You Let Him In

by JA Andrews

  Jenny looks confused. I bet she thought I’d never find out. Daniel might only be three, but he is picking up on her destructive lifestyle already.

  ‘Daniel has been talking about you at preschool,’ I carry on, exposing what I know. ‘He mentioned to me that you have a special juice. I can only assume it’s the wine. I’ve seen the bottles in the kitchen. I can see the empty two over in the corner there.’

  I point in the direction of the cupboards where empty bottles sit opposite a pile of dishes.

  ‘I’m not an alcoholic, Mum,’ Jenny snaps at me. ‘It’s only the odd bottle here and there. It’s not every night either. I’m entitled to a drink if I want one. I am an adult.’

  ‘I managed to convince the teacher that Daniel was referring to you wanting your coffee,’ I lie, even though I’ve openly aired my concerns about her potential drinking. ‘They send their condolences to us all and hope to see you at the school soon.’

  ‘I’m going to have to face them eventually,’ Jenny replies. ‘Apart from you and Peter, Gary is the only other friendly person I bother to talk to right now.’

  ‘Have you been drinking with that Gary?’ I ask, annoyed that another man is snooping around my son’s house. ‘How cosy are things between you both now?’

  There was no other way to drop the hint than be direct. She knows how direct I can be.

  ‘That’s completely out of order.’ Jenny genuinely looks shocked. ‘Gary was here last night. He only came round and helped me with Michael’s clothes and they’re mostly gone now. He’s taking them to a charity shop. I had to make some kind of a start. We’re not drinking buddies, and he’s not cosy.’

  I don’t answer immediately because I’m annoyed that once again, Jenny has failed to include me as Michael’s mother in these decisions. I might have liked to keep some of his clothes. Some of his jumpers I bought him for Christmas. She doesn’t seem to understand that I also might want to keep some memories. I am grieving too. I’m now getting angry because she excluded me. I’m trying not to cry.

  ‘How could you do this,’ I snap at her. ‘Giving away his things. Pete and I should have been able to take some.’

  Jenny remains silent, watching me speak with nothing to say for herself.

  ‘I thought this was something we were going to do together,’ I say. ‘Why was Gary even here last night? You could have asked Pete and me to come over. We’d have helped you.’

  ‘There are still more of his clothes upstairs,’ Jenny replies, frowning at me as if I am overreacting. ‘You can take some. I still have another chest of drawers to clear out.’

  I try to distract now from the conversation about my son’s clothes because I want to get more information about Gary. He was a witness at my son’s accident but I don’t understand all the contact. I don’t know why she is befriending this man or giving him the time of day. I’m going to have to try and meet him to form my own opinions.

  What is she playing at?

  ‘He remembers that Michael was wearing his wedding ring,’ Jenny replies, and her eyes light up. ‘Well, he’s sure that this means that Michael was wearing his ring and it must have come off in the accident.’

  ‘So, you’re still no closer to finding it then?’ I reply drily. ‘Michael adored you. He loved you. You were his life. Jenny, you don’t need his wedding ring to prove any of that.’

  In my mind, I keep thinking about Michael’s clothes. How could she just give them away like that?

  I’m annoyed. Jenny can see that I am annoyed. Pete is sat in the corner and I can tell by the look on his face that he wants me to calm down. How can I calm down when Jenny is not looking after herself? The house could be taken from under her feet. My grandson could lose his home – and all that is in her head is the crap about a wedding ring.

  ‘You’ve lost your husband, Jenny,’ I say. ‘Isn’t that enough?’

  You could have heard a pin drop. Pete stands up from the chair. He is looking angry with me.

  ‘You’ve gone too far,’ Pete says. ‘I think that’s enough. We’re all having to deal with our emotions. We have the funeral next week—’

  ‘That we’ve paid for,’ I say, raising my voice. ‘You’ve given away all his clothes, we’ve had no say in his funeral plans, but you’re quite happy for us to pay for it all.’

  Jenny is shaking. I can see the anger she is trying to contain. Her eyes are fixed on my glare. I had to say it. I know that we’re all feeling the loss of Michael but that still doesn’t excuse her for being so ignorant. At a time like this, and for Daniel, she needs to stand on her own two feet. I want her to find that strength. We can’t all close the world off. We have to keep going. We have to stay strong.

  ‘Michael got us into this mess,’ Jenny replies. The confrontation has her in tears. ‘Michael was the one taking thousands of pounds out of our accounts and not paying the mortgage or the bills. I have no idea what he has been doing with our money. The financial state he’s left us in.’

  ‘Did you look through all of the bank statements?’ I ask, watching her vague expression. ‘How could you have not known? All those letters, all those reminders. How the hell did that escape you?’

  Pete remains silent. I think he’s given up. I watch as Daniel peers from around the door. Daniel is watching us, standing there smiling, trying to take in all that is going on around him.

  ‘I trusted him,’ Jenny says. ‘He took control of everything. I had no reason to disbelieve him. Michael never wanted me to get involved, and he always told me that money was tight, due to his work, but nothing to be worried about.’

  ‘Let’s stop this, right here, right now. For Daniel’s sake.’ Pete interrupts our argument. ‘We have to take this poor boy to his father’s funeral in a matter of days. Whether we have Michael’s wedding ring or his clothes doesn’t matter. None of this will bring him back, will it? We need to remember we are a family. We have to get through this together.’

  For the sake of keeping the peace, I nod in agreement. I bite my tongue and will leave my questions for another day.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ I say. ‘Pete and I, we’re just concerned about you. You aren’t well, Jenny. You aren’t dealing with this perhaps in ways that I would have expected.’

  My voice is softer but I feel better for getting how I feel out in the open. Jenny doesn’t say a word but I want to continue my conversation about Daniel.

  ‘Why don’t you let me take Daniel from you for a few days until you are back on your feet? Maybe even a few weeks. All the parents at the school recognise me now. They know who I am. I can do his meals, take him to the park, feed the ducks.’

  I had considered at first, asking if she and Daniel wanted to move in together, but I don’t think that would be a good idea right now. I might start by convincing her to let us take Daniel, then, when our tensions have settled, she could stay too. It might give her some time to concentrate on getting her household finances in order. At least get the house situation under control.

  ‘What?’ Jenny asks. ‘You want to take my son from me. I can cope with Daniel, he’s not the problem.’

  ‘No, I meant it in good faith. I thought it would be a good idea if you had a break and some time to breathe. Maybe until just after the funeral.’ I assure her of my intentions. ‘We love spending time with him. I don’t like the idea of him being alone and seeing all this upset. It’s unhealthy for him to live this way. Think about it, Jenny. For Daniel.’

  Jenny takes a seat on the sofa. Daniel runs around the living room floor, making his arms into wings. I smile at him, he’s so adorable. He reminds me so much of Michael now that I could cry just by looking at him. The shape of his face, his eyes all come from Michael. He’s his father’s boy.

  ‘We can help with the mortgage too. Pete and I can make a payment to stop any action they might be taking against you. We still have some money in our savings account that might bide some time.’ I carry on, ‘We don’t have much, about £5000. We just want you to think
about it.’

  ‘And I will think about you having Daniel, even if for a few days. Let me sleep on it. I don’t even know where to begin with the house, or the bills. I will call the mortgage provider and let them know I have a lifeline, I just—’

  ‘There is no rush to decide right now,’ Pete assures Jenny. ‘We can help where we can. You only need to ask us, and we’ll be there.’

  ‘We’re his grandparents,’ I continue. ‘He’s safe with us. We wouldn’t let any harm come to him. I was thinking of taking him to our lodge down in Cornwall, we can spend a weekend in the outdoors. Maybe a zoo, the arcades, something different for him. A bit of exercise for us too.’

  ‘Let me think about it,’ Jenny says, standing up assertively. ‘Let’s get him ready for school today and I’ll let you know by the time you bring him back later on. I’m going to spend some time today informing Michael’s colleagues about the funeral arrangements. I need to give my mum and dad a call too. Keep them updated.’

  I smile at Jenny; I hope she makes the right decision. Daniel needs stability and a home. He shouldn’t be exposed to all this upset. My other concerns are what will happen when the money runs out. That money from our savings won’t last very long.

  How will she be able to continue to pay the mortgage on her little income? It’s inevitable she is going to lose the house. I can’t see how she has a way out of this one but these discussions on her living circumstances will have to wait for another time. Something about Michael is bothering me and I’m not sure yet how to get to the bottom of it. What was he doing with all the money he was earning and to leave his family in this difficult situation?

  Twenty-Five

  Jenny

  I haven’t left the house in days but I need this escape. The house is slowly becoming a prison but also the place where I am most safe. I don’t have the concentration or mental capacity to drive myself all the way to the cafes near the harbour but I’ve asked Gary to meet for lunch there while Daniel is at preschool.

  I am shaking on the bus into town and I can’t help but keep looking around me. I am convinced these people on the bus know who I am. They’re watching me. It’s making me feel uncomfortable.

  Why are they staring at me?

  During the journey I send some messages to Samantha and Lizzie. I thank them again for their card and gift. I arrange to meet up again after the funeral. I figure if I send a message now it will keep them off my back for a while. As part of dealing with my grief, I’m slowly unravelling the trail of lies that Michael left behind. I have no idea if I will lose the house but I don’t want my friends to see that side of my life. It’s private.

  Gary is the only other person in this cruel situation who I feel comfortable enough to talk to. He listens to me without forcing his opinion down my throat. He doesn’t make suggestions about what I should do or how best to cope. He reminds me of Michael too with his mannerisms and his attitude. I like that. I enjoy being in his company. I feel safe around him because he understands me. Gary seems very upset about his wife and he knows what it’s like to lose somebody that you love. I cling to him because he’s the last link that I have with Michael, so I enjoy our time together.

  Donna’s words ring true. She is right. I shouldn’t lock myself away in the house and I should learn to find myself again, learn to do things on my own. I know I need to find my independence so small steps like today need to be done.

  After both Donna and Peter left this morning I called the mortgage provider and promised to make a payment at the end of the month. With a few hundred pounds in one of our accounts, as well as the money that Donna and Peter can lend me, it should keep them off my back until after the funeral. I don’t like being in debt to anyone but I need to keep a roof over my son’s head. I’ve decided that I’m not moving back to my parents’ house. It would feel like I am taking Daniel away from Michael’s memories. Starting a new life in Leeds would be like closing the door on my life here. I have my job, my friends, I will make it work.

  The bus pulls over opposite Westbridge City Theatre and I can see the crowds of people walking down the streets, some looking flustered, others casually strolling and it reminds me of when I had no stress, no fear, no worry and would leave the house without a second thought. That feels like a lifetime ago now.

  I still think that everyone around me is watching me. I hate having that constant feeling of being an imposter. I also get these niggling thoughts in the back of my mind. Nasty thoughts that I can’t shift. How safe is Daniel? Could he come to any harm?

  School should be a safe place. I remind myself every day that Donna collects and returns him. If I had the energy to take him I would stand by the school gates all day and wait there until home time, so I know he is safe. Michael walked out of the house that night and then ended up dead. I can’t shift my thoughts from thinking this could happen to my son, or me. I have to protect him.

  I feel vulnerable. I haven’t been out on my own in weeks but I know I’m not ready to go back to work yet. If I can’t concentrate on walking from the bus stop to the harbour how can I focus my attention on my job?

  A small part of me regrets agreeing to meet Gary outside the house but he was persistent. It is strange how we have managed to form a friendship out of Michael’s death. I can’t see how we would have met under any other circumstances. I think Michael would have liked him too. Sometimes, when I tell him how I am feeling, it’s like I am talking to Michael. He’s comforting but I don’t want to give the impression I am interested in him romantically. I can tell he’s lonely after his wife left without any form of contact after their divorce and I think that listening to my grief is reminding him of his loss.

  The cafe is straight ahead, I can see it. It’s a quaint little country-esque cottage-style front with a scattering of tables and chairs outside the entrance. I’m here – at last. I hope Gary doesn’t want to sit outside because I’d rather be in the corner and hoping that no one recognises me. I’m not overconfident. Today is about baby steps.

  I’m standing at the entrance. I can see the staff rushing around tables with cups of coffee and slices of cake. I’m not thirsty. I’m not even hungry and yet I’m trying to appear normal. The woman at the till is watching me as I pretend to look at the menu placed in the window. I feel a hard, heavy hand on my shoulder. I jump and make a squeal of surprise.

  ‘I’m sorry, did I scare you?’ Gary asks. I can smell his aftershave. I would recognise that brand anywhere. ‘Didn’t mean to startle you. Shall we go inside?’

  I compose myself, smile and follow Gary into the cafe. The scent of the aftershave has thrown my thoughts into a whirlwind. I bought Michael the very same brand last Christmas. I tried to find it in the bathroom but it’s missing. I’m a little tearful but I’m trying to take more control of my emotions. I can’t do this in public. I can’t embarrass myself like this.

  ‘Where do you want to sit?’ Gary asks. ‘Inside, or outside. I don’t mind?’

  I’m glad he asked. The question reassures me that I can make my choice without having to explain myself and the reasons behind it. I scan the room with my eyes and spot the perfect table in the far left corner.

  ‘Over there looks good,’ I respond, pointing a finger to the table. ‘Seems quite cosy and more private.’

  I unzip my coat and hear the waitress tell Gary that she’ll be over to our table in a moment. In my head, all I want to do is sit at home and grieve for Michael. I feel claustrophobic, which may be a sign that I’m not ready for this. I look at all the wooden tables, the pots of plants on wooden shelves and a collection of weird and wacky teapots on display across the walls. Michael would like it here. It seems country-esque and reminds me of when we took some drives to the moors and stopped off at a little café on the way. It’s quaint and old-fashioned.

  Gary sits down opposite me. I am still distracted by the aftershave he is wearing and the jumper. It’s exactly what Michael would have worn. He may have even owned one just like it. />
  ‘So, come on then, how have you been?’ Gary asks. He picks up the menu from the table. ‘I’ve been looking forward to this all morning, haven’t you?’

  I shake my head, sigh and wonder if he really wants to listen to my troubles. I still can’t sleep; I can’t find the energy to even bother to get dressed most mornings and the house is looking like a bomb’s hit it.

  ‘I had an argument with Michael’s parents this morning. His mother is such a cow at times. She had a go at me about a few things and she wants to have Daniel for a few days.’

  ‘Ah, she means well though I imagine,’ Gary replies. ‘Daniel is the spit of his father, isn’t he? I bet in some comforting way having Daniel near her is like being closer to Michael.’

  I’m worried she’s become too attached. I’m his mother.

  ‘She’s helping. I can’t really face the mothers at his preschool but I think she’s starting to lose sight that I’m his actual mother,’ I say. ‘She’s his grandmother but she’s slowly starting to take over my life. Total nightmare.’

  ‘You might want to watch that,’ Gary replies. ‘Sounds a tad obsessive. If you need any support, I don’t mind. I can drive you places, or pick things up for you. Shopping, anything you need.’

  ‘You’re such a good friend,’ I say. He doesn’t feel like a stranger anymore, ‘I appreciate the offer, thank you.’

  Gary leans forward. ‘So, we’re friends now. I do genuinely mean it. I can see what you’re going through and I know it’s difficult. Emotionally. I’ve been there.’

  ‘You know what I mean,’ I say, and together we smile. ‘I’m sure Donna is wondering if there’s more going on between us. I’ve told her there isn’t. We’re just friends.’

  Before Gary has a chance to answer the waitress comes over to the table.

  ‘I’ll have a black coffee, no milk, no sugar,’ Gary says, looking at me, ‘and what would you like to order?’

  ‘Just a cup of tea for me please,’ I respond. ‘Milk, two sugars, thank you.’