You Let Him In

by JA Andrews

  I know we are close now. She confides in me and I enjoy our chats. I want to get closer to her. I have had the occasional sexual thought about Jenny too. Especially when I saw her bed after collecting Michael’s clothes. There was a split-second moment in my mind where I thought about undressing her and sleeping with her in Michael’s bed. It’s too soon and we’ve only just become friends. It’s a shame she doesn’t take more of an interest in my life. I had wondered if she would go out on a date with me. I’ve talked it over and over in my own head, telling myself not to be so stupid. Not to be so gullible.

  Now that I have picked the best suit to attend the funeral, I have to focus on everything.

  Everything that I have lost.

  Twenty-Eight

  Jenny

  My mother and father will be here any minute. I’m nervous about seeing them but it will be emotional for all of us. The last time I saw my parents in person was when Michael and I surprised them with a weekend trip up north. Daniel was barely eighteen months old and he’s changed so much in that time. We talked about another visit but life has just got in the way and they couldn’t afford to come down. Daniel had chatted away on many video calls but they can now see how much he’s truly grown. Donna’s got her own way again and will have Daniel for the weekend but I’ve made sure he will get plenty of time with my parents before they leave next week.

  I received a text from my mother about half an hour ago while she was at the service station. My mother sounds excited to see us both; my father has always been quiet – never gives anything away. He works as a postman so his life is usually up early and to bed early. My mother still works in the same biscuit factory she did when I was a child. We were never poor but not well-off either. I had an average upbringing with a happy childhood. I’m glad they’ve managed to get time off work. I know they’ll try to convince me to move back to Leeds.

  I can’t believe Michael’s funeral is tomorrow. It’s come around so fast. If it wasn’t for Gary and his kind nature, listening to me going on again on the telephone after our meeting in the café, I’m not sure if I could have coped. He’s been a real good friend to me lately. A good listener, too. It’s nice to speak my mind and not have my views questioned or judged as Donna does. As soon as I get through this funeral I will need to find my strength again. I have to get my fight back. Daniel will need me; we need this roof over our heads.

  Donna pressures me into trying to let her help. She talks about wanting to start cooking meals and doing the shopping but I am convinced it’s because she wants to keep an eye on me. If she wasn’t so domineering I would consider moving in with her and Peter for a while but I know that the minute I let her help she’ll be trying to control my every move. She’s ok from a distance and I am thankful for how supportive she’s been with Daniel but he is my son. I agreed to let her have him for the weekend but after that I might have to rein her in. Maybe she can have him the occasional night here and there if she’s not too obsessive.

  I know that I have to carry on with my life. I don’t even get any peace to grieve. My head is a mess but I want to take things one step at a time: sort the house issues, sort the bills, get back to work, get Daniel into school. I want to try to overcome this constant feeling of flatness and accept I might never know what my husband was doing with our finances. I thought I knew him but I was wrong. The most frustrating part of all is not being able to have him stand here in front of me and explain himself. His mother, his father, my parents, my friends, all of them have this impression of him as a hardworking husband – but I have no idea what he has been up to. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I feel ashamed for not knowing my own husband. When he said he was off to the office, I believed every word.

  My tears still run down my face as I sit here looking at all my wedding photographs of Michael. Happy memories that I cherish, moments I will never get to experience again. I have found all the pictures of Michael with Daniel and others I took on my mobile phone before uploading them to Facebook. I feel betrayed by him. He must have been leading a double life. How could he lie about going to work for all those months? Going to such extreme lengths as to wear his suits, mention clients and be out of the house all day, every day. What else has he lied about?

  I miss Michael so much at times it hurts. I’ve never experienced grief like this but I am managing to sleep better. The nightmares still persist, as do my niggling doubts about that photograph of Victoria holding him, but I’m accepting that outside of these four walls he must have been somebody else I never knew. The only conclusion I have now is that he was possibly cheating behind my back – taking his wedding ring off to meet women at hotels and handing money over to dealers for drugs.

  Are drugs the reason for all this debt?

  I try not to think about him calling out for me after the accident. Two men lost their lives on a night with so many what-if’s. I have thought about each and every one of them. I can’t change what has happened but I will make sure Daniel grows up knowing that his father died loving him.

  Michael only ever wanted the best for his son.

  I look at Daniel. He is opposite me with his small backpack. I can tell he is excited about leaving the house and I’ve packed all his clothes. Donna is going to take him back home to theirs tonight so that I can have some time with my parents. It gives me a break from having to cook, clean and keep my focus on him. I wasn’t happy about this at first but they insisted. They’re his grandparents and I know they’ll take good care of him.

  Donna and Peter will get Daniel ready for the funeral tomorrow and after it they will take him for a weekend trip to their lodge. It’s only a few days, I remind myself, and it’ll go quickly. I think Donna is focusing all her grief on Daniel. It’s like she has replaced her son with mine. I wish she would take a step back but I am holding off organising and restructuring our lives until after tomorrow.

  I want to get through this funeral in one piece.

  ‘Going to spend some time with Nanny and Granddad tonight, Daniel,’ I say, watching my boy smile back at me. ‘Mummy will miss you, my little man. You be a good boy.’

  I hear a car pull up outside so I lower the television volume. I place the photographs beside the sofa and I stand up, ready to open the door. I peer through the living room curtains. It’s not my parents. Donna and Peter have turned up early.

  Donna can’t help herself, can she?

  They were meant to come much later this morning so that my mother and father could spend a bit of quality time with Daniel before Donna and Peter took him. My mother can’t wait to cuddle him again. It’s all I’ve heard about in the text messages she’s been sending me this morning.

  I open the front door. I’m hoping they notice I’m not in my pyjamas today. I want to make a bit of an effort since my mum and dad are on their way down by coach.

  ‘Morning,’ Donna says, with Peter trailing along behind her. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Not too bad. My Mum and Dad should be here soon,’ I reply. ‘You’re early?’

  Donna can barely look me in the eye. She doesn’t appear her normal self. She looks tense. I watch for a moment as both Donna and Peter compose themselves. Daniel is still seated on the sofa with his eyes glued to the television. He’s been learning so many new words. I keep wondering if Donna knew about Michael being suspended from work. Is she lying to me too?

  ‘I’m sorry we’re early,’ Donna says. ‘I thought we could take Daniel shopping. Buy him a nice little new suit for the funeral tomorrow. We’ll pay for it. No bother.’

  ‘My mum and dad were hoping to spend a bit of time with Daniel this morning,’ I say, though she already knew this. ‘Daniel was going to wear his smart jogging bottoms and a dark blue hoodie. All his clothes are in the small case out at the bottom of the stairs.’

  ‘He reminds me so much of Michael,’ Donna replies. ‘We don’t mind giving him a little treat.’

  ‘I don’t mind,’ I reply. ‘It’s entirely up to you. I jus
t want him back here after your trip so he can spend some time with his other grandparents. They’re family too.’

  I look at Donna. It’s like she wants to get her hands on my son. I hate feeling that I owe them because of the money they’ve paid.

  ‘What time are your mother and father due to get here?’ Donna asks, changing the subject. ‘They’re coming down by coach, aren’t they?’

  ‘They should be here any minute,’ I reply. ‘They got on one of those cheap coaches. They tend to sleep for most of the journey down, then a taxi to here.’

  The timing is perfect.

  I hear the sound of the taxi parking up against the kerb. Two slams indicate the doors shutting, followed by my mother’s voice as she thanks the taxi driver.

  ‘Mum, can I ask you something again?’ I say very quickly. ‘I know that you said you weren’t aware of anything when I asked on the phone the other day but I need you to be honest with me. Did Michael really not mention anything to you about having some time off work, anytime?’

  Donna shakes her head. I scrutinise her body language, looking for a sign or any indication that she knew. I believe her.

  ‘No, I am being completely honest with you,’ Donna replies. ‘He might have mentioned the lodge at some point, but—’

  ‘They’re here,’ I interrupt, as I look out of the window. My mother sees me and starts to wave, ‘Daniel, it’s Grandma and Granddad.’

  I open the front door again, giving my mum and dad the biggest hug. I have missed them so much. We are tearful but I’m so pleased they’re here.

  ‘Where is he?’ my dad asks. ‘Where’s the little guy hiding?’

  ‘He’s in the living room. Donna and Peter are here too.’ My mother will tell from my voice that something is up. ‘They’re going to take him out shopping in a bit. Get him a nice suit for the funeral.’

  My mother looks at me. She is not happy.

  ‘Don’t we get to spend any time with him today?’ she asks. ‘I thought Daniel was at theirs later.’

  I glare at my mother. I’m not ready for an argument. I know she and Donna have had personality clashes before but Donna and Peter are a world apart from my parents: mine don’t own their own business, mine don’t own their own house and mine have always been working-class. Donna, I know, will see my family as a bit ordinary, but we’re not materialistic.

  ‘Can you let it go for now?’ I say quietly to my mother to save a row. ‘You already knew Donna was having him before the funeral and for the rest of the weekend. You have four whole days with him from Monday. Let’s get through tomorrow, for me.’

  My mother nods, while my father smiles and winks at me.

  ‘Ok, Jen,’ my mother says, ‘let me say a quick hello and goodbye then.’

  I lead my parents through to the living room where they fuss over Daniel for the next few minutes. Donna has put on his coat while I’ve put his small case of clothes by the front door.

  ‘Be good for Mummy,’ I say to Daniel as he holds Donna’s hand while leaving. ‘See you tomorrow. It’s Daddy’s big day.’

  I wave them off. Donna turns around. I think she might have forgotten something.

  ‘Is Gary still picking us up tomorrow morning?’ Donna asks while Peter places Daniel on the back seat of the car. ‘I’m really looking forward to meeting him.’

  I know what she’s up to, mentioning his name like that in front of my mother. I’ve already assured her we’re only friends. The agreement was for Gary to collect Donna, Peter and Daniel in the morning and bring them back here. Then, all of us would travel in the limousine together. Gary only offered his help because I mentioned how none of us really want to concentrate on driving. Donna and Peter don’t live en-route to the crematorium so it makes more sense if we all leave together for one journey.

  ‘He should be with you about ten,’ I reply. ‘He’ll drop you back here and then we will all wait for the limousine to follow behind the hearse.’

  I’m absolutely dreading that moment. Another milestone to pass.

  With the help of Donna, the flowers have been organised and the order of service printed as handouts for everyone as they arrive. I shut the door on them and brace myself for the night with my parents. We have a lot of catching up to do but I’m going to have to tell them about Michael’s lies. My mother adored him. She thought I was so fortunate to have found a man with a great career and that we were able to own our own home. She will be devastated. My mother will instinctively know I am worrying about something. My father will rant and rave. He shook Michael’s hand and thanked him for taking good care of me the last time they met.

  Tomorrow is going to be an emotional day for us all.

  Twenty-Nine

  Donna

  Daniel is the spitting image of Michael. The way his inquisitive expression lights up his face brings me joy. All he is interested in at this young age is playing with his toys and watching his favourite cartoons on television. Michael was just the same, only he wasn’t as switched on with technology. Tablets and mobile phones weren’t so freely around in his first few years and they were too expensive when he was a teenager. It amazes me how even at three, Daniel can swipe his way through choices on video streaming apps.

  He knows his own mind already.

  I look at Daniel now, asleep in the spare room, as I draw the curtains. I can hear his faint snores. He is unaware of what a big day he has ahead of him tomorrow. I hope he grows up to remember his dad. Michael adored him – loved him with all his heart. He worked himself to death to provide for his family. It’s wrong of me to think it but I can’t help myself. I wonder whether if Jenny had been less demanding, he wouldn’t have worked himself to death.

  It wasn’t until they bought the house that I first started to realise her expectations. When Pete and I moved in here, we started with absolutely nothing. We had a mattress on the floor before we bought a new bed, we lived without a freezer for a year and we decorated one room at a time rather than all at once. I remember the conversations Michael had with me about Jenny: they needed a new sofa, they needed new furniture that all had to match, they needed a new tv but it had to be a large flat screen one. There was no making do or getting by and nothing second-hand either. Michael had never lived that way in his own flat but he bought everything new to make Jenny happy. He spoilt her.

  Daniel always feels special to us as our first grandson but now he is all the more precious to me because he will be my only grandson. He’s a part of Michael and I owe it to my son to help him have the upbringing he deserves. I would have liked to have seen him have more children because it makes up for my own mistakes. I regret having just the one child. Michael should have had a brother or sister but we were quite poor back then when he was growing up. Michael was an accidental pregnancy and having children is such an expense. Pete and I discussed having one more and we tried at one point but it never happened. We accepted it wasn’t going to be after I had a couple of miscarriages. I couldn’t put myself through it emotionally. I came to accept that Michael was going to be our only child – and no regrets.

  I’m concerned about Jenny’s mental health and I know that she needs a break. It’s obvious and I am glad she has seen sense and allowed us to take him to Cornwall with us for the weekend. It will do us all some good and maybe, with a bit of space, she will get organised with the finances and get her house in order.

  After the funeral, we will take a drive down to the lodge. Pete and I can spend some time away from the hustle and bustle of Westbridge, the neighbours and the shop – just quality time with Daniel. We’re all packed and ready to go. I called the holiday park and asked them to clean the place ready for our arrival. I’m going to see if I can get any more information out of Daniel about what Jenny has been up to. I know he’s only three but he’ll let me know if Mummy has been back on her special juice or if he has spent any time around Gary. That’s my major concern. The weather is going to be dry so there’s plenty of walks we can take Daniel on. He mig
ht even get to see some ducks.

  ‘Nanny is going to help take care of you,’ I whisper to Daniel, stroking his hair because I know it settles him down. ‘Your daddy loved you very much.’

  Daniel remains asleep, blissfully dreaming.

  ‘You’ll always have us, little man. Daddy’s gone and Mummy isn’t herself. She will get better but I will always watch out for you. I’m not going to let anyone I don’t approve of near you.’

  It’s an emotional time for us all and I can’t begin to understand her pain losing a husband but I’m not sure she understands ours at losing our son. Of course, if I lost Pete, I’d be devastated but I’m more independent than Jenny. I don’t really see her as being as self-sufficient as I would be in the same situation but we all deal with grief in our own way. Pete has to remind me to take a few steps backwards at times. I know I can take charge and be a little overbearing but there’s a little boy to consider here. He needs us and I don’t think his mother has her eye on the ball with this Gary. When Jenny mentioned he could take us all to her place because none of us wanted to drive, I was hesitant at first. Pete didn’t really want to do it but he could have. I suppose it’s an opportunity for me to spend some time with Gary. I know I’ll be thinking of my son but I have my doubts about Gary and I want to make sure their friendship is purely platonic.

  I am not looking forward to my son’s funeral tomorrow – but who would be? I’m still in shock but I have to let go of my wishes for him to be buried. I get angry when I think about it. I only wanted somewhere to visit my son. Jenny was so dismissive of our wishes but I’ll have to just forget it. Like Pete says, it won’t bring him back. I don’t like the idea of my son being burnt. I still have bad memories of him in the hospital. His dead body is still in my mind. It’s unthinkable to be in this situation. I feel lost but know that I should be in control.