Wish You Were Dead

by Todd Strasser

  Jake headed toward the woods. Greg hesitated, studying Adam uncertainly.

  “Go on,” Adam said. “Have fun.”

  He stayed by the car and nursed the forty. The beer and bourbon took away the pain, but not the thoughts. Lucy was still there in his mind. He could see her; he just couldn’t feel her.

  He wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Greg came through the dark with his arm around Reilly Bloom’s waist. Reilly, a tall girl with chestnut hair and freckles, was the captain of the volleyball team. Adam tipped the forty to his lips and was surprised to discover that it was empty. He didn’t remember finishing it.

  “Uh, Reilly and I are gonna walk over to her house,” Greg said, almost apologetically. “Think you can catch a ride with someone else?”

  Adam got the message loud and clear.

  At the Safe Rides office, I picked up the desk phone. It was the first call of the night. “Hey, Mads, it’s Adam.” He was slurring his words. “It’s Adam” came out as “Sadddam.” “I’m at the deli by the ball field? The one by … by the …”

  “Across the street from Tony’s Nursery.” I entered the information into the log. “Going to fifteen Sheffield?”

  “Where else?”

  “Five minutes,” I said, and hung up.

  “Who was it?” Dave looked over from the other desk. He had the DVD control in his hand and had paused the movie when the phone rang. The two driving teams sitting around the TV raised their heads attentively.

  “Adam,” I said.

  “Maura and I’ll go,” Courtney blurted out eagerly. She started to rise, then stopped self-consciously when her eyes met mine. She’d finally arrived nearly half an hour late. Neither of us had said hello, but she’d given my outfit and makeup a curious look before settling down on the other side of the office.

  Sharon was also getting up. “We already agreed that Laurie and I would do the first run tonight.”

  Courtney’s eyes stayed on mine. I shrugged to let her know that I didn’t care who went. But Sharon was already on her feet. “Come on, Laurie. Lesbos to the rescue.”

  The parking lot in front of the deli was empty. Adam sat on the curb before the dark storefront. His bladder was on the verge of bursting, but he was too dizzy to stand up and go. Each time he closed his eyes, the world began to spin, and he felt like he was going to be sick. So he concentrated on keeping his eyes fixed on the dimly lit Tony’s Nursery sign across the street.

  But when his eyes focused, his mind seemed to focus as well, and the thoughts he’d drank so much to drown swam back to the surface. Where was Lucy? How did someone just disappear? What could have happened to her?

  Just as they had all week, the questions feasted on his flesh, making him feel guilty and resentful. So where was the stupid Safe Rides car? It seemed like he’d been waiting a long time. It should have been here by now.

  Above him a thin, gauzy haze drifted in front of the moon, causing a ring to glow dully in the night sky around it. Adam tilted his chin up and studied it. Thin air, he thought. What did that mean? If someone could disappear into thin air, did that mean someone could materialize out of it, too?

  Courtney’s face materialized in his thoughts. That was where he wanted to be right now. In her arms. Wait! She drove for Safe Rides. Hope sprang into his mind and shook itself out like a wet dog. What if she came now? Wouldn’t that be a happy ending to a crappy night.

  Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a rag with a strong chemical smell was pressed against his face. In the same instant, his head was wrenched hard to the left as if a chiropractor were cracking his neck. Adam felt himself tumbling over onto his side. Whoever was behind him holding the rag to his face was trying to push him down to the ground. His left elbow hit the asphalt parking lot first, sending a searing pain up his arm and through his shoulder. But from deep in his alcohol- and chemically-addled brain, Adam sensed it was also his chance to stop his downward momentum and right himself. Just as he began to plant his hand on the ground to push back up, someone kicked his elbow out from under him. Adam went down, first on his shoulder and then on his back. The next thing he knew, a heavy weight was crushing his chest as if someone was sitting on him. The damp chemical rag was still pressed against his face, and with each struggling breath he took came that horrible, wet, chemical odor.

  By the time his bladder involuntarily emptied, Adam was no longer aware of anything. His mind was as black and empty as deep space. Hands slid under his armpits and heaved him up. His heels dragged on the ground as he was lugged around the side of the deli and into the shadows.

  * * *

  In the Safe Rides office, the evening had started to get busy. Courtney and Maura had gone to get a babysitter who didn’t feel comfortable being driven home by the child’s father. And a call had just come in from a girl who’d been ditched by her date after a movie and was now waiting at the Cinema 6 for a ride. Dave had paused Juno while I wrote the information in the log. When I’d finished, I nodded to let him know I was ready to watch again.

  Dave kept the movie on pause. “You like it?” he asked. His glasses slid down on his nose and he pushed them back up with his finger. I wondered why he persisted in wearing glasses that made his eyes look so big. There had to be contact lenses that could have helped.

  “Who doesn’t?” I said.

  “Yeah, it’s just about my all-time favorite,” he said, once again pushing the glasses back up. “What’s your favorite part?”

  “Oh, uh, I don’t know,” I said. “What’s yours?”

  Dave launched into what I realized was a prepared speech. It had something to do with how Juno was more than just a movie, how it was a statement about our generation, and symbolic of our times. I tried to listen, but I knew what I was really hearing was Dave yearning to let me know that he was a deep and thoughtful thinker.

  Then my cell phone rang. I made a face to show Dave how disappointed I was that his dissertation had to be interrupted, then answered. “Hello?”

  “He’s not here.” It was Sharon.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “We’re in the deli parking lot and there’s no sign of him.”

  It wouldn’t be the first time someone called for a Safe Ride, then changed their mind, but that wasn’t Adam’s MO. He was too responsible. Even when drunk.

  “Could you look around?” I said.

  “Already did.”

  “Hold on, I’ll try his cell.” With my free hand I dialed his number on the desk phone and held the receiver to my ear. It rang until the message came on.

  “Hey, it’s Madison,” I said. “Where are you?” I put down the desk phone and thought about the girl whose date had ditched her at the movies. “Sharon,” I said into my cell. “Go to Cinema Six. There’ll be a girl waiting outside. She’s going to Evergreen Terrace.”

  “Roger that.” Sharon hung up.

  I glanced back at Dave.

  “I guess my favorite part is toward the end when Juno comes to the track and tells Paulie she’s in love with him,” he said. I realized he’d been waiting to answer the question that by now I’d forgotten I’d asked. “And he assumes she means as friends and she says, ‘No, for real. I think you are the coolest person I’ve ever met. And you don’t even have to try.’ And he says, ‘I try really hard, actually.’ You know? It’s like a moment of truth. Most cool people really do try, don’t they?”

  Did Tyler try? I wondered. Why, out of the hundreds of possible reasons, was I so convinced that he’d cancelled tonight because of a hot date? Why couldn’t I just accept that I didn’t know why he’d asked Dave to replace him? Why did I have to make myself miserable by assuming the worst?

  “Madison?” Dave said.

  “Huh?” I blinked and realized I’d drifted off in thought.

  Dave stared at me for a moment, then rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Forget it.” He pressed the remote and the movie started to play again.

  The urge to apologize instantly leapt
to my lips, but for once I restrained myself. Sometimes you can apologize too much, and at that point I was so distracted I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to apologize for. What could have happened to Adam? Where was Tyler? What had Dave been saying? Something about his favorite part of Juno. The part where Paulie admits that actually he tries really hard.

  On the screen Juno was in Paulie’s room and Paulie was talking about them getting back together again. I watched and listened as Juno said, “I like you, Bleek, I do. But things are really complicated right now.”

  She called him Bleek because his last name was Bleeker.… Paulie Bleeker.

  PBleeker … I felt my whole body stiffen. It was one of those moments when a big gong bangs loudly in your head. Pretending to look down at the log, I glanced at Dave. His eyes were riveted on the screen, and his lips moved each time Paulie Bleeker spoke.

  chapter 12

  Sunday 5:49 A.M.

  “MADISON.” I FELT someone shake my shoulder from far, far away. If sleep had been an ocean, I had miles to go before I reached the surface.

  “Madison, wake up.” The voice and hand on my shoulder were insistent. Some inner clock told me that it was much too early to be awakened. It was still the middle of the night, wasn’t it? Or, since I hadn’t actually gotten into bed until the middle of the night, it was much too early in the morning.

  I opened my eyes. The bedroom was dark. The only light came through the open doorway. Wearing a robe, Mom leaned over me, holding the phone. “It’s Ms. Skelling.”

  Still too sleepy to make sense of what was going on, I took the phone and pressed it to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Madison? It’s Carol Skelling.”

  “Oh, uh, hi.” Why would she be calling?

  “I’m sorry to wake you, but Adam Pinter didn’t come home last night.”

  “But it’s still dark,” I said with a yawn.

  “It’s ten of six. It’ll be light soon. His mother was up all night waiting for him. She’s called the police. Is it true that he called for a safe ride?”

  I sat up in the bed. “Yes, but he wasn’t there when they went to get him.”

  “Who went?” Ms. Skelling asked.

  “Sharon and Laurie.”

  “Where?”

  “The deli by the ball field. That kegger we talked about last night.”

  “Did they look for him?”

  “They said they did.” Even in the dimness of my bedroom, I was aware that my mother was hovering over me with an anxious expression on her face.

  “So they never saw him?” Ms. Skelling asked.

  “That’s what they said. Have you spoken to them?”

  “I’m going to call right now. Go back to sleep.” Ms. Skelling hung up.

  There was no chance of that happening. I handed the phone back and felt gripped by fear. Mom sat down on the side of the bed and stroked my hair, trying to calm me, and reassure herself that I was safe. “The Pinters must be worried sick.”

  “He could have stayed at Greg’s house last night,” I said, thinking, or with Courtney, who had left with Maura shortly after Sharon and Laurie. Maybe Adam was okay. It was entirely possible that Courtney had called ahead and told him to wait for her. And maybe it was conceivable that he’d neglected to call home. After all, he’d sounded really smashed on the phone.

  Suddenly, I knew what I had to do, but I had to do it alone. I rubbed my eyes. “I’m going to try to go back to sleep, okay?”

  Mom squinted at me uncertainly, then nodded as if she understood. “Of course.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead, then got up and left.

  As soon as the door closed, I called Adam, but got his message again. Then I called Courtney.

  “Helllllo?” She sounded groggy and disoriented.

  “It’s Madison. Is Adam there?”

  “Huh? No.”

  “Courts, it’s really important.”

  “Wha …? What’s going on?”

  “He didn’t come home last night.”

  “Isn’t it still last night?”

  “It’s just before six. Courts, if he’s there—”

  “He’s not here, Madison,” she said, annoyance creeping through her sleepiness. “I don’t know where he is.”

  “You didn’t see him last night?”

  “No.”

  “Or speak to him?”

  “No.”

  Oh, God, I thought. Oh, no!

  “You … think something happened to him?” Courtney asked.

  Stay positive, I told myself. You don’t know what’s happened. There are other possibilities. “He sounded really drunk when he called. He could have wandered off and passed out behind a bush.”

  The line went quiet for a moment. Then she said, “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

  “No,” I admitted, feeling my heart sink. “I don’t.”

  The phone line went silent. I couldn’t help wondering whether our disagreement of a few days earlier was just a spat, or the actual end of a friendship. I’d had many friends and acquaintances, but so few best friends. There’d been Lucy, then Gabby Wald, whose family had moved to London after tenth grade, then Courtney. Was there something wrong with me? Something that prevented me from having boyfriends and close girlfriends?

  “I’d better go,” Courtney said, and hung up.

  I lay in bed for a while, trying to recall everything that had happened the night before, especially speaking to Adam on the phone. Was there anything I’d missed? Something he’d said? I thought of that mysterious note. You and your friends are in danger.

  And now another friend of mine was gone.

  The room gradually began to lighten with the coming dawn. Then I had a thought that was so frightening it propelled me out of bed—if Adam was gone in the same way that Lucy had disappeared, then once again, I was the last person to speak to either one of them.

  Mom was downstairs in the kitchen with coffee and the newspaper, only the newspaper was unopened. She was gazing out the window at the gray and glassy Sound. I pulled a stool next to her, sat down, and leaned close. Instinctively, she put her arms around me. “What’s this?”

  I told her what I’d just realized about being the last person to speak to both Lucy and Adam.

  She squeezed my shoulder. “Oh, hon, if that’s true it’s just a coincidence.”

  “But whoever left that note knew,” I said. “They said my friends and I were in danger.”

  Mom just hugged me and didn’t answer.

  “I’m scared,” I said, and trembled.

  “We still don’t know what’s happened,” she tried to reassure me. “Don’t forget they were—I mean, they are—boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe they did have something planned.”

  “Like what?”

  “Maybe they decided to run away. Maybe the pressure was too much for them. Maybe she got pregnant and decided to have the baby. Who knows?”

  I knew. None of that was true. I knew because of how distraught Adam had been that day he’d talked to me at lunch. I knew because he was a close friend and wouldn’t have lied to me when he said he was breaking up with Lucy. I knew because if that was the case, why had someone left that note? I was willing to bet just about anything that Lucy wasn’t pregnant and she and Adam had had no plan.

  chapter 13

  Sunday 7:05 A.M.

  Why Lucy, we thought you’d be happy to be reunited with your boyfriend. What, Lucy? Really darling, you must speak up. Oh, we see, your tongue is swollen and it’s painful to speak. We know you’re weak because you haven’t had anything to eat or drink. But look, Adam’s waking up again! Aren’t you going to kiss him hello? Oh, dear, he’s sick. Isn’t that too bad? But we guess that’s what happens when you drink too much. Come now, Lucy, you can’t get that far away from it. So just get used to it.

  * * *

  BACK UPSTAIRS I sat at the computer. By now, other parents must have awakened their children to ask if they knew anything about Adam, because the text messag
es and IMs began to fly. The dominant rumor was that Lucy and Adam had planned from the start to run away together. I didn’t believe it, but I kept my thoughts to myself.

  The one person I wished I could speak to was Tyler. Even though I was still disappointed that he hadn’t been around the previous night, this was the sort of thing I felt I could call him about. Or maybe I was just using it as an excuse to connect. I dialed, got his voice mail, and left a message.

  After a while, Courtney popped up on the IM list. So now we both knew the other was online. How long were we going to ignore each other? There were times when you had to rise above your pride and do the right thing. I IMed her.

  This time, she IMed me right back.

  “I don’t believe Lucy and Adam ran away,” Courtney said later that afternoon. For the moment, or maybe forever, we’d put aside our disagreements. After several days of cold rain, it had turned warm and sunny. Under a blue November sky, we sat at a metal table outside Starbucks, both of us having felt the need to get out of our houses. I wore a hoodie and jacket. I’d looked for my red cashmere scarf at home but couldn’t find it, and I wondered if I’d left it in the Safe Rides office the night before. Courtney wore sunglasses. Every few moments she would poke the cuff of her hoodie under the glasses and into the corner of an eye. So I knew she was upset.

  “Neither do I,” I said. “But you can see how other people might. All the other explanations are so creepy.”

  Courtney sniffed and dabbed her eyes under the sunglasses again. “I know,” she said in a quavering voice, as if fighting not to break down completely. “I mean, what’s going on?”

  The question hovered uncomfortably in the air between us. From a corner of my mind came the question I still wanted to ask from a few days before—why had Courtney chosen to fool around with Adam?—but I knew this was the wrong time. Searching for something else to talk about, I said, “Anything interesting happen last night?”

  “What, with Maura?” Courtney made a face, as if the words interesting and Maura could not possibly be connected. “She gives me the creeps.”