

  I reach for the door handle about to get out. "Mississippi." Her eyes widen slightly, but she clearly doesn't want to give anything away. I have a weird feeling I know why.

  "Where is she moving Presley?" She looks out the window and I'm getting aggravated. She knows something she isn't telling me. I don't know why girls have this code amongst themselves. "Presley. Is she moving to Mississippi?" Looking at my cell phone, I'm getting impatient because I don't have much time before takeoff and I still have to go through security.

  "Look, I can't say without her consent. If she wouldn't tell you herself, then I can't tell you; no matter how much I want to." She starts to smile and then stops. I narrow my eyes at her. "I'll tell you what; give me your number and I'll feel her out after I talk to her. She was almost in a panic attack this morning when I rode by and she shoved the letter in my hand. I think she even has to take her medicine for it again after this all coming at her at once, so I don't want to make it worse. If I can I'll text the information to you. If you don't hear from me, you know how to find me."

  As much as I want the information, the thought of Kinzleigh having anxiety issues stops me from saying anything further. Once I'm out of the car, I pick up the letter and fold it into a neat square and place it in my wallet. "Give me your hand." I pull a pen from my pocket. It's habit to keep one from school. I write down my number on her hand and I remove my luggage from the back seat. This is probably the one and only time in my life I'm waiting and hoping I get a text or call from a girl.

  As I walk through the tunnel of the New Orleans airport, I look around for my brothers. They are supposed to be picking me up. I texted them all the flight details so they better be here. I am one of a set of triplets. Me and Braxton are identical twins and then there is Briar, which looks and acts completely different than me and Braxton. If we weren't all three males, my parents probably wouldn't have had Brylee but mom had to have a girl.