Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  Until next time, I wish you excitement!

  Your friend always,

  Paulie

  A LETTER FROM CARL

  Hello Reader,

  This letter is being written on my behalf. Basically, I’m talking it and someone is writing it down in a professional manner.*

  I just wanted to thank those esteemed fellows for writing this book and for each of you supporting them in their work. While it may have just been a fun little adventure for you, to me it was life-changing.

  Why?

  Because I ended up getting my own bike, which helped me start my own business! Now I can charge reasonable prices, unlike the Bike-a-Bing service, and I get to keep all the money. Also, it means that I can give the level of customer service I want too. For example, I now provide a “Picnic in the Park” ride for newlyweds. It’s been making a killing.

  But the most important part is that I was finally in a position to ask my beloved Percie to marry me. Actually, I’d asked her before (a lot) but now that I have my own bike she can see a future with me. We’re going to be married in a month!

  So, again, I heartily thank you all for reading these tales. Many lives are affected when they put pen to paper. I am living proof!

  All the best!

  ~Carl

  P.S. If you’re ever in Fez and need a bike ride, look up Carl’s Carriages. Mention this book and we’ll give you 10% off your first ride.

  *Need to take the “Ogre” out of your writing? Contact the Jett Penman Company. We’ll make you look smart!

  HIGHWAYWOMAN

  Modacio stood at the edge of the road, looking toward town. It was common knowledge that Teggins, the current head of the Thieves Union in Dakmenhem, was the mold for punctuality. Fortunately, he was also one that went for outmoded forms of transportation, which meant he’d be easy to ambush.

  Her first thought had been to go straight up to the Burnt Amber Tavern and just ask to see him, but there was something about having a contract on your head worth 50,000 in gold that made you question the logic of showing your face at the headquarters of the Thieves Union.

  “Him der yet?” asked Modacio’s counterpart, Kone, a massive gray Ogre with jutting teeth and rippling muscles who had stepped out onto the road and was looking directly into the sunlight that cascaded through his wisps of hair.

  “Get back behind the trees, you idiot.”

  Kone sulked back. “Sorry.”

  Modacio shook her head in wonderment at why an Ogre of such incredible stupidity would want to get into a life of thieving. Then she paused and was forced to ask herself why she had hired such an Ogre.

  Kone wasn’t all that bad once you figured out how to work with him. The key thing he brought to the table was brawn. Modacio had the brains, and while she was also quite capable with an assortment of weaponry, not to mention hand-to-hand combat, she lacked that imposing hugeness that Kone carried naturally. Plus, Kone had been gifted with a specific skill that sometimes came in handy. He could knock a person in the head with a carefully controlled force that would erase their memory back a certain amount of time. She hadn’t believed it when they’d first met, but after seeing him in action a few times, she offered him a partnership. It wasn’t technically a partnership, but Ogres don’t take well to having bosses, per se, being that they’re quite into socialism. But Modacio made sure that Kone understood that their partnership was the kind where he did what she said, not because she was the boss, but because she had the brains. He was leery at first, but warmed up to the idea when she explained he would be receiving a “boss-level share” at 10-percent of all earnings.

  “Damn,” she said under her breath. “I’m sorry, Kone. You know I don’t really think you’re an idiot. I’m just a bit stressed out right now.”

  “Dat’s okay,” he replied with a childlike smile.

  Another peek around the tree and Modacio saw that the carriage was coming along right on schedule.

  “They’re coming,” she said. “You remember what you’re supposed to do?”

  “Yep. Stand here until you call me. Den I s’posed ta growl and stuff if dey gives you any trouble.”

  “And…?”

  “Oh, yeah, if dey get da better of you, I’m s’posed ta knock dem in der heads and make dem forget stuff.”

  “Right,” Modacio said as Kone unfurrowed his brow and groaned like someone who had just barely passed a placement exam.

  * * *

  Grubby Longthumper irritably bounced around in the back of the carriage.

  Why Teggins insisted on these traditionalisms was beyond Grubby. It had to be due to the fact that Teggins simply didn’t trust the newer modes of transport. Grubby had heard something about how the man’s mother and father met with their doom during an Ogre bike ride in Fez, but he’d never got the full skinny on the story.

  All Grubby knew was that, as a Dark Halfling, the bumpiness of a carriage ride was not fun. Worse, it didn’t help that he had to sit facing the back because Teggins took up the majority of the seat that faced forward.

  Along with his fat wallet, Teggins also had a sizable gut. To be more clear, when the horses saw Teggins climbing in for his daily ride, they knew they were in for a workout. Regardless of his interesting shape, Grubby was certain that there was a fair amount of muscle tucked under the rolls of fat because Teggins was quite capable of pushing both Orcs and Ogres around, and not just verbally.

  Grubby considered Teggins just as much of a jerk as he considered most Humans.

  The man was in a constant state of surliness, which was one of only a few redeeming qualities. Since Dark Halflings grew up in a world where surliness was a way of life, Grubby understood his boss. It should be noted that this did not mean that Grubby trusted Teggins. Far from it. But it should also be noted that as a Dark Halfling, Grubby was carefully reared to make sure he trusted no one.

  “Grubby,” said Teggins in his gruff voice, “you got the paperwork on Treneth of Dahl handy?”

  The Dark Halfling open his magical leather attache case and whispered “Treneth of Dahl” into it. An instant later the papers stuck out of the top, ready to be plucked. Grubby was not one to waste money on trinkets and fads, but he considered his briefcase as one of the best investments he’d ever made. He loved its leathery feel, and the merchant he’d gotten it from had gone to far lengths to make it match the tint of blue that composed Grubby’s skin. It was a nice touch. His ePad was also an incredible asset, but Teggins refused to use that sort of technology, and that meant Grubby had to keep actual paperwork at-the-ready.

  “Good,” Teggins said, taking the sheets and looking them over. “He’s still with Curlang Jetherby, I see.”

  “Looks like.”

  “Seems they’ve been inseparable since spending all that time together in prison.”

  “Inseparable is a good word to describe it,” Grubby said with a menacing chuckle.

  Teggins glanced over the top of the paper with a squint. “Ah,” he said without changing his expression even slightly. “Humor?”

  Grubby grunted. “Apparently not.”

  “Maybe we ought to invite Treneth down here for a bit.” Teggins stroked his tightly-trimmed, graying beard while taking a thoughtful glance out the window. “We could always do with using a wizard’s skills, especially since we’re now on somewhat even ground with each other after the fight we had and all.”

  “He ain’t gonna come down here without Jetherby.”

  “Yeah, that’s a problem,” noted Teggins. “Of course, I could clear his name if he underwent the proper reprimand process.”

  “Would do him good to get a whipping.”

  Teggins nodded. “Don’t know I can trust him, though.”

  “Especially not if he has a wizard that’s more invested in his interests than in the Union’s.”

  “Exactly.” Teggins handed back the papers and sighed. “Well, something to think about, anyway.”

  Just as Grubby was slipping the papers bac
k into his pouch, he heard a shout and a cracking noise. The carriage was slowing down, making things more bumpy.

  “Stop this infernal thing,” he could hear a female voice demanding, “or I’ll slit your throat as surely as you sit there!”

  Teggins groaned and looked at his timepiece. “Looks like we’re being robbed.”

  “Highwaymen,” Grubby confirmed with distaste.

  “Highwaywoman from the sound of it.”

  “Right, I just meant…never mind.”

  “Obviously new to the area,” said Teggins. “Break out one of the Thieves Union membership forms so that we can get things settled.”

  Grubby did so and also grabbed a pen in the process.

  The door swung open and Grubby saw a face that he’d seen before. He’d seen it many times, in fact. This is what happened when you were responsible for setting an ever-increasing price on the head of someone that the Union wanted dead. But it wasn’t her head that helped solidify that Grubby was indeed a member of the Longthumper family, meaning that he reacted in a way that all the men in his clan do when they saw a woman such as her. It was her athletic build, tight clothes, and midnight black hair. Not that her face was at all bad, mind you. She was quite the looker, even to the likes of a Dark Halfling.

  “Modacio?” Teggins said and then cackled in his weighty kind of way. “You’ve got guts coming here.”

  “It couldn’t be helped,” she replied.

  “Makes things easier, don’t you think, Grubby?”

  Grubby whipped a blade out of one of his Frebblyskin boots with the speed of a viper. An instant later the point of the blade was pressed against her jugular.

  “Looks like my second-in-command here is interested in that bounty, Modacio.”

  “I’m…I’m here to offer you a deal,” she said raggedly.

  If Teggins had a weak spot, other than handfuls of sweets and dishes of gravy, it was the prospect of a deal. Many heads were saved over the years on account of making a deal with Teggins. Grubby was one of the few who understood this about his boss’s nature. He doubted that Modacio knew about this personality quirk, but, assuming that the deal was worthwhile, luck was on her side.

  “I’m listening,” Teggins said with a tilt of his head and a wave of his hand.

  Grubby lowered the knife and casually slid it back into his boot. Then he patted the seat beside him and Modacio cautiously sat down.

  “Do you remember the Zomboner Corporation?” she said, after a moment.

  “The one that made the willy pills?” asked Grubby.

  Modacio looked down at him. “Willy pills?”

  “Makes the ding-ding poke up when it don’t wanna.”

  “Yes, those,” Modacio said before turning back to Teggins. “Anyway, everyone knows that they ultimately failed, and I’m more than certain that thousands of men were sad about that, but I know why they failed.”

  “And you think that by telling me why they failed that I’m going to spare your head?” Teggins said with piercing eyes.

  Modacio swallowed hard. “What I’m offering is this: I do everything that’s necessary to get the Zombie parts, go through the processes, including the one that Zomboner Corp was missing—the one that caused them to fail—and bring you back a finished product that actually works.”

  Teggins gave her a tight stare. “Are you saying you think I need a little lift?”

  Grubby fought to hold back a laugh.

  “Huh? Ohhh…no, no no,” Modacio replied in a rush, waving her hands dramatically. “A man of your, uh, stature? Surely not!”

  “That’s right,” Teggins said, looking from side to side. “I’m doing just fine in that department, let me tell you.”

  “I’m sure you are,” Modacio said. “No doubt at all.”

  There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

  “Anyway,” she continued, “while you are, I would imagine, above and beyond the virility level of the average, well, man, there are thousands of men who would drop heavy sums of coin to get a bit of help for their…uh—”

  “Willy,” Grubby offered helpfully.

  Modacio smiled nervously and nodded with a shrug.

  “Hmmm,” said Teggins as the air grew thick in the carriage.

  Even though Grubby had seen Teggins in negotiations countless times, there was just something about the way the man applied critical thinking that gave those around him the feeling that something was about to come undone. The flood of facial contortions and barely audible grunts and incessant mumbling was most unnerving. And once he got started, there was no stopping him until he reached his final conclusion, which, by all accounts, would be final. It was a rare thing that Teggins left anything to chance.

  “Gnff…fneff…grumble…” said Teggins in his own world.

  “There goes that, then,” said Grubby in a gruff whisper.

  “What’s he…doing?”

  “Thinking.”

  “Hnng…krem…baff…”

  “Is that what that is?”

  “Easier for some than others, I suppose,” Grubby answered.

  “Moop…vlek…denbo…cim…”

  “It’s a solid plan,” she began toward Teggins, but Grubby pulled on her arm and shushed her. “I’m trying to give him additional—”

  “Won’t matter,” Grubby interrupted. “He never starts into this kind of mental percolation unless he’s got enough info. If you add anything to the mix, it’ll just prove to take him longer. Plus, usually when people offer more information, he ends up giving a no. So unless you want today to be the day where you find it really challenging to wear a hat, you’d be best to just leave him to it for now.”

  “Why would I find it challenging to wear a hat?”

  “Hard to put on a hat when you ain’t got a head.”

  “Ah, I see.”

  “Ngrad…oolock…snako…woongie…”

  “But if I could just explain the numbers that I’ve found, it’d make his mind up right away.”

  “Look, babe,” said Grubby with a grimace, “he knows all about the finances. You don’t get to our height in this biz without knowing the value of things. That ain’t the issue. Problem is that he don’t trust you, and rightly so. You did cause the last boss to end up in the clink.”

  “That was an accident,” she said quietly.

  “Idoo…wep…pew…oodi…”

  “You led the cops right to the guy’s place!” Grubby pointed out. “And let’s not forget that you done that after you dropped the Diamond of Zoolah in his lap.”

  “I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.”

  “Agoot? Agat?”

  They paused their discussion as Teggins seemed to be asking questions.

  “Ustoo…yem…blee!”

  “Anyway,” Grubby continued, “leading the cops to your boss’s place is never what you’re supposed to do.”

  “I didn’t know they were following me.”

  “But they did follow you and that’s why your head is worth so much.”

  “I know,” she said, sullen. “Like I said, it was an accident.”

  For some reason, Grubby believed her. Probably because she had a great rack. Regardless, her head was worth a good 50k in gold. A Dark Halfling could see a lot of great racks with 50k in gold.

  “Shwip…schwap…schwoop…”

  “Ah,” Grubby said with an accomplished look, “he’s starting to finish up now.”

  “How can you tell?”

  “Glip…glap…gloop…”

  “Oh,” Modacio said. “I hear it, yes.”

  “Frip…frap…froop…”

  And just like that, Teggins was back in the world. His eyes refocused on Modacio and his eyebrows closed in on one another.

  “Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Teggins said in his dominant way. “You’re gonna get this boner medication set up like you said and you’re gonna get a lot of it. I can see millions in gold pouring in for a product like that. If it works, your name gets cl
eared and you can rejoin the Thieves Union. No harm, no foul. But if you fail, or if it doesn’t work, then the price on your head doubles.”

  “Plus my cut?” she said hopefully.

  “Cut of what?”

  “Sales?”

  “Not gonna happen. The only cut you’re getting is the one that happens if you don’t bring back them pills.”

  “Right,” she said nervously. “Can’t blame a girl for trying.”

  “Sure I can,” Teggins said.

  “Can I at least have a pass until this mission is done?”

  “I’ll clear your contract for a while. You’ll get safe passage from my crew, but only if you stick to the mission.”

  “How are we gonna know if she sticks to the mission?” said Grubby.

  “I thought of that,” said Teggins, keeping his eyes on Modacio. “I’m going to send one of my men with her to keep tabs on every move she makes. He’ll report everything back to me. If she makes one slip-up, the bounty doubles.”

  “Who’s it gonna be, then?” Grubby said, putting pen to paper.

  “You.”

  “Yu Wazan?” Grubby replied with a nod. “He’s in Pren on business. I’m sure I can get in touch with him through normal channels.” He pointed at the paper. “Not this old crap you insist we keep using.”

  “No, not Yu,” said Teggins. “You.”

  “Oh, you mean Redler Yu of the West Wanderers. Haven’t seen him in years. A bit of dullard, if you ask me.”

  “Grubby,” Teggins said, leaning forward enough to make the carriage whine slightly as he poked a chubby finger at the Dark Halfling’s chest, “you are going with her.”

  Grubby bridled. “Me?”

  Teggins sat back. “Yep. And I want everything documented.” Then Teggins looked back at Modacio and said, “If you do anything stupid, he’ll tell me. And if you do anything to him to make him not tell me, I’ll know because he won’t have told me nothin’.”

  “But what if there’s nothing to tell?”

  “Then he’ll tell me that.”

  “Fine,” she said while nodding. “I accept the terms.”