Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘So where’s it all coming from?’ asked Ruth.

  ‘Don’t ask. No, Mum, it’s not black market, I promise you. And we don’t need coupons either.’

  ‘I don’t trust you,’ Mabel told him. ‘Not one bit.’

  ‘Oh Mum, don’t worry so much,’ he said, swinging her round in a circle.

  ‘Stop it, you idiot. Stop it I say.’ He let her go and she collapsed on a chair, laughing. ‘So when does all this get here?’ asked Ruth.

  ‘Thursday or Friday. Not quite sure.’

  ‘It sounds as though we shall have a busy time on Saturday, then.’

  There was a knock at the door.

  ‘Mr James Davies? I’ve got a box for you. There’s money to pay on it. Duty of course.’

  ‘Where’s it from?’

  ‘United States of America. I think it’s foodstuff actually. Well, I know it is from the customs declaration.’

  ‘Oh, brilliant. My friends haven’t let me down after all. Hang on. I’ll go and get some cash.’ He dashed upstairs and grabbed his wallet. Ruth and Mabel stood watching all the activity and wondered what was in the parcel. When he had paid, he took the box into the back room and set it down on the table. ‘Let’s have a look and see what they’ve sent.’ He took the string off carefully and Mabel took it from him, wrapping it round her hand to use again. He opened the box and they all clustered round to look at the contents. There were several tins containing butter and bacon and some ham, and two blocks of chocolate and some biscuits, called cookies, according to the label.

  ‘Well I never,’ said Mabel as she saw the various contents. ‘I’ve never heard of having tinned butter nor bacon even. And what are cookies?’

  ‘We’d call them biscuits. They have different names for lots of things.’

  ‘You’ll have to write and thank them. It’s very kind of them to think of us, isn’t it?’

  ‘Course I will.’ He gave a chuckle. ‘I knew they wouldn’t let me down. Amazin’ isn’t it? They have all these things in cans just ready to send over here.’

  ‘I hope it isn’t all going to be used for this party,’ said Ruth. ‘It would be a bit of a waste. Well, I think it would anyhow.’

  ‘I leave that to you and Mum. You are the catering officers after all.’

  ‘Quite right,’ Mabel told him. ‘We can enjoy this stuff over the next few weeks. No need to use it all right away.’ Jimmy smiled.

  ‘Over to you then. Now, have you looked in the air raid shelter?’ Jimmy asked her.

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘It’s going to be amazing. It’s a good room that one. I’ve more or less finished clearing it. There’s still a few bits round the edges but the middle is clear. It’s going to be great. One or two of my pals will bring their instruments so we can even have some live music.’

  ‘Great. I hope you won’t expect us to march up and down in time.’

  ‘Now Ruth, you surely don’t think that sort of music would appeal to party goers?’ She grinned and raised her shoulders with a shrug. ‘We play jazz and all sorts. You’ll enjoy it, I know you will.’

  ‘I’m sure it’ll be great. Oh, it’s so good to have you home, Jimmy. Safe and seemingly the same as you’ve always been.’

  ‘P’raps Paul will turn up on Saturday. He knows where we live, doesn’t he?’

  ‘He’s got the address but he hasn’t been here. I doubt very much if he’ll come. He says he’s not really well enough.’ She felt tears burning again and left them to it. She didn’t want her brother to see her crying. Mabel watched her go out.

  ‘I’m worried about her. She seems very down in the dumps.’

  ‘She’ll get over it. I expect it’s Paul that’s depressing her. She was so looking forward to him being home and now he is, he isn’t the same as he used to be.’

  ‘I hope you’re right. I’ve heard the same thing from lots of places. I hope you’re not putting too much into this party. It might be a flop.’

  ‘Now Mother, don’t be silly. When does anything I organise turn into a flop? It’ll be the talking point of the whole area. A massive success and probably even get passed down as history. You’ll tell your grandchildren about it in future years. But the men, they all suffered you know. Some of them indescribably. I’m not surprised they’re not the same people who came back. I was one of the lucky ones. And all because I can blow my own trumpet,’ he said with a laugh.

  ‘Oh Jimmy, you really are a case,’ Mabel giggled. ‘I’d better go and wash up now. We’ve only got three days before the party. I’ll need to sort out some dishes. P’raps borrow some from the neighbours. It’s a pity our Ruth doesn’t still work in the pottery industry. She could have borrowed some from the factory.’ She continued to mutter away abut plates and dishes and wandered back to the kitchen. Jimmy was only half listening. He was worried about his twin sister and wondered if there was anything he could do. He hadn’t got any work as yet and was waiting until after the weekend before he went in search of a job. He could go and see Paul and try to persuade him to make the effort to come on Saturday. He made up his mind. When Ruth was at work tomorrow, he’d go over and see him. Feeling much brighter about it, he bounced back into the dining room.

  ‘Come on, we’re going out for a drink,’ he said to Ruth. ‘Don’t look like that. You’re coming and that’s an end to it.’

  ‘I really don’t…’

  ‘Get your coat. Oh no, you don’t need it. Come on. I’m buying and that won’t last for much longer.’

  ‘But…’ Ruth protested. She found herself tugged along behind Jimmy and almost dragged to the pub.

  ‘It’s nice to be out with a good-looking bird, even if it is my sister. Now, what are you drinking?’

  ‘Oh I don’t know. Lemonade, I should think.’

  ‘I’ll get you a shandy. That’s mostly lemonade anyway. Sit yourself down over there. I want to talk.’ She did as she was told and sat down, watching him buy the drinks. He was so full of life, she was thinking. He chatted to the barman and made him laugh. She wished she could do something like that but knew she’d never have the confidence to talk to a stranger. He came over having taken the top off his drink.

  ‘There you go. I was negotiating getting a small barrel of beer for the party.’

  ‘You’ve got a nerve. It’s only four days away. How’s he going to get it round to ours? Doesn’t it have to settle for a bit?’

  ‘It’ll be fine. He’ll deliver it tomorrow.’

  ‘You’re amazing, Jimmy. You seem to make everything happen the way you want it.’

  ‘It’s just a matter of thinking it can happen and it does. Come on then. Tell me what’s wrong with you. You’re as miserable as a wet weekend in Merthyr Tydfil.’ She laughed.

  ‘Where’s that?’

  ‘Dunno. It sounded good though and raised a laugh out of you. You’ve been pretty miserable since Saturday.’

  ‘I’m surprised you noticed. You’re so full on all the time.’ She paused thoughtfully. ‘It’s Paul, actually. I was expecting the same man to come back to me but he isn’t.’

  ‘I see. Does that mean you don’t much care about him?’

  ‘Not really. I mean I still love him. Well, I think so anyway. I just… I wish he could be a bit more enthusiastic about things. He just sits there and won’t even try to move himself.’

  ‘He’s been through such a lot. How long was he imprisoned, for instance?’

  ‘At least a couple of years. Then he escaped and was in hiding.’

  ‘Well there you are. It really does take some time to get over that sort of thing. Now, come on. Drink up. I’ve nearly finished a whole pint while you’ve barely started your half.’ She smiled and reached over for his hand.

  ‘Thanks Jimmy. Maybe I needed this. A bit of normality in my life. I could almost forget all about the war for a minute, with you around. I’m sure the party will be great. It would be even nicer if Paul was to come.�
��

  ‘It’ll be good whatever. You’ll be fine, love. One of my mates is looking forward to meeting you. You’ll like him, I promise you.’

  ‘Oh but I’m not…’ she began.

  ‘Hush. I’m not listening. Now, drink up. I’m ready for another.’

  Dan was home by the time they got back. Jimmy was feeling quite merry after drinking several pints.

  ‘Dad,’ he said brightly. ‘How are you doing?’

  ‘I’m all right. Not as merry as you are, son.’

  ‘Life is good. The war’s over and I’m home again. I’ll start looking for a job next week and all is well.’ He then hiccupped and started to giggle. Ruth shook her head and smiled.

  ‘Think it’s about time you were tucked up in your bed.’

  *

  Once Ruth had gone off to work the next morning, Jimmy told his mum he was going out for a while.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Just out. I’ll be back later on. Bye Mum, see ya.’ Mabel shook her head. He really was quite a case, she thought. But he was so full of fun and so lively, he was quite exhausting and she was glad to have a bit of peace to do her housework.

  Jimmy caught the bus over to Longton and strode along to the Jenkins house. He wasn’t exactly sure which house it was but he asked someone walking along the road. He knocked at the door.

  ‘Mrs Jenkins? It’s Jimmy Davies. Ruth’s brother. I thought I’d call to see Paul, if that’s okay.’

  ‘I’d have recognised you anywhere. You are just like Ruth aren’t you? Same colour hair and eyes. Come on in. I’ll give Paul a shout. He should be up by now.’

  ‘Thanks.’ He followed her into the back room, looking round with memories of their old house foremost in his mind. He heard Mrs Jenkins shouting upstairs to Paul, telling him to come down right away.

  ‘What’s up?’ he said coming into the room. ‘Oh, Jimmy. Nice to see you. There’s nothing wrong with Ruth is there?’ he asked anxiously.

  ‘No, not all. I was sort of in the area and thought I’d drop by to say hello. How are you getting on?’

  ‘Slowly. How about you?’

  ‘I’m fine. I was in the army musical corp so I did pretty well actually. Not all easy of course but when did that happen? You suffered quite a bit I gather?’

  ‘Labour camp and then once I escaped I was wandering round France. But I’m sure Ruth’s told you all that.’

  ‘She did say a bit. I’m sorry to hear it all. Now then, has she told you about our joint birthday party? Twenty-four on Saturday. Can’t believe it. Hope you’re going to make it.’

  ‘I’m not really sure. I haven’t been out much since I got back. I don’t really like going out.’

  ‘I can imagine that. Suppose someone came over with you? I’ve got a mate who lives near here. He’d come with you if I asked him. It’d mean so much to our Ruth.’

  ‘I’m not really sure. Thanks anyway.’

  ‘So, how about coming out for a pint? It must be opening time by now.’

  ‘Oh, I couldn’t. Thanks, anyway.’

  ‘Come on. I’ll be with you.’

  ‘Why don’t you go, son?’ said his mother.

  ‘I’m not sure. But I don’t think I could.’ Jimmy stared at him, wondering what to try next.

  ‘Come for a bit of a walk then.’

  ‘I’m all right, ta.’

  ‘Paul. You’ve got to make some sort of effort. It’s all very well saying no all the time. Now, go and get your coat and come for a walk. I won’t leave until you’ve agreed to it.’ Paul stared at him in surprise. Where was the jokey chap he’d been used to? He looked positively scary.

  ‘All right then. I’ll go for a walk with you. I’ll just go and put my shoes on and get my coat.’

  ‘Will you need a coat? It’s pretty warm outside. Just as you like.’ He remembered Ruth had said Paul seemed to be feeling the cold. It must be some sort of relic from his time in France. At last he appeared and pulled on his coat. Jimmy nodded to him and said goodbye to Mrs Jenkins. The poor woman didn’t seem to know how to handle her son.

  Jimmy strode along and then realised Paul wasn’t keeping up with him.

  ‘Sorry,’ Paul mumbled. ‘I’m not up to walking much.’

  ‘Not a problem. Just me walking too fast. Let’s go and have a pint,’ he said as they reached the pub. ‘On me of course.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Paul began.

  ‘No worries. I still have some pay left. Come on. What do you drink?’ he asked, pushing the door open.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Paul replied.

  ‘Beer or Guinness?’

  ‘Whatever you like.’

  ‘I’ll get you a Guinness. It’ll do you more good.’

  ‘Just a half then. Thanks.’

  ‘Half, it is. You go and sit down over there while I get the drinks.’ Jimmy carried his own pint and a half of Guinness and set them down on the table. He could see what Ruth meant about Paul’s reticence to do or say anything much. It was probably the result of his time in France as much as the prison camp. ‘Want to talk about it?’ he asked.

  ‘Dunno really. It’s beginning to seem like a bad dream. I’m ashamed to say it’s starting to fade and I have to keep pulling it back.’

  ‘But why pull it back? If it’s so upsetting, why try to pull it back?’

  ‘Because I didn’t deserve to live. Not when Francine was so brutally murdered. Her parents were…’ He felt tears burning in his eyes and stopped speaking.

  ‘Come on now,’ Jimmy told him gently. ‘This does you no good at all. You’ve got to look forward and stop harbouring the past. My sister is desperately trying to hold it together on your behalf. Don’t you owe it to her to make some effort?’

  ‘I’m not really worth it, am I? I mean to say, take a look at me. I’m just a shell of the man I was.’

  ‘Rubbish. Come on, drink up and I’ll buy you another.’ Jimmy downed his pint and got up. ‘Come on, drink it down.’ Paul did as he was told and sat with an empty glass in front of him, looking somewhat pleased with himself. ‘Good man,’ laughed Jimmy.

  After drinking a pint of Guinness, Paul seemed very much more cheerful. They left the pub and walked a little way along the road before he decided it was time he went back home.

  ‘Mum’ll be worried about me. I should get back now.’

  ‘Okay. And what about the party? I really think you should make the effort and come over. I can get Bill to call and collect you on his way. You can stay over at our place and Ruth could come back with you on Sunday. Go on. Say yes.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ began Paul hesitantly.

  ‘For Ruth’s sake? Couldn’t you do it for her?’ Don’t you love her that much?’

  ‘Course I love her. No doubt of that. But what would Mum do without me?’

  ‘Same as she’s done for five years. You’ve got your own life to live.’

  ‘But she’s on her own now, since Dad died. She relies on me to be there with her.’

  ‘I’ll ask her what she thinks when we get back.’

  ‘I know what she’ll say. You don’t understand.’

  ‘Oh but I think I do. She’ll say you’re to come over. I’m sure she will. I’ll get Bill to call anyway and you’re to be ready. Is that clear?’ Jimmy realised he needed to bully him a bit. ‘Right, here we are. I’ll come in and speak to your mum and then I’d best be on my way. Got to collect some stuff for the party. You’d be missing a good feed if nowt else.’

  ‘Thanks Jimmy. I know what you’ve been trying to do and believe me, I am grateful.’

  ‘Then prove it by coming on Saturday. Mrs Jenkins. Here he is, safe and sound. What do you think about him coming over to ours on Saturday?’

  ‘Well, if he feels he can, I’d be delighted. How do you feel about it, son?’

  ‘I dunno. It’ll mean two buses and you’d be left all on your own.’

  ‘Eh, d
unna worry about that. I’d enjoy the break. Might even go to the flicks with my neighbour.’

  ‘Really?’ said Paul, seemingly astounded by the suggestion.

  ‘Yes, really,’ his mum told him.

  ‘Well, there you are then. I’ll tell Bill to come round about three. Then you’ll be in plenty of time for a bit of a sit before the fun starts.’

  ‘What a nice offer,’ his mother said.

  ‘Yes, thanks,’ mumbled Paul. ‘All right. I’ll see you on Saturday. Shall you tell Ruth?’

  ‘I might. Or I might leave it as a big surprise for her. She’ll be thrilled, take it from me.’

  Jimmy left the house and whistled as he walked away. He felt chuffed with himself and he knew it wasn’t just the Guinness he’d fed to the man. Next on his agenda was to go and collect the beef he’d been promised. He just hoped his mother didn’t realise where it was coming from. Black Market? Never, he thought, grinning.

  *

  When she got home from work on Friday, Ruth found her mother in a terrible state of panic.

  ‘Our Jimmy’s brought all this stuff in for me to deal with I don’t know how I’m ever going to manage it. There’s a big joint of beef, sausage meat and a load of chicken bits. He seems to think I can make summat out of them. God knows what though.’

  ‘I’ll go and change and come and help you.’

  ‘And I’ve got to provide a meal for you all tonight. I haven’t even had time to go and queue at the butcher’s today.’

  ‘Why not use the chicken stuff tonight? We could have a pie or something?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m going to run out of flour to make pastry and I’ve only got a bit of marg left. Where does he get these ideas from, I don’t know.’ She continued to chunter as Ruth went upstairs. She could sympathise with her mother’s feelings. Jimmy expected everyone to share his feelings and enthusiasm. Whatever they were thinking about the war ending, the austerity certainly hadn’t ended with it. Life was still as difficult as it had been for many years. She didn’t even want to think where all this meat had come from.

  ‘Let’s get supper decided first,’ she said as she went into the kitchen. ‘Then we can make the sausage rolls and then cook the piece of beef. How does that sound? One of us can make the pastry while the other does the chicken.’