Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘That’s terrible. It really is. We’ll have to get our own back on him. Somehow or other. He can’t get away with it, can he?’

  ‘I think he has got away with it. If I say anything to anyone at work, he says he’ll make sure I’m a laughing stock. I bet he would too. No, I have to deal with it on my own. I’ll go away somewhere so you don’t have to face it.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. We’ll sort summat out, love. Don’t worry about it. I bet he’s done this before you know. The secretary before you. She left in something of a hurry didn’t she?’

  ‘I suppose she did. But I don’t know her name now. She got married after she left the factory. I don’t know whatever Paul will say. I don’t think I dare even tell him. Especially not at the moment. He felt very depressed after his last leave. This secretary of Mr Steele’s. You don’t think she was pregnant too, do you?’

  ‘It wouldn’t surprise me. What a bastard the man is to be sure.’

  ‘What do you think Dad’ll say? And Jimmy?’

  ‘I think he’ll understand you couldn’t help it. Mind you, Jimmy might be a bit less understanding. He did warn you before you went out with him, didn’t he?’

  ‘I know he did. I should have listened but, well, I didn’t. I let my own ambition rule my head. Stupid girl, aren’t I?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. What did he say to you?’

  ‘I’ve told you before. He stopped in a little wood on the way back and went for a pee and then got back in the car and did it. I did try to fight back but he was so powerful, I could do nothing.’

  ‘Perhaps we should have gone to the police.’

  ‘But they’d never have believed me, especially in the light of what Mr Steele said to me afterwards. He’d simply have denied everything.’

  ‘He can’t get away with it. We’ll have to think of something. Meanwhile, you’d best get yourself off to the doctor’s. I’ve got some money put by for emergencies.’

  ‘Oh goodness. I hadn’t thought about that side of things. It’s all going to be expensive isn’t it?’

  ‘Don’t worry about that. You go to see the doctor tomorrow. We’ll tell your dad this evening. And Jimmy too. Once they know, that’ll be the worst of it over with.’

  Ruth sat in her chair feeling dreadful. Her mum had been wonderful but she doubted the males would be when they came home from work. How on earth had she got into this predicament? What was she going to do about it?

  ‘Thanks Mum. Thanks for not hating me too much.’

  ‘Dunna be daft. It’s that man I’m busy hating at the moment.’

  ‘I’d better think about getting some sort of work. I’m still a good secretary. Somebody must want me.’

  They told her father and Jimmy over their evening meal. Her brother went white and then announced he’d kill the bastard.

  ‘Where does he live?’

  ‘Don’t be soft. I don’t know where he lives. But killing him isn’t helping anyone. Like I said to Mum, I’m on me own for this one. As long as I can get something to work at for the next few months, we’ll be all right. I don’t want anyone to know what happened. Is that clear? Jimmy, I really mean it.’

  ‘If that’s what you really want. I can’t believe it, really I can’t.’

  Mabel was silent throughout the meal, leaving it to the brother and sister to talk it through. She was thoughtful as she was listening and was quietly coming up with a plan of her own. She said nothing about it yet but she really thought it would work. Every now and then, she shook her head as she listened to the two of them talking. How on earth was she going to face her old friends? Apart from her weekly visit to the chapel she didn’t go out much these days but, when she did see them, well, they wouldn’t half give her some stick. If Ruth wasn’t willing to tell people what had happened to her, she’d have to sort something else out. She added up the weeks. By her reckoning, her daughter must be well into her second month. If she took action swiftly, it wouldn’t look too bad.

  Chapter Four

  The next morning, Mabel was up early and dressed ready to go out. She made some toast and took it up to Ruth. The girl sat up in surprise.

  ‘What are you doing, Mum?’

  ‘Thought I’d give you a treat. When you’ve eaten that, you can get up and get yourself to the doctor’s.’

  ‘Oh, I was thinking, I really don’t like to bother him.’

  ‘You’ll do as you’re told my girl. I won’t have you getting poorly and left without help. Go and get everythin’ they’ll offer you. Pills and juice and what ’ave you.’

  ‘It’ll make it seem all that much more real.’

  ‘About time you realised it is all real. Right. I’m goin’ out. Not sure when I’ll be back.’

  ‘Where are you going? Are you sure you’re all right?’

  ‘I’ll tell you when I come back. Don’t lie in bed all day. And wash yourself properly. The doctor will need to examine you.’

  Ruth lay back. This was a new side to her mother. She had some fire in her. She almost thought of following her to see where she was going but she knew that would be silly. She ate the toast, wondering why her mother had actually got up and made it. When she’d finished it, she lay back and stretched luxuriously. She knew the day couldn’t go on this way but she was enjoying not getting up and going to work. She wriggled her toes and then sat up. If she was expected to visit the doctor’s, she’d better get herself up and dressed. If she wasn’t there in reasonable time, she’d have to wait for ages. What did her mother mean about the doctor examining her? All the same, she gave herself a good wash and then dressed carefully. Her limited wardrobe was getting even smaller now she was getting fatter. What she would do in the next few weeks, she really didn’t know. It was one more pain associated with this wretched baby.

  Once more she cursed Mr Graham Steele.

  *

  The doctor’s waiting room was quite full by the time Ruth arrived. She gave her name to the receptionist and sat down. She wished she’d brought a book or a magazine to read but as it was she watched the other patients, speculating on what was wrong with them all. One extremely large woman with two small children attracted her attention. The children looked somewhat scruffy and their mother was obviously fairly near her time. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to have two already and now be expecting her third. At least she’d know what to expect during the birth. When the woman was called in, she rose and asked Ruth to keep an eye on her two little ones.

  ‘Can’t tek ’em in wi’ me. They’d be up to all sorts.’ She went off leaving them behind.

  ‘You come and stay with me,’ she said weakly. ‘She won’t be long.’ The two children continued to suck their thumbs and said nothing. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked them. They stared at her and still sucked their thumbs. She gave up at that point and simply sat and watched them. Suddenly they both removed their thumbs and started to run round the waiting room, tripping over people’s feet and whooping with delight. The receptionist started and demanded somebody control them. Ruth raised her voice at them to be quiet and come and sit down but they took no notice at all. She wondered how much longer their mother would be. The consulting room door opened and their mother appeared.

  ‘What you two doin’? I said you were to behave, remember?’ The two little ones stuck their thumbs back in their mouths and stood quietly behind her. Ruth marvelled. How on earth did someone like that have such control? She heard her name called and went into the doctor’s surgery.

  ‘I think I’m pregnant, Doctor. It’s about two months.’

  ‘I see. Well, you’d better go and lie on the couch and let me look at you. Lift your skirt so I can see your tummy.’ She did as she was told, feeling desperately embarrassed. He came over to her and pushed and prodded. ‘Looks like you’re right. When was your last period?’

  She thought carefully and told him.

  ‘I do actually know when it was conceived.’ She gave
him the date.

  ‘You seem very certain.’

  ‘Oh, I am.’

  ‘I take it there’s a reason for that.’

  ‘Well, yes.’

  ‘And you don’t normally have relations with your husband?’

  ‘He isn’t my husband.’

  ‘Well, I don’t want to know how you conduct your life. I’ll give you a certificate for free milk and if you go to the welfare clinic, you can get orange juice and some vitamin pills.’ He also calculated her due date.

  ‘Thank you, Doctor.’ She brushed herself down and left the room. That was the first hurdle over. She realised she’d forgotten to ask when the welfare clinic was on. She thought she knew where it was but not when. She asked the receptionist who said it was on Wednesday afternoons.

  When Ruth arrived home, her mother was still out, away on her mysterious errand. She put the kettle on, thinking how tea was considered the cure-all for everything. She felt a strange sort of fluttering deep in her stomach. When her mother came back, she asked how she’d got on.

  ‘I saw the doctor and he’s given me a due date. He thinks all is well.’

  ‘Right. Well, I’ve got some news for you. Remember Charlie?’

  ‘Charlie as in Dad’s friend?’

  ‘Well, yes. He’s pally with your dad. Much younger than him of course. Well, he’s willin’ to marry you. It’ll give you a decent name and he’ll be a nice companion for you.’

  ‘Marry me? Charlie?’ was all she could manage to say.

  ‘I’ve seen the registrar and it’s all arranged. Three weeks on Saturday.’

  ‘But I hardly know the man.’

  ‘Well, he remembers you. Very well indeed. He’s comin’ round for ’is tea tonight. You can talk it through then. He’s a good bloke, Ruth. Not many as ud tek you on.’

  ‘Not many as ud want me.’ She was horrified by the whole idea. ‘Does he know… about my condition?’

  ‘Aye. I told him what had happened to you. He was very sympathetic. Says he’s always wanted a babby. He’s got his own place and earns a decent wage. You’ll be set up real well. I don’t want to hear any more arguments. It’s gonna happen. We’ll go shoppin’ for summat for you to wear. I might even treat meself.’

  ‘But what about me? My thoughts? I don’t want to marry him. I don’t even know him.’

  ‘For goodness sake. Take this chance while you can. It’ll save you from embarrassment. People won’t point at you and talk about you.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I love Paul. I can’t marry that old man, even if I am having a baby. I’ll go away somewhere so you don’t have to be embarrassed by me. I’m sure there are places for unmarried mothers to go.’

  ‘Well, Charlie’s coming for tea tonight so see him and listen to what he says. You might find you like him and can go ahead with my plans.’

  ‘I can’t, Mum. I know you mean it for the best but I can’t marry him. I love Paul and if he won’t have me because of this baby, then I’ll stay like I am. A spinster.’ She ran upstairs and went into her room. How on earth could her mother try to marry her off like this? She felt sure it was all so Mabel could keep her face at the chapel. She was only eighteen. She couldn’t possibly marry someone of nearly sixty. She didn’t think her father would like it anyway, his daughter married to one of his cronies. She found herself weeping again and lay on her bed trying to come to terms with everything. She knew she needed to tell Paul about it, this wretched baby. But she kept putting it off. It seemed so pathetic to say she’d been raped and hadn’t done anything about it. She half wondered about contacting the former secretary to find out if she’d undergone the same treatment but had no idea how to go about finding her.

  ‘Ruth,’ her mother called. ‘Charlie’s here. Come on down.’ She didn’t even bother to comb her hair and knew she looked a mess but she didn’t care. ‘Ruth, this is Charlie. Charlie, Ruth.’ She didn’t know whether to hold out her hand or not and decided just to say hello.

  ‘I hear you’re in a spot of bother,’ he said.

  ‘Well, yes. But I’ll deal with it.’

  ‘Aye, yes, well, your mum told me about it this morning. I’m willing to help. We can get wed and I’ll call it mine when it’s born. Can’t say fairer than that.’

  ‘It’s very kind of you but I simply couldn’t. Marry you, I mean.’

  ‘Now then, Ruth, don’t be so hasty. Think on. It’s the answer we’ve been looking for. Charlie’s got his own house, well, rented it may be, but he’s been there a long time. Not likely to lose it are you Charlie?’

  ‘Course not. I pay my rent on time every week. And I’ve got a good job. You wouldn’t have to work or nothin’.’

  ‘Well, like I say, it’s very kind of you but I’m afraid the answer’s still no, thank you. Now, if there’s nothing else, I’m going back to my room.’ She turned and went back upstairs. She heard her mother apologising to him and saying she’d soon persuade the girl.

  ‘I’ll make you a cuppa. Dan should be home any minute so I’ll go and talk to her when he gets here. He doesn’t know about any of this by the way.’

  ‘Oh. Right. Do I tell him or not?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. Really I don’t. I thought she’d see it as a good way out. Talk it through with Dan. Perhaps he’ll make her see sense.’

  ‘Right you are.’

  ‘I have actually booked the registry office. Three weeks on Saturday.’

  ‘Oh, right. So what do we do about that?’

  ‘I think she’ll come round. We’ll leave it booked for now.’

  Up in her room, Ruth was in a total turmoil. She simply couldn’t even consider marrying Charlie. He was so old to her way of thinking. She thought of Paul and promptly burst into tears. If only he was here, in this country, he’d be able to advise her what to do. She kept whispering his name and wishing like mad she could talk to him. She wiped her tears away and picked up her writing pad. She wrote down all she was feeling as if it was a letter to Paul, but she knew she wouldn’t send it to him. He was already feeling down and she didn’t want to make him feel worse. She heard her mother calling her and rose. She knew it was going to be a difficult meal but she felt determined she was not going to give in.

  They all turned to look at her as she came down. Her father was looking rather shocked and she realised he’d been told her news.

  ‘So what’s all this?’ he demanded. ‘You’ve got yourself pregnant? Your mum says Charlie’s offered to marry you. Make it decent. Good of you to take her on Charlie.’

  ‘Always fancied having a babby round the place. Your Ruth’s a good girl. I’m sure we shall get on fine when we get to know each other.’

  ‘I know it’s kind of him but I’m not going to marry him. I’m sorry.’ She turned and fled back upstairs.

  ‘Come back down here, my girl. Bloody ungrateful she is.’

  ‘You can’t really blame her you know,’ said Charlie. ‘She was well, raped by her boss.’

  ‘Then he should take responsibility for it.’ Dan was puzzled by this statement and didn’t quite know what to say. ‘But, then, I s’pose he doesn’t know anything about it, does he?’

  ‘Oh yes. Our Ruth told him and he just gave her the sack. Didn’t want to know about it. I think he threatened her too. Most unfortunate. He really shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. He’s a total bastard and it isn’t the first time he’s done this. The previous secretary left in a hurry and we can all guess why.’ Mabel was incensed and letting her imagination run away with itself. ‘Any road, Charlie is coming to our rescue. I’ve booked the registry office and I think we shall persuade Ruth to agree to it. Can’t have her giving birth here. What on earth would people think?’

  ‘That’s terrible. What a bastard. But if Ruth doesn’t want to follow your path, how will you persuade her? Anyway, what does it matter what people think?’ Dan asked.

  ‘You don’t have to go to the shops round
here or talk to the neighbours. They won’t listen if we tell them the truth. They’d say it was much too convenient a tale.’

  ‘Has she told Paul? I thought they were going to make it as a couple. Sorry, Charlie, only we have to talk it through.’

  ‘It’s all right. I can understand that,’ Dan’s friend told him.

  Mabel continued. ‘He’s away overseas. She doesn’t want to depress him further. I somehow doubt he’ll ever come home again but don’t tell her I said that. She seems convinced he’ll be back soon.’

  Dan gave a grunt. ‘I think you may be right. From what I’ve heard on the news, we’re not doing too well at the moment. Bloody war. I’m starting at that ROF place next week. God knows what I’ll be doing there. Making bombs to drop on the Germans I s’pose. I don’t like the thought of it at all. But I have to earn money and it seems they need men and women to do the job.’

  ‘Someone has to do it. I seem set to go on in my place. It certainly is good to have a regular job that just carries on during the war.’ Charlie was a general support and repair worker in one of the factories. He repaired anything that went wrong and had acquired skills in many areas. He felt secure that he’d never get the sack as they needed him badly.

  ‘I’d better go and finish getting the tea. Excuse me will you?’

  ‘Course love,’ said Dan. ‘Do you want a beer, Charlie? I’ve got a couple of bottles put away.’

  ‘Aye, that would be great.’ The two of them sat drinking and chatting. They were old friends and had lots to talk about. Mabel half listened to them and wondered if she was doing the right thing in setting Ruth to marry Charlie. She shivered. She couldn’t bear the world knowing her daughter was having a baby, however she’d come by it. Jimmy came into the kitchen from the back yard.

  ‘Hello son. You all right?’ his mother asked.

  ‘Yes ta. What’s for tea?’

  ‘Charlie’s having a bite with us. I’ve made a pie. Won’t be long.’