by Bella Jewel
“Are you okay, honey?” Jo asks, walking out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her.
“I’m so confused, Jo. So damned confused.”
“Sit,” she tells me, pointing to the bed. “I’ll get dressed and we’ll talk.”
I sit and wait for her to get dressed. When she’s done, she comes out and sits on the bed beside me. Her eyes go to my hand, “You had your hand fixed.”
“Tanner did it,” I say, looking at her, feeling stupid and idiotic.
“You were with Tanner?” she asks, confused.
“Please, don’t judge me. I’m already judging myself enough.”
“I’m not judging you, honey. Tell me what happened.”
I tell her everything, from the diner to what just happened in his room. Once I’m done, she sits in silence for a few moments, her expression that of deep thought.
“He’s opening up to you, and he’s helping you, which seems to go completely against his little comment about everything being a lie. I think Tanner is scared, and he’s confused, and he’s hurt. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing right now.”
“I know that,” I tell her, “but why can’t he just leave me alone? Why can’t he just go the hell away because he’s making me equally as confused.”
“Have you told him that?”
I nod. “Of course I have. I’ve told him to let me be.”
“You could have stood up at the diner, moved away, you could have gotten the first-aid kit out of his car and done it yourself. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself, Callie.”
I put my head in my hands and groan. “Why do you always have to point out the horribly obvious?”
She laughs. “Because I’m your best friend, it’s my job. Do you have feelings for Tanner?”
I glance at her. “I’m confused, that’s the truth. Before I found out what he was doing, yes, I had feelings. Strong feelings. I thought ...”
“You thought you could love him?”
I nod. “But then I found out what he did, and everything became clouded. Since then, it has just been this mix of feeling sorry for him, and anger, and then guilt that I feel sorry for him, and so many things that I can’t make sense of my own head. Tonight, when he opened up about Celia, I almost could justify him doing what he did. Then I felt stupid for thinking that because it’s not okay what he did.”
“No,” Jo agrees. “No, it’s not okay, but for what it’s worth, I truly think Tanner believed what he was doing was right at the time. He thought you took something from him. Right now, he’s having to live with the fact that what he has believed for so long is wrong. He’s now having to face his own guilt, not to mention the nightmare of knowing what happened to his sister. He’s holding up well, but he’s in a bad place, Callie. It’s only human to feel for him. You’re not a monster.”
“No,” I whisper. “But he was a monster to me. I can’t just overlook that.”
“No, you can’t. You’re right about that, but it doesn’t mean you should be angry at the feelings you’re having.”
“He called me selfish tonight,” I tell her. “He said I’ve been so focused on me, and what happened to me, that I haven’t once stopped and thought about how they’re feeling, and what they went through. Do you think that’s true? Do you think I’m selfish?”
“No,” Jo tells me. “I think you’ve been to hell and back and you went away for a crime that wasn’t entirely your fault and you missed out on your best years because of it. Then you came out, trusted someone, and that someone hurt you in the worst way. I think you’re cautious. Not selfish.”
“Yeah,” I say, my voice a low whisper. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Look, you’ve had a long day, get some rest. Try not to think too much about what happened in there tonight. The truth is, both you and Tanner are going through something right now, let yourselves process that.”
I smile at her, and stand. “I’m going to take a shower. Thanks, lovely.”
She nods, and I disappear into the bathroom. I close the door and exhale, leaning against it.
Is she right?
Is he right?
Am I right?
Or are we all right, in our own way?
I just don’t know anymore.
13
“HE’S NOT ANSWERIN’,” Tatum says over breakfast the next day, with all of us sitting at a booth in the diner. “I know he’s freakin’ out.”
“How can you be so sure he’s still where you sent him?” Jo asks. “He might have moved on by now. Gone into hiding?”
“He might have, but I doubt it. As far as he knows I’m still the only one who knows where he is. I think he’s just panicking and has gone off the radar. Possibly changed his number. We’ll find him. I have other contacts. He isn’t the only one.”
Tanner stares down at his clenched fists.
He’s still hurt, still so deeply hurt, that his best friend in the whole world let him down. I know how that feels—it’s a god damned shitty feeling for anyone to experience.
“Don’t you fuckin’ worry,” Tanner growls. “We’ll find him.”
“You made a promise, Tanner,” Tatum adds, his voice rough. “I tell you where he is, and you don’t fuckin’ rip his throat out. Startin’ to think I can’t trust your word.”
Tanner’s head whips up. “Oh, like I can fuckin’ trust yours? I think we’re in the same boat, you’re just goin’ to have to believe in the person I am. God knows I can’t believe in the person you are.”
“He’s my fuckin’ brother,” Tatum hisses. “Would you have no done the same for Celia? If she fucked up.”
“Not if she fucked up like that,” Tanner barks.
Everyone in the diner stops eating and glances over at our table.
“Bullshit, you would have helped her, no matter what, yet you expect me to do no differently.”
“You could have helped him without fuckin’ betrayin’ everyone you love and letting an innocent girl go down for something that wasn’t entirely her fault.”
Oh, god.
Did he just call me an innocent girl?
My heart flutters, and I’m stunned, completely stunned.
“Like you can fuckin’ talk,” Tatum yells. “Don’t take the moral fuckin’ high ground here, Tanner. You tormented that girl; I didn’t force you to. You made that choice and yeah, I fuckin’ went along with it, because she meant fuck-all to me and Chase means everything, so I chose her to take it. I regret that now, but you don’t get to fuckin’ act like you’re any better than I am.”
Oh, god.
“That’s enough,” Ethan snaps, shaking his head. “We’re in a diner, people are watching. How long are you all going to go on about this for? Every one of us fucked up. Every single person at this table has made a mistake at one point or another, we just made a bigger one than most. You want to throw around who is worse? Do it somewhere else. We all let down people we love, for fuck’s sake. Grow the hell up.”
He stands and walks out, slamming the diner door so the bell clatters for far too long, sending a chiming sound through the diner for a few minutes. I glance at Jo, and she’s staring at Tatum, her face holding an expression I can’t quite figure out. I’m not sure if she likes him, hates him, or if she feels sorry for him. I guess I understand that. No matter what Tanner has done, my heart still aches when he speaks, my palms still sweat when he’s close, and my body still prickles when he touches me.
It’s hard, very fucking hard, to let go of those things.
“Okay,” I say, standing. “I think it’s time we get going.”
I turn and walk toward the door, but Tatum’s voice stops me. “Callie?”
I look back at him.
“It’s worth nothing, nothing at all, I know that, but I am sorry. For what little it matters, I am so fuckin’ sorry. You didn’t deserve what we did to you. I get that now more than ever.”
I swallow and hold his eyes.
It takes a lot, a fucking lot
, to admit something like that. He doesn’t owe me anything, just as I don’t owe him anything, and yet hearing that ... It means the damn world. It helps, it really does help.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my throat tight. “I appreciate it.”
Then I walk outside, feeling like a tiny weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I came on this trip wanting to hate them all, but slowly I’m realizing that we all have our own demons and our own mistakes. Ethan is right about that, none of us are perfect, none of us are doing right all the time. Hell, we’re all fucked up in our own ways.
I appreciate Tatum’s willingness to apologize for something like that.
I can’t help but wish Tanner would do the same. Maybe then I’d have an excuse to feel the way I’m feeling, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about the way he still affects me. I exhale and walk over to the truck, climbing in. Ethan is sitting in the back, and his eyes fall on mine when I get in.
“How long are you going to avoid me, Callie?” he asks, his voice tired. “You can talk to Tanner, but you can’t talk to me. You can’t give me the fuckin’ chance to make this better with you?”
I hold his eyes. “You got me through the worst moments of my life. You held me up when I honestly thought I couldn’t keep going. I have feelings for Tanner, I won’t deny that, but I don’t know him the way I know you. It hurts me what he did, but it fucking kills me what you did.”
Ethan shakes his head, frustrated. “I fucked up once, Callie. I stopped then. I gave up my whole fuckin’ family to protect you. I pushed them all aside so I could keep you safe. I didn’t want to be part of their fuckin’ plan but you can’t see that, can you? You can’t see that you were the only fuckin’ family I have left and now I don’t even have that.”
He opens the truck door and gets out.
“Ethan!” I call, but he slams the door without answering.
He goes and gets in Tatum’s car.
My heart aches.
Dammit.
I’m messing this up.
Every step I take, it’s getting more and more complicated.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t know who to love and who to hate.
I don’t know who I’m allowed to be disappointed in and who I’m not.
I’m so lost.
So damn lost.
“TELL ME ABOUT ETHAN,” I say to Tanner a few hours into our overly silent trip.
“Ethan?” he questions, his voice rough.
“Yes, Ethan. I want to know about him, about how you two became so close. I want to know everything.”
Tanner shakes his head. “That’s not my story to tell. You got issues with Ethan, you need to take them up with him.”
“I’m asking you,” I snap.
“I don’t feel like fuckin’ talkin’ about Ethan!” he growls. “Now let it go.”
“Why?” I push. “Because you fucked up with him, too? What is it you’re so afraid of, Tanner? That I’m going to eventually get the whole story, every gritty detail?”
“No,” he mutters, “I just don’t want to talk about him with you. You and Ethan can go have your own little fuckin’ thing somewhere else.”
What?
What is he talking about?
“Ethan and I were friends, nothing more. But he saved me in that place, which you would know if you ever stopped to ask. In fact, you would know a lot if you ever took the chance to hear my side of the story. Do you have any idea what it was like in there for me?”
“You know what, Callie?” he roars, his hands clenching around the wheel. “I don’t fuckin’ care. I don’t fuckin’ care about you or anything. Shut the fuck up.”
His voice raises so high I flinch.
I’m stunned.
Shocked.
Confused.
He pulls the truck over, and images of yesterday’s little drama come flashing through my mind. He turns to me when the car has stopped and barks, “Get the fuck out of my car. Ride with Tatum.”
“Tanner ...” I say, genuinely confused.
“I’m sick of listening to your poor me shit, you want to hate all of us, go the fuck ahead. You’re not the only one suffering, but you don’t give a fuck about that. It’s only you. Get out of my fuckin’ truck!”
He yells it so loudly, I unbuckle my seatbelt quickly and climb out, feeling like I’ve been punched in the chest. I walk over to Tatum’s truck silently and open the back door, saying to Garrett in a hushed voice, “Ride with Tanner.”
He gets out without question and goes to Tanner’s truck, climbing in. I get in the back with Jo, and when her eyes meet mine, they’re concerned. She mouths ‘What happened?’ but I shake my head.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Tatum takes off and we get back on the road.
“Are you okay?” Jo asks softly when we’ve been driving in silence for a few minutes.
“No,” I whisper. “No, I’m not.”
“What happened?”
“I asked him about—” I glance at Ethan and nod, then continue “—and he lost it at me. He just lost it. He said he doesn’t want to talk about him, and I made the mistake of mentioning how things were for me in prison and he just lost it. He said not everything is about me and then pulled over and told me to get out.”
Jo nods, as if she knows exactly what is going on. “I don’t think he’s taking all of this as well as you think he is,” she says softly, so the guys can’t hear.
“I know that but—”
Jo puts a hand up, not in a rude manner, just to get me to stop. “Listen, I love you, so much, but this goes a lot deeper than we first thought. It’s not just about us and our anger anymore. The last few days I’ve spent in this car, listening to Tatum talk, listening to Ethan, I realize that they’ve been through a lot too. So much more than we probably realized. Everyone is hurting here right now. Everyone is worried about someone, or something, and I think we all need to stop and be considerate of what the other person is feeling.”
“I feel like I’m being punished for being hurt about what they did,” I say, softly.
“You’re not, because you have every right to be hurt about what they did. It was wrong, on so many levels. When this is done, you never have to see any of them again. All I’m saying is that everyone is really struggling, so on this trip, I think we just need to put it behind us because it’s not going to get easier and we need to be able to stick together.”
“You think I should apologize to Tanner?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I just think you need to be aware that he’s processing a lot right now, and even though what he did to you was horrendous, I think he truly believed that he had a reason to do it, now he’s coming to the understanding that he was wrong, and everything he believed was wrong and he’s feeling all of it. Just give him space.”
I nod, giving her a weak smile.
She’s right, I know she’s right.
Why am I finding it so hard to let go? So hard to look past what they did and try to understand that they’re all suffering too. I’m struggling with accepting that, and it’s making me feel like a really bad person because I know everyone is dealing with their own demons right now.
I exhale.
I just wish this would get easier.
But Jo is right, it’s only going to get harder.
So much fucking harder.
I’m not sure I’m ready for it.
14
WE’VE GOT ONLY ONE more day of driving left before we find ourselves in Chase’s city. Tatum has been trying to contact him but knows where he’s living so we’re going to start there. I guess the chance of Chase nothing being there is high, Tatum is right, he’s probably freaking out. No doubt worried about what is coming for him. I can’t say I blame him, Chase has a lot to answer for, so many questions he has to face up to.
Then he has to face up to Tanner, to me, and possibly to the police.
Chase’s life is about to be turned
upside down.
I can’t feel sorry for him, though.
He needs to own up to what he did. To what happened to Celia.
He needs to face it.
All of it.
I haven’t spoken to Tanner since he kicked me out of his car two days ago. We’ve all just been driving, sleeping, driving, and sleeping. Nobody has anything to say, we’re all scarily quiet, no doubt lost in our own thoughts.
I’m riding with Tanner again today, because Jo wanted to have a nap on the backseat of Tatum’s car. Ethan and I are back with Tanner, and of course everything is quiet. Nobody is speaking. Nobody is dealing with anything. Everyone is just letting things burn inside them until we’re all going to combust and cause chaos wherever we go.
I glance back at Ethan who is sleeping soundly on the backseat, his hands tucked under his head. Not only is he barely talking to me, but I actually feel like I want to sort things out with him. I want all of this to go away, yet my stubborn side is stopping me from taking that step.
Still, I can’t handle the silence with Tanner anymore.
We have so many unspoken words between us, and we really need to start getting them out of the way. Jo is right, we might never see each other again after this trip. Would we be truly okay with the words that have passed between us thus far being enough? I don’t think so.
“Are we going to sit in silence forever?” I dare to ask, my voice hesitant. I don’t want to make him angry, yet at the same time I can’t sit like this anymore.
“Yes,” he growls, eyes on the road.
We’re slowing down coming into a city, so I know we’ll stop for a break soon and I know he’ll get out, ignore me, and we’ll be back to square one, so this is the only chance I have of actually getting somewhere.
“Look, I know you hate me, Tanner, but ...”
“Stop, Callie,” he warns. “I’m not in the mood.”
“I understand that, I really do, but we can’t go on like this forever.”
“What is it you want from me?” he barks, making Ethan jerk on the back seat. “For us to be fuckin’ friends? Did you forget what I did to you? Did you forget that I fuckin’ wanted you to pay? Did you forget that I set your whole fuckin’ life up to be a lie?”