Reckless Secrets

by Gina Robinson

  "You mean insulting behavior," Zo said.

  Logan laughed. "You want to stay and be my luck?" he said to me.

  No, I want you to pay attention to me, I thought, feeling like I didn't belong in his world and trying hard not to pout or act like a petulant child.

  "Sorry, Logan. I won't let you suck an innocent victim in. I'm going to take Ellie out into the safe zone, away from the smell of sweat and beer and the danger of being caught in the middle of your horseplay." Zo pulled me away. "Believe me, you don't want to play," she whispered in my ear, rolling her eyes. "It gets ugly and silly. It's better to just ignore it and them. Besides, we want to get to know the girl Logan has brought home."

  On the way past the bar, she grabbed an open bottle of white wine and pulled me across the room to the cluster of sofas and chairs in front of the TV, which was playing a classic Christmas movie. She sat me down next to her on the sofa while Lacie stared openly at me and passed the bottle of wine around so Kelsie and Zo could refill their glasses.

  Finally, I made a point of looking around. "What? Do I have a spot on my dress or something?"

  Zo laughed. "Oops! We're too obvious. Sorry, Ellie. We're just trying to figure you out."

  "I'm not that complicated," I said.

  "Don't be so modest. Just being here with Logan makes you completely complicated and totally fascinating," Zo said.

  "Really? Why?" I refused to be intimidated by these girls.

  Lacie shrugged. "Because you're not his usual type."

  I'd never thought about Logan having a type. And I guess I just assumed that if he had one, I was it. "What is his type?" I laughed like I didn't care what about the answer.

  Zo nodded toward Kelsie.

  I froze.

  "Ignore her," Kelsie said, but the look in her eyes was hopeful. "We're just friends." She didn't sound completely thrilled.

  "Now," Lacie said. "But you two were practically living together your sophomore year."

  My mouth went dry. Logan had said Kelsie hadn't meant anything to him. He'd made it sound like they had just been friends.

  "We were both going through some crazy crap," Kelsie said. "It was just a comfort thing for both of us." It was clear she didn't want to talk about it. "We're over it. We weren't really a thing." But she sounded a little wistful.

  Maybe the other girls didn't know her story. I took pity on her and tried to redirect the conversation, for my own sake as well as hers. I refused to show weakness. "We all have exes. Logan isn't exactly my type either."

  That piqued their curiosity. Three faces lit up, disbelieving. How could Logan not be someone's type?

  "What is your type?"

  I thought about it a second. "Lying, cheating douchebags."

  That broke the ice. The other three girls laughed.

  "Join the club," Zo said. "You're saying Logan isn't a douchebag?"

  "You've all known him all your lives—you tell me."

  Zo's eyes went wide with respect and surprise. But seriously, I was devious. I wanted to see the side of Logan he wouldn't tell me about.

  "Are you serious?" Lacie stared at me.

  I shrugged. "Sure. Warn me off now while I still have time to run."

  Zo cocked one eyebrow and turned to Lacie. "She's right. We can dish her the dirt and then it's up to her. We have known him all our lives."

  Lacie nodded her agreement. "Very smart, really. We should totally all have sources on any potential new boyfriend."

  Whoops erupted from the pool table. Lacie looked in that direction and rolled her eyes. She turned back to me. "Well, where to start?"

  "The beginning's always good," I said.

  Lacie nodded. "Okay, fair enough. Unlike Caleb, who's always been a player, Logan used to be totally sweet, a serial monogamist in high school and before. All the girls wanted him. But he stayed true to his girlfriend of the moment."

  "Very sad for the rest of us," Zo said. "Until after his freshman year in college. That baseball injury changed him." She grinned wickedly. "He fulfilled all of us that summer." She laughed. "You sure you want to hear this?"

  "I asked, didn't I?" I said, thinking, no I really didn't. But I had to know.

  Zo shrugged. "I slept with him at that big party Collin threw on the Fourth of July."

  "Yes, you rotten bitch. You beat me to him." Lacie laughed now. "I didn't get my chance until August, practically the very last second before he went back to school. He took me to SeaFair. I'll never forget what we did after the hydro races. Best SeaFair ever for me."

  I felt sicker by the minute. It seemed like I was the only girl in the room who hadn't actually slept with him. But I kept my smile, acting like it didn't bother me.

  "But that's all way before he met you," Zo said to me. "We've all known guys who can be completely faithful once they find a girl who really turns them on. He hasn't touched any of us since. And he seems completely devoted to you."

  Lacie nodded.

  Kelsie frowned as she stared at the doorway. Zo followed her line of sight.

  "What?" I said, and turned. Seeing who they were looking at my mouth went dry. Amber had arrived carrying two open longneck beers.

  "I thought she wanted Caleb, especially after he went pro," Kelsie said softly.

  Zo nodded. "She's always been a cougar with an eye for Logan."

  I felt sicker and sicker as across the room from us Amber walked to the pool table and handed Logan a beer while he leaned against the wall, waiting his turn to shoot. They clinked bottlenecks like they were toasting something. She put her hand on Logan's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. He nodded. She laughed and squeezed his shoulder.

  Caleb yelled to him. "It's your turn, big brother."

  Laughing, Amber blew on Logan's pool cue and leaned against the table, watching him as he took his shot. The guys around the table erupted in groans, which I took to mean Logan had made a good shot.

  "We're no threat to you," Zo said. "We were just hooking up with him. Having a little fun. Not that Logan isn't a catch, but you know." She paused and it was clear neither she nor the other girls liked Amber. "But I'd watch out for her. She's different. She wants him."

  I felt pale. "Have she and Logan…?"

  Zo nodded, looking like she was pained.

  "You know for sure?" I had a hard time keeping my voice from shaking.

  Zo gave me a sympathetic look. "I walked in on them here in this very house going at it during Sue's New Year's Eve party last year."

  Lacie put her arm around my shoulder. "Don't let Amber upset you. Just keep an eye on her. We're on your side."

  I had my phone with me in a tiny wristlet purse. It was sitting in my lap. The phone buzzed. I pulled it from the bag. Jason was calling. This must be important. I swallowed hard, but my mouth was dry.

  "Excuse me," I said, getting to my feet. "I have to take this." Then I dashed out of the room, making a point not to look at Logan.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I caught the call just in time, making it to the guestroom and locking myself in. "Jason." I was breathless and my heart was pounding.

  "Happy Thanksgiving, Ellie." He sounded upset.

  Not good. So not good. "You too," I said. "Is that all you called to say?"

  "No. Is Logan with you?"

  "I'm alone," I said as my sense of dread grew stronger. "Did you tell her?"

  Jason hesitated. "There's been a complication."

  My mind froze. What kind of complication could there possibly be? "What?"

  He sighed heavily into the phone. "I don't know how to tell you this, Ellie. I'm still stunned myself. I was going to tell Lyssa this evening after everyone left. But this morning she stunned me with an announcement—she's pregnant again. You're going to have another half-sib."

  I couldn't speak.

  "I couldn't tell her after that, Ellie, though believe me—I wanted to. I have to give her a few days of happiness and being in the spotlight. I couldn't take the spotlight off
this new baby so soon."

  "No, I know," I said automatically. "Congratulations."

  "Yeah," he said. "Mia's only six months old. This wasn't planned. I'm still processing it." He tried to laugh. "When it rains, it pours." He really did sound stunned.

  "Yeah," I said. "I know." And I did.

  "We'll work it out. Nothing's changed. It's just delayed by a few days. That's all."

  "Yeah."

  "I can't talk. I have to go, Ellie. Just thought you should know."

  "Yeah. Thanks." I hung up and sat there staring at the phone in my hands. It was all too much. Just way too much. I didn't feel up to going back to the party. I couldn't watch Amber flirt with Logan. I couldn't leave. I didn't know what to do.

  I don't know how long I sat there. In my dazed state I lost track of time.

  There was a knock on the door. "El? Are you in there?"

  "Go away," I told Logan.

  "I'm not going away. What's wrong?"

  I didn't answer. What could he do? I was safely locked in.

  I heard his footsteps retreating and wiped a tear away. Minutes later, the push-in lock to the door popped up, the door swung open, and Logan let himself in.

  My mouth fell open. "How did you?"

  "I know where the key is." He held it up and closed the door behind him, locking it again.

  I should have gotten up. Locked myself in the bathroom. But what was the point? He had the damned universal key. He sat down next to me and tried to put his arms around me.

  I scooted away from him.

  He backed off. "Zo said you got a call and left. What's up? Who was it? What's gotten you upset?"

  My heart pounded. I couldn't tell him. Not now. So I did what I always did—I deflected the attention away from what I'd done. In this case, it wasn't hard to do at all.

  "No one. Nothing. That was just an excuse to get away." I stared at him.

  "What, El?"

  "Am I the only girl here you haven't slept with?"

  He gave me a half-smile. "It's not for lack of wanting to on my part." His voice cracked with emotion and desire. "We could remedy that any time." He reached for me.

  I glared at him, warning him to back off. "Stop kidding. I'm serious."

  He stared straight back at me. "So am I."

  I ignored what he said. "You could have warned me. But you just let me walk in blind and stumble into a party full of your conquests." I held back a sob. I would not cry in front of him.

  He swallowed hard and spoke quietly. "That's all in the past. I never lied to you. I told you I went through a rough patch where I was out of control and slept with a lot of girls."

  I took a deep breath and stared at him. "A lot of girls. Not these girls. Your friends. Girls you see all the time."

  He looked momentarily stricken. "This sounds bad, but none of them meant anything to me." A look of anger flashed across his face. "They shouldn't have told you. They're just causing trouble."

  I shook my head. "You let me believe that you and Kelsie are just friends. Then I find out you two had a thing and practically lived together.

  "You still didn't answer my question—if you knew she'd be here, why didn't you warn me?"

  "Kels and her family rarely come. I didn't even know Mom still invited them. I was as surprised as you are she's here." His eyes begged me to understand.

  His mom was behind that, too.

  "I wasn't lying when I said she didn't mean anything to me. I don't expect you to understand, but after what Dr. Rogers did, I felt emasculated. Like I had to be in control again. And prove that I was a real man."

  He sounded so broken, I couldn't push him any further. I had no idea what it was like to go through what he had. I would be the world's biggest bitch if I condemned him for it. But there was still Amber.

  "Fair enough," I said.

  He reached for my hand and held it tightly, lightly running his thumb over mine when I didn't pull away. "I love you, El. You have to believe me. You're special. You're more to me than just sex. That's why I wait."

  The way he spoke made me ache inside. It was so heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I was almost distracted. Almost. I could have let things drop. Maybe I should have, but there was one more thing I needed to know. I looked him square in the eye. "What's going on between you and Amber? And don't you dare lie to me."

  Logan stared at me for a long moment.

  "I know you slept with her, too," I said.

  "Yes."

  "Is there still something there?"

  He squeezed my hand, holding on so I couldn't pull away. "How can you even ask?"

  "I have eyes. I see the way she looks at you. She wants you, Logan. And I don't like it. But there's something else going on. You two were simply too happy to see each other today, like you have some kind of inside joke going on. After living with my mom, I'm an expert at sniffing out relationship lies. Tell me the truth. If you lie I'll know and I'll walk right out of here and not look back." I was only partially bluffing.

  Logan paled, but he kept his composure. "We're involved in a business deal. But you can't tell anyone else."

  I stared at him, waiting for him to explain.

  "Amber is an investment broker. She came to me, asking my advice on some technical matters in a company she was going to invest in, and presented me with an investment opportunity I couldn't turn down. I had some money my grandfather left me that wasn't tied up in my trust fund so I used that."

  My heart hammered in my chest. "When?"

  "Last summer. Before I met you. We just got good news today. We're one step closer to seeing our investment pay off. Don't you understand, El? When it does, I can tell Dad to go to hell."

  I didn't want to know how much money he'd risked. "Get out of it."

  "I can't. I'm in too deep and we're too close to the payoff."

  I kept staring at him. "I don't like it."

  "Amber won't come between us. I won't let her."

  "Maybe not," I said, though I wasn't convinced. "But this obsession with proving yourself to your dad will. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to win his good opinion. You don't have to compete with Caleb. Harlan loves you. Both of you."

  I'd said the wrong thing. Logan made narrow eyes at me and let go of my hand, looking at me like I was a traitor. "You don't know that. You don't know shit."

  Right then I knew I could never convince him not to testify. I could never take Harlan's side, no matter how right it might be, on anything. "You're right," I said. "I don't know the whole story. I'm not in your shoes."

  He looked only slightly relieved and less angry at me. Our families really were our hot buttons. Something dawned on me. "When you met Amber in the coffee shop, that was intentional. You were conducting business. You lied about that."

  He didn't answer.

  "And weekends, when you claimed you had too much homework and couldn't study with me—what was that? Web telecons? Video conferencing?"

  He sighed and I knew I'd hit on the truth.

  I knotted my hands in my lap. "This isn't going to work if we keep secrets from each other." But even as I spoke I knew what a hypocrite I was. I wondered again how I'd ever be able to tell him the truth about Jason being my dad without blowing us apart. I thought about telling him right then. But things were just too raw between us.

  I put my hand on his thigh. "I'm sorry. Truce?"

  He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes as he covered my hand with his. "I'm sorry, too." He brushed my lips with a kiss and laced his fingers in mine. "We'd better get back to the party before Mom comes looking for us." He rolled his eyes comically.

  I couldn't help smiling. "Sure. Is the tourney over?" I touched his eye. "You don't have a black eye yet?"

  He grinned. "Zave and Collin know better than to get that wild here. Mom will kill them if they damage her pool table or her walls."

  "Well then, let's go back so you can show them how it's done."

  He pulled me to my feet.

&
nbsp; "This time I insist on blowing on your cue for luck," I said as we walked to the door hand in hand.

  "Sorry about that, too," Logan said. Then he grabbed me behind the head and pulled me into a kiss so passionate I forgave him.

  The rest of the weekend was a blur of parties and shopping and date stuff. Logan took me to downtown Seattle. We rode the Wheel, the big Ferris wheel on the waterfront. He bought me flowers at the market. Neither of us talked about Thanksgiving or anything of real consequence. It was like we were avoiding all the major issues. We just enjoyed the time off and made jokes about his mom interrupting whenever we got a minute alone. All too soon, we were back at school and into the heat and stress of the last few weeks before finals.

  Tay, Nic, Bre, and almost every girl in the dorm came back from break with an assortment of new sweaters and clothes bought at Black Friday specials. Tay was particularly happy—her heart-shaped grilled cheese dining-hall guy had been texting her over break and they were going out on Friday. Bre had had a minor fight with her boyfriend Dan, a misunderstanding over break that she complained about nonstop until they made up Monday night.

  My wonderful mom got back from her cruise and decided she needed to text and email me day and night. I deleted them all without responding.

  Tuesday morning I met Jason for coffee. He reassured me he would tell Lyssa about us. Soon. He asked casually about my long weekend with Logan's family. I told him I knew about Logan's suicide attempt. And the other girls.

  Jason winced and nodded sympathetically. "Logan's impulsive, Ellie. I worry about him. He has to learn to restrain his urges and think before he acts."

  "Maybe I'll be good for him. Sometimes I think too much," I said.

  Jason stared at me. "Never try to change another person. It never works." He sounded resigned, almost sad. "Love them for who they are or leave them. If you can't live with the person they are, walk away."

  I wondered if he was talking specifics. "What? I thought you didn't know how to parent teenagers," I whispered to him. "And now you've suddenly become the fount of fatherly wisdom?"

  He smiled. "Be careful, Ellie."