Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  “Maybe you bought it or maybe someone bought it for you. How am I supposed to know?”

  “The point is that I need to go back to Fez now.”

  “Then you need to get a ticket to Fez.”

  “Fine,” the man said tersely. “Where can I get a ticket to Fez?”

  “Hubintegler.”

  “What?”

  “You dumb or something?”

  “Me? You’re calling me dumb?”

  “I guess that answers that,” the ogre said as he began to get out of his chair. “Do I gotta throw you off the bus or are you going to leave on your own?”

  The man wisely backed down the steps and called out, “I’ll be talking to your supervisor about this. You just wait and see.”

  Paulie looked over Burt’s shoulder as they watched the man walk between the two trolleys. The man looked up and gave Paulie a rather dirty look as he passed by their window.

  “What was that all about?” Burt asked Paulie. “Do you know that guy?”

  “Never seen him before in my life,” Paulie said and then noted that the man had just taken a window seat in the trolley that was heading up to Hubintegler. He was almost directly across from them.

  Ten minutes later the vehicle shifted as the break was released. All the passengers were filing back on board and were preparing to leave.

  The sun had dipped under the horizon as Burt had finished his fizzy pop. Paulie was fine with Burt having a drink since the trolley had smelled a fair bit like urine anyway, so he hadn’t taken that away from his new friend.

  One solid burp later and Paulie was sitting next to Mr. Biscuits.

  The trench coat wearing man in the other trolley looked up and shook his head, seeing a werepup where Burt had just been sitting.

  Paulie smiled as the trolley pulled out of the station.

  WAY-POINT STELAN

  His meditation gave him a nice reprieve from the otherwise horrific picture of someone of his ilk traveling with the likes of Greyogre passengers. He would have stayed in his personal reverie had the trolley not come to a halt and had that buzzer not signaled their arrival.

  Stelan opened his eyes and found that they were at a way-station. He sighed knowing that he would soon return to the trolley for the continuation of the journey.

  He was about ready to push through the crowd of idiots so that he could get outside and find out if the prince and vampire were indeed in town, but he stopped himself. The trolley heading down from Hubintegler was just pulling into the station. If they were on the trolley then they would be walking right past his window.

  Looking up he saw a scraggly-faced man sitting next to a pale co-passenger. He took a quick peek at the picture of the prince and made the connection. So they had taken the trolley, after all.

  Good.

  The last place he wanted to go was Hubintegler. He’d hated that city ever since he was a child. Those damnable gnomes were the worst, in Stelan’s not-so-humble estimation.

  There was a 30-minute layover, which would give him ample time to set his plan in motion.

  After all the other passengers departed, Stelan got up and walked the length of the trolley aisle. It was nice to be able to stretch his legs, if nothing else. It was also wonderful to smell the fresh country air, especially after the various odors his fellow traveling companions let off.

  He craned his neck from side to side and waited for a bit before heading in. He didn’t want to risk running into the prince too soon.

  No sooner had he thought that, the prince came out. He leaned on one of the posts next to the front door. A few seconds later, the vampire came out and the two began gingerly walking back toward their trolley.

  Stelan moved aside, glancing at them as they walked by. Unfortunately, this was too public a place to take the vampire down. He would have to be patient and take care of the problem after they got off the bus in Fez.

  Stelan eyed them once more and then headed inside the store.

  He went to the magazine rack in the hopes that there was a new issue of Werewolf Love available. Ever since PlayDragon had hit the shelves, adult magazines had started coming out of the woodwork. Stelan had hoped that these things would be available on the UnderNet, but the gnomes were in a constant state of battle to keep the digital world free of, as they put it, “unsightly images.” Stelan assumed that it was only a matter of time. Until then, he purchased hard-copies.

  He thumbed through all of the magazines and found nothing in the adult genre, so he went to the front to see if they were available behind the counter.

  Nothing.

  What kind of place was this?

  “Can I help you, sir?” said a halfling.

  “Yes, you may,” Stelan responded. “I am seeking a gentleman’s magazine.”

  “Hmmm, you mean like something on cigars or yachting?”

  “No, a little racier than that.”

  “Oh, so like DwarfCar then?”

  Stelan wasn’t a fan of DwarfCar. He never quite understood the purpose of driving in circles over and over again for countless hours. The crashes were nice, but they didn’t happen often enough for his taste.

  “I mean like Werewolf Love or PlayDragon.”

  The halfling’s eyes bulged.

  “Oh! We don’t carry such trash here, sir!”

  “All right, little man,” Stelan said through clenched teeth. “No point in causing a scene.”

  Stelan spun away and headed toward the drinks. The idiocy of people these days, he thought. Why anyone would be against the natural debauchery of relations was beyond him.

  He saw a bag of chips at the end of one of the counters and picked it up. The fat content was disturbing, but he doubted there were any vegetables or fruits within the prudish den, so he rolled his eyes and made a personal commitment to spend some additional effort during his next workout.

  The clerk took his money and he walked back outside. The sun was nearing the horizon and he was glad for it. It would make for an easier trip as, hopefully, the other passengers would be doing more snoring and less talking.

  He walked up to the trolley that was heading for Fez as if he belonged on it.

  “Ticket?” the ogre asked.

  A few pointless minutes later, Stelan angrily stepped back off the trolly to Fez and made his way over to the other vehicle, looking up at the prince and vampire as he did so. He did his best to bestow a level of hate on the vampire through his stare as he passed by them. It must have worked since the vampire had looked away.

  Once he got back on the trolley, he moved back to his seat. Maraleeloulou grunted as he pushed by her to get back to the window. He was glad of that as he much preferred sitting next to a disinterested passenger.

  He took a deep breath and immediately regretted it. That trolley smell was not at all pleasing.

  Stelan pushed open his window and gazed at the trolley next to him. The little digital sign on its side read “Fez.”

  Directly above the sign, Stelan locked eyes with the prince.

  The prince looked away.

  Stelan reached into his pocket and again took out the picture that Terrissa had given him. Aside from the scraggly beard, mussy hair, and peon clothing, the man still had that same princely look as the picture.

  He took another quick peek at the man and reviewed the picture again.

  Then he heard a loud burp.

  When Stelan looked back, there was a dog sitting where the man had just been, and it was draped with a shirt.

  The vampire was smiling at him as the trolleys pulled out of the station.

  Stelan checked the status of the Hubintegler portal and found it was still down. It still showed midnight as the estimated time of reactivation.

  He looked up the Greyogre schedule. The next trolley to Fez wouldn’t be leaving until the next morning.

  Fortunately, his prey would be stuck in Fez until the morning since there were no travel options at night from Fez.

  Unless the portal there was
fixed.

  “Damn it,” he cursed under his breath.

  Maraleeloulou gave him a quick glance and then looked back at the boy across the aisle.

  There was no reason to think that the vampire and prince weren’t going to stick with their plan to get to Gakoonk, seeing that they were moving along with the mapped-out route so far, but unless the portal in Hubintegler was fixed soon, Stelan was going to have to find another way to catch up to them.

  Stelan Bumache resolved that, one way or another, he was going to arrive in Fez before the night was through.

  NIGHT IN FEZ

  Paulie was relieved when they pulled into the trolley station in Fez. He checked the seat and made sure he had all of Burt’s clothes picked up and stashed away.

  Mr. Biscuits had kept his bladder and bowels contained, but he seemed anxious to visit the nearest bush.

  Paulie slid on the collar and took the werepup for a walk around the side of the station. He wanted to be out of sight while Mr. Biscuits took care of business, for a change.

  Once everything was done, the two headed down the main road until they got to the hotel.

  The line for rooms was lengthy, but the size of the building forestalled any concerns about vacancy issues. Paulie needed more money anyway so he went through the side door and stepped up to the ATM. This time he decided to take out $1,000 so he wouldn’t have to worry about finding more banks along the way. It pained him to agree to the “Are you certain?” button, which always came up on requests over $500.

  “Hey pal,” a gruff man with a dark mask said as Paulie walked back outside. He was holding a knife. “What say you hand over that money so nobody gets hurt.”

  Paulie began to sweat, but he wasn’t sure if it was due to the fear of losing his life or losing his money. Reason set in, though, and he realized that by losing his life he would essentially be losing both. But it was $1,000!

  Then Mr. Biscuits did something that Paulie had not expected. He growled, and then he bared his teeth.

  “Oh,” the masked-man said with a start. “You have a dog.”

  He turned and ran and Paulie let out the breath he’d been holding and staggered back against the wall.

  “Thank you, Mr. Biscuits,” Paulie said to the werepup that was staring intently in the direction the would-be thief had run. “You just saved not only my life, but also what little money I had left for this journey of ours.”

  Thinking it best to not remain outside, Paulie pulled Mr. Biscuits into the main entrance and got in line.

  It took a while to get waited on, which had given Paulie enough time to relax from the attempted mugging.

  “You got a dog?” said the clerk as Paulie stepped up.

  Paulie looked at Mr. Biscuits. “In a manner of speaking.”

  “Dog fee, then.”

  “How much?”

  “One fifty.”

  “What?” Paulie yelped. “One hundred and fifty dollars? How much is the room?”

  “Fifty.”

  “So you’re telling me that the room costs less than the pet fee?”

  The ogre just pointed at a sign that read: You own a dog? $150.

  “Oh, well,” Paulie said, “that’s different then.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t own the dog,” said Paulie. “I just happen to be taking him home.”

  “Don’t matter. It’s your dog, ain’t it?”

  “No, it is not.”

  “You just said you got a dog.”

  “And I do,” Paulie replied, “but I don’t own the dog.”

  “One fifty.”

  “I think not,” Paulie said and pointed to the sign. “That clearly states that it is one hundred and fifty dollars if you own a dog. I do not own a dog.”

  The ogre paused and scratched one of its teeth. She seemed to be weighing what she should do. She grunted and went to talk with a couple of other agents and then came back.

  “You win. No fee.”

  Paulie smiled to himself as another ogre stepped up on a chair.

  “Attention,” he said. “How many of you own a dog?”

  A bunch of hands went up.

  “One fifty,” the ogre said with a smile.

  People began complaining.

  “I don’t have the dog with me,” said one traveler.

  “The dog is in the kennel when we travel,” said another.

  “My son stayed at home with the dog so we could have a second honeymoon,” a lady said.

  “Don’t matter,” the ogre replied. “Dis guy just point out what sign says.” He held up the sign.

  People were giving Paulie the stink eye as he cut through the lobby and headed to his room.

  The room was nice enough. A second-floor unit with thin carpeting and disjointedly colored furniture. But it was clean and it offered a pleasant view of the courtyard.

  Mr. Biscuits had jumped onto the bed and was curled up on the side nearest the balcony.

  Paulie sighed. He was exhausted, but it was so difficult to sleep during the night.

  He flipped on the TV. and saw information about the ogre Bike-a-Bing travel service. There were several different destinations, including Pren and a scenic tour of the Klaken Mountains, but he was only interested in getting to Gakoonk. He resolved to make a reservation first thing in the morning.

  The next channel was showing the latest installment of Princes Gone Missing.

  “Stupid show,” Paulie said, flipping the channel.

  There was nothing worth watching, so he decided to try napping.

  He disrobed down to his undergarments and then crawled into bed. Mr. Biscuits got up and scratched at the covers until he could get his head under them. He kept pushing until he was finally pressed up against Paulie.

  Again, Paulie sighed.

  ALTERNATE MODES OF TRAVEL

  Hubintegler was almost completely dead when the trolley rolled into the station. Gnomes were known for early mornings and quiet nights.

  “I know we ain’t exactly hit it off,” Maraleeloulou said as the other passengers were filing out, “but if you wanna hit up some chow—”

  “Not interested,” Stelan said.

  “Yeah, I know your name already.”

  “No,” Stelan said with a sigh. “I am not interested.”

  “Right,” Maraleeloulou said slowly, “and I am Maraleeloulou. We’ve been through this already.”

  “It’s not my name, you mindless twit. It’s my level of interest in spending time with you.”

  “Oh,” she said and then appeared to have a little eureka moment. “Oh! You mean that’s not your name?”

  Stelan’s jaw fell open. He just blinked at her while wondering how simple a person could be.

  “You’re just rude,” she said. “And that goes for all the others like you, too!”

  She stormed off the trolley. Stelan seriously didn’t understand how some people aimed so far out of their league when searching for a mate. Imagine him, a well-to-do, exceedingly attractive man, shacking up with a woman of her class. He scoffed at the idea. Why, the woman was traveling by trolley for heaven’s sake!

  “Yo,” the driver said, jolting Stelan from his thoughts, “get off the trolley.”

  “Right,” Stelan said, deflated.

  His first stop was the portal. He couldn’t get a readout on the Fez portal situation with his ePad. It wasn’t picking up the signal. One would expect that Hubintegler would have the best connectivity, which it did if you had a GnomePad. In the land of the gnomes, though, ePads were not quite as functional.

  The portal room was empty other than a little gnome who was facing his screen. Of all the portal rooms Stelan had been to, this was the cleanest and most high-tech looking. It had dark metal panels, multicolored buttons, and tons of screens on each of its eight walls. The floor tiles lit up slightly as he walked across them, leading to a glowing platform where the portal itself was housed.

  “Hello, hello, hello,” said the gnome who was manning t
he station.

  “Yeah,” Stelan replied with a grunt. “What’s the status of the portal?”

  “Down, down, down,” came the sad reply.

  “Must you say everything three times?”

  “I didn’t know I was.” The gnome stood up straight and looked this way and that. “Kind of funny, though, isn’t it?”

  “No,” Stelan said. “What would be funny is the scene of me snapping off your little arms and legs.”

  The gnome’s eyes went wide and he gulped.

  “When is the portal going to be fixed?” Stelan asked. “And don’t answer that question enthusiastically.”

  “Soon,” the gnome whispered.

  “Do you have anything more definitive than that?”

  “Real soon?”

  “Fine,” Stelan said, taking a slow, deep breath. “What is the status on the Fez portal?”

  “Can’t get to Fez from here. You have to go to Yergarn first.”

  “I know that you little twerp,” Stelan said, “but I see no point in going to Yergarn if the portal to Fez is down and I can’t get a solid connection to the UnderNet from here.”

  “True,” the gnome replied, looking scared. “I will check straightaway.”

  There was no place worse in the land of Ononokin than this wretched town.

  Hubintegler made him sick.

  He sneered at the thought of the city.

  “Fez portal is open,” the gnome said with a big smile.

  “Damn,” Stelan said.

  “But the Fez workers are on strike.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes, yes, only allowing incoming travelers. No outgoing at this time. Happens all the time.”

  “Good…that’s amazingly good,” Stelan said, shocked and relieved. Things hadn’t exactly gone his way on this mission. He reset his glare. “Now, I’m going to ask this again, and I want you to seriously think about giving me an answer that makes a bit of sense: When will your portal be back online?”

  The gnome looked to be putting some actual thought into the question this time. “Tomorrow afternoon,” he said finally. “You see, it’s just that my startup procedures aren’t working as I had planned. I guess it’s a glitch in the subroutines under the Snedtoogly Clomature—”