You Let Him In

by JA Andrews

  My life consists of the same routines and it has done for a couple of years now. The house is always clean, the meals are cooked but I barely get enough sleep, and I am sure this contributes towards my frustrations. Our arguments are starting to put a strain on our marriage. It can’t stay this way for much longer.

  I don’t regret having Daniel because he’s the most important person in my life, but having a child has shifted me and Michael in different directions. This isn’t the life I expected as a mother and a wife. I don’t have fairy tale expectations, but I’d like Michael to spend more time with us. We need to get our spark back.

  In the early days of our relationship, when Michael and I first met, he couldn’t get enough of me. He’d barely leave my side. My phone would be in overdrive with the constant messages. Little things, like, what am I having for dinner, how am I feeling, where should we head out next? He was a little bit jealous at times too. It never bothered me, but random guys would come over and chat me up at a bar on a night out, and Michael used to shove right in between us at the bar.

  ‘She’s taken, mate,’ he’d say, looking at me like he’s come to my rescue. ‘We’re a couple.’

  I miss the attentiveness and all that quality time we used to have with each other. I love him, but one of us needs to make changes. Since he has gone to some effort to surprise me for my birthday, I should do something nice for him too.

  I’ll surprise Michael with a lovely dinner. I’ll try to make it a last-minute date night that might stir up some memories of when we used to go out more. It should set the mood, and we can focus our attention on each other.

  I promised Daniel that we would go to the park today. The swings still scare him, but I’ve told him a few times this morning that Nanny is coming around to see him. He is more excited than I am to see her, but she gives me a break.

  My phone alerts me as I’m scrolling through the stream of Facebook posts I’d been concentrating on: Donna’s sent a text to get the kettle on. I watch her from the window as she throws her mobile into her designer handbag and clicks the button on the key fob to alarm her car before walking up the driveway. I throw a smile on my face and wave at her from the window to acknowledge I’m about to open the door.

  ‘Nanny’s here, Daniel,’ I announce, leaving him playing in the lounge. ‘I told you she’ll be here today to see you, didn’t I?’

  Daniel glares up at me, annoyed that I distracted him from the television. He is fixated on the kids’ channels that churn out quick ten-minute cartoons, but he imitates some of the behaviours on them too. Quite normal for a three-year-old, or so I discovered having asked my friends on Facebook if my child is developing as well as he should. I keep comparing the photos of all the other mothers on social media to me: the holiday pictures, the new house extensions, the jewellery from their husbands. It can get quite addictive, but I’m trying to not be so comparative of my home life with theirs. Michael and I have each other, our home, and we get by. I remind myself that there are others less fortunate than us, who’d give their right arm to be in my position.

  I open the door to be greeted with a hug. Donna is pristine in her designer wear. I don’t know why she insists on wearing her best outfits when she visits. Daniel is only a child, and she knows he loves rubbing his hands all over his food.

  ‘Nice to see you again, Mum,’ I say, ‘I hope the weather holds out for the park. Daniel needs to get out and it would be good to get some fresh air.’

  ‘It’s certainly fresh,’ she interrupts me, walking in while I still stand there with the door open. ‘Where’s Nanny’s favourite little boy?’

  ‘Nanna, look!’ Daniel replies, ‘Nanna. It’s the telly bears.’

  I take another glance at the sky before closing the front door. Please don’t rain, I beg because I am thinking that two hours trapped with Donna talking about nothing other than her successful business will drive me up the wall. At least she occupies Daniel, which should give me enough time to clean the kitchen and bathroom in peace.

  ‘Can I get you anything to drink, Mum?’ I ask, ‘Tea, coffee, juice?’

  ‘No, thank you,’ Donna replies, ‘I’m trying to cut down on the caffeine. I might have some water or juice though, later on.’

  ‘I’ll just grab myself a coffee, Mum, and I’ll be right in,’ I reply. ‘Daniel loves that bear program if you can’t tell already. It keeps him quiet.’

  I already know what she is doing. She’s changing over the television channel to suit what she would rather watch. I know exactly what will happen next, and yes, Daniel starts crying. She can never leave him alone for a minute.

  ‘This fluffy stuff doesn’t educate kids,’ Donna shouts out from the lounge. ‘It’s no wonder some kids are destructive when they only have this to watch.’

  ‘He’s only three.’ My reply is followed by a sigh. ‘The history channels will bore him senseless. I’d rather he was kept engaged than bored and screaming his little head off.’

  ‘But at least he’s learning something,’ she responds. ‘I’ve put on that antiques program. The one where they find old treasures from car-boot sales.’

  I walk into the lounge with my coffee. Daniel has stopped crying, but he seems to be at that age where he has learnt to turn the waterworks on and off to suit; I don’t make much of a fuss of them now unless he’s hurt himself.

  ‘Why would you bother giving up caffeine?’ I ask. ‘It’s not like you smoke, or do drugs, is it? It’s quite harmless really – are you sure I can’t get you one?’

  ‘I’m trying to be healthier, I should resist,’ Donna replies, ‘I’m also trying to lose a bit of weight. I’m afraid of turning into a fat, frumpy sixty-year-old.’

  ‘You’re a few years off from that yet,’ I laugh out loud. ‘You look good for your age, you know you do. I thought about a diet, but with all the running around after Daniel, he keeps the weight off me.’

  ‘I might take up some exercise classes to give Pete a break from my constant nagging about the shop,’ Donna replies. ‘We were rushed off our feet these last few weeks.’

  I know this is my cue to ask, and I’m not about to disappoint her.

  ‘How is the shop doing?’ I ask. Her face immediately lights up. ‘Michael mentioned to me that you were thinking of expanding. You’ve both done really well?’

  Donna straightens her posture as she relaxes on the sofa. Daniel is sat watching the car-boot program on TV, but I take this opportunity to switch back to the kids’ channel. Donna doesn’t question my authority over the television. I’ve diverted her interest.

  ‘It’s going really well. We’ve done better this year than last, but that’s thankfully due to the hotter weather this year. Since we had a great summer, one of the best in a while, we are now also thinking of expanding to Newquay,’ Donna explains. ‘Cornish beach locations have the most tourist visitors, and we can negotiate branded products with our suppliers. Basically, it’s all of the same products with different wording – you know, beach towels, ashtrays, magnets, glassware. You get my drift.’

  ‘What about extra staff?’ I reply, ‘I thought you were going to retire early?’

  ‘We could pay for a shop manager or extend Lou’s responsibilities. We’re almost retired anyway. I don’t ever want to stop working completely and I couldn’t hand over all of the responsibilities to Lou, who manages when we’re away, but it’s just something for us to think about.’

  I nod and sip my coffee while Donna continues to discuss how well the shop has been doing. For a few more minutes I hear about how great they are at running the business and how much she is looking forward to her next holiday. I’d give anything right now for a holiday. Spain, Greece or the Canary Islands springs to mind.

  ‘Talking of holidays,’ I ask, perfectly moving into her holiday home discussion, ‘have you let the lodge out much over the summer period?’

  ‘That’s done really well this year,’ Donna replies. ‘We covered all of the holiday park’s site fees qu
ite quickly. It never feels like a holiday for us when we’re in it. It’s great that it’s close to the shop, but Pete is obsessed with letting it out for the rental income.’

  I smile with envy. I can’t bring myself to ask Donna if we can stay in the lodge for a weekend. I’ve pre-empted her reply telling me they would, but Peter doesn’t want to lose the rental income. Michael can deal with his father’s disappointment and can talk his mother round better than I could. He’s the precious son. I’d better start thinking about going out. Daniel will be getting bored.

  ‘Shall we walk Daniel to the park in a few minutes? He hasn’t been in a while. Only to the one a few streets over.’

  ‘Sure,’ Donna replies. ‘Oh, I know what I was meant to say to you.’

  I shrug, hoping it isn’t something more about her shop. I need to get Daniel ready, which is a job in itself.

  ‘Go on?’

  ‘We drove past Michael the other day as he walked into the Westbridge Central Hotel. You know the one by the main train station?’ Donna says. ‘He was dressed up like he was going for a job interview. I said to Pete, “Look at Michael going in there all fancy.” It’s a few hundred pounds a night. Even we couldn’t really afford it.’

  I’m confused because Michael hasn’t mentioned visiting any hotel as far as I can remember. His office is in town, but he hasn’t said a word. She probably saw him in his work suit. Michael is so handsome in the immaculate navy-blue suit he keeps for meeting new clients. He likes to make a good first impression.

  ‘I know the hotel, but he was probably there on business. He’s been doing a lot of late evenings lately, and said something to me about project work. Are you sure it was him?’

  ‘He looked ever so smart,’ Donna replies. ‘It was definitely Michael. I’d recognise my own son.’ She starts laughing. I don’t doubt her, but I’m wondering if this has something to do with my birthday surprise. I know that hotel has a lovely spa – I’ve seen the pictures on Facebook. I even mentioned it to him, I’m sure of it?

  It’s all starting to make sense now. He’s booked a weekend treat for my birthday. He would have caught me looking at Samantha from work’s Instagram pictures. She’s always living in a spa every other month or so, and Michael did say I deserve to be pampered, so maybe that was a clue?

  How exciting. I shouldn’t be so harsh on him.

  ‘I’m ready whenever you are,’ Donna says, standing up from the sofa. ‘Do you want me to help you get Daniel ready? Is he going in his buggy or walking?’

  ‘Yeah, that would great. Thanks Mum,’ I reply. ‘If you can put his coat on him, I’ll go hunt out his reins. I’m trying to get him walking more and less attached to his buggy. The only downside is he keeps wanting me to pick him up. It’s not far anyway.’

  Donna straightens her blouse and trousers. I’m surprised she hasn’t commented on the clothes I’ve thrown on for quickness – yesterday’s jeans are still clean enough and the top from the wardrobe doesn’t look like it needs to be ironed.

  ‘Do you like my outfit?’ Donna asks. ‘This blouse was from a boutique we found when we stopped off shopping on the way to Dartmouth last weekend. Have a guess how much?’

  In my head I hear the words ‘boutique’ and ‘how much’, so I intentionally compliment her by going overpriced. I’ll keep her sweet.

  ‘I don’t know, but with something designer, and similar stuff I saw on the shopping channels,’ I reply, ‘I’d say about one hundred, one-fifty?’

  ‘Almost,’ Donna says, grinning. ‘Seventy! A bargain, isn’t it – for the brand?’

  ‘It looks lovely,’ I reply. ‘What with the state that Daniel gets me in, I couldn’t wear anything that expensive. It’d be covered in food and mud in no time.’

  We all leave the house – and then what I had been dreading happens. No sooner have we stepped outside, then the heavens open with a vengeance. The rain pours down in sharp, heavy bursts, taking us by surprise. Now I know that my afternoon can’t get any worse. Daniel will be tired, tetchy and disappointed about the park while Donna will bore me about her successful business.

  ‘Shall we just go back inside?’ I ask. ‘Have a nice cup of coffee?’

  Donna doesn’t say a word but nods her head in agreement to signal the end of her caffeine cutback. Daniel isn’t fazed by the rain, yet looks surprised about turning around as we walk towards the front door again.

  I’m going to question Donna some more about seeing Michael at the hotel.

  Three

  Michael

  Jenny is standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine in her hands. I lock the front door behind me as I prepare myself for the discussion that she will have about me being late home. I hang up my coat on the hook in the hallway before walking into the kitchen. I try to think of a few excuses about not texting. I know she’s going to go mad.

  ‘Where’s Daniel?’ I ask, only because the house seems unusually silent. ‘Is he asleep?’

  Jenny doesn’t say a word but glares at me while shaking head.

  ‘I’m sorry I’m late home,’ I say apologetically, ‘I’ve had a lot to catch up on in the office. Those accounts I mentioned this morning were all a bit out of order. I had to work so—’

  ‘I’m so fed up,’ Jenny interrupts me. ‘Your mother’s been here all afternoon flaunting her designer clothing in my face, telling me what is best for Daniel and going on and on about her shop.’

  ‘I said I was sorry,’ I respond, trying to deflect the conversation. ‘You’re looking great by the way – what’s the occasion?’

  Jenny looks at me – severely pissed off. I can see the effort that she has gone to, but she should have said something earlier. It’s definitely not our wedding anniversary. I’ve never forgotten the date.

  ‘Your dinner is in there,’ she says, pointing to the oven which has a tea-towel hanging off the door. ‘I wanted to surprise you with a date night, but you’re normally home by now. It’s ruined.’

  I’m not all that hungry, but – given the effort she has gone to – I’d better pull out the plate from the oven and start to enjoy it. A flash of steam wafts up into my face as I open the oven door to release the heat. The plate is hot, and I can feel the burn through the cloth as I carry it to the table. Jenny downs the rest of her glass of wine with a gulp and pours herself another glassful. The atmosphere is tense – but nothing unfamiliar to us both, lately.

  ‘This looks good,’ I compliment her. ‘You look good too. Thank you, I’m sorry again.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?’ Jenny asks. ‘Why didn’t you reply to my text messages. I left you a voicemail?’

  ‘I was just busy. I’ve been working all day and then I had to make a few calls about those extra jobs I’ve been trying to secure. The signal must have dropped. I didn’t get them until I was almost home.’

  ‘Everything is always about you, isn’t it?’ Jenny says. I think she’s drunk. ‘Do you even think about what I may need? I know you’re trying so hard, but we need you at home too. I might not work as hard as you in the office, but in the home I am always on the go, Michael. I need your support.’

  I throw her a sympathetic look, unsure of what to say, but she continues.

  ‘You know my family live miles away. It’s not like I can even ask them.’

  I lower my head because I don’t know what to say. I’m doing everything I can to spare her the disappointment of finding out the truth.

  Jenny sits down at the table to face me. I had no idea that she was planning this surprise tonight. I’ve let her down.

  ‘I did go to a lot of effort tonight,’ Jenny says. ‘I made you a nice meal, and I asked your mother earlier if she could have Daniel for tonight so that we can spend some time together, alone. I thought it would be nice for us.’

  I drop my fork, and it hits the plate with a cracking sound. I am about to disappoint her further. It’s best I just close my eyes and blurt the whole thing out rather than butter her up. My stomach chu
rns with the anticipation of her response. Why did she have to do this tonight of all nights?

  ‘I have to go back out soon, but please hear me out,’ I tell her, knowing this is going to cause more issues between us. ‘I have a last-minute business meeting that’s very important. I can’t get out of it or cancel. I literally have to eat, get changed and head out the door. Before you say anything, it’s for a new contract. I need this.’

  I can see the colour flush her cheeks as the disappointment sets in. She’ll get over it by the morning, I know she will. The redness in her face is glowing, but I can’t look her in the eyes.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ I continue, ‘I should have text you or called, but I had no idea what you had planned. Maybe we could do this again another night. I’ll speak to my mother and see she if she can have Daniel next weekend. I know how much you need a break. I’ll mention the lodge and see if we can borrow it.’

  ‘It only takes a few seconds, if that, to contact me,’ Jenny snaps. ‘It’s not good enough, Michael. I’ve had enough. You should have told me sooner.’

  ‘All right, I promise that next time I’ll message you sooner,’ I respond with annoyance in my voice. I sense an argument is brewing. ‘The meeting tonight is really important. I can’t get out of it. I have to be there.’

  ‘We both have to make changes. This constant strain is driving me mad, isn’t it you? Don’t you want to spend more time with your son?’ she asks.

  ‘That’s not fair. I’m doing my best,’ I reply, holding it together mentally while the emotion in my voice changes its tone. ‘We’re not in that bad a situation. I know that I have been out of the house a lot with work lately, but I am doing this for us. Everything I am doing is for the benefit of this family. I promise you. Trust me.’

  I don’t know how to redeem myself other than to explain that I haven’t much of a choice. I’m edgy and aware of the time.