by Tania Joyce
Why was the house so dark?
In the living room, she pulled off her gloves and scarf. Every curtain was shut; the fire had gone out. The house was freaking frigid. She flicked on the light.
Shit.
There was her mom, pale and frail, sitting in her sofa chair, staring out the tiny slit between the curtains. Was she staring at the boats bopping on the unsettled, gray ocean or was she lost in her own dark thoughts again?
Lexi rushed to her side. Squatting in front of her mom, she clutched her mother’s bony hand, her skin rough, leathery and cold. “Mom? What are you doing?”
“Oh. Lexi.” Her mom sat straighter, pulled her yellow cardigan across her chest. “What time is it?”
She looked at her mother’s worn face. Sunken cheek bones, lackluster little eyes, skin aged beyond her sixty years. “It’s just on noon. You take your meds today?”
“Noon? Oh my.” She fidgeted with her green-beaded necklace. “Yes, yes, I took my medicine.”
Jury was still out on that one. Lexi rose and headed for the dining table where she’d left her mom’s medication in a slotted pill box, marked with days and times. She opened the lid and her heart hit the floor. Shit. Her mom hadn’t taken any pills for three days.
“Mom, you haven’t. They’re all here.” She should’ve come and checked on her mom on Friday instead of hanging out with her friends, having fun at their rehearsal. She rushed into the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water and took the pills over to her. “Here. Quick. Take these.”
“Oh, I don’t need them.” She flicked her hand at Lexi. “I’m feeling fine.”
“Let’s not have this discussion again, Mom.” Fighting the sting in her eyes, Lexi waved the pills and water in front of her mother. “The meds help you to feel better. You can’t stop taking them.” She dropped the pills into her mother’s hand. “Hurry up. Take them. We have a party to get ready for.”
Her mother mumbled something incomprehensible, took the glass and swallowed the pills. After placing the glass on the table beside her, she folded her arms and gazed out the window. “I don’t want a party. I don’t want to turn sixty.”
Lexi opened the curtains to let in the soft winter sunlight. The house instantly grew warmer. “Well tough, because today is your birthday, and everyone will be here soon. I’ve got the food in my car. So get up, go shower, get dressed. I’ll light the fire and bring in the catering.”
Her mother didn’t move. She twisted her necklace around her fingers. “Did you hear from Hank and Billy?” Her voice, soft and meek, quivered. “Are they coming?”
No, her brothers could not just leave deployment in Afghanistan, Iraq or wherever the hell they were to come to a party. “No, Mom. They can’t make it. They’ll be home in March. Remember?”
“Oh yes, yes, that’s right.” Her mother glanced up at Lexi by the window. “What about Phillip? Is he going to drop by?”
Lexi jammed her hands on her hips. Her dad hadn’t visited her mom’s house in years—not since he attended Lexi’s twenty-first. “No, Mom. Dad won’t be here either.” He was gallivanting around the country somewhere with Tina, his fiancée. His latest Facebook post came from Buffalo.
Her mother’s gaze sharpened, and she leaned closer, catching Lexi’s hand. “Have you been crying? Hope it’s not over some boy. Is everything all right?”
No, everything wasn’t all right. Everything was shit. Dealing with Hayden and walking into her mom’s house, seeing her like this . . . Nothing was right. But she couldn’t say anything or her mom would get upset.
She reefed her hand free and headed toward the fireplace. Falling to her knees, she stacked sticks and logs into the grate and struck a match. She warmed her hands against the growing blaze. “I’m okay, Mom. Just tired after working in D.C. last night and excited to celebrate your big day. They’re happy tears.” Only four hours sleep wasn’t helping either.
Her mom pointed her finger at Lexi. “You don’t look happy. Did something happen at the show? Where’s Hayden? I thought he was coming with you.”
“No, he stayed with Everhide.” She sat back on her haunches. “Oh Mom, you should’ve seen him last night.” Just mentioning him, thinking about him, caused her heart to swell. Then sink. Then swell again. “He nailed it. I’ve never seen him play like that before. He was absolutely amazing.” As she fought back her smile, warmth coiled up her spine, pooled at the base of her neck. His performance had been incredible . . . in and out of bed. Tick, in favor of being with him.
Could she tally her ticks? Maybe the only way to decide about being with him was to weigh up the basic pros and cons, and not overanalyze the depth of her true feelings like she’d been trying to do. Would that work?
“Did something happen between the two of you?” Her mom’s voice hardened, held a cold edge.
“No. Why?” Could she get away with lying to her mother?
Her mom shook her head slowly. “I’ve told you a thousand times, don’t you go messing with him. Don’t go falling for a guy like that. He’s a musician. Music is his life.”
“I know.” Her mom was right. She’d never come first. That was a cross against him.
Her mom waggled her finger. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Hayden’s a sweet guy, a good friend. But he’s like your father. He’s a free spirit, likes his women. He’ll disappear the moment something brighter and shinier comes along.”
Her mom’s words speared her heart. Hayden wasn’t like that. He’d always committed to his girlfriends in the past; they’d been the ones who called it off. He’d never strayed from his music; he was always truly dedicated. Hmm. She liked that about him. Tick in his favor.
“Mom, I have no interest in finding a boyfriend. I never want to get married. I love being single.” Her belly button collided with her gut. Maybe one day she did want those things.
Sadness swallowed her mother’s eyes. “Good. You’re too young to worry about that nonsense. Don’t go chasing after some guy, fall pregnant and ruin your career like I did.”
There it was. The nail in the coffin. The dig at her being a mistake. Always the highlight in most of their conversations. Lexi grabbed another log, jammed it into the grate and prodded the fire before she let it burn. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“You’ll thank me one day. You look after yourself and your future.”
“Yes, Mom.” Got that message. Loud and clear.
Her parent’s’ constant battle over money had always been a central theme in their arguments. Her dad had wanted her mom to go back to her job in marketing, but she’d blamed falling pregnant at thirty-five, having Lexi eight years after her youngest brother, Billy, and taking more time off work as the reasons she’d ruined her career. Youthful, more qualified people had snapped up all the good positions. Dad had kept pressuring her to find something, anything, but she’d given up. So had he. It had fed their bitterness and resentment. Caused them to fall apart.
Didn’t help that her mom’s condition had worsened every year. While Lexi’s dad had always wanted more out of life; her mom had no such drive.
That was another thing Lexi had in common with Hayden. They were both motivated. Both wanted more, and both were hungry for success. Tick in his favor.
Shit. The scales were tipping in his favor. Was it this easy?
Careers that pulled them apart. A cross against him.
Nope. Not Easy.
“Lexi, dear? What’s troubling you? You’re not your happy self today.”
Happy? She didn’t know what that was anymore. She’d been happy until Hayden had kissed her and told her he was leaving. Cross against him. She stood and moved over to sit on the floral velvety sofa adjacent to her mom and buried her face into her hands to wipe the sting from her eyes. The marrow in her bones ached. “Hayden moves in three weeks.”
A deep “hmm” rumbled in her mother’s throat. “So what’s the problem?”
Lexi sniffled and stared at the ceiling.
“Oh, sh
it.” Her mother’s hands fell into her lap. “You stupid girl. You’re in love him, aren’t you?”
“No. No I’m not. I’m just going to miss him.” It wasn’t love. She was sure it wasn’t love. But she did like him a lot.
“Did you expect to stay roommates forever? Don’t be silly. It’s time you two moved on. You’re better off without him.”
Lexi let out a slow breath. It would be best to let him go. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Making a quick, clean break sounded simple. But life without Hayden seemed dull and void. She rubbed her temple. Her head hurt from too much thinking. “Come on, we have a party to organize. Let’s get ready.”
Lexi helped her mom to her feet and sent her off to her bedroom to change. Maybe she needed to slip one of her mom’s pills to relieve her anxiety. No, don’t go there. I’m not like Mom.
She headed out to her car and unloaded the foil trays of baked vegetables, warm salads, roast meats and dessert treats, and placed them inside on the kitchen counter. As she put the last one down, she looked out over the snow-covered garden. Avery, her mom’s best friend from next door, came through the gate juggling two plates of food. “Yoo-hoo. Celina.”
Trudging through the couple of inches of snow, Hayden rushed to assist her.
What? Lexi’s heart slipped into panic mode. What the fuck was he doing here? How did he get here? He grabbed the dishes off Avery and headed toward the back door.
Fuck! Lexi’s pulse ringing in her ears was as loud as clanging pot lids. She wasn’t ready to see him. Not yet. No. No. No. Before they passed the kitchen window, Lexi ducked beneath the counter, slammed her back against the cabinet.
Her mother came into the room and peered down at her on the floor. “Lexi, what are you doing?”
Lexi crawled across the tiles to the kitchen island. “Shh. I’m hiding.”
“Who from?”
“Hayden.”
“Oh. I thought you said he wasn’t coming.”
Heat rushed up the side of Lexi’s neck, burned her cheeks, singed her heart. “I can’t see him. Not now.”
“Why not?”
Because I fucked him last night. Why do you think? Things between them had been weird before, but now they were off the charts. Her blood pressure spiked even higher when the door banged open and footsteps headed her way.
“Happy birthday, Cel.” Avery hugged Lexi’s mom.
“Hey, Celina.” Hayden’s deep voice filled the room. “Happy birthday.”
“Thank you, dear.” Her mother sighed. “I’m feeling old as the hills in this cold weather.”
Lexi rolled her eyes as she curled into a ball behind the island, doing her best to avoid being seen. Her mother was so overdramatic. Says me, cowering behind the cabinet.
“Lexi here?” he asked. The ceramic plates of food slid across the countertop. “Her car’s out front.”
Her mom kicked her foot. “Yes. She is. She’s right here on the floor.”
Fuck. Thanks, Mom. Not.
Lexi sprang to her feet, her heart thudding against her ribs. “Hi.” She wiped her clammy palms on her dress. “What are you doing here?”
“We got back early.” Hayden thumbed toward the front door. “Kyle loaned me his car. I went and saw Mom, then came here.” Concern rippled through his eyes like a pond’s surface disturbed by a dropped pebble. “What were you doing on the floor?”
“Um . . . Mom dropped an earring.”
Hayden glanced at her mom. Two dangling red earrings hung from her lobes. “Ooookaaaay. Did you find it?”
“No.” She lifted her chin. “I’ll look for it later.”
He took a step toward her, lowered his voice. “Can we talk? Please?”
“Um.” Lexi glanced back toward the food trays sprawled across the kitchen counters. “I’ve got to help Mom first.”
“Don’t be silly.” Her mom swatted the air. “Avery and I will get everything ready.”
Hmm, her pills must have kicked in. She was way too cheerful.
“Mom, I said I’d help.” Lexi reached for a tray to put in the oven but her mom grabbed her on the shoulders and lowered her voice. “I don’t know what’s happened between you two; I can only guess. Go. Talk. Don’t make any more foolish mistakes.”
Thanks for the pep talk, Mom.
Hayden eyed the tiny living room, then turned back to her. “Please?”
“Am I going to get out of it?” Lexi winced, feeling his anguish, the need to discuss last night.
“Nope.”
“Fine.” She charged over to the sideboard, grabbed the stereo remote and turned the music on so her mom couldn’t eavesdrop.
Taking Hayden by the hand, she dragged him down the hallway into her mom’s pottery room and shut the door behind them. The smells of damp earth, gloss paint and turpentine filled the air. Old cloth sheets lined the wooden floor, used paintbrushes stood in bottles of cleaning solution on top of a worktable, and blocks of clay sat on Lexi’s shelves where she used to have hundreds of books.
She headed toward the table by the window, where her mom’s latest creations of vases and bowls sat on display. Clay crumbled underfoot. Her hand shot over her mouth. All the cups and saucers her mom had sent photos of two weeks ago were smashed to smithereens on the floor. No doubt the result of another one of her mom’s downs. She went to grab the broom from behind the pottery wheel, but Hayden caught her arm.
“Lex, stop. We need to talk.” He pulled off his scarf and coat and tossed them on the chair by the door.
“Why? You wouldn’t talk to me after our kiss at the ice rink.” She gritted her teeth, pulling herself up on her sarcasm. She didn’t want to be snarky. They needed to move forward. If he still wanted her—which was no doubt why he was here—she needed to make her choice. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. We always talk. About everything. Can we not not talk?”
He closed his eyes and nodded. “I was afraid you’d say our kiss was another mistake. I didn’t want to hear that before the show.”
Her heart lurched like a shunting train. She used to be able to read him, know what he was thinking, but she’d pushed him away one too many times. “Well, you should’ve.” She added a pinch of sauciness into her tone. “We might’ve ended up in bed sooner.”
“Really?” His voice cracked like a teenage boy’s. “Damn.” He rubbed the back of his neck, ruffled his fingers through his messed-up hair. “Read that wrong, didn’t I?” He took a step closer, caught her hand and lowered his voice. “About last night. I hated you running off without saying goodbye.”
“I had to get here.” She retreated a couple feet, needing some distance. Why was being in the same room with him so awkward again? So hot? She fanned her face and tugged on the neckline of her knit dress. Her body temperature had jumped; she felt like she was wearing thermals in the middle of summer.
“I could’ve come with you.” He narrowed the gap between them.
“I’m sorry. You said you wanted to stay with the band.” She went to dart past him again, but he spun her around to face him.
“Lex . . . did being together change anything? Mean anything?” His stormy eyes searched her face as if looking for answers, but her brain was still a scrambled mess. “Or are you going to say it was another mistake?”
She lowered her chin. The rims of her eyes stung like acid. “Of course it meant something. It was amazing.”
“But?”
“What do you want from me, Hayden? If it’s for me to throw myself at you, say I love you, and race off to Boston with you, it’s not going to happen. I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have. Last night was awesome. But as for the next step . . . I have no idea. I don’t know how to sort out my feelings.”
“Let me help you work them out.” He grabbed her arms, walked her backward over the broken pottery until her ass connected with the wall. He cupped the side of her face. “Be mine. Let’s find out if this is something.”
No. Too close. Breathe
.
“We have too much history.” She ducked underneath his arm and stepped out of his reach. The hot rush from standing close to him still shimmered across her skin. She just needed a second to think clearly.
“That’s why we’d be so good together.” He stormed over to stand in front of her. “Stop running away from me. What’s killing me is that you’re not being honest with yourself.”
She flared her fingers by her face. “Why do you want things to change? We have it great.”
“But we could be so much more.”
“We are everything.”
“You’re so pigheaded. I’m not taking no for an answer. Not this time.” Determination set in his jaw. He grabbed and clasped her hands against his chest. His heart thudded hard and raw beneath her fingertips as his gaze bore into hers. “Let’s make a deal.”
“A deal?” She jerked her chin back. She tried to tug her hand free, but he held it tight.
A small smile played across his lips. “We have three weeks. Give me the chance to convince you we belong together and that you do have deeper feelings for me. If I can’t, I leave. No strings attached. We go back to being friends. If this evolves into something, great. Sometime down the track, you move with me to Boston.”
She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, her curls flicking her face. “I can’t move.” A lone tear escaped and caught her cheek as she pulled her hand free and waved her hand toward the door. “I walked in here today and found Mom sitting in the dark. She hasn’t taken her meds for days. Mom needs—”
“Shh.” He placed his finger over her mouth. “Shit.” Anguish swung in his voice, swirled in his eyes. “I’m sorry you found her like that. I should’ve come with you.” He hung his head for a quick second before he lifted his chin and met her gaze. “We’ll find a way to help your mom. Stop using her as an excuse. Stop denying yourself happiness. I hate seeing you like this.” He wiped her tear away with the tip of his finger, tucked her hair behind her ear.