The Nanny's Christmas Wish

by Ami Weaver

  “Did you look at them?”

  “Not yet. Not here. I’ll wait till I get home.”

  “You okay, Maggie?” Kerry’s question was soft.

  “I will be.” It wasn’t every day you learned the answer to deep family secrets. “It’s a lot to take in, I guess. I’m glad I met her.”

  They talked for a few more minutes, then Maggie disconnected, put the phone on the passenger seat and started the car. She had a lot to process now that she knew the truth and had seen firsthand the damage of decades of secrets and lies.

  She needed to put a stop to it.

  * * *

  Maggie hadn’t looked at the pictures yet. She’d tucked them in her drawer, but was waiting for a truly private moment. So far, in the four days since she’d met Jeanine, there hadn’t been many of those. Plus, every time she thought of the envelope, the mounting guilt she felt over sleeping with Josh threatened to strangle her.

  Josh seemed pretty well unaffected. He’d been polite, friendly, not quite distant. Clearly he’d enjoyed their one night and was willing to leave it at that. Men. She sighed. If only she could compartmentalize half as well.

  For the most part she thought she’d done pretty well in the days since their incredible night together. She hadn’t attacked him again, hadn’t stolen a kiss, a hug, a butt squeeze.

  And in return hadn’t had any of those things stolen from her, which depressed her because it depressed her.

  Silly.

  Still, once or twice she’d caught him looking at her with hunger and longing. She shivered a little at the thought. So maybe he wasn’t quite as indifferent as she’d thought. It didn’t make it any easier.

  Cody’s laugh drifted in from outside, and she snapped out of her thoughts. She’d sent him out in the backyard to play and he was attempting to make a snowman. So far he’d managed to roll a few small balls and stacked them carefully into a child-size snowman.

  She opened the door to tell him what a great job he’d done when he kicked it down using his ninja moves—a bit hampered by all the snow gear—and laughed again.

  She grinned. She couldn’t help it. “Hey, Code, what’d that snowman do to you?”

  He turned around and punched his fists in the air. “I beat the bad guy, Maggie! Did you see?”

  “I sure did. Thanks for keeping us safe. Do you want to come in for cocoa?”

  Cody plowed through the snow with a whoop and a few seconds later Maggie helped him out of his wet stuff. When the kitchen door opened, she spun in surprise.

  “Josh! Wait, is it—” For a second she thought she’d managed to lose major track of the time. Had she wasted hours mooning over what couldn’t be?

  He laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s almost noon. I tried to call but got no answer. Today’s our Christmas lunch at the clinic. I came to get Cody and see if you’d want to come, too.”

  “Maggie was makin’ me cocoa,” Cody said. “I beat the bad guy.”

  Josh didn’t blink. “That’s good, buddy.”

  “Come see. You can see.” He tugged on Josh’s hand and Maggie stepped aside to let them pass.

  Her heart tugged watching the big man and the little boy look out the window. Then it squeezed when he laughed outright.

  “Cody, that’s fantastic. I love it. Nice job, big guy.” He held out a hand for a high five, which Cody happily gave.

  “So. You coming?” Josh turned to her. “It’s good food. I ordered from Mack’s Deli and the staff all bring dishes to pass.” His eyes pleaded with her to say yes.

  Weak thing that she was, she nodded. “I’d love to.”

  She and Cody followed Josh to the clinic. They got out of the car and met Josh in the parking lot.

  “Ready?”

  “I’m starved,” Cody announced.

  Josh’s look was full of affection. “Of course you are. Lucky for you there’s lots of food.”

  “Cookies, too?”

  Maggie stifled a giggle as Josh nodded. “Of course. But real food first. Okay?”

  Cody sighed. “Okay.”

  Maggie followed them through the doors. She could hear the laughter and the music from outside.

  Nerves did a little dance in her belly. She should have stayed home, should keep her distance. Somehow, it constantly proved impossible.

  Marta came right over, JT in tow. Cody lit right up at the sight of his friend.

  “So glad you came,” she said with a warm smile. “Eat up! We’ve got lots. And not much time.”

  Maggie took Cody’s coat and laid it and her own on a chair while Josh guided Cody to the well-stocked buffet.

  “He’s such a good dad,” Marta mused.

  “I agree,” Maggie said quietly.

  “He’s trying to be both parents,” Marta said in a low tone. “That’s why it’s so good to see the dynamic with you and Cody. He looks up to you as a mother figure. He needs that in his life. Josh, hard as he tries, can’t be both.”

  Mother figure. Maggie’s stomach rolled. Cody asked her to be his mom. She’d never said anything to Josh. She’d hoped that Cody simply loved her in the way he loved everyone he knew.

  Not that he truly looked at her as a mom. How easily she’d slid into the role.

  How hard it would be to leave it.

  * * *

  “What a day,” Josh groaned as he sank into his desk chair. They’d been packed with patients before and after the Christmas lunch. Lots of add-ons and not just the ones who wanted him to marry their daughters, either. Something seemed to be going around, and half the kids in Holden’s Crossing had it.

  Maggie. Josh closed his eyes for a second. More than anything, he wanted to be home, with her. Or not. His feelings ran between wanting and guilt and knowing he could never really have her.

  The guilt was pretty strong. In fact, it ate at him more the stronger his feelings grew. This was twofold. One, he’d broken his promise to Lucy. No matter how he tried to deny it, he’d gotten involved with Maggie in every sense of the word. Two, he’d never have slept with her—with her wounded soul and trusting eyes—if he didn’t have feelings for her, especially since she lived in the same house. He knew she wouldn’t take it lightly, either.

  Which didn’t make any of it any easier. He’d decided to run with it, to take advantage of the brief time they’d been given. He really couldn’t say what came over him, just a firm sense he needed to grab the chance if Maggie was willing.

  Oh, she’d been willing.

  He shut his eyes again. It’d help if he could stop flashing back to snippets of their lovemaking. Seeing her at the moment of climax as she shattered in his arms. The curve of her breast in the firelight. His blood heated at the memory.

  One night only. He kept reminding himself, but he had a sneaking suspicion he’d be flashing back to that night for a long time to come.

  He snagged his jacket off the coat tree in the corner of the room with more force than necessary. The tree rocked and he caught it before it fell on him. He needed to relax, to accept how things were.

  Exactly as he told everyone he wanted them to be. Except he sure wasn’t happy.

  Everyone else had left already, except Marta, and she stuck her head in his office on her way out.

  “Need anything?” she asked the way she always did. He shook his head, as much to dislodge his thoughts as to tell her no.

  “All set, thanks,” he said. “Actually, I’ll walk out with you.” He shrugged into his jacket and grabbed his case while Marta waited by the door, keys jingling in her hand.

  “In a hurry?” he asked her, amused, and saw her eyes refocus.

  “What? Me? No. Just thinking about all the stuff I have to do before Christmas.” She held her keys still.

  “It’s still a couple of weeks away,” he said with the cavalier attitude only a guy could manage and thus was rewarded with a sour look.

  “Uh-huh. Exactly,” she said and rolled her eyes. “What are you getting Maggie for Christmas?”

 
; Josh nearly stopped short. “I, ah, hadn’t thought about it.” And that was the truth. Would he be getting Maggie a present? A professional one, of course, but…a personal gift? Dismay ran through him. What was the protocol for buying a gift for someone you’d hired, who lived in your house, who you’d slept with once and from whom you wanted way more than you could ever have?

  It exhausted him to even think about it.

  Marta ran her gloved hand through the fluffy snow on the back of her car and shook her head. “You’d better get on it,” she said.

  “Why’s that?” he asked carefully, not liking her tone. She sounded…reproachful. Like he was about to mess up royally. More than he already had.

  She opened her door and pulled out her snow brush. “You’ve at least kissed her, right?” The question was so casual, asked while she swept the fluffy stuff off her car, she may as well have asked him about the weather.

  Or whacked him with the brush.

  His mind went blank so his mouth helpfully took over. “How can you tell?”

  She sent him an amused look, propped her free hand on her hip and pointed the brush at him. “Because I know you. Because you’ve alternated between holy hell and mooningly sick. Not only that, but you’re in love with her and scared out of your ever-loving mind, right?”

  “Um.” That comment led down a mine-filled path. “I’m not in love with her. I’m not in love with anyone.” Denial, panic and a low, deep-down knowledge she might be right. Hell. He shook it off. She couldn’t be right.

  Marta shook her head and tossed the snowy brush on the floor of the backseat. “I hope that’s not the case. Get her a gorgeous gift for Christmas, Josh. Show her you love her.”

  Gorgeous gift, he could probably handle. Show her he loved her? Well, he didn’t. So that wasn’t possible.

  “We’ll see,” he said finally. “But Marta, I’m not in love with her.”

  Marta regarded him for a moment before slipping in her car, her gaze sad. “That’s too bad, doc. Because I’d say she’s sure in love with you.” She closed the door on that little bomb and left him standing in the snow, stunned. Maggie, in love with him?

  He couldn’t answer that, didn’t know what he wanted the answer to be.

  Could he love her?

  That was a different story. Yes, he could. Absolutely. If he were able. If she wanted it. If he could be sure he’d be a better husband this time around than he’d managed to be to Lucy.

  None of those were absolute, and every one represented a risk he didn’t know if he was capable of taking, because he did not want to hurt Maggie. Or Cody. Or, okay, himself.

  He quickly swiped the snow off the SUV as more sifted down around him. He shoved all thoughts of love and Maggie out of the way as he climbed in his vehicle. He wasn’t going there right now, or ever if he could help it. What he and Maggie shared had been hot and wonderful and hell, yes, he’d do it again in a heartbeat but that didn’t mean he loved her.

  Right?

  * * *

  Josh did an admirable job of cramming all his feelings back in that increasingly too-small box, like trying to close the suitcases Lucy used to pack before a weekend getaway. Back when they’d been able to stand each other long enough to actually do a weekend getaway. Which had been…probably only the first couple of months of dating.

  Sadness washed over him. That should have been a big clue to their lack of compatibility. But all bets were off once Lucy realized she was pregnant. He’d wanted to do right by her, by their baby. He’d insisted they marry. She’d been more hesitant.

  What if he’d listened to her? Would she be here today? Would she like Maggie?

  He shook off the thoughts. That way lay craziness and he still wouldn’t have the answer.

  Now, he sat on the couch in front of the fire, reading Cody a book about talking trains on an island while the Christmas tree glowed and the fire crackled. Maggie had left to run errands. He had one ear tuned to the garage, waiting for her car to pull in because then he could relax all the way because she’d be home.

  He told himself he’d worry about anyone out in the snow, not just Maggie. That funny ache under his heart? Indigestion. Not him missing her when she was gone. Not him feeling panicky because the roads were iffy.

  Josh closed the book and handed it to Cody. “Here you go. Brush your teeth and I’ll be right up to tuck you in.”

  Cody traipsed upstairs, book in one hand, worn-out bear in the other, talking to the bear about the trains. Josh stared into the flames for a few minutes, which was probably why he jumped a mile when Cody sidled up to him and spoke, his eyes serious.

  “Daddy? Can Maggie be my new mommy?”

  Josh’s heart came to a full stop. Of all the things Cody could have hit him with, this wasn’t even on the list. He cleared his throat. “Well, Cody, you know you have a mommy. In Heaven.” They’d been over this but he knew it was a concept out of a four-year-old’s grasp.

  Cody frowned. “But I want one here. With me. Who can play with me. Like Maggie.”

  Josh couldn’t help himself. “You think Maggie would make a good mom?”

  Cody nodded. “She smells good an’ plays with me an’ makes you smile. I love her.”

  Josh’s heart cracked as he pulled his earnest small son into his embrace. If only it were that easy to insert Maggie in their lives. He didn’t know how to do it without shoving Lucy to the side. Or opening them both up to more heartbreak.

  “I like her, too.” A lot. More than I should. He couldn’t use the other L word. He was worried he’d gone beyond mere like. “But you need more than liking someone for a mom.”

  Cody nodded. “She said that, too.”

  Josh froze. “You asked her about this?” He was afraid to ask what she’d said.

  “Yep.” He twisted to look up at him. “She said it wasn’t like gettin’ a puppy.” He frowned. “But I don’t want a puppy. I want a new mom.”

  “You don’t need a mommy, Code. You have me.” He offered a smile, but saw, by the reproach and tears in Cody’s eyes, he’d missed the mark by a country mile.

  “I want a mom,” Cody said stubbornly. “I want Maggie. I know!” He brightened. “Maggie said we could go talk to Santa. I’ll ask him!”

  Josh blanched. Uh-oh. “Santa doesn’t bring that sort of thing for gifts. He brings, you know, presents. Boxes. Things he can carry in his sleigh. In his bag. Not actual people.”

  “Maggie’s already here, so he wouldn’t have to bring her,” Cody pointed out and in spite of himself Josh nearly chuckled. Kid was sharp.

  “You’re right, she is. But Santa can’t make people love each other or be parents. That’s not fair to them. What if they don’t want to be a parent?”

  Cody looked at him in horror. “You don’t think Maggie will want to be my mom?”

  Josh shut his eyes. How else could he mess this up? “No. That’s not what I meant. I don’t know if she would. She’d be a good mom, I think. I just meant Santa can’t make someone be a mom or dad.”

  Cody’s shoulders slumped and tears slid out of his eyes. Josh’s own started to burn. Then Cody straightened. “I don’t believe you. I’m going to ask him.” Clearly cheered at this conclusion, Cody wiped his eyes and smiled at him a little defiantly.

  Hell. “Just to be safe, why don’t you think of other things you want? Don’t you have a Christmas list? I bet Santa will try really hard to bring you what you want.” Still, he knew it wouldn’t take the place of a mother figure in Cody’s life. The thought left him hollow and wrecked inside. He stood and lifted Cody with him, trying to sound normal. “Let’s go get you tucked in, okay?”

  After getting Cody settled, he sat down on his bed heavily. The whole conversation, on top of Marta’s observations from earlier, had him in knots. The mommy thing needed to be addressed soon. Cody had attached to Maggie in a completely different way than his previous nanny, and Josh had no clue how to navigate the waters now. Asking Maggie was clearly out of the question.


  Since asking her might mean you have to admit how you feel?

  It wasn’t her problem. He’d deal with it.

  Headlights played over the wall, and he heard the garage door go up. Relief slipped through him, and he was too emotionally exhausted to stop it.

  Maggie. Back, at last, from her errands.

  He thought about going down to meet her, but after Cody’s bombshell his emotions were too raw and too close to the surface. So instead, he closed his door all the way, rare for him this early, but he needed the barrier.

  He heard her come up the stairs, even though her step was light. He was so attuned to her, it was like he was right there beside her, part of her shadow. She went right past his door, plastic bags rustling. Was that a pause in her footsteps? Or his hopeful imagination? He heard her door open, then close.

  Safe. He whooshed out a breath, then almost laughed.

  From what? The thought was absurd. Maybe she was the one who was safe from him dragging her into his lair. Or his bed. Or hell, the shower he was about to take. A tightening in his nether regions told him which way his body voted.

  With a groan, he went into the bathroom and turned the water setting to cold—again—and forced himself to think about shoveling snow.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Maggie dumped the shopping bags on the floor. Since both Josh and Cody were in bed, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to look at the pictures Jeanine had given her. She pulled the envelope out of her underwear drawer with slightly shaking hands.

  She sat cross-legged on her bed, took a deep breath and slid the photos out. There were more than a dozen of them. She fumbled a little as she spread them out, her eyes already stinging.

  Oh. Oh. She lost her breath.

  Lucy as a laughing toddler in a little wading pool, wearing a ruffly pink bathing suit. Lucy as a proud kindergartner, barrettes in her dark hair, leaning on the man who must be her father. Lucy as a little girl of maybe nine, arms around the neck of a happily panting yellow Lab. Lucy as a young teen in her soccer uniform, braces glinting on her teeth, grin wide as she helped hoist a huge trophy. Lucy at prom. Maggie’s jaw dropped—the navy strapless gown Lucy wore was very similar to the one she herself had worn a couple of years later. Lucy at graduation—both high school and college—smiling into the camera, arms around her beaming parents. Still others of birthdays, camping, general goofiness.