by Bella Jewel
“No, I did not forget,” I snap back. “But I also know that one minute you’re calling me selfish because I’m not letting that stuff go, and now you’re asking me if I’ve forgotten. What is it you want me to do, Tanner? Feel sorry for myself, or let it go?”
“Fuck,” he yells so loudly I flinch. “I don’t know a fuckin’ thing, Callie. I can’t sleep, I can’t fuckin’ think, my head spins all day and I feel like I’m goin’ to lose my fuckin’ mind. I’ve lost my best friend, I’ve got the girl I was tormenting wrongly for months in the car with me, and I can’t fuckin’ breathe!”
He’s roaring now, his voice an angry bark that makes my whole body feel tight. Ethan is sitting up now, and his face is concerned. “Tanner, calm down,” he says, his voice careful. “It’s not goin’ to make you feel any better.”
“Get fucked, Ethan,” Tanner bellows, slamming his fist onto the steering wheel angrily. “You know nothin’ about anything because you fuckin’ took her side. You took her fuckin’ side instead of stickin’ by your family.”
“That’s because she’s fuckin’ innocent, Tanner,” Ethan growls back.
Oh, boy.
“So was Celia!” Tanner roars, his fingers so tense around the steering wheel. “So was Celia! She didn’t deserve to fuckin’ die!”
“Calm down, Tanner,” Ethan says again.
“Fuckin’ fuck you!”
“Tanner,” I say, worried now that he’ll have an accident. “You need to pull over.”
“Don’t tell me what to fuckin’ do, Callie. Are you scared that I might hit someone? Kill them like you killed her? An accident? Is it ever truly a fuckin’ accident? I can’t handle this shit anymore. I want to like you, then I want to fuckin’ hate you. I can’t put my mind in the right place. You weren’t watchin’, if you were watchin’ Celia would still be here.”
“Accidents happen all the time, you cannot blame me forever,” I yell at him.
“Can’t I?” he laughs, bitterly. “It’s a fuckin’ lot easier.”
“Fuck you, Tanner!”
He glances over at me, quickly, his eyes locking onto mine, “Fuck you, Callie. It’s your fault she’s dead. An accident, I call fuckin’—”
“Tanner!” Ethan suddenly roars. “Watch out!”
Tanner’s head whips back to the front of the car and he realizes he’s near a pedestrian crossing. There is an older lady walking across it. He reacts quickly, slamming on his brakes so hard my hands fly out in front of me, smashing into the windshield. Pain shoots through my arm as the car skids slightly to the left, Tanner’s attempt to miss the old woman. She stops, her eyes wide, her hands on her chest.
Flashes of memory come flooding back into my mind.
I see it all again.
Celia’s face.
Her eyes.
The smile she gave me.
I don’t realize I’m screaming until the car comes to a stop, mere inches from the old woman.
So fucking close.
I can’t breathe.
My breaths are coming in short, hard bursts as fear grips my body. I almost relived that moment again. The pain that came with it. The horror that followed after it. I’m going to pass out. I can’t get control of my breathing. My hands are trembling. Everything around me is spinning.
I need to get out of this car.
I need to move.
Now.
I unclip my belt in a haze, panting and whimpering as I shove the door open and stumble out of the car. There are people around the old woman now, and Tatum’s car has stopped behind us.
I can’t stop.
“Callie!” Tanner yells as I start running.
I don’t know where we are.
I don’t even know what I’m doing.
All I know is I can’t control myself.
Every single emotion I’ve held in for the last seven years comes flooding out.
Jo calls my name.
Tanner calls my name.
Ethan calls my name.
I just keep running.
I see Celia’s face.
I see that old woman’s face.
I hear Tanner’s words over and over in my mind.
Everything consumes me until I can’t breathe anymore.
I don’t know how far I’ve run, but I know nobody is behind me anymore.
I drop down, my hands hitting my knees as my body buckles forward. I heave and dry retch, unable to keep the emotions in any longer. I sob angrily, my whole body shaking. A few people stop and ask if I’m okay, but none of them stick around. People don’t want to deal with someone like me. People don’t want to help.
Nobody gives a damn.
Tanner is right. It is my fault Celia is dead. It is my fault that she is no longer with her family. I can blame everyone all I want, but I was behind the wheel of that car.
I was driving.
It was me.
Just like if Tanner hit that old woman, it would have been on him.
Nobody else.
It wouldn’t have mattered that I was distracting him, or that the old woman was on the road. No. It was his responsibility to operate that vehicle safely. If he didn’t do that, then it would have been his fault.
Celia Yates might have wanted to die, but I was the one behind the wheel. If I was watching, I would have seen her approach. I would have been able to stop. Maybe, I might have even been able to help her. I might have been able to talk to her, or take her to get some help, instead I hit her. I gave her what she was looking for because I wasn’t paying attention.
Tanner had a right to want revenge against me.
They all did.
I’m a damned monster.
A killer.
A broken killer.
“I KNEW I WOULD FIND you here.”
I jerk at the sound of Tanner’s voice, but I don’t turn. I stare down at my empty glass and wonder how the hell he found me.
I walked myself to the closest bar after my hard reality check, and I haven’t moved since. I haven’t had my phone, and the only cash on me was the fifty I had tucked in my pocket. It was enough to buy drinks. I didn’t think about anything else from that point on. I just wanted to sit here and forget the world. Forget everything.
I got done crying.
I got done hurting.
Now I’m numb.
“What are you doing here?” I say to my glass, even though I’m talking to Tanner.
“I’m lookin’ for you.”
“I have no idea why.”
“Look at me, Callie.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Look. At. Me.”
His voice is firm, an order that he won’t be happy for me to refuse.
I turn and look at him. My eyes are puffy and sore from crying, I know I look terrible, but I don’t care. I want him to see all of me. To see the scars and the broken pieces. To see everything I’ve held inside for so long.
“How did you find me, Tanner?” I ask, my voice crackly and weak.
“I took a guess,” he tells me, his eyes scanning over my face. “I knew you ran, and I figured if I was scared and hurt the way you were, and I was in a strange city, I’d go to a bar. I found the closest bar to where we stopped, and here you were.”
“Great detective skills,” I mutter, looking back at my drink.
“Come on, we’re going to take a walk.”
“We’re not going to do anything,” I snap.
“Listen to me, Callie. What happened today ...”
“What happened today made me realize that you’re right,” I growl at him, slamming my hand down onto the bar. “I killed Celia. It wasn’t an accident. I had full control of that car. I didn’t have to look at the ground. I could have pulled over. I could have stopped and found the can. I didn’t, I chose to take my eyes off that road. I am the reason she is dead. I am the reason you don’t have her anymore. You’re right to hate me, Tanner.”
“I don’t hate you.” His voice is low, and thick.
I look up at him, and his eyes are so intense that I can’t hold them. I can’t see the emotion he hangs tightly onto, because it’ll only make things worse.
“Get up, we’re going for a walk,” he orders. “Now. Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere with you, Tanner Yates.”
“I really don’t fuckin’ care. Get up.”
He grabs my arm, slaps a twenty down onto the bar, and then pulls me until we’re outside. Only then does he let my arm go. I jerk it out of his grips and then cross them, very very angrily. “I don’t need anything else to happen today. Do you know what that was like today? Nearly hitting that woman? Every bad memory in my mind came flooding back. It was horrible. I don’t want to keep reliving this hell over and over again.”
“Stop talking and walk with me.”
He doesn’t give me an option, he takes my hand even though I try to tug it away, and he walks me down the sidewalk and then over a few crossings until we reach a park. It’s nighttime now, so the small park is only lit by streetlights. Tanner walks us over to a huge tree and then he points to the ground at the base of it, where the grass is thick and lush. “Sit down.”
I sit, only because I’ve had a few too many to drink and sitting seems like a far better idea than standing. I sit down, the cool grass pressing against my legs as I nestle in and get comfortable. It’s quiet here, no people rushing past, no cars. It’s strangely peaceful at night. Tanner sits down across from me, so we’re facing each other. I don’t know how he comfortably places his big body down, but he does.
He’s so god damned beautiful under the moonlight.
“What exactly is it you brought me here for?” I ask, my voice a little snippy.
“Today, when I nearly hit that woman, I realized something,” he begins, ignoring my snappy comment. “I realized that we’re humans.”
“Great detective work there, boss,” I mutter. “You should consider changing your career.”
“Just stop, Callie, and listen,” he orders, his voice a little ticked off. “We’re humans. As humans, we fuck up. We make mistakes. I took my eyes off the road, because I was angry. I was angry and I shouldn’t have been behind the wheel of that truck. I nearly killed that old woman. One second, one single second more and she would have been hit. I fucked up. I didn’t mean to fuck up, but I did. I made a mistake. So did you. You made a mistake that night. You took your eyes off the road, no different than I did today, except you weren’t so lucky.”
My throat feels tight, and I stare at my crossed legs, my eyes burning. I have cried all of my tears today, yet his words make it seem like I could find a few more to push out.
“You were young. We’ve all been young. You did somethin’ stupid. We’ve all done somethin’ fuckin’ stupid. You killed my sister, but you didn’t do it intentionally. You made a mistake. I didn’t want to see that, because that meant I had to face what was really fuckin’ goin’ on, and that’s the fact that my sister was hurtin’ and I wasn’t there for her. It’s so much fuckin’ easier for me to blame you, but today I realized that I was nearly you.”
Oh, god.
My throat is so tight I can barely breathe. My heart is pounding. My hands are clammy. Hearing him say these words ... I didn’t truly realize how much I needed them until this very moment. Until this very second.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, his voice genuine, so genuine I want to scream and cry and yelp with joy all at the same time. “I was wrong. I was fuckin’ wrong in what I did to you. I never should have put you though that. I didn’t know your story; I didn’t even try. It wasn’t your fault, Callie. Celia’s death was not your fault. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time and you made a mistake.”
I swallow and make a pained wincing sound.
“It was my fault,” I whisper. “Today you realized that we’re only human, but today I realized that I need to take responsibility for what happened. I didn’t intend to hurt Celia, no, but I could have pulled that car over. I could have made better choices. You were right in calling me selfish. I was selfish. I was so worried about getting justice and clearing my name instead of just accepting the fact that I got what I deserved.”
Tanner is silent for a moment, a long long moment. Then, his voice, in a tone I’ve never heard, fills my ears and my heart. “Celia didn’t want to be here anymore. If it wasn’t you, Callie, it would have been someone else. You’re not selfish. You’re not a monster. You’re not a killer. She couldn’t breathe, she decided it was time to drown.”
His voice cracks, and I look up just in time to see a tear roll down his cheek.
My heart explodes.
I can’t take it a single second longer.
I launch at him, throwing my arms around his neck. The moment our bodies collide, he loses it. His huge body trembles and he starts to cry. I’ve never experienced a grown man crying, especially not a man like Tanner, and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I know that he’s dying inside. I know that something is making him hurt so badly he can’t stop it. Nobody deserves to feel that way.
Nobody.
It takes him a moment for his hands to come up and then little by little, his arms circle around my body until he’s hanging onto me so tightly I can hardly breathe. I don’t mind, though. I don’t want this moment to ever end. Tears are rolling down my cheeks too, and we’re there together, feeling the same kind of pain. The desperate pain. The one that makes you wish you could take it away and start all over again.
Only you can’t. You know you can’t, so you have to suffer. You have to wait and hope that one day you won’t feel that way anymore. That one day you’ll remember how it feels to breathe freely again.
Tanner’s head turns toward mine, and our lips find each other’s. I know there are so many other things we should be doing right now, kissing not being one of them, but I can’t stop it. I don’t even know if I truly want to. I should hate Tanner, that would make so much more sense. I shouldn’t forget what he did, I shouldn’t feel this way about him, but my heart has other ideas.
Our tongues collide, our tears blend together, our hands become frantic and there is no turning back. We both know it. Right now, in this moment, he is all I need. He is all I want. He is all I can think of. His hands move to my shorts and with a bit of frantic maneuvering, he has them pulled down. I’m fumbling with his jeans, needing him inside me probably more than I’ve needed anything in the last few weeks.
I release his cock and place it between my legs, and then I sink down onto it. Right there in the park, where anyone could see. I start moving, riding him with a ferocity I didn’t even know I had in me. His growls turn into groans and my pleasure radiates through the quiet space in the forms of little whimpers. My orgasm finds me long before I’m ready, taking my body almost desperately. I cry out, clutching him, my fingernails biting into his shoulders.
He keeps me moving, his big hands on my hips, moving me up and down. My arms are wrapped around his neck, my face buried in it. I kiss the skin on his neck, tasting the slight saltiness that caresses my mouth. He moans when my lips graze over his jawline, my body still pulsing from my orgasm. I want another one, so badly, I want to feel what I just felt again, before this moment is over.
Because once it’s over, I don’t know if I’ll get it back.
I don’t know if we can ever be anything more than enemies, the people who hurt each other so deeply we’re forever scarred.
Can we honestly ever move past that?
Tanner finds his release, his hands clutching my hips. I keep myself wrapped around him, holding his big body as close to mine as I can get it, wanting to make sure in this moment, at the very least, he feels safe. He knows that I understand. He knows that I feel his pain as deeply as he does. When his body stops trembling from release, I pull away from him and look into his eyes, which are hard to see, but even in the dull glow of the streetlight, I can see they’re red.
“We’re dangerous together,” I
whisper, taking his face into my hands, stroking my thumbs over his cheeks. “There is just so much between us, and yet I find it hard to stay away from you.”
“I lied to you,” he growls, his voice still raspy from sex. “When I said that none of it meant anything to me. I lied. It did mean something. That made it even harder for me to do what I did. When you told me your version of the story, it threw me. I was fightin’ a war against myself, because a huge part of me felt something toward you and it confused me. It scared the fuck out of me, too. I had believed my own version for so long, and meeting you, seein’ how you were, the person you were ... It threw me off. I liked you, fuckin’ more than you know.”
“But it didn’t stop you from continuing on with your plan,” I whisper, my voice shaky.
“No, it didn’t. I fucked up, Callie. I don’t have anything else to say to that except I’m sorry. I’m fuckin’ sorry. You didn’t deserve it.”
I nod, because what else is there to say?
I get off him and fix myself, and then sit down beside him while he adjusts his jeans. For a while, we sit in silence, and then he says to me, “Chase isn’t the only reason I’m on this trip.”
I look to him, and ask, “He isn’t?”
“No. I want to find the men that raped her.”
Oh. No.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. Of course he’s not just going to want Chase to pay, he’s going to want the men who ruined his sister’s life to pay, too. That, however, is dangerous. That’s a whole different ball game. That could get him killed, or worse. His family. Everyone he loves. You don’t go messing with things like that and expect to walk away clean. Chase learned that the hard way.
“Tanner, that’s dangerous,” I say, my voice careful. “Those people are dangerous ...”
“I know what those people are, and they’re going to pay for what they did to Celia. They are going to wish they never laid a hand on her.”
“In doing that, you could end up putting the rest of your family in danger. I understand why you’d want to do this—”
“Do you?” he cuts me off, his voice gruff. “You want Chase, you want your justice, why the hell shouldn’t I want mine?”