Russian Allure

by Oksana Boichenko

  CREATIVITY matters. Everyone asks the same questions in the beginning – where do you work, what about your family, what are you looking for in a partner, etc. No doubt, these are important things, but you can always get to them later. Instead, ask your Russian woman things out of the ordinary – about her dream destination for travel, her goals in life or something else that would be unusual, yet important. Share with her something interesting to attract her attention. Being creative in your discussion is the key to helping her remember you.

  SHARING is important. Sometimes our past sorrows and disappointments cause us to close up –we become reluctant to share information about ourselves with others, yet expect them to be open with us. But with such an attitude it is really impossible to create a good relationship – if you don’t open up, how will the other person ever get to know you? Also, remember that women (especially Russian women) have a good intuition – if you are not being totally genuine and open, they might feel like you are hiding something and not disclose much about themselves as well. However, remember that there can be too much information. For one, avoid sensitive topics, especially in the beginning of your communication (politics, sex, former partners, money). For another, it is best not to reveal everything about yourself at once. Doing so can be overwhelming – after all, the fun of the dating process is in getting to know each other. Sharing information in stages will allow your Russian woman to get to know you more deeply and focus on the necessary aspects of your personality you may wish to highlight. This will also appeal to your lady’s sense of curiosity – she will be intrigued to get to know you further.

  LISTENING will get you further than talking. Use the 20 – 80% rule in your conversations – meaning, 20% of talking vs. 80% of listening. If you really want to get to know someone – let them talk. You will be amazed at what you will find out, plus, usually the person doing most of the talking is more likely to feel that there is chemistry in the conversation.

  ATTENTION accompanies good listening. When talking to a woman over the phone, refer to things she has mentioned in her profile or emails – this will show her that you actually read what she has to say and you are paying attention.

  RELAXATION is important. If you are tense, it will reflect on your communication skills. I have watched many people during their first meetings, whether online or offline, – most of the time both parties are so nervous that the experience becomes unpleasant for both. When you are tense, you are unable to be at your best; you can also create a sense of mistrust in your partner and you will not have a chance to truly get to know each other and have a second meeting. Being relaxed will help you remain confident and put your best foot forward – that’s the only way you can truly show strong points of your personality. There are many relaxation techniques: someone chooses yoga, someone uses meditation, yet someone else chooses to have a drink before the meeting. Whatever your strategy, make sure it works and keeps you adequate for genuine communication. You can always take up communication courses as with practice confidence and relaxation will follow.

  AVOID PRECONCEPTIONS in your discussions. Getting to know someone from a different country is a certain way to expand your horizons, however, stereotypes often get in the way of really getting to know the other person. While you might be used to doing things a certain way or following certain traditions, other cultures can offer you a different perspective – and at times teach you something important. If you get busy comparing how differently you do certain things, you will miss out on the beauty of communication.

  NEGATIVITY is out of the question. Don’t fill your conversation with complaints, criticism or other expressions of negativity. The initial moments of communication and meeting are important; use them to the fullest to make a good impression. While we all have our moments of weakness, it is best to first establish connection with your Russian lady before you pour out the sorrows of your heart.

  FINISH WITH A SMILE. It is important to say good-bye at the point when you both are in a good mood and enjoying the conversation. The way you finish your conversation is the way your women will remember you. Finishing on a positive note (ideally with a joke) will keep the woman smiling for the next several hours, and every time she will think about you, she will definitely do it with a smile.

  LIMIT your first conversation to 20 minutes at maximum – this will keep your woman from becoming overwhelmed and send her a message that you have a bunch of important things to do (Russian women love men who have busy lives full of important things to do!).

  SET THE TIME for the next phone call, specify date and time ahead. Many people forget to do this. Conversations remain as if unfinished and neither man nor woman knows whether or not there was a connection or what to expect next. You can say something like: “This was fun, thanks so much for finding time to talk to me. What do you think if I call you next Thursday? Would that day work for you? And if so, would 5 pm work for you or would 8 pm be better?”

  The language challenge

  Language barrier is one of the main obstacles in your search for a foreign wife, however, it is a problem only if you make it a problem – I say this after having observed hundreds of couples, some of which were able to communicate and get along even when a woman didn’t know hardly a word of English.

  In fact, I’ve noticed that those couples where a woman barely speaks English are more stable; such relationships are often fueled by humorous situations partners face with regard to the “issue”. Such couples are generally closer physically, and their intimacy level is much higher than with the ones who speak the same language. It might seem absurd, but there is a simple explanation to this phenomena: couples with language “issues” have to look for other forms of communication during which they touch each other more (pointing at things, looking into a dictionary together and touching cheeks) – physical contact becomes the norm, while couples where both partners speak the language often fall behind trying to discuss what is acceptable.

  I introduced the couple in the photo during one of my tours in the Dominican Republic. Marina did not speak a word of English, literally zero. She and her now husband connected at once, they were always smiling, holding hands, looking for words in a dictionary, trying to build phrases, and communicating just fine, even making jokes. I offered them the help of an interpreter, but they refused. When I asked Marina how they were able to communicate, she said “We just try to find words in a dictionary and use gestures, and when we face awkward silence, we just cover it with kisses”. Well, you can see from the photos that they had many awkward silent moments, but something tells me her man (now husband) didn’t mind a bit.

  I am not saying that you shouldn’t talk – it is important to discuss certain issues to understand whether you are right for each other. However, to determine chemistry and attraction, you need more than words – to be more precise, you need to kiss, dance, touch, and smell.

  We all have intuition, but sometimes we choose to disregard it by listening to our logic and mind instead. Scientists have already proven that when two people kiss, the mix of their saliva creates a certain chemical reaction. This reaction has a specific taste and smell, but it also stimulates certain emotional reactions which can be positive or negative. So, when we are with the wrong person, a kiss with that person will feel wrong, it will taste bad, it will not be enjoyable, simply because genetically we are with someone whose genes aren’t a good match for us – it is nature telling us: “Stop! Reproduction in this combination will not be right.” But when we are with the right person (genetically speaking), our entire body responds to that kiss, we don’t want to stop, we shiver, we want to get closer and closer. In this case, your children will be smart and beautiful (should you go further than a kiss, of course). I am certain, you know what I am talking about, and you can surely remember all the lovely kisses you’ve shared as well as kisses that felt very, very wrong.

  The same is true for two people touching each other. Skin is our biggest organ, it is very sensitive t
o outside factors. If we communicate on the same wavelength, levels of our body energy complement each other. Have you ever wanted to run away for no obvious reasons from someone the minute you met them? This was your skin accepting signals from another person’s body and telling you that you are not compatible. If you want to test your compatibility with a woman, touching is a great way to do so; if you are looking for an opportunity to touch her, then asking her to dance is the perfect way to see how comfortable you are with your potential partner.

  Smell is another factor that affects our chemistry with another person. I am referring to an individual body aroma. You certainly have been in a situation where you didn’t want to be close to someone because their smell wasn’t appealing – again, this is your body telling you that you are not compatible with this person, sexually or otherwise. Unfortunately, many men try to force relationships with gorgeous women even if they don’t feel any chemistry; needless to say, such relationships almost never work out.

  Let’s get back to the language issue, nonetheless. If you are still concerned about being able to communicate, here is something that should put you at ease. A foreign language is mandatory in most schools, colleges, and universities in Russia and Ukraine. English is one of the most common languages taught, followed by German and French. Specialized schools teach foreign languages from grade one, other schools introduce languages from about fourth or fifth year.

  This means that even if your woman did not attend a specialized language school, she would have had at least a few years of exposure to a foreign language. However, if she did not have a chance to practice it or graduated a while ago, she could simply forget what she knew or lack confidence in using the language. This is where she will need your help, to remind her of what she knows and help her practice the language. But first, you must build her confidence and encourage practicing the language in a comfortable environment. This means, you must let her know that it is okay to make mistakes and give her your full support.

  Basically, about 15% of women will be able to speak English well, about 20% will have at least basic vocabulary, and the rest will at least be able to understand some of what is being said to them, given that you speak slowly and clearly. You are likely to find more English speaking women in larger cities than in rural areas. In many situations, even if a woman is convincing you she does not know the language, it can simply be her lack of confidence and fear of sounding funny.

  Once you know how much English your lady can speak, you can help her in more tangible ways when it comes to improving her language skills. If she knows the language well, but simply lacks practice, you can correct this by frequent communication and some basic self-help books and materials. If her knowledge is less or very limited, you might think about hiring a tutor along with buying some language-learning software for her.

  Now is a good time to share with you information about a special language program developed by my good friend specifically for “Russian brides”. Julia is a former “Russian bride” herself who married an American gentleman and now lives in New York. She knows what Russian women face when they come to America. Formerly an English teacher, she agreed to help me design a language program which would be aimed at Russian women with limited language knowledge who want to marry a foreigner. This program can help any woman, with any level language knowledge to speak at least basic English within 2-3 months - I’ve seen it happen to just about every girl who has taken this course.

  –––– Resource! ––––

  You can check out her “English for “Brides” program at www.UsaLanguageAcademy.com

  She currently works on “Russian for Grooms” designed specifically for men looking to find and marry a Russian woman.

  ––––––––––

  This isn’t plain advertising. I recommend this course for a number of reasons. First, it works. Second, your woman might be unable to afford English lessons even if she wants to learn the language. Most English tutors/classes charge from $15 per hour of studies; to learn the language, one should take 2-3 lessons a week; that’s at least $120 a month with an average salary being $150-200 a month. Once you meet a woman you are seriously interested in, even if you don’t get this particular course, you should consider helping her with learning the language by paying for English classes.

  Whatever the situation with her language skills, it is important for you to realize that you have to be patient and understanding while she learns the language. Do not show your frustration if the process seems to move too slowly for you, it will only discourage your sweetheart. Make sure that you are supportive of all her efforts. You might also consider learning some basic Russian to make your Russian bride feel more at ease. You don’t have to become fluent, but learning a few basic phrases and words will help both of you feel more comfortable while communicating. Julia is now developing a program for gentlemen who want to marry a Russian girl; in it, she will help English-speaking “grooms” to learn Russian language. This is a great chance for you surprise your sweetheart and her parents by your knowledge of her language, to show her that you are serious about her, and increase her confidence in learning a foreign language as well – when she hears your accent in Russian, she will not feel so bad about her stumbling English.

  Please, remember, language should not be the deciding factor in your relationship. Yes, it is important for communication, but it is something that can be learned. It is much more important for you to find a person with the qualities you are looking for, as personal traits are a lot harder to cultivate than learning a foreign language.

  Let me finish by sharing some humour from my personal archive. This happened during my second week of living in America. I was staying with my fiancé, he left for work leaving me at home on my own. I browsed through all cabinets in search of toothpaste (I didn’t know enough language to read the labels, so I had to rely on my sense of taste and smell). I brushed my teeth with something that was very minty, soft and warm, very surprised that American toothpaste is that much stronger than anything I’ve tried in Russia. However, I didn’t question it – I’ve heard Americans use kick-ass products. My mouth remained very minty for quite a while, and when my fiancé returned home, I expressed my surprise as to the strength of toothpaste he uses. He asked me to show him the tube, and when he saw it, his eyes got huge, he started asking me if I was feeling ok, checking my temperature and pupils. It turned out I had brushed my teeth with… BenGay! Luckily, I wasn’t hurt in any way. But after this occurrence, my fiancé separated all the tubes in the cabinet and instructed me not to touch anything on the right side to be safe.

  But that’s not the end of the story… My mother, who doesn’t speak much English, visited me in the USA a few years later. We stayed with some friends over a weekend (the wife was a Russian who had married an American). One morning my mother walked out of her bathroom saying “Americans sure use strong toothpaste!” – I don’t need to explain what happened, do I?

  And another short story about challenges of pronunciation. When someone is learning a foreign language, it is easy to confuse some words, especially if they are very close in spelling. Remember my excitement about McDonald’s? One day I was busy telling my fiancé and his friends how much I enjoyed McDonald’s buggers (yes, you read it right!). I get very passionate when I talk about something exciting, so it took me a few minutes to notice smiles and friendly laughter as I spoke of buggers instead of burgers.

  CHAPTER 7: HOW TO…

  Feeling shy? Start dating hot girls

  Having coached hundreds of people, I see the same pattern over and over again – the biggest issue most men have in approaching women is… shyness. Many of us, including me, deal with the same issue. As a professional matchmaker and an expert in introducing, inspiring, and coaching people, I feel rather comfortable speaking in front of groups of people about my work – I feel comfortable even speaking on camera. But when it comes to my personal life and personal affairs, oh boy, I get so shy, you w
ouldn’t believe.

  I’ve noticed that the same thing is true for many professionals, regardless of their line of work. Men might speak in front of hundreds of people every day, they might be the center of attention in their circle of friends, but when it comes to starting a conversation with a gorgeous woman about personal things, something happens and they suddenly become shy and not so talkative. It is understandable – you blush, your heart is racing, you are dealing with emotions.

  The reason for this is hidden in our subconscious stereotypes about relationships. We’ve all faced rejection, we’ve all mended broken hearts, so, when it is time to meet a gorgeous woman, it is natural that your subconscious starts telling you that you will be rejected again or that the relationship will never work. But if you really want to marry a beautiful Russian woman, you must stop such thoughts.

  Think back to when you were a child – did you ever think that things were too good, too expensive or too much for you? Certainly, not! You must assume the same attitude again. Stop predicting what might happen, especially if you expect the outcome to be negative.

  You must also learn to deal with rejection. People who have overcome shyness constantly step outside their comfort zone and never take rejection personally. Instead, they quickly draw conclusions and try again. Such people shake off negative aspects of any experience, learn from it, and ignore what others think.

  Remember, the more time you devote to something, the more comfortable you will feel doing it. I am willing to bet that you feel much more confident at your job/business desk than speaking with a gorgeous woman – this is because you are a professional and work in the same field day in and day out, but you haven’t had an opportunity to gain the same experience when it comes to dating (you tried, you faced rejection you feel like you failed, and, therefore, quit until you were able to work up enough courage to try it again).