The Nanny's Christmas Wish

by Ami Weaver

  But it wasn’t possible now.

  Since his mother was staring at him intently, he cleared his throat. The sound was sharp in the relative quiet of Cody’s room. “He’s fine. We got there just in time. No frostbite, though that probably was not too far away. He had his boots on the wrong feet, but they did the job. He’ll be able to go home soon.”

  She gave a sharp little nod, and he could see those tears balancing on her lashes. Hell. If she cried, what would he do? He didn’t dare touch her. He leaned over and picked up the box of tissues and held it out. She grabbed a few, murmured her thanks and sat down in the other empty chair.

  His mother looked between the two of them, then raised her brow at him.

  He still hadn’t told her the story.

  He put it off as long as he could, when they’d gotten Cody home and tucked in and Maggie returned to Hannah’s. He wanted to tell her she could stay, but couldn’t get the words out.

  “Are you sure she should leave?” Ellen asked.

  “Do you know who she is, Mom?” Josh tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice but failed. She’d brought nothing but trouble and he was done with it.

  Except, he missed her terribly. And tonight, all he’d wanted was to have her by his side. To hold her and share the pain.

  So much pain. It was crippling him.

  “She’s the woman who loves you,” she said quietly.

  Josh’s head came up as the words arrowed into his heart. “No. She’s the woman who betrayed me. She’s Lucy’s half sister, Mom.” He could barely speak the words.

  “I know. She told me tonight.”

  Josh stared her in disbelief. “She told you?”

  She nodded. “I don’t blame you for being angry. But do you want to throw away the possibility of a future with her?”

  He leaned forward onto his knees and let his head fall forward. “Mom—”

  Ellen laid her hand on his arm. “Josh. I know what I see. She loves you, loves Cody. I don’t know why she didn’t tell you about Lucy. But she brought you back to the world of the living again. For that I’m grateful.”

  Josh just sat there, processing his mother’s words. “She lied, Mom.”

  Ellen nodded. “She should have been up front. I agree. But her feelings for you and Cody are genuine. Have you asked her why?”

  “She didn’t want to hurt us,” he murmured.

  “Did you listen to her? Really listen?” Ellen arched her brow.

  Well, no. Not really. He hadn’t been willing to listen. She nodded at his silence.

  “I didn’t think so. Before you write her and this relationship off, you need to talk to her and really listen to what she has to say. And you need to see once and for all that your relationship with Lucy was rough not because either of you were bad people, but because you were each with the wrong person.” She leaned over and tapped him on the chin, forcing eye contact. “You made each other miserable. It was a two-way street. Love and marriage always is.”

  Her words struck a chord he would rather ignore. He needed the anger and the pain to keep the world at bay. It was the one thing he could count on to keep him and Cody safe—as long as he never let anyone in, there was no hope of him failing anyone.

  Until today, when he’d failed Cody miserably and lost Maggie, too.

  Ellen leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to get some sleep. It’s been a hell of a night. You go lie down, too, honey.” There was sympathy and knowing in her tired gaze.

  Josh wished he could be as sure of the right thing as his mother was. Nothing was clear anymore—except he loved Maggie. Even now, knowing who she was.

  And he didn’t know how to stop.

  * * *

  The next morning, Maggie checked her phone—again—and Hannah reached over to take it gently from her.

  “This works both ways,” she said softly, scrolling through Maggie’s contacts. “You can call to see how he’s doing.” She pressed the phone back into her hand, Josh’s number on the screen.

  Maggie shook her head. “I don’t know—” she began, as the phone rang. Josh’s number came up on the screen. She looked up at Hannah, who gave her a small smile and a nod and slipped out of the room.

  Hands shaking, Maggie answered the call. “How’s Cody?”

  “He’s fine,” Josh assured her, his words and rich voice filling her soul. She shut her eyes against the sting of tears.

  “Oh, I’m so happy to hear that,” she said. “Thank you for letting me know.”

  A pause. Maggie held her breath.

  “Can you come down?” he asked finally. “He wants to see you.”

  Maggie’s heart leaped. “Of course. When is a good time?” Her words were a little unsteady and she hoped he didn’t notice.

  “Now’s good,” he said.

  “I’ll be right down.” She clicked off the phone and stood up.

  Hannah came back in the kitchen. “So?”

  “Cody’s fine,” Maggie said. “He’s asking for me so Josh asked if I’d come down.”

  “That’s a good sign,” Hannah said.

  Maggie shook her head. “I don’t know. He’ll do anything for Cody. It wouldn’t surprise me if he doesn’t talk to me at all when I’m there.”

  Hannah frowned. “He’s not that kind of guy. Besides, he loves you. He’ll be there.”

  “Maybe he did once,” Maggie murmured. “Not now.”

  “Love isn’t something you just turn off when it doesn’t work for you anymore. Not if it’s real.” Hannah’s tone gentled. “From what I saw, it’s real. Now go. Cody’s waiting.”

  Maggie gave her a hug. “Thank you.”

  Hannah squeezed her back. “Good luck.”

  Maggie tugged on her parka and slipped out the door. The walk was short but both anticipation and worry weighed on her with every step. Cody was fine but was Josh? Would he say anything?

  She walked up the front steps, unsure if she should just walk in. The door opened before she could knock, and Josh filled the doorway. Her heart simultaneously leaped and broke at the sight of him, pale and haggard, the shadows on his face indicating he hadn’t slept much.

  But, oh, how she loved him.

  “Hi,” she managed to say around the lump in her throat.

  He nodded, stepped aside and she slipped past him into the foyer. Cody popped off the couch before she could get her coat off and he flew across the room and into her arms.

  She sank to her knees and gathered him close, breathing in his sweet little-boy scent, tears burning her eyes. God, if it hadn’t ended how it did— She shuddered. “Oh, Cody. You scared us.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.” He burrowed into her, and she nearly fell over.

  Warm hands landed on her shoulders, steadying her. Josh. Her body reacted instantly to his touch.

  “Careful, Code,” Josh cautioned. “You’re going to knock her over. Let’s go into the living room.”

  Cody held her hand as they walked in. Ellen came from the kitchen with a smile. “Hello, Maggie.” Ellen held her son’s gaze and a long look passed between them. “Josh, you’re out of peanut butter. Cody and I are going to run to the store.”

  Cody peeled himself off Maggie with great reluctance. “Will you still be here?” he asked, and she nodded.

  “I won’t leave till you get back,” she promised, and he sent his dad a sour look.

  Josh nodded. “She’ll be here.”

  “You can stay,” Cody said earnestly. Then he threw his arms around her and held on tight. “I love you,” he said, and those damn tears filled her eyes again. She inhaled the sweet scent of little boy.

  “I love you, too, Code.” So much. He slipped out of her arms and darted away.

  Ellen came over and gave her a quick hug. “Don’t let him get away with this,” she murmured low in Maggie’s ear and followed Cody out of the room before Maggie could respond that it wasn’t up to her. After a minute of noise, the door closed behind Ellen and Cody.

>   Silence rang between her and Josh.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” The anger in his voice had her blinking.

  “About Cody and Santa? I didn’t get the chance—”

  “No.” He shook his head as he spun around to face her. “Who you are.”

  Maggie sank down on the couch, feeling as if his words had pulled her legs out from under her. “I told you. I wanted to get to know Cody.” What had been so simple at the time clearly hadn’t been and had cost her everything.

  He said nothing, just looked at her, his whiskey eyes shadowed. She took a deep breath. She had to make him understand. “I was lost, Josh. I’d lost my father, found out I had a sister—a sister!—then learned she’d died. I wanted to know Cody and I couldn’t risk you telling me no.”

  Her words hung in the air. But they were the truth. No matter how it played out, she felt better for finally getting it all out in the open.

  Josh sat down across from her, his arms draped on his elbows, head down. She clasped her hands so tight her fingers hurt but she welcomed the pain. Finally, he lifted his head and looked her in the eye. “Is there anything else you need to tell me?”

  She held his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah. Me, too.” His gaze shifted over her shoulder. “You can stay—for now.” Till I get a new nanny was implied.

  It was a start, a chance to prove herself. She’d take it. She gave a little nod. “That’s fine. But you have to tell Cody something so he doesn’t think I abandoned him. So he knows we can’t be a family.” She whispered the last few words, unable to fully voice them.

  Pain flashed in Josh’s eyes. “We’ll tell him you have to go home. It’s not a lie.”

  Her stomach curled as she stood up. In her heart, home was here, with Josh and Cody. But the consequences of her choice made that difficult. “No. It’s not,” she said simply. She moved toward the door. She’d get her things from Hannah’s, come back and put on her game face.

  For Cody’s sake.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The past four days had been hell. Josh wanted nothing more than to fix everything, to put it all back the way it had been, but of course that wasn’t the way it worked.

  Maggie had let him know repeatedly how sorry she was, how she wished she’d been able to handle things another way. He wanted to forgive her, to let it go, to start over, but—

  But. Well. How?

  Now, on Christmas Eve, as he and Cody prepared for church, Maggie was conspicuously absent. She’d hugged Cody and told him she’d see him when he got back. So he’d go to church without her and after they’d go to his mother’s for their traditional Christmas Eve. Hopefully she wouldn’t mention Maggie. It was hard enough to have her in the house, where he could see her hips sway as she walked, hear her low laugh, smell her shampoo, but he couldn’t touch her.

  It was a physical ache, a hole in his life he couldn’t close off or ignore.

  He looked up as Maggie walked through the living room, small gifts in her hands. She turned quickly when he jingled his keys.

  “Oh, sorry. I thought—” She trailed off, her cheeks red. She looked down at the presents.

  “You thought I was gone,” he said softly, and she straightened her shoulders.

  “Yes.” Their eyes met and the pain and betrayal and longing spun out between them. He felt as if his heart would be pulled right out of chest with the force of it.

  “Maggie.” Her name was almost a plea. For what? This couldn’t be fixed. No matter how he wished it, they couldn’t go forward.

  “Josh,” she whispered, tears shimmering in her big blue eyes. “Go. You’ll be late.”

  He spun and left before he pulled her into his arms and told her the truth he couldn’t get past—he loved her.

  * * *

  Somehow, he got through the church service. The lighting candles part required concentration and his mother kept frowning at him, but he emerged from the church in one piece.

  Cody skipped at his side, his boots making deep prints in the snow. “Can we go to Gramma’s now?”

  “Yep, as soon as she comes out,” he said, managing a smile for his excited little boy. Christmas was purely for Cody and he’d do his damnedest to make it a good one.

  Well, other than making his fondest wish come true.

  “Will Maggie be there?”

  The hopeful words may as well have been stones. “No. She’s at home, remember?”

  Cody’s frown was visible in the light of the streetlamp. “You’re mad at her.”

  Was he? Josh didn’t even know anymore. He was trying to be, but mostly he was just numb. But he wasn’t going to go down this road with Cody, especially not on Christmas Eve. “She needed to finish some stuff so she stayed home.” He managed another smile. “It’ll be just you and me. And Gramma.”

  Cody frowned. Josh held his breath and hoped his son would drop it. This was not the place to get into why Maggie wasn’t here. He couldn’t put off Cody forever. When and how did he explain Maggie was really his aunt? Or why she had to leave?

  Thankfully, his mother popped out of the church right then, and Cody seemed to forget about their conversation. They all rode together back to her house. Cody kept up a steady stream of chatter, Josh only partially listening, since his mother kept the ball rolling. “And Santa said it’s a season for mary-cles.”

  That snapped him out of his thoughts and he hit the brakes a little harder than he should have. His mom frowned at him. Before he could speak, she did. “He’s right, Cody.”

  Josh felt sick. “Mom.” The warning should have been clear. But she ignored him.

  “Anything is possible on Christmas Eve,” she said serenely. “Isn’t that true, Josh?”

  He said nothing, not wanting to acknowledge what she was really saying. “How long, Josh?” she asked in a low voice when they got in her driveway and Cody hopped out. “How long are you going to hide behind Lucy?”

  Trav had said the same thing to him a few weeks ago. “Mom. I’m not hiding.”

  “Oh, posh,” she snapped. “You damn well are. Shut yourself all the way down because you decided you are responsible for Lucy’s death. For how crappy your marriage was,” she said fiercely. “And now you’d deny yourself and Cody the chance at love? With a woman who’s your match in every possible way?”

  Her words pinged inside him. “It’s not that simple.”

  “Sure it is. Don’t be a coward, Joshua.” And she shoved open her door, climbed out and slammed it hard enough to rock the SUV.

  He sat there. Opening himself—and Cody—to more destruction was exactly what he wanted to avoid. These past few days had taught him that. It wasn’t cowardly to be careful and protective. It was—

  Wussy.

  No, damn it. It was smart. He shook off the thoughts as the Christmas-tree lights in the house went on. He could see Cody looking out the window. He quickly got out of the SUV and strode up to the house. They’d do this. And tomorrow, when Cody’s miracle didn’t come through, he’d pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. So they could get back to normal.

  You mean empty. Lonely. With a huge hole where Maggie should be. He ignored the unhelpful little voice. They’d find some kind of normal, one way or another.

  He sat through the present opening, trying to focus and be engaged for his son. Cody was very excited about his gifts from Gramma. Josh frowned when Cody put an awkwardly wrapped package on Ellen’s lap.

  “Wait, Code, is that supposed to be here?” he asked, leaning forward to check the tag. Cody nodded.

  “I made it. And wrapped it. Maggie helped,” he said proudly, and Josh felt the air rush out of his lungs.

  “You did a lovely job wrapping,” Ellen told him with a smile as Cody nestled in next to her. She carefully unwrapped it while Cody wiggled at her side. Josh saw her eyes fill with tears as she lifted out what looked like a concrete round.

  “Oh, Cody. It’s beautiful.” She turned it so Josh could see. Cod
y’s handprint was in the middle and Maggie had carved his name and the date on it. He could imagine them working together in the garage while he was at work, her dark head bent next to Cody’s lighter one, laughter in their sparkling blue eyes.

  Maggie loved Cody, and he loved her. He couldn’t deny it. Now he’d gone and taken her away from him. Like he’d done with Cody’s mom.

  “You did a great job, Code,” he said, his voice a little rough.

  Cody beamed. “I put all the rocks in,” he said, patting the shiny stones. “And I had to wash my hands a lot ‘cause this stuff was supermessy.”

  Ellen kissed the top of his head. “I love it. Thank you. For now it will stay inside and in the spring you can help me find a special place for it outside, okay?”

  He nodded and slid off the couch to play with the truck set Ellen had given him.

  “Josh, you want a cup of coffee?” It was phrased as a question, but he knew better.

  “Sure, that’d be great. Thanks.” He followed her into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast bar as she took down two mugs. She set them on the counter, poured and wordlessly set the milk in front of him. He focused on stirring the white liquid into the coffee, not wanting to look at his mother and what he’d see on her face. More accusation, no doubt.

  Finally, she spoke. “You never answered my question.”

  Josh’s head snapped up. “I’m not hiding.” But somehow, he couldn’t muster the heat behind the words he always had in the past. He was also too exhausted to try. Trying to pretend everything was okay, that he wasn’t torn to shreds emotionally took everything he had.

  Ellen folded her arms and just looked at him.

  Josh shut his eyes, wishing the tactic that worked so well for Cody at age four when he wanted to disappear still worked at age thirty-four. “Mom. Please.”

  “Josh.” Her voice was intense and he forced himself to meet her eyes. “Don’t do this.”

  He let out a sharp bark of bitter laughter. “Do what?”

  “Avoid the real issue here.”

  “You mean other than Maggie lying to me?”

  Ellen’s gaze never flinched. “Yes.”