Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘I suppose it’ll take some time before supplies can get through. I think I’ll go up to my room now. Sort out a few things. I suppose our Jimmy will be back soon, too?’

  ‘Haven’t heard from him in ages. As you know, he was playing in the army’s band in the past few months. I think he was happy enough. Well, he would be if he was playing his beloved trumpet. At least he wasn’t out fighting them lot. Any road, go and do whatever it was you wanted. Tea will be ready in about half an hour.’

  Ruth went up to her room and sat down on her bed. Her mind was racing. After waiting for so long, she was going to see Paul again tomorrow. She wondered what he’d be like. Would he even remember her? Would he be injured in some way? Mentally, he probably would, but she would help him. She would be patient with him and do her best to show him that nothing mattered except he was now home.

  ‘I love you, Paul. More than anything in the world. I really hope you still care for me,’ she whispered.

  The next twenty-four hours seemed even longer than the previous Friday. Ruth knew there was no point in trying to leave earlier as the train went at the set time. At last it was finishing time for work and she almost ran out of the factory to get on the train. It was going to take her to Longton again and she planned to get a bus to the Jenkins’s house. An hour and a half and she might see Paul again. She could barely contain herself. She reached Longton and ran through to the bus station and leapt onto the bus. Her heart was pounding. What if he was so broken she couldn’t recognise him? What if he didn’t want to see her? She got off the bus and almost felt she couldn’t manage to get to the house. She forced her feet one in front of the other and at last arrived at their door. She knocked a little timidly and at last Mrs Jenkins opened the door.

  ‘Hello dear. Come in. He’s here but don’t expect too much will you?’

  ‘Of course not. I’m longing to see him.’

  ‘He’s in the back room.’ She walked unsteadily through the front room and into the back room. She swallowed hard, scarcely recognising the man she saw sitting in front of the fire. It was a warm summer’s day but he sat huddled over the fire as if it was winter.

  ‘Paul? Hello. I’ve been longing to see you again.’

  ‘Hello, Ruth. How are you?’

  ‘I’m fine thanks. How about you?’

  ‘I’m getting there. Feeling a bit rough actually.’

  ‘I’ve brought some scones and a little pot of Mum’s jam to have with them.’ She handed the little collection over to Paul’s mother who took them gratefully.

  ‘That’s very kind of you and your mum. Would you like one now, Paul?’ He blinked and looked as if he was wondering what she was offering. ‘A scone and some jam?’

  ‘Thank you. Very nice.’

  Ruth stared at this man she was supposed to love. He seemed to have shrunk into a much smaller version of what he’d once been. He looked so thin she wondered if he’d eaten anything at all since she’d last seen him.

  ‘I know I must seem very different. I was in a prison camp for many months. We didn’t really get much food at all. Then I escaped and I’ve been living rough for several more months. I did meet a few kind people who shared some of their food with me. But now I’m home again, I can hardly believe there’s so much food around.’

  Ruth smiled. So much food around? She wondered where he’d seen it as they were still very short of most things. But then, thinking about it, he was used to having nothing except something he could forage for. His mother came back with two scones and jam on a plate.

  ‘I brought one for each of you. You must be hungry, Ruth, after a day at work.’

  ‘Well, thank you. I am a bit. But I did bring them for you.’

  ‘Go on. I’ll eat one later. Come on Paul, eat up. Ruth made them herself.’

  ‘Very kind of you, Ruth.’ He lifted the scone and took a tiny bite, then looked round as if he was checking to see if anyone else had wanted it. ‘It’s good. Thank you.’ He nibbled some more and then seemed to tire. ‘I can’t really believe I’m home again,’ he said wearily. ‘And seeing you again, well it does feel a bit weird. Can you forgive me?’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For not being the man you were hoping for?’

  ‘You don’t know that. You’ll always be the man I love. The man I want to be with.’ Then she realised what she was saying. It was very forward of her to say such things. ‘Please don’t worry.’ She didn’t know what else she could say.

  ‘Oh, Ruth. I’m so sorry, but I can’t be the man you wanted. I hardly sleep any more. I wake up screaming and… well, I’m just a ruined mess.’

  ‘You’ll get over it, love. One of these days. It’s early days yet. Be patient, both of you.’

  ‘Tell me about yourself. What have you been doing?’ he said wearily to her.

  ‘I work at the ROF factory. As a secretary. I’ve done all right for myself, actually. I’m a supervisor now.’

  ‘What happened at your old job? In the china factory wasn’t it?’ Ruth quailed. Could she tell him her whole story? Or would it put him off her forever?

  ‘They, well they closed down during the war. I had to leave. But tell me what you’ve been doing. As much as you can talk about it, anyway.’

  ‘I’d rather not remember. I was wandering around France for a while and then I heard the war was over and managed to get back to some people who were being brought home. I was kept in a hospital for about a month and then they let me out and sent me back here. I’m getting better. I only wake four or five times during the night now.’

  ‘That’s good. A few more weeks of your mother’s care and you’ll soon be fine again.’ She stopped. Hoping it was as simple as that. ‘Now I know you’re all right, I can cope with that. We can see each other every now and then and once you’re better, we can take up where we left off.’ Paul glanced at his mother but she looked away. Clearly, she was embarrassed about something. Ruth looked at both of them in turn. ‘What? What’s going on? What are you not telling me?’

  ‘I’m going to put the supper on now. You’ll stay and eat with us won’t you Ruth?’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure. Thank you.’

  ‘Don’t expect anything special. It’s only sausages and they’re probably filled with sawdust to pad them out.’ Ruth laughed and said she was well used to eating sawdust.

  ‘Come on then. Tell me what’s the matter.’

  ‘You’ll probably hate me for it.’

  ‘How on earth could I ever hate you, Paul? I love you, you know that.’

  He looked away and seemed to retreat inside himself. He was silent for a few minutes and then looked up again. She smiled encouragingly and nodded for him to continue.

  ‘I lived with a family in France for a few weeks. They treated me as one of them and when the Germans came, they told them I was married to their daughter. They seemed to accept it and I learned to mumble a few words in French.’ He paused and looked ashamed of himself.

  ‘What is it? Come on, please tell me.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but it seemed the only sensible thing to do. We pretended we were actually married. I slept with her.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I do realise that it might have spoilt things for us.’

  ‘What happened to her?’ He looked rather upset at this point and looked away.

  ‘She was killed. Those men came and dragged her out and, well, they raped her. It was terrible at the time. Her parents were inconsolable.’ Paul was in floods of tears as he told his story. It upset Ruth terribly to see him like this but she realised it did make it easier for her to tell him her story.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I have a story to tell, too.’ She told him about Mr Steele and the subsequent pregnancy and how her mother had insisted she should marry Charlie.

  ‘You mean… you’re married?’ asked Paul, almost disbelievingly.

  ‘Not any more.’ She recounted the night the bomb had dropped
on their house and killed Charlie.

  ‘Your poor thing. It must have been terrible for you.’

  ‘It wasn’t a good time. The worst of it was that I didn’t feel any sense of loss.’

  ‘But what happened to the baby?’

  ‘I lost it quite early on in the marriage.’

  ‘So it was all a waste of time?’

  ‘I suppose so. But I shall never go to work for that man again. He fired me and said I’d been sleeping around. He wouldn’t accept any blame or anything.’

  ‘So we’ve both got a story to tell. It does make me feel a bit better.’

  ‘Well, me too, I suppose. I was wondering how to tell you but you made it easy for me. So, now we’re all square and we can take it from there.’

  ‘Ruth,’ he said suddenly, ‘will you kiss me?’

  ‘Of course.’ She rose and went over to him. Very gently, she put her arms round him and kissed him tenderly, very gently.

  ‘Thank you. Now I know everything will be all right. Give me a little time to get fit again and we shall soon be back where we were.’

  ‘Oh, Paul. That will be wonderful.’

  ‘Everything okay?’ asked Mrs Jenkins, coming in from the kitchen.

  ‘It’s fine, Mum. Everything is going to be fine, eventually.’

  ‘Have you talked?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Good. I’ll bring supper in then.’

  Ruth sat down again and smiled at the man she loved. She watched him eating his supper and saw how very little he actually ate. It was going to be a while before he was ready to go out to work again, always assuming there was some sort of work he’d be able to do. They found plenty to talk about and, all too soon, it was just after nine o’clock.

  ‘I’d better think about leaving now. My last bus goes before ten.’

  ‘I’d walk you to the bus stop but I don’t think I could manage it.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t hear of it. I’ll come again at the weekend, if that’s all right?’

  ‘Course it is, love. Can’t promise what you’ll get to eat. Paul does get a small allowance of extra coupons, to get him better, but there isn’t much available in the shops. You’d think with winning the war things would be better.’

  ‘It’ll take some time. But please don’t worry about feeding me. I get plenty at home and at the factory. I’ll see you on Saturday afternoon, if that’s okay?’

  ‘I’ll look forward to it.’ She leaned over and kissed him again. It took some getting used to, his thin frame and lack of movement. But it was definitely Paul and he was returned to them.

  ‘Bye then, and thank you for the sausages.’

  She left the house and walked to the bus stop. Her mind was a mixture of emotions churning around. She hated the idea of him being sort of married but he must equally hate the idea of her being married, and her marriage was much more real than his. She felt so relieved that it was all over and done with. Sorry Charlie, she whispered, feeling slightly guilty for the kindly man. Poor Paul, he was so broken. She wondered what she could do to help him.

  It was half past ten by the time she arrived home. Feeling very weary she opened the door and heard the noise of some celebration. When she went into the back room, she saw her brother sitting there.

  ‘Hey Sis!’ he said happily, embracing her. ‘I’m home for good. How about that?’

  ‘Goodness, you do look well. It’s lovely to see you again.’

  ‘We’ve had a good time. I did the right thing in joining the army music corps. We went around entertaining the troops and always got the best of treatment. It wasn’t all hunky dory though. We almost got bombed a couple of times. Still, we didn’t, and I’m now home. Ready for the next stage in my career.’

  ‘So how did you get on, love?’ asked Mabel.

  ‘Okay. Paul is an absolute wreck, poor love. He’s so thin, Mum. I suppose he will get better but he doesn’t look well at all.’

  ‘Oh dear, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘The trouble is, there isn’t much food around to feed him up.’ She paused, feeling more tears threatening. She tried to pull herself together. ‘Still, that’s nothing to do with you. It’s wonderful to have you home again, Jimmy,’ she said.

  ‘Here, have a drink. I managed to bring some beers back with me.’

  ‘I don’t really drink beer.’

  ‘Go on, just for once.’ He handed her a small glass and she drank it, frowning as the taste hit her mouth.

  ‘Ugh. I really don’t like it much,’ she told them, pulling her face.

  ‘P’raps Paul would like it. He needs something like beer or Guinness to put weight on him again. I’ll have to take him out one of these nights. So, how are we going to celebrate all our returns and the war ending? We should have a party. Invite all the family over.’

  ‘Not quite all. Our Veronica seems to have disappeared off the map. We haven’t heard anything from her in many months.’ Mabel looked a bit sad as she spoke. Ruth could only remember her sister’s unpleasant nature and certainly didn’t miss her.

  ‘Well, let’s hope she found what she was looking for,’ she replied.

  ‘So, what do you think Mum? Let’s organise something very soon. I bet you’ve got the odd tin of salmon tucked away for something special. Or a tin of ham.’

  ‘I’ve certainly got the odd tin put by. And maybe the odd tin of peaches. But how did you know that, our Jimmy?’

  ‘I just did. Everyone kept something back for a special occasion. I met some Americans and they said every time they were invited for tea at anyone’s house, out came the tinned salmon. They began to think we weren’t as badly off as we made out.’ He leaned back extravagantly. ‘I’m expecting a parcel from them some time soon.’

  ‘Honestly? Why us?’

  ‘I became good friends with some of them. They promised to send us some stuff when they got back.’

  ‘Goodness me. How wonderful of them. How can they actually have so much to spare that they can afford to send stuff over here?’ Mabel asked.

  ‘Don’t ask. I think it should get here before next weekend so we can have our party then. What do you think?’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ Ruth responded. ‘Perhaps Paul will be well enough to come. I hope so. But I think I need to get to bed now. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.’

  ‘Take the day off, Sis,’ Jimmy advised. ‘Say your brother’s just back from the war. They’re sure to be sympathetic.’

  ‘Oh, I couldn’t. Especially not when you haven’t been fighting out there. You’ve been on a cushy number really.’

  ‘I may have been but it wasn’t all a jolly fun time.’

  They chatted for some time longer until Ruth yawned so much she decided it was time she went to bed.

  ‘I’ll see you in the evening. I’m not going over to see Paul till Saturday so we’ll have plenty of time to catch up. I must go to bed now. Night, night everyone.’

  ‘Good night, love. It’s good to be home and to see you again,’ Jimmy told her.

  Ruth ran up the stairs and was soon in bed. She lay there thinking about the war and everything that had happened. All these men and boys killed, and why? It was horrendous and she felt slightly guilty about her men coming back. Poor Paul. What had he been through? Jimmy had come through it all with a smile on his face and had stayed his usual cheerful self. She hadn’t really had a bad war and was still working. She quite enjoyed having money in her purse and felt independent, especially compared to her mum. How would things change now? How were she and Paul going to make their lives together? She realised his mother would want him to stay living with her and she wondered if she could possibly live under the same roof. She really wasn’t sure she could. She heard the others come up to bed and still lay there thinking. She heard the clock strike two and tried again to settle.

  ‘Are you still planning on going to work today?’ was the next thing she heard when her
mum came into her room. ‘Only it’s nearly half past seven. If you want to get the bus, you’d best hurry up.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. I must have fallen off to sleep eventually.’ She leapt out of bed and ran along to the bathroom.

  As she travelled to work with her dad, conversation was centred on Jimmy’s safe return. Dan was a rather quiet man but he was now chatting away like mad. He told his workmates about his son’s return and some of them seemed pleased for him, while others nodded silently, having lost their own sons and brothers.

  ‘We’re lucky, Dad, to have Jimmy home and Paul. Lots of others have lost someone. It’s been a terrible time for everyone. Poor Annie’s husband has gone. Don’t let us forget that.’

  ‘No, you’re right, love. I’m just overjoyed to have the lad home again.’

  ‘Not such a lad now. He’s the same age as I am don’t forget. Twenty-four in a couple of weeks. Perhaps that’s when we should have a party.’

  ‘You’re right. A twenty-fourth birthday party. Do you want jelly and custard?’

  ‘Oh, Dad,’ she said punching his arm.

  Chapter Eleven

  The idea of a birthday party was discussed at length and they all decided it was a good idea. Jimmy was bouncing around making preposterous plans and wanting to invite his entire army band. As Mabel pointed out, there was still rationing and they only had a small house.

  ‘I’ll go and see what I can pick up,’ he promised his mother. ‘There’s bound to be stuff around all over the place. Leave it to me.’

  ‘I don’t want nothing illegal. Don’t you go to them black market traders. Do you understand me?’

  ‘Course I won’t. Don’t worry about it. I’ve been saving my pay for months. I can splash out a bit.’

  ‘Like I say, nothing illegal. I don’t want the police coming round here.’

  ‘I was thinking. We could clear out the air raid shelter. It’d be a splendid place for a party. Get some lights put up and some music. There’s plenty of room in there. What do you think?’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know. Where would we put all the stuff that’s in there? We’ve been using it as a dumping ground.’