Comedic Fantasy Bundle #1: 4 Hilarious Adventures (Tales from the land of Ononokin)

by John P. Logsdon

  Now you’re just showing off, Conscious said lamely.

  WAKE UP!

  Gappy jolted upright, knocking his head on the slanted roof that served as his headboard. If only he’d moved down a few inches in his bed, he would have bolted up into the skylight bubble and been just fine. He’d have to remember that.

  “Ouch,” he said, rubbing his head.

  He felt instantly irritable, as if he’d been in an argument with some know-it-all who was telling him what was what and who was who.

  A ting-ting-crash! sound paused him from rubbing the soon-to-be bump on his head. In between Shrit’s cacophony of sounds, he heard it again, and again. It seemed to be coming from outside. He focused in on it until somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind a single word fought its way through.

  Barn, it said.

  Gappy had the sudden urge to say, “Show off,” but he couldn’t explain why.

  Ting-ting-crash!

  Why would that be coming from the barn? he wondered in his half-awake state.

  Ting-ting-crash! Ting-crash! Crash-crash-crash!

  Barn! Move it!

  An instant later, Gappy was fully awake and aware that something bad was happening.

  “Shrit, get up!”

  The Orc sat up straight and forward, smacking his forehead on the archway that separated the living room from the foyer.

  “Ouch,” he said with a grunt. “What’d you yell at me for?”

  “There’s something going on in the barn.”

  Ting-ting-ting-tong-twang-crash!

  “Tell me you heard that,” Gappy said.

  “I heard that, all right.”

  Gappy scurried down the ladder and tried to get out the door, but Shrit’s huge legs and feet were in the way.

  “Move, move, move!”

  “I’m trying!”

  Finally, Gappy burst out into the night and began running to the barn. Shrit was slower to get out of the house, but his lengthy stride had him catching up with Gappy as they reached the barn door.

  Two flashlights zipped this way and that.

  “Hey,” Gappy yelled.

  The flashlights turned to point at the Gnome.

  “What are you doing in here?” Shrit said menacingly.

  The flashlights slowly went up and up and up until they were focused on the face of an Orc who looked rather unhappy at having his sleep disturbed.

  “Uh oh,” said one of the flashlight carriers, “we gotta roll.”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ runnin’,” said the other voice.

  The flashlights shut off, turning everything pitch black again. Gappy felt the rush of wind as the two bodies flew past him and out into the night.

  “They’re getting away,” Gappy said.

  “I’ll get them,” Shrit replied as he turned and ran off into the night.

  Gappy fumbled around near the wall, trying to find the flashlight that he’d put there before they’d gone to bed. He knew there was no way that he could catch the thugs himself. Shrit had a better chance at that.

  Finally, he found the flashlight and flicked it on.

  His heart sank.

  The place was a wreck. Tools were thrown all over the place, many of them bent or broken, there were holes in the wall, and his workbench was smashed to bits.

  He struggled through the rubble, kicking things out of the way.

  “Of all the stupidest, no-good, low-life things ...” He fought to calm himself as he lifted up a saw blade that had all of its teeth knocked off. “I’m going to be paying the law a visit in the morning, you can bet on that. Unbelievable.”

  He continued milling about in the mess over the next 30 minutes until a glow of light started coming up, signaling that the day was beginning. He turned off the flashlight as his eyes adjusted, and then he started cleaning up the mess, not sure what else he should do. With any luck, Shrit had both of the criminals in hand by now, or had at least given them a lashing before letting them run off.

  Actually, it had been a while since the Orc had chased after the creeps. Gappy felt a sudden tightening in his chest at the thought that Shrit may have been hurt by them instead.

  He turned to run outside at the same moment that Shrit walked back through the door. While it still wasn’t bright enough to get a great picture of things, what Gappy could see didn’t look good. Shrit had a bloody nose, a fat lip, and what appeared to be a black eye, and there was most certainly a cut on his cheek.

  “Whoa,” Gappy said, motioning Shrit to sit down. “Are you okay?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” Shrit grunted.

  “Let me get the first-aid kit.” Gappy turned over pieces of wood one by one until he saw the white box with the red “Fixum’ Up” lettering. He ran back to Shrit. “Here are some bandages and ointment,” he said as he dragged a step ladder over and started working on Shrit’s wounds. “This stuff stings, but it works wonders. Just stay still.”

  “Ouch,” Shrit yelped, pulling away from Gappy. “That hurts.”

  “I know it does, but it’ll help. Just stay still.”

  “But it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!”

  “Goodness,” Gappy said in shock. “I’ve seen baby Gnomes tougher than you, Shrit.”

  “Nuh uh.”

  “You’ve got to stay still. It’ll just be another few seconds.”

  Shrit whimpered and twitched. “I told you bad things happened in the dark.”

  “They roughed you up pretty good, eh?”

  “What?” Shrit said, grimacing. “They didn’t do this to me.”

  “Oh. What happened, then?”

  Shrit sighed. “I ran into a damn tree.”

  Gappy tried not to laugh.

  “Don’t you dare laugh, Gappy,” Shrit warned. “Don’t forget that I can throw you incredibly far.”

  FIRST CONTRACT

  They hadn’t bothered to go back to sleep, seeing as the sun was already on its way up. There was already so much to do and now Gappy was faced with the prospect of spending money on replacement tools.

  “You sure you’re going to be okay here by yourself, Shrit?”

  Aside from his face looking like it’d been used as a punching bag for an upcoming Ultimate Dragon Fighting Championship (UDFC) bout, Shrit seemed to be in good spirits. “I’ll be fine,” he said. “So you just want me to gather up all the trash over here, and put all of the stuff that’s still in good shape upstairs, right?”

  “Please,” answered Gappy. “It’ll be much harder for those Halfia idiots to get to it on the second floor, especially when I install the lift.” His TalkyThingy chimed, showing him that he’d received a message. “And it looks like Planoontik Electric has activated our power, too.” He climbed up his little ladder and flipped the switch. The barn filled with light in response.

  “That’s much better,” Shrit said. “My eyesight in the dark isn’t as good as yours apparently.”

  “Or those Dark Halflings.”

  “True.” Shrit stuck his head through the hole that went up to the second floor. “Not sure if the floor up here will support me or not, but there’s plenty of wood around, so I’ll get it reinforced.”

  “Great,” said Gappy. “You okay with me heading to town for supplies?”

  “No problem. I’ll have everything ready to go by the time you get back.”

  Gappy hopped into his wheely engine and headed to town.

  One of the interesting things about Gnome wheely engines was that they were normal-sized, meaning that they were comparable in size to vehicles like the Humbee. Where they were different was that the driving compartment was much smaller. Gappy could fit a family of Gnomes inside and probably even a Halfling or a Dwarf, but anything approaching the size of Human was a definite no-go. Shrit would crush the wheely engine if he sat on top of it, for example. A Human or Elf could drive it if they stuck in the extendo-wheel and sat on the top. Actually, some Humans quite enjoyed traveling in such fashion.

  He pulled onto the
main street and found a parking spot right in front of Tuss’s Hardware Depot. It was a small place when compared with the larger buildings surrounding it, but stature wasn’t something that Gappy fussed over. Plus, the owner had been wise enough to install an inset door for smaller customers, and that rang honorable to Gappy.

  As soon as he walked in, a kindly looking Human with an Upperworld Southern accent approached him.

  “How’re ya doin’,” he said in a sing-song voice. “Well, I’ll be … ain’t you that feller that was on Barn Hunters?”

  “Yes, sir,” Gappy replied, shaking the man’s hand. “I just moved in and I’m in need of some tools for my workshop.”

  “Good ter have ya.” He pointed both thumbs at himself. “Name’s Tuss.”

  “You can call me Gappy.”

  “Ya need tools, eh? Surprised ya don’t have a walloping set of ‘em at the ready.”

  Gappy shook his head and frowned. “I did have a nice set of tools, actually, but the Halfia paid my workshop a visit last night.”

  “Oh ... uh ... we don’t talk about that here,” Tuss said while nervously glancing around. “Accidents happen, ya know?”

  “It wasn’t an accident,” Gappy said irritably. “I saw them trashing my place with my own two eyes.” He wagged his finger. “No, no, there was no accident about it. It was completely on purpose.”

  “Again,” Tuss said insistently as the other customers began to take an interest, “we don’t talk about that around here.”

  “Well, I’m planning to go to the police and talk about it as soon as I’m done getting my tools.”

  Tuss smiled and nodded at one of the customers and then pulled Gappy over to a spot that was out of earshot.

  “A word of advice, little friend,” he whispered, “let it go and pay for the protection. The police in this town are more afraid of the Halfia than they are of the shop owners, if ya catch my meanin’.”

  “Right,” Gappy said, wondering if Mr. Cloogate may have been right about picking up a crossbow.

  “Anyway, what’s it you’re lookin’ fer?”

  Gappy reached into his pocket and unfolded a piece of paper. He thought to use his GnomePad, but there was still something about the feel of pencil and paper that called to him. Even his blueprints were done traditionally and then scanned in for easier tweaking. It just gave him a feel of the tangible, he supposed.

  “I want quality equipment, Tuss, but I don’t want to overpay for it.” Gappy was adopting the stance he’d seen his father use many times while shopping in Hubintegler. “I understand the need for profit, but please be fair.”

  “Always am, my little friend,” Tuss said as he looked over the list.

  “I’ll head back to Hubintegler for supplies, if need be.”

  “No need to get your britches in a bundle, Gappy. Old Tuss’ll give ya a solid deal.”

  “Glad to hear it.”

  “Just be a few minutes to gather all this up,” Tuss said. “Ya got a trailer of some sort?”

  “You can just put it in the trunk of my wheely engine,” Gappy answered. “It’s unlocked.”

  Tuss tallied up the damage and went over it with Gappy. It was a little pricier than what he was used to seeing in Hubintegler, and Gappy was certain that the quality would not be as good, but the difference in price to head back home would end up being more, so he signed the paper and handed over the cash.

  “Thank ya, Gappy,” Tuss said. “I’ll have one of my boys load everything up.”

  Gappy smiled and turned to leave when a man of some size got in his way.

  “Excuse me,” said the Human, “did you say you were that fellow who was on Barn Hunters last night?”

  “Yes, sir,” Gappy said smartly. “My name is Gappy Whirligig.”

  “Rigenthal Trapshure,” the man replied, sounding snotty. “You’re a mechanical engineer, yes?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Does your shop make doorknobs, Mr. Whirligig? Or you may call them twisty handles.”

  “We can make anything, Mr. Trapshure. All we need are the specifications and we can build up whatever you want.”

  “Excellent,” said Mr. Trapshure with a look of a man who had found solid footing after standing on shifting rock for a long time. “And your prices are fair?”

  “Honestly, sir, I’m not sure what constitutes fair in this town,” Gappy said with a tilt of his head, “but I know that I have a particular amount that I need to make in order for my time to be well spent.”

  “Can’t ask for more than that.”

  “Technically, I could,” admitted Gappy, “but it wouldn’t be ethical.”

  “Indeed,” Mr. Trapshure said. “Well, if you have time, Mr. Whirligig, I would like to speak with you about an order for one hundred doorknobs.”

  “Sorry, sir, did you say one hundred?”

  “Is that a problem, Mr. Whirligig?”

  “No, sir,” Gappy said excitedly. Maybe too excitedly. He quickly caught himself. “I mean, no, it’s not a problem at all.”

  “One thing, Mr. Whirligig,” Mr. Trapshure said tightly, “I do not like brass.”

  “That makes two of us, Mr. Trapshure.”

  “Excellent.”

  THE SECOND FLOOR

  The wheely engine’s nose tipped up slightly as Gappy headed back to his barn. There were a lot of tools stacked in the trunk and he was pushing hard on the pedal, which always pushed the back of the car down. He was anxious to get home, set things up, and get to work on the new contract that Mr. Trapshure had awarded him.

  He slowed down while pulling up into the driveway and found a white truck at the top of the hill. Moving around it, he saw a good number of Dark Halflings standing outside of the barn, giving it the once-over. At the head of the bunch was Huido, Fingernails, and Grumbles.

  Gappy jumped out of the wheely engine with his temper on the rise. There was no way he could take on this many Dark Halflings. Actually, he couldn’t have handled even one of them, but he was already irate at what they’d done to his tools and he wasn’t about to let them cause additional damage.

  “What’s going on here?” he yelled out as he pushed through the bunch to get to Huido.

  “We came to talk to you again about protection,” Huido stated with a grin that spelled trouble.

  Gappy had his hands on his hips now. “Protection from you and your band of ruffians, you mean?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

  “We saw Fingernails and Grumbles here last night, and they destroyed half of my shop.”

  Huido laughed sinisterly and nodded at the rest of the henchmen, who shared in his mirth.

  “Can you prove it was them?”

  “Sure, I can,” Gappy replied.

  “Oh yeah?” Huido said with a sniff. “Go ahead, then. Prove it.”

  Gappy turned to Fingernails and said, “Were you here last night?”

  “Yep,” Fingernails answered.

  “Fingernails,” Huido said while shaking his head, “how many times do we gotta have this talk? You know you ain’t supposed to answer like that.”

  “Oh, right. Sorry, boss.” Fingernails turned back to Gappy. “We wasn’t here. Nope.”

  “What about you, Grumbles?”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ we was here.”

  “Could you say that clearly, please?”

  “Mummin’ fummin’ nope.”

  Huido was beaming now. “Looks like you ain’t got much of a case, Whirligig.” The Halfia boss laughed with his boys for a moment before turning back. “So you want protection now or are we going to have to pay a few extra visits to convince ya?” His face grew menacing. “Or maybe we could just show you right now what we do to wise guys, eh?”

  The barn door suddenly popped open and Shrit stepped out. He was wiping his hands on what looked to be a towel, but Gappy could see that it was one of the bedsheets that he’d lent the Orc the night before.

  “Thought I heard you guys,”
Shrit said. “Looking for trouble again?”

  “This your bodyguard now?” Huido asked while flicking a thumb at Shrit.

  “What if he is?” Gappy answered.

  “He can’t beat twenty of us, Whirligig.”

  “You might be right,” Gappy said, moving closer to Shrit, “but how many do you think he can take out before you bring him down? And which one of you lot wants to be on the losing side of that equation?”

  “You’re playing a dangerous game, Whirligig,” Huido warned.

  “I don’t think I need your ‘protection,’ Huido, and I’m not worried about you destroying my stuff anymore. You see, while you may have a lot of toughness, I’ve got brains, and brains always wins over toughness.”

  “Uh, no, that’s not true at all,” replied Huido casually. “Most of the people that pay us protection is smarter than us. Smarter than you, too.”

  “I’ve little doubt that they’re smarter than you, Huido,” Gappy said, “but how do you figure that they’re smarter than me?”

  “‘Cause they know what happens when they don’t pay protection.”

  “You wreck their shops?”

  “Let’s just say that sometimes their offices end up getting rearranged.”

  “Sometimes their kneecaps get busted too, eh boss?” Fingernails put in.

  “Pipe down. Fingernails,” Huido said sternly. “Now, Whirligig, I’m guessin’ you don’t want that precious little shop of yours to come to further harm.”

  “I’m not worried about that, Huido,” Gappy said with a smile of his own. “Look around and I think you’ll see some changes.”

  Shrit moved out of the way to give Huido a full view through the doorway of the barn. Gappy was pleased to see that it was completely empty, and it looked like the lift was even pulled up.

  “The lift?” he said to Shrit.

  “I connected it. Was easy.”

  “Nice job,” Gappy said, thinking Shrit may have been a better hire than he’d first expected.

  “Hey,” Huido interjected, “where’s all your equipment? You leaving town already?”