by Emma Quinn
Nope, I couldn’t get lost in that train of thought, I would end up having a panic attack.
“Can we please take this elsewhere?” I begged. “I don’t think this is a chat that either of us want to have in public.” I gave him a pleading look, but it didn’t seem to get through to him at all.
“Are you afraid that your sad drama mates will hear?” he sneered spitefully. “Well I’ve got news for you, I don’t think they like you anyway because you’re shit at acting. I saw some of your rehearsal and you were terrible. I’ve never seen anything so pathetic in my entire life.”
I wanted to give back a witty retort, but nothing came out. Kevin had just said the one thing I feared most and now all the confidence that I’d built up ebbed away. I wasn’t the experienced actor here, I probably did suck. Maybe everyone else was humoring me and bitching behind my back.
“No you shut it,” Annie leapt to my defense. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. We all love Faye, you’re just saying that to be nasty.” She wrapped her arm around me protectively. “Now get out of here you meat head. Go and toss a ball around or whatever it is that you do.”
They glared at one another in the most horrific stand off I’d ever been stuck in the middle of. I wanted to say something to crack the ice cold atmosphere, but I couldn’t seem to think of anything. I leaned into Annie, thanking her with my body language since I couldn’t find the words, but I did know that I was still going to have to go with Kevin. Unfortunately, I needed to keep him happy.
It won’t be for much longer, I tried my hardest to reassure myself. Then I’ll be with someone else.
Although that didn’t fill me with much confidence since I hadn’t had any luck with either of the guys I’d worked with so far. Maybe it would be a case of third time lucky and I’d finally get it right.
“Kevin, let’s go and do some more filming,” I said wearily. “And this time, listen to me. There are reasons why you aren’t getting as many hits and I can give you some advice.”
“The reason is your shitty work. Your terrible camera angles, the boring stuff you film, and the way that you edit things. Maybe I need to sit with you through that process to ensure that what I want gets in.” I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him while I tried to keep it together. The idea of more time with him was absolutely killer. “I need to make sure you put me in the right light.”
“Sure,” I replied through gritted teeth. “If you’d rather do that than listen to me, then fine.”
“Are you okay?” Annie asked me quietly, actually looking concerned. I had a feeling that she would end up another person to add to my friend list. “Do you need me to do anything?”
“I know how to handle Kevin,” I reassured her. “He’ll be fine once I’ve calmed him down.”
“He’s not, like, your boyfriend..” She screwed up her nose at the idea. “…is he?”
I let out a throaty chuckle. Once upon a time I really wanted him to be, but not now. His mood swings and bad ego made me miss the easy comradery that I shared with Angelo. Yes, it was fake, but it had been fun at the time. I always enjoyed my time with him. If only Kevin was more like that.
We left the drama studio at last and walked to the canteen. There I sat for half an hour sipping coffee while Kevin explained to me in no uncertain terms that I was terrible at my job. I took it all on the chin, ignoring every single insult because I knew that it wasn’t really about me. He could call me a shit actress, he could tell me that I didn’t know how to record, he could say whatever he wanted and I didn’t care. He was jealous of Angelo and upset because no one wanted to see him being petty, he wasn’t giving people a behind the scenes look at his life, he continued to be fake and that showed.
Well, that was up to him. I’d warned him more than once about it.
Eventually, just like I knew he would, he ran out of steam. He threw everything that he could my way and when it didn’t get a reaction, there was only so far that he could go with it. As he fell into silence, I lifted up my head, jutted out my chin, and gave him a defiant look.
“What do you want to do now then?” I asked him firmly. “You’ve given me a lot of problems, now it’s time to come up with some solutions. How do you want to make this better?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and let his angry eyes flash at me. “That’s supposed to be your job, isn’t it? That’s why Dimitri hired you, to make this bullshit work.”
I gave him a one shouldered shrug and dug the knife in. I knew that I was playing with fire, but I had to say something to ignite him in the right way… I hoped. “Angelo always came up with his own ideas,” I said innocently. “I think that’s why he got so many views. And he still gets them now…”
“Oh fucking hell, well let’s go and do some footage of me exercising then. You can do like an eighties movie montage with me saying stuff over the top. Motivational stuff, what do you think?”
Urgh, that idea was so cringey it made me want to weep, but I was done helping Kevin. If that was his plan then so be it. “Fine, but maybe do an interview over the top instead.”
“Whatever,” he replied sulkily. When he did that he looked like a child, which wasn’t an attractive feature at all. “Let’s go and do it now. I need to have a run to get rid of my rage.”
“I’ll meet you out on the track then, I need to go and get my camera.”
As I left Kevin, I almost burst into laughter at his ridiculousness. How had I not seen that awful side to him earlier? It disgusted me how much I fantasied over that idiot man child. Well, never again. I was done with football boys. College guys too. I figured it was best to leave any sort of romance until I was done here and out into the real world. Yes, I still had another year left after this one, but in the grand scheme of things that wasn’t too long. A year out of my whole life was nothing.
“Hey, Tia,” I exploded happily as I burst into the room. “Guess what I’m about to do? Film an eighties exercise montage with Kevin. Can you believe it? He actually thinks this will help him.”
“Wow, what a goon. I think Rhiannon is wrong about you and him. I don’t think you’re going to end up with him at all,” Tia cried out. “Surely you have better taste than that! I mean, he’s cute but now we all know what he’s like and it isn’t a good look on anyone.”
“Definitely not,” I reassured my roommate. “There is nothing between me Kevin now. There’s no chance of me ever going near him again. I can’t wait to be away from him now. It’s mad to think that I was ever excited to be working with him.” I chuckled at myself. “How little I knew.”
That applied to many things, but I was doing what I could to not keep looking backwards. Every so often I would find myself thinking about Angelo and how things had gone down between us, and I didn’t like it at all. I couldn’t remember being used, it would send me down the same hole that Tyler did. I had to forget about it now and continue moving forwards. Soon I would be done with all of this and I would barely be able to even remember it.
19
Angelo
“H
ey, Marissa!” I called drunkenly over the bar. “Let’s hang out tonight. What are you doing when you finish here? I want to… to…” How did I tell her that I wanted to screw her brains out to help me forget about Faye, without making me sound like a dick head? “I want to spend some time with you.”
“Oh right,” she replied sweetly. Too sweetly, even though I was intoxicated, I knew that I was headed into a trap. “So, now you want to spend time with me? You want to be my boyfriend now?”
“No, I’m not trying to say that…” I needed to back track before I landed myself in hot water. The last thing I needed was more women trouble. It was hard enough being so separate from the one girl that I’d ever like without adding more drama into the mix. I just wanted to lose myself.
“Oh I see, so you just want a cheap fuck, I see.” She slammed a glass down onto the bar. “Well that’s not for me I’m afraid, I’m done with screwing
around with assholes like you. I want more.”
I thought that she was different, I assumed she got what our deal was, but clearly I’d been wrong. It seemed I didn’t know a single damn thing about the opposite sex, which was disappointing. It made me question absolutely everything that I’d done before I met Faye. Had I hurt people along the way? Did I deserve the pain I currently felt? Maybe this was karma coming back for me.
“I’m sorry, Marissa, I never meant to hurt you.” I rubbed my forehead hard, trying to get rid of the drunken feeling before it got the better of me. Why did I decide to drink so much? What a stupid plan. It didn’t even help me to forget about Faye, she was more prominent in my mind than before.
“Hurt me?” She cocked an eyebrow at me. “I don’t care about you that much. I just don’t want to talk to you anymore. I haven’t got any interest in you at all. I think you suck as a human.”
“Yeah,” I muttered to myself, agreeing with her as she walked off. “I think that too.”
I huffed loudly and span on my bar stool to scan my eyes around to see who was in the place. There had to be someone to help me feel better. When I used to go out on the pull, before Faye, I didn’t have any issues but now I struggled to get anyone to glance my way. I had lost my power, the mojo that put me in control of the situation. Faye had broken me, and it seemed that no one wanted damaged goods. People actually averted their eyes to avoid looking at me, almost as if they could smell the heart break.
Stupid feelings, I thought angrily. I will never catch them again, this feels dreadful.
I couldn’t understand any love song or poem that had ever been created. Why would anyone want to feel like this? It wasn’t a nice sensation, it was dizzying yes, and it got my heart pumping faster, it also gave me tummy butterflies and shortness of breath, but it was in the most horrible way.
“Cathy!” All of a sudden the girl that I couldn’t wait to get rid of not so long ago appeared in my peripheral vision like magic. I knew she wanted me, she always made it obvious. Thank God, I needed to be wanted, I could stand this agonizing rejected feeling. “How are you doing, girl?”
I slung my arm over her shoulder and gave her the biggest smile I could muster. Pain remained aching in my heart, but as long as I covered that up, I knew I would be okay.
“What are you doing, Angelo?” she replied coldly while snaking out of my arms. “Why are you acting like you want to talk to me all of a sudden? Is it because I have a boyfriend now and you’re jealous? Well, you had your chance with me and you blew it. It’s too late to come back now.”
“You… you have a boyfriend?” I couldn’t believe it. Even my last resort girl didn’t want to know my anymore. She’d upgraded, found herself someone decent who actually wanted to commit to her, leaving me alone on the shelf like a sad pathetic sack of potatoes slowly growing mold.
“Yes, Daz is my boyfriend. You’re on the same team so don’t tell me you didn’t know that.” She rolled her eyes at me. “And you’re the one who told me about his love for me. The fact that we’re together is all thanks to you. I know you know and you’re just trying it on. That’s just typical Angelo, that is. You always want what you can’t have, but there’s no point in sniffing around me. I will never go anywhere near you again. Been there, got the tee shirt thank you very much.”
And there it was, evidence of what she thought of me. What everyone thought of me. No wonder Faye didn’t want to know, she assumed I didn’t care at all. I wanted her to understand me better, but it was too late now. I fucked up and lost her for good. Now, I had no one. This was a fucking nightmare.
“You know, it’s pretty sad that you keep following me around,” Cathy chuckled at me. “You really do need to get a life, Angelo. Maybe it’s time for you to get yourself a girlfriend.”
I tried that, I wasn’t going to say that aloud, but it popped into my brain regardless. It didn’t work.
For a moment, I allowed my slightly drunken brain to imagine what it would be like if things had gone well with me and Faye. If I’d gotten what I wanted and we were together now. Instead of being out, drunk, and hitting on women that I didn’t really want and that sure as hell didn’t want me, I could be in bed with Faye, cuddling her, holding her close, slowly and happily falling in love. That sounded a million times better than being here. The student bar that used to be such an amazing place which was filled with fun was now dark, dingy and awful. It was sad and unbearable.
“I think I need to just go,” I slurred at Cathy, needing an escape. The place that was supposed to be my sanctuary had now become hell. “Away from here. Away from college. From all of it.”
“Oh right, so you’re just going to go back home?” Cathy scoffed. “Are you sure you aren’t just wasted? You’re getting depressed drunk, which is boring. You should go back to your room.”
I pushed past her feeling disgusted. I did want to go home actually, it didn’t feel like the sort of thing I was just assuming because I was drunk but I couldn’t. It was such a long way, it’d cost far too much, and I wouldn’t get any understanding there anyway. Dad was a hard man and Mom was always busy. I’d actually be better off going to visit Maddie at her college than anyone else… but even that I couldn’t do until the morning. She wouldn’t want me turning up now. I’d already put her through enough drama recently. Sometimes I accidently, selfishly forgot that she had her own life.
“The legend is in the house!” Kevin cried out as he made an appearance. I didn’t want to stick around to see if Faye was with him. I’d been torturing myself enough without making it worse. “Is someone going to buy me a drink or what? Cathy… you will, won’t you?”
That feeling of being trapped consumed me once again and I sped up. I felt a hand on my shoulder, probably Kevin trying to keep me in the bar so he could show off to me, but the grip wasn’t tight enough and I managed to get away. I slipped outside to freedom and sucked in the cool night air.
“Hey, are you okay?” I turned to see a sweet looking girl looking up at me. It was someone that I didn’t recognize, which somehow managed to loosen up the tension in my shoulders. Maybe that was where I’d been going wrong, trying to hook up with people I knew. As this girl gave me a sweet smile a new blast of hope overcame me, and I decided to take this night a new way. “You look distressed?”
Maybe this girl would end up being the love of my life, maybe the meet cute I had with Faye was just building me up for the real thing. I so desperately wanted to cling on to the hope that my heart wasn’t going to shatter that I would have allowed myself to believe absolutely.
“I’m okay,” I replied in the chirpiest tone of voice that I could manage. “Just cold. I’m on my way back to my room if you fancy coming with me?” Too forward, that was way too forward.
“Yeah okay.” She shocked me by smiling and agreeing. “That sounds good, Angelo.” Had I told her my name? Probably not, but everyone knew who I was anyway. “Oh, and I’m Sierra, by the way.”
I held out my arm and let Sierra link hers through it. She was a chatty girl, she talked all the way back to my room which was a good thing because it allowed me to remain silent. I didn’t have the energy to talk. I wasn’t sure I had the energy to do anything to be honest, but we would see.
Once inside my room, we were greeted by Simon who was still working on his college work. Surprisingly I was glad to see him there. The closer I got to hooking up with someone else the more I realized I didn’t actually want to do it. It was all well and good trying to get over Faye, but I wasn’t there and I didn’t think using Sierra was the best plan. I’d learned something of a lesson.
So, instead of doing anything, I stuck on some random action movie and the three of us watched it together. If Sierra was disappointed that nothing happened, she didn’t show it. She seemed like a cool girl actually who maybe I could be friends with at some point. God, I really had changed.
By the time the movie ended, Sierra gave me an expectant look as if she wanted to know what she sho
uld do next. There was a part of me that wanted her to stay because I wanted to hold someone in the bed next to me, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to be that selfish person anymore, I had to think of other people because they had feelings too. Growth – that had to be growth, right?
“Let me walk you back to your room,” I said to her with a grin. “What building are you in?”
She pointed me in the right direction, so we headed out that way. People spilled out of the student bar, it had to be just about closing time, so I kept my head fixed downwards. I didn’t want anyone to see me, talk to me, anything. I just wanted to keep a low profile.
“Thank you for a good night,” Sierra said as we stopped outside her room. “We should hang out again sometime… as friends, if that’s okay with you?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Here, put your number in my phone and we’ll catch up again soon.”
It certainly wasn’t the direction I expected this night to go, but it was good enough. I’d proven to myself that I’d learned a lesson and I’d also made a friend. The way I felt at the moment, I needed all the friends I could get.
20
Faye
“H
ey there, beautiful.” I jumped out of my seat in the canteen as someone slung their arm unexpectantly over my shoulder. “It’s good to see you today. Especially when you’re looking so good.”
What the…? I twisted my neck to see Kevin looking down at me. I guessed that it was him from the voice, but the words were too kind to be coming from him. I was more used to him snapping.
“Erm, hi, Kevin?” I replied curiously. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”
“Can’t I just come to see my favorite girl in the world without their being something wrong?”