REGRET - The Price of Truth: Everhide Rockstar Romance Series Book 4

by Tania Joyce

  She puffed out a short breath over her callous laugh. “Umm . . . never. There’s no money in photography. I loved taking photos for Kyle and Gemma’s wedding, but you know I don’t want to do that full-time; I love my weekends too much. I hate sports. I don’t travel. Fashion is too competitive. Freelancing is unreliable. I’ve submitted my portfolio to nearly every goddamn gallery in Manhattan only to be rejected time and time again. I can’t see MOMA wanting me to exhibit my work anytime in the distant future . . . or ever. If I climb my way up the ranks at the magazine, it might get me a foot in the door to some other publication . . . maybe something home or lifestyle oriented.”

  He threw his hands up in the air. “Oh . . . kill me now. I’m all for career changes, but that’s not you. What happened to working for Bazaar, Elle, or Rolling Stone?”

  Ouch. That hurt. Her photography had become a hobby, not a career. “Reality hit. Dreams have to change. I’ll never make a living through photography.”

  “You can. Come to Boston with me. I’ll cover costs until you find a job.”

  “No. I don’t want you looking after me. Not ever.”

  “Why not? We’ll stay with the guys. Once you get work we’ll move into our own place. Start fresh. Be together.”

  “No . . . I don’t want—”

  “Shh . . . I’m sorry.” He closed the gap between them and cupped her face again, his touch toasty warm. “I don’t want to fight.” Regret loomed in his voice. “I have to move, Lex. Music is who I am. It’s gonna hurt like hell not having you around.” He stroked her cheek, pressed his forehead to hers. “I’m gonna miss you like fucking crazy.”

  Did he just reach into her chest and rip out her heart? She couldn’t draw breath. “You can’t leave. You promised we’d be friends forever.”

  “We will be. We’ll still see each other. You can come visit and vice versa.”

  She clutched onto his forearms, dug her fingers in hard to steady herself, to stop her knees from shaking. “You’re my best friend. I can’t lose you.”

  “You won’t.” His breath, heavy with alcohol, tickled her face. “Not ever. I can’t make you love me, Lex. If you wanted to take a chance on us, I would’ve begged you to come with me, done long-distance, or given up everything to stay. But you don’t. So it’s time for me to move on.”

  She pressed her palms against his unshaven cheeks and squished them. “I do love you,” she said through clenched teeth, “just not in a relationship way.”

  He smiled a sad smile; crinkles formed at the edges of his eyes. He drew her hands away. “I know. I wanted more.” He let out a long, low sigh. “You’ve blocked yourself from letting people get close for so long you’re blind to what’s right in front of you.”

  She jabbed her finger against his chest. “You shouldn’t be such a fool to put your faith in love.”

  He staggered back a step and wrapped her hand in his. “I have to believe there is someone out there who will love me for me. I thought that was you. We’ve had the best fun together, partying hard, going out and hooking up with different people. But in the last few months, I only saw you.”

  “No . . . that’s crazy talk.” Sirens wailed in her heart like the ambulances zooming past the end of their street. But what if she did have deeper feelings for Hayden? Denied them? No. No. No . . . now she was being loco. “We need each other’s friendship, not love. This crush you have will pass. We’ll laugh this off, put it behind us and go back to being just friends. Go back to normal.”

  He nudged his elbow into hers. “We’re far from normal, Lex.”

  “What are you going to do about your mom?”

  That snuffed out the light in his eyes. “I’m four hours away. If she relapses, I can be here soon enough. You don’t have to worry about her.”

  “Please don’t go.” She clutched the lapels of his coat and gave him a shake. “Just when I was looking forward to the new year, you’ve gone and destroyed everything.”

  He caught her hands, wrapped them around his waist and pulled her into a hug. “No, Lex. It’s time for change. New adventures.” He caressed the back of her head and gave it a soothing rub. “When I’m settled in, you’ll come to my shows, just like we go to Everhide’s. You’ll always have a VIP backstage pass. I promise.”

  She sobbed against his shoulder. No. No. No. She didn’t want passes to his shows. She wanted him here. She didn’t want this to be one of their last hugs. Losing him would break what was left of her heart. “What am I going to do without you?”

  “Don’t be upset.” He rested his head against hers. “I have eight and a half weeks until the move. I don’t want to leave on a bad note. Let’s make the most of the time we have left. Let’s do all the crazy things we’ve promised to do. Lots of first-time fun. Lots of last-time adventures. Lots of good times to be had.”

  She closed her eyes, held him close. “I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t think I have the strength to say goodbye.”

  “You do. I know you do.”

  “No promises.”

  In two months, he’d be gone. Every bone in her body ached. Her heart tried to crawl out of her chest. It crippled her. She’d never contemplated him leaving and now it stared her in the face. What was she going to do without him? They had such a short time to make new memories that would last a lifetime.

  But they could work through their bucket list. She’d send him off with a bang, then . . . she’d have to let him go. Oh crap. She couldn’t breathe. She never wanted to say goodbye. Why did the news of him leaving hurt so goddamn much?

  Chapter 2

  After Thanksgiving dinner, Lexi joined her girlfriends on the balcony at Hunter’s and Kara’s penthouse. The bright city lights of Tribeca and the view south filled the night sky. Curling up on the comfy outdoor sofa next to Gemma, with Kara sitting opposite, Lexi drew a throw rug over her legs and savored the warmth emanating from the nearby gas heater. Her head still spun from Hayden’s confession last night. She still hadn’t processed his move to Boston. The news had hurt even more the second time around when he’d told their friends at dinner.

  Her life had been thrown into turmoil. The ache that had sprouted deep in her chest hadn’t gone away.

  She wanted to kick herself for not seeing the signs that he loved her. They’d always flirted, had fun, and had an uncanny friendship. She couldn’t pinpoint any change in his behavior—no looks of want, no unwarranted touches, no suggestive innuendos . . . well, none more than normal. Now being in the same room as him had turned awkward. All day, she’d felt like she’d walked on eggshells and had to watch what she said and did.

  Nothing was normal anymore. She didn’t want life to change. But it had.

  Gemma sipped her JD and flipped through the folder of proofs for the hundredth time, checking the photos Lexi had taken at Gemma’s and Kyle’s wedding in Belize a month and a half ago. “It’s going to be hard to pick one for the wall. They’re all awesome.”

  “Thanks.” Lexi’s voice deadpanned. Her vision blurred as she stared at the scented candle burning on the coffee table.

  Gemma snapped the folder shut and placed it on the cushioned seat next to her. “Lex, what’s wrong? You’ve been acting weird all night. Is it because Hayden’s leaving?”

  Lexi puffed at a stray curl dangling down her forehead and stared into her wine. Ever since walking home with Hayden last night, her body, mind and soul had seized. No amount of grease could get her cogs turning. Living with Hayden had an expiration date. A date she never wanted to face. She swiveled the stem of her wine glass between her fingertips wishing the night’s chill would penetrate deep into her skin, freeze the pang in her chest and ice over the mess that had been stewing inside her brain for the past twenty hours.

  It was more than him leaving. She was afraid of his feelings for her. Afraid of that weird, never-want-to-let-him-go soft spot she had for him. But she’d never stand in the way of his dreams. Not ever. Love wasn’t worth the risk.

  Gemma p
laced her hand on Lexi’s leg and gave it a gentle nudge. “Something’s got your panties in a knot. Did you and Hayds have a fight?” She jerked her head toward the doors behind them. “He’s probably in there telling Hunter and Kyle about whatever’s bothering you, so out with it.”

  The joys of having tightknit friends. There were no secrets.

  “Just tell us.” Kara grabbed the bottle of wine to refill their glasses. “We’re going to find out, so hurry up. It can’t be that bad.”

  Lexi glanced toward the kitchen. Hayden stood at the counter drying a saucepan. She caught his gaze. Her heart sank, fluttered, raced, faltered. It was like it didn’t know how to beat correctly anymore. Everything between them had altered.

  He smiled at her, but sorrow had replaced the normal vibrance in his eyes. Her stomach knotted and kneaded like pizza dough. If she told the girls what had happened, she’d have to relive last night yet again when all she wanted to do was forget. Forget the walk home from the after-party. Forget his kiss. Forget his whispered words.

  She swallowed the lump in her throat. The pounding in her head grew louder and louder. But she needed her girlfriends to help her through the coming weeks. “It’s worse than bad.” Nausea bubbled up her throat. She closed her eyes, drew in a shaky, shallow breath. “We kissed. In a make-out kinda way.”

  Gemma shot forward, choked and spluttered on a mouthful of JD. It snorted out her nose. Kara froze, her wine glass suspended halfway to her mouth. Both girls’ eyes, wide and white, bulged in the soft light.

  Gemma thumped her fist against her breastbone, coughed and cleared her throat. “You. Did. What?”

  “But-but- but.” Kara’s words snapped as fast as a clicking camera; her fair skin turned even paler. “Lex, I didn’t think you liked him that way.”

  “I don’t. He started it. We were drunk and got carried away.” Lexi’s shoulders slumped like an empty bean bag. How could she have crossed the line? “But it gets worse.” Her grip on her glass tightened so much she was afraid it might shatter. Her heart ached with every single beat. “He said he loved me.”

  “Holy shit.” Kara’s hand shot over her heart. “Hayds loves you? Since when?”

  It was good to see they were as shocked by the news as Lexi had been when those words had slipped from his mouth.

  “He said things had changed over the past couple months. He wants me to be his girlfriend.”

  “So, are you together now?” Excitement lilted Gemma’s voice.

  Lexi couldn’t shake her head fast enough. “No.”

  Gemma twisted toward Lexi and propped her elbow on the back of the sofa. She rested her head against her hand. The shock had not left her face. “Is that what’s troubling you? You do have feelings for Hayds but you shut him down?”

  “No. I don’t.” Ignoring the pang deep in her chest, Lexi wriggled and squirmed. She couldn’t have deeper sentiments for him. That would lead to another whole smorgasbord of problems.

  “Are you sure about that?” Kara tucked her model-length legs beneath her; worry darkened her deep blue eyes.

  The niggle at the base of Lexi’s neck twisted tighter and tighter. “Yes. Don’t be stupid. You know me better than that. I don’t want a boyfriend. Been there, done that. I’m twenty-five, in the prime of my life. I love my hook-ups and being single. I’m not going to screw up my friendship with Hayden.” She’d sworn never to fall for anyone again, especially a musician. Her relationship with Quintin had died a slow, painful death when he’d left to work on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. Long-distance destroyed their love. The heartbreak had scarred her soul for life. “Kissing Hayds was a mistake, some drunken foolery. I can get over that. But not the whole I-love-you-and-I’m-leaving-you thing. We had a deal. No love. Never leave each other. Now he’s done both.”

  Gemma patted and rubbed Lexi’s leg. “I’m sorry, Lex. I always thought you and Hayds would end up together.”

  “What? No.” Lexi tugged the sleeves of her sweater over the ends of her hands and crossed her arms. “Music is his number-one priority—always will be. No girlfriend of his has lasted because of it. We’re just good friends who have a great time together.”

  As she poured another JD, smugness quirked across Gemma’s mouth. “Yeah—but just friends don’t make out. Take it from me. One kiss can change everything.”

  Lexi pinched the bridge of her nose. “It won’t.” She didn’t want to unpack what had happened between her and Hayden further. Not now. Not ever. She needed to lock it away and shove it into the back of her mind like a jar of old spices in the pantry. “I want to forget what he said. Forget what happened.”

  She had to deliver two months of fun and good times before he moved, and ensure their friendship stayed intact.

  But would spending more time together make things worse?

  She didn’t want him to fall more in love with her. Didn’t want to totally break his heart or be cruel.

  She put her glass down and buried her palms into her eyes. She rubbed them hard, wishing it would erase the vision of him kissing her that had etched permanently into her brain. They could never be more than friends. She wasn’t like Gemma, who’d found love with her best friend and fellow bandmate, Kyle. She wasn’t like Kara, who’d found love with Hunter after they’d shared a traumatic experience. Her girlfriends had found happiness. But happiness didn’t last. It ended in broken hearts. One day they’d come pounding on her door and she’d be their shoulder to cry on.

  Gemma swirled the JD around in her glass, stared at the amber liquid. “I can’t believe he’s moving. I’ll miss jamming with him.”

  Fighting the sting in her eyes, Lexi sniffled and rubbed the tip of her nose. “He asked me to go with him. But I said no. I can’t. I have my career. I have to check on Mom.”

  Gemma peered at Lexi over the rim of her glass. “You totally rejected him, didn’t you? But Lex, are you being honest with yourself? Hayds has always been there for you. You two are inseparable. On top of everything else, he’s freaking hot. Are you sure there is nothing between you?”

  Lexi feigned a laugh; it overruled the tremor in her heart. “I’m not blind. I know he’s attractive.” She’d taken more than a million photographs of him. A picture, especially the black and white ones she loved taking, never lied. That smoldering shimmer in his eyes when he looked down the lens at her now took on a different meaning. Damn it. She’d thought he was just photogenic. A beautiful soul. Her friend. If he was stupid enough to have deeper feelings for her, it was his problem. He just had to get over them. “Hayds is the best roommate, awesome to hang out with, and has helped me through some rough spots. But I can’t change the way I feel. I’ve known him for too long.”

  If she wanted a relationship, she needed more than looks and laughter. Security, stability and someone who put her first occasionally, before their music or whatever career they had, would be at the top of her list. Hayden drummed his way from his part-time job at an indie recording studio to local gig after local gig. When it came to the things that mattered, he was as unstable as corn kernels on a hot plate.

  A devilish glint flared in Gemma’s eyes. “Is he still a great kisser? Did he cop a feel? Did he get you off?”

  Lexi grabbed a cushion and threw it at Gemma. “You’re not helping. You can trip down Memory Lane, but I don’t ever want to think about kissing him again.” Not his lips, or his tongue, or his hands. Nope. Nope. Nope.

  But the pent-up tension left between her legs after their make-out session had not subsided. It had coiled so tight she was like a pressure cooker about to explode. No attempt at self-preservation had relieved the symptoms. It had only made things worse. Because when she’d finally got to bed last night, every time she’d tried picturing Liam Hemsworth, Hayden had popped into her head. It was like being doused in a bucket of ice, bringing her frustrating efforts to masturbate to an abrupt end.

  She grabbed her wine and took a sip, swirled the rich red around in her mouth and swallowed hard. “To answ
er your question, no, I didn’t get off. Haven’t been able to either. Being around him has turned awkward. There’s this tension in the air. Every time I look at him, I know he’s disappointed and hurt. I feel bad. I tried to avoid him today, but it was near impossible with him rehearsing at home. I want to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves, but I can’t think straight around him.” When he was near, all she wanted to do was run. Hide. His very presence made her breath hitch, her pulse jump, and her heart pound like she’d run a marathon. Heat even flushed her cheeks. Her body was not listening to her brain. It had to stop. “I’d love a few days away from him to put the kiss behind us, process he’s leaving and come up with a game plan.”

  “Just don’t shut him out.” Gemma shook her head slowly. “He won’t handle that.”

  “I won’t.” No, she could never do that. They’d been through too much. But a few days apart wouldn’t hurt.

  Kara sat two inches taller, flicked her long golden-brown ponytail over her shoulder. “I have the perfect solution. Come with us to LA.” Her gaze jumped to Gemma. “Can she, boss?”

  “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.” Lexi held up her palm. “I had a week off last month for the wedding. A long weekend before that for Gem’s bachelorette party in Vegas. I can’t afford more time away from work. I’m not irreplaceable.”

  She didn’t want to upset her boss. Didn’t need to be next on the chopping block.

  But some time away from Hayden would be nice. Petty, but nice.

  For the next few weeks, Gemma and the guys would be flitting across the country to attend and perform at music awards, Christmas shows and gala events. Kara, their stylist and part of their entourage, would be traveling with them. A twang of jealously twisted deep inside Lexi’s chest. She’d love to travel, but she could never be away from home for too long. She needed to check on her mom who was notorious for forgetting her meds. There was no one else around to help. Aunt Nora was useless. Lexi’s two brothers were deployed in the army. The responsibility to look after her mom had fallen onto Lexi.