Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  “I should probably just take him out,” Huido said.

  “What’s that?” Tootz asked, bringing the TalkyThingy back to her ear.

  “I said that I should probably just take that Gnome out.”

  “I see,” Tootz said, learning something about the Halfia leader that she’d not anticipated. “I didn’t know you had a thing for Gnomes.”

  “What are you talking about. Oh, wait, no, not like that! I mean I should just off the guy. Not much chance to do that anymore and I’m an in-town kind of thug, ya know? Going out to the barn district ain’t much my speed. But if I off the guy, that’ll show other businesses what happens if they try to relocate to the barn district.”

  “Ah, right,” Tootz said while nodding before realizing that nobody could see her. She stopped nodding. “I’m sure you know your business better than I do, but you’d probably make more money the old way.”

  “True,” replied Huido with a sigh. “Never get to use the knife anymore. It’s tough being in a town of wimps.” He paused. “We do kind of need the money, though. Been thinking about getting a new TV for the lounge. This one’s okay and all, but it ain’t got that sheen that the newer models got. I suppose I could just get a ‘donation’ of a new TV from Okay Buy, but that kind of thing always makes me feel like I owe something in return. Rather get the cash and buy what I want.” He groaned. “Guess I’ll just do the standard roll up on this Whirligig guy. Hit him in the pocketbook. Offer him protection.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “What’s in it for you, Tootz?”

  “Whatever do you mean?” she asked innocently.

  “Don’t play me,” Huido said. “I’m not like you’re Human assistant. You’ve got an angle. What is it?”

  “Well,” she replied, “I believe Contraptions, LLC is your biggest supplier of knives, crossbows, and brass knuckles, yes?”

  “You’re the only supplier. Ain’t no other options.”

  “So it’s in my best interest to keep you busy, then, right?”

  “Got it,” Huido replied with a gruff chuckle. “You’re a classy dame, Tootz. I’ll give ya that. We’ll get over there tomorrow and put the works on the guy.”

  He hung up without even a “goodbye.” She put the TalkyThingy down and padded off to the bathroom to soak for a while.

  “You sure you don’t want to see who wins The Next HTTV Troll Design Star?”

  “What do I care who wins?” she replied as she disrobed and stepped into the steaming water, feeling the warmth engulf her. “Besides, it’s pretty obvious who’s going to take the title anyway, isn’t it?”

  “Never know. That’s what makes it so exciting.”

  “I’ll pass,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  MOVING IN

  Gappy woke up early, checked out of the trailer park, and headed down the road that winded to the barn district. The clouds looked suspicious when he’d woken up that morning, but by the time he’d arrived at his new property the sky was clear.

  The first thing on his agenda was to find a permanent place for his house. He didn’t want to have to drag it around with him every time he went into town, so he surveyed the area until the perfect spot unveiled itself. It sat across from the barn, closer to the main driveway entrance, right by a lonely tree that Gappy suspected would give a nice picturesque view to visitors.

  Mr. Cloogate had warned him that the gear system on the main crank could be on the dastardly side if Gappy didn’t take his time, but that was okay since Gappy’s goal was to only have to do this once. His hope was that this would be his permanent resting spot. Set up shop, get clients, build the Whirligig, get his name on the map, and then move the shop into the city. That was the plan, but having his home out in the woods would remain a constant. Assuming he was successful enough, anyway.

  He was probably more careful than Mr. Cloogate would have been. He’d even checked the wheely engine oil double the amount of times over the last couple of days than Mr. Cloogate had recommended.

  With each turn of the crank, he dropped down and ran from corner to corner, making sure that they were all even and that nothing was overly strained. The entire ordeal took a good 30 minutes to complete, but when he pulled the wheely engine and trailer away, the scene was amazing. The tree was perfectly set to the left of the house and the backdrop of the forest brought him calm. If only there’d been a small pond, it would have been perfect. Fortunately, a pond could be added at any time.

  For now, though, he needed to move all of his tools and such into the barn. That was going to take all day, if not longer.

  “Hey, Gappy,” Shrit said as he plodded up the driveway, looking beat. “House looks great.”

  Gappy looked at his timepiece. It was after 9 a.m. already. “You’re late.”

  “I thought you were going to pick me up,” Shrit countered.

  “How would I do that?”

  “I could’ve ridden on top of the house.”

  Gappy looked him over and then judged the house for a moment.

  “I don’t know if it’s strong enough for that,” he said. “It’d have to be substantially reinforced.”

  “Ah well,” Shrit said, “not going to argue that with a mechanical engineer. So what do you need me to do?”

  Gappy pointed at the front of the trailer. There were tons of little boxes and tool chests littering it. Truth be told, Gappy had not been looking forward to this part of the move. It had taken him and Mr. Cloogate an entire afternoon to pack it all up, so he assumed it would take another afternoon for him and Shrit to unpack it.

  “We have to get all of that stuff into the barn,” he said wearily.

  “Wait a sec,” Shrit said. “That’s it?”

  “That’s the concept of moving, Shrit,” Gappy said wryly. “Take something from one place and put it into another.”

  Shrit frowned at him. “My point is to ask if all we’re moving are these little boxes?”

  “Little to you, maybe.”

  “Exactly.”

  Shrit walked off into the barn and came back with a large box, from Gappy’s perspective anyway. He then quickly filled it with all of the little boxes, except one, which he handed to Gappy, and then he carried it into the barn.

  “There ya go,” said Shrit as he set the box down. “Simple.”

  “Wow,” Gappy said with a shake of his head. “Where were you when I was loading all of this stuff up?”

  “In Planoontik.”

  “No, I was just …”

  “I’m joking, Gappy,” Shrit said with a roll of his eyes.

  “Oh, right. Well, thanks for this.”

  “It’s nothing. Maybe you can help me move one day.”

  “And you’ll buy me lunch and dinner in return?”

  “I’ll bet that’ll be a lot less of a cost for me,” Shrit said, almost smacking Gappy on the back, but fortunately holding himself in check. “So, now what?”

  “Well, I still have to unpack and set everything up, but that’s something I kind of need to do by myself.”

  Shrit sat down in cross-legged fashion and started playing with one of the boards that stood by the wall.

  “Kind of hoping that the cameras were going to show up again,” Shrit said wistfully.

  “You like that acting thing a lot, huh?” Gappy asked as he started to open boxes.

  “Truthfully, I’d have to say no. I’m just not good at anything else.”

  “You did the Rent-A-Friend pretty well.”

  “You think?” Shrit said. “Kind of felt like I was being a pain.”

  “It’s day two and you’re still here,” Gappy noted, “and I’m not paying you anymore, except for the lunch and dinner, I suppose.”

  “Just goes to show that I’m crap at that job, too.”

  Gappy dragged over a little step stool to the work bench that sat by the wall. He would have to build a bench that was more suiting to his size, obviously, or make a long step stool that spanned the entirety of the large
r desk. He puzzled over that thought for a moment before realizing what Shrit had just said.

  “Huh?” he asked.

  “Think about it, Gappy. If I were any good at it, I’d be making money off you right now instead of just sitting in your barn being all friendly for nothing.”

  “You’re getting lunch,” Gappy pointed out, not sure if he should feel offended or not.

  “And dinner.”

  “Right.”

  “I guess that’s something.” Shrit took a deep breath and put his head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. “The problem is that I never seem to get anywhere with anything I do. I’ve tried being a bodyguard. I’ve tried being a customer service representative. I worked as a bouncer at one of the pubs in town. And I’ve been struggling to be an actor for the last year. Nothing ever works.”

  Gappy couldn’t truly understand. He grew up knowing exactly what he’d wanted to do. Most of the other Gnomes he knew in school had talked about becoming all sorts of things. An astronaut in the Dwarf Aeronautic and Space Administration (DASA), which seemed ridiculous to Gappy since, indicated by its title, they only accepted Dwarfs; the chief of the fire department; the commissioner of the police force; and various other heroic-sounding jobs. But Gappy had never wanted to be anything other than an engineer. It was in his blood.

  “I’m sure you’ll find your niche, Shrit.”

  “Doubt it.”

  Gappy hooked up the flame gun to the gas tank that he’d moved under the work bench. He gave it a quick once-over and then moved to the next box.

  “Shouldn’t you check that connection for leaks?” Shrit asked.

  “Why?” Gappy said, looking at the gas tank.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Shrit said sarcastically, “maybe so we don’t just suddenly explode?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Everyone knows that a gas leak is a bad thing, Gappy. It causes things to go boom.”

  Gappy stopped what he was doing and thought back to his father and the countless other Gnomes who had gone up in a sudden ball of flames.

  “Apparently not everyone,” he said. “How do you check for leaks?”

  “Put a little soapy water on it. If you see bubbles, you got a leak.”

  “That’s an amazing idea,” Gappy said. “Did you work in engineering or something?”

  “Construction. Only lasted a week.”

  “What happened?”

  “Showed up late for the job. Boss got mad and called me a stupid Orc. I got mad and threw him through the wall of the house.”

  “Fired you, eh?”

  “No, I got promoted. Didn’t last though ‘cause I kept throwing my workers through walls when they did stupid things.”

  “Hmmm,” Gappy said, feeling somewhat anxious after hearing that.

  Shrit must have noticed the sudden discomfort, because he said, “Don’t worry, Gappy. I’ve never thrown one of the little people around. Not on purpose anyway. I mean, that smack on your back yesterday was unintentional and all. Just being friendly.”

  Gappy felt bad for the Orc. He seemed like a nice enough fellow. A little rough around the edges maybe, but he was an Orc, even if he had been raised by Humans.

  Regardless, Gappy had a lot to do and the chit chat wasn’t helping him to get it done. He had to admit that the checking for leaks idea was pretty smart. Gappy would have to send a note to Mr. Cloogate regarding that tidbit of safety information. For now, though, he had to work.

  “Look, there’s not much I can ask you to do around here. I had expected all the carrying and such to take some time, but you made that happen fast. So now it’s just a case of me setting things up and then starting to work.” He reached into his pocket and counted out what he thought should cover food costs for the Orc and handed it over. “Here’s enough money for lunch and dinner. Thanks for saving me all the time with the moving, not to mention the backache, and the suggestion about the gas hose.”

  Shrit took the money, but he seemed baffled. “So that’s it? You’re throwing me out?”

  “I wouldn’t say I’m throwing you out, Shrit. I’ve just got a lot to do and I’d just imagine you’d be bored sitting here all day while I work.”

  “No, I wouldn’t.”

  “Plus,” Gappy continued, “I need to keep my focus.”

  “And I’ll just be a distraction,” Shrit said sadly. “I get it.”

  “Look, Shrit,” Gappy said apologetically, “that came out wrong. What I meant was …”

  “I know what you meant, Gappy. I get it all the time.” He pushed himself up and headed to the door. “Swell meeting you. Thanks for the money and the fake friendship.”

  “Oh come on, Shrit,” Gappy said, “that’s not fair.”

  “No,” Shrit agreed, “it’s not. Goodbye, Gappy.”

  JUST NOT GETTING IT

  Gappy felt like a heel as Shrit stormed off, but how was this his fault? He’d gone to Rent-A-Friend for goodness sakes! Shrit seemed like a nice enough guy and all, but was there any chance of a steady friendship? Gappy was a Gnome and Shrit was an Orc. Even if Shrit had been raised by Humans, they were still fairly distant on the having-things-in-common chart.

  “I just hired him because I had to,” Gappy said aloud as he heaved boxes and tools from place to place, trying to get everything set up. “It was a stupid requirement to get the fifty percent off this barn. Had I known he was going to be all upset about our contract being done, I would have opted for the Elf!” He paused and recalled the Elf. “Okay, maybe the Ogre or a Dwarf, but not Shrit. The nerve of him to get mad at me for just concluding a business arrangement.”

  One of the key components for any industrious Gnome’s success was to make sure his tools were set in the proper fashion. He thought back to his father’s layout and started putting things in place according to that mental picture. There would be a few tweaks because Gappy wasn’t quite as big as his father had been.

  “I mean, sure, he’s a nice enough guy, and he helped me out a lot with the boxes—even though I did pay for it—but that doesn’t mean that we’re best friends for life. I just met him!”

  Suddenly, Gappy slumped. He was tired, full of nerves, still mourning over the loss of his father, and he had gone against the Age of Tinkering rule. But that was no excuse for how he was acting right now.

  “Who are you trying to kid, Gappy?” he said as he reverently placed a set of goggles on the table that had been handed down to him from his great grandfather. “Shrit obviously needs a friend and you’ve been more worried about your business than about being a decent Gnome. Your mother would tan your hide, were she still among the living.”

  “Who you talkin’ to?”

  Gappy jumped and fell off the stool, landing on his rump before spinning to the sound of the voice. He saw three Dark Halflings standing at the doorway to the barn. Maybe these were potential customers?

  “Good morning,” he said with as much professionalism as he could muster. “How are you today?”

  “We’re good.”

  “I’m Gappy Whirligig,” Gappy said, putting out his hand as he approached.

  The Dark Halfling didn’t shake his hand in return; instead, he pointed at himself and his two friends. “Name’s Huido, and this is Fingernails and Grumbles.”

  “Interesting names,” Gappy said, lowering his hand. “What can I help you with today?”

  “We saw you on that Barn Hunters show last night and decided to come out and sell you some protection.”

  “Protection?” said Gappy.

  “Yeah, protection. Word has it that you’s settin’ up a business here.”

  “That’s correct,” Gappy replied powerfully. “I’m a mechanical engineer.”

  “Of course you are,” Huido said with a laugh. “You’re a flippin’ Gnome. What else is you gonna be?”

  His cohorts laughed at that. Well, the one named Fingernails did anyway. The other one said something like, “Mummin’ fummin’ ha ha
.”

  “Not all Gnomes are engineers,” Gappy said quietly.

  “Whatever. Bottom line is that you need to have protection so that bad things don’t happen, yeah?”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s easy-peasy. You’re out one day walking around town, see? You get home and find out that all your precious tools there have been smashed up. We protect against things like that happening.”

  “Oh, I get it,” Gappy said, thinking that they were just like Mr. Mishaps from back home. “You’re insurance salesmen.”

  “Not exactly. Think of it like a group of people who make sure that you don’t need no insurance.”

  “That was a double-negative,” Gappy noted.

  “What’s that?”

  “Saying that I don’t need no insurance is actually saying that I, in fact, need insurance.”

  “You being a wise guy?” Huido asked.

  “I don’t think so,” Gappy answered.

  “Let me put it to you this way, Whirligig,” Huido said gruffly, “you either purchase protection, or your fine equipment there might end up busted up pretty bad.”

  Gappy was shocked. “Who would do such a thing? I’ve heard only good things about the people of Planoontik.”

  “You’re pulling my leg, right, pal?”

  “Again, I don’t think so.”

  Huido looked back at Fingernails and Grumbles. “You believe this guy?”

  “Sounds like a wise guy to me,” Fingernails stated.

  “Mummin’ fummin’ wise guy,” Grumbles offered.

  “What did he say?” asked Gappy.

  “Who knows. That’s why we call him Grumbles. Ain’t that right, Grumbles?”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ yep.”

  Huido shrugged. “So what’s it going to be, Whirligig? We doin’ this the hard way or the easy way?”

  Suddenly a very irate Shrit came bolting through the door, knocking the Dark Halflings out of the way as if they weren’t even there.

  “What kind of person acts like this to another person?” Shrit was saying in a booming voice that was laced with frustration. “A bad person, that’s what kind. You sicken me. You’re just like all the rest.”