Big Bad

by Lillian Jacobs

  “Try that with me and you may be surprised.”

  “You will fail as your friends have. Yes, the Luparii has been here before. They are all gone now, I'm afraid.”

  “You’re pathetic,” Red said, struggling to break free from the wolves holding her.

  Fen barked at them and they dragged her to his private chambers. As they were about to leave, they growled at him, angered that he had the female to himself. He turned and stared at them in the eyes and they backed down.

  “I’m not impressed, by the way,” Red said, crossing her arms. “And you can’t make me go in there.”

  “I would not force you to. But will you come with me of your own will? Will you be my guest, so that I may show you that I am not what you think I am. That I have changed. I want to show you – so that you can try to forgive me. I understand that what I have done is most likely unforgiveable – the worst evil that you can imagine. But allow me to try, as I have never been able to forgive myself for the things that I have done to you. Please, come with me. I ask you for your permission. You must come of your own free will.”

  Red was silent, afraid to think and afraid to act. Her thoughts were now completely exposed.

  “I don’t mean to scare you,” he said, calmly. “I know that you are probably already very frightened.”

  Red examined him as she considered his offer. He appeared neutral, his tail hung loose, and he was not tense.

  “If you try to flee, the pack will not pursue you,” he said.

  Red couldn’t hide that she wanted to stay. She had to know the truth of the situation, as her first encounter with Fen was such a huge part of her life. She couldn’t just leave now. Also, now that she was without her weapons, she was helpless. She would have to play along.

  “I will be your guest,” she said.

  Fen smiled and opened the door. He entered and his long hair flowed across his shoulders. The bedroom was dark and only the light of candles illuminated the space, filling the room with their enticing smell. She noticed racks, leather restraints, and shackles lining the walls, as well as various contraptions such as a large wooden rack, a cage, a large wheel with restraints, and some other strange medieval torture devices arranged throughout the room. There was an assortment of exciting yet torturous sex devices on a table.

  “The castle torture room was converted to my bedroom. I found the devices appealing.”

  “Sounds like you haven’t changed at all.”

  “They are only for pleasure. Not for pain. I have had enough pain in my life,” he said sitting down in a chair. He motioned for Red to sit down across from him.

  “Now, if you’ll allow me to tell you about my journey.”

  “Please do,” she said, purposely emotionless.

  “The transformation changes us for the worst. A horrible physical mutation that comes and goes when it pleases. For a long time I felt a lot of anger, like the world was against me, that the world had a vendetta. I’ve always known that life wasn’t fair, but I honestly thought that someday the transformations would stop. But the torturous periods of mutation – when I became a wolf – would come quicker and last longer than I thought possible. I would go from happy to angry and out of control when I least expected or wanted it. I was being toyed with by life. I eventually learned that I could not control myself. I could not change myself.”

  He poured two glasses of red wine and handed her one.

  “I had so much potential. I had always wanted to be a politician or a lawyer. Someone that could create order out of chaos. But that was not meant to be. Eventually, I knew it didn’t matter and that I had lost. I was still here, though, but I was not what I wanted to be. And it destroyed me inside. I knew that complete failure was a reality. I would not fulfill my destiny. This was not meant to be my story. I asked why me? Why this life? Why a life of hope and pain intermingled for decades? When I met you, I was this monstrosity. A monster on the inside more than anything. A divided soul.”

  “Hey, we all have problems,” Red said, sipping her wine. “But we deal with it.”

  “I tried to take that path. The higher ground. I tried to remain hopeful. I always thought it would go away. But you know what? It didn’t. That’s why I know there’s no God. Because nothing could be that cruel. And if this is some sort of test, then he will have to get for my forgiveness. There’s a limit to looking on the bright side. More than twenty years. The things I’ve lost since then are unfathomable. I’ve experienced more pain than you can imagine. To constantly try for something and fail is torture. Failing at the same point again and again is unbearable. Oblivious humans live free while I’m forced by circumstances beyond my control. And now, here I am, more than twenty years later, nothing but a monster. An embarrassment. I could have been the best, the happiest. I have been so close to simple happiness. Something others with much less than me, though without my bane, achieve so easily. I wish I knew what that was like, but I don’t. I wanted to be normal, to be happy, to not do these things. It wasn’t my choice. It wasn’t my decision. It was more than twenty years of pain. True pain. And not something you can use for good. Suffering that only exists to hurt.”

  Red thought of her own pain and suffering that had been caused by Fen. It was the endless cycle of suffering.

  “As I look back, I can see that I would have been something different. Instead, I am the same I was twenty years ago. A gross mutation, falling apart each day. Sometimes human, enough for glimmers of hope that seem incredibly foolish when something goes wrong. Not knowing whether I am human or monster makes it worse. When I am human, it only serves as a tease to show me what I could be. And how close I am to that reality. But it never lasts. A transformation will appear when it serves to inflict the most damage to my life. It is always timed so well. Every time I require control, I become a monster. There are no exceptions. Ever. And then when it matters least, it leaves me to be my normal self once more. But I am not myself, really. I am less than myself. Something failed. Lost. A lost opportunity.”

  “So you haven’t tried to cure yourself?” she asked.

  “I have tried. I pushed myself to finally try and overcome the problem. Doctors assisted me in preventing my transformations. For a while, it worked, and I became extremely happy, but as I peaked in happiness, I felt in the back of my mind that the timing was right for the evil god to reappear. And sure enough, a worse transformation than anything I’ve ever had before arrived.”

  “What happened?”

  “If I told you, you would not be able to look me in the face. But know that it is not me, when it happens. It is the beast within that I cannot control.”

  “You are a human now, though. You must be able to control yourself somehow.”

  “The only thing I do is endure. I make it through. I endure. I hate. And no good comes of it. And that is why I have chosen my path. At the end of the day, all that remains is me. Alone, with lost time and a future in oblivion. In that other reality, without this bane, is a paradise. I would have my empire. In this world, I have none of that. I have nothing. All because of something so simple, yet so important. I am a tease of what could have been. Something tortured. Something that almost was, and now will never be. I am over hope. I am too old for it. The best years of my life were taken. All I am is a shadow. I am no child’s fantasy.”

  “And I’m supposed to believe that you have changed? I don’t think I can do that. I can’t forgive you for what you did.”

  “That is understandable. I am eternally thankful that the hunter came and stopped me. Not just because it saved your life, but-”

  “And my grandmother’s,” Red said, angrily.

  “Of course, your grandmother,” Fen said, nodding his head. “Who survived, by the way. But anyways, the hunter saved me that day. After he cut me open and left me for dead, I realized that I had hit rock bottom.”

  “Yeah, literally,” Red said, laughing and thinking of the rocks in his belly. Then she felt as though she had been rude, f
or some reason. Am I starting to feel empathy for him?

  “Yes, the rocks,” he said uncomfortably. “I was eventually found by a brother, and he managed to barely save me. Sitting there, I realized that if I couldn’t affect the world in the way I should have, I would do it another way that couldn't first be envisioned. I couldn’t let the natural progression go its own way because it would fail me, as it had that day. I knew that my original life purpose was non-existent. It was gone. And this wasn't a bad thing. I had a new unwanted purpose. The world wouldn’t give me what I wanted, so I had to take it myself. I decided to change the world around me instead of changing myself. You see, I have a vision for the world.”

  “What do you want? What is this vision you keep speaking of?”

  “What I desire is to create order out of chaos. For now, that is creating order within my pack, and within all werewolves. So that our transformations are no longer a negative. So that we can live side by side with the humans. I will unite all of the wolves under this cause.”

  “I too, have tried to create order in my life, once it had been taken from me. That is why I am here this day. I often ask whether I would have rather enjoyed a peaceful life, rather than go through the pain necessary to become what I am today,” Red said.

  “Do you wish that you had never met me? If you had not met me, you would not be the strong and accomplished warrior that you are.”

  “There’s no going back. It’s too late.”

  “But you must understand that without me, you would still be a helpless girl. The pain caused you to grow, just as the pain of my experiences helped me grow. We are the same, in that respect.”

  “We are nothing alike,” she said and placed her glass down.

  Has he really changed? I saw him serving justice on one of his own. But is that proof enough?

  “I only ask that you try and understand,” Fen said, softly.

  “So does that explain why you betrayed me? How do I know you won’t betray me now?”

  “I am loyal.”

  “Hardly,” she said, turning away from him. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  Fen didn’t say anything, but merely looked down sadly. Red glanced at him, his face was a labyrinth of skin, scars, and pain.

  “Will this new path make you happy? You will never be able to escape the past,” she said. Red, herself, had often wondered the same thing about the path she had chosen.

  “Maybe, but at least I will have tried my best find a positive from a negative.”

  “And destroying innocent people to get there?”

  “We are making reparations,” Fen pleaded. “What he did was wrong. And he has paid the price. That is how things work around here now.”

  “The murder shouldn’t have happened in the first place!” Red said, angrily.

  “I’ve often wondered – Are we a disease of the earth? Are we the life-force, mutated and twisted? But then I realized that we are completely natural. That to compare ourselves to the humans is against the natural law. There is no innocence or guilt in the animal kingdom. You cannot judge us.”

  “You tried to take so much away from me.”

  “I’ve lost more than you could have ever had.”

  “And now because of your struggles, you’ve become strong enough to be alpha. What more do you want?”

  “To have the obvious. To be happy. To not be a spectacle. It’s funny because two days ago I thought I was over this. It was one of the best days in my life. I felt better than I had in a long time and felt so confident. I thought I was on my way. Of course the next day, I had an episode, I grew so much that my skin ripped open. I lost two fingers and an incredibly tough girl in red wounded me deeply. This is not an easy life. The mental scars last long after these ones leave,” he said, patting his bandages.

  “You attacked me, remember?”

  “You were hunting us,” he said, smirking.

  “It’s who I am. I’m sure you understand,” she said, smiling devilishly.

  “I am settled now. This conversation has made me feel even more right in my path. I will take the path of the other, while within the shadow. To accept my fate, but strive for order.”

  “So what will you do with me?”

  “That depends on what you want to do. The beast within has destroyed everything I’ve ever cared about. It does not care for order. It only craves the moment. If I could escape it, I would. If I could just once prevent it from taking over, I would. Then, I would know that the human side of me prevailed – that I was more man than beast. I can prevail if you are at my side. If you are with me, then the beast will not have won.”

  Red was shocked and angry at once.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “A future with you is only positive. These years, my imagination has been my enemy, as I fantasized about a life with you that I had lost. The troubles of the real world paled in comparison to that bright shining light that was extinguished prematurely when we diverged paths. And now instead of that future, I am in this present reality living amongst the stench of death. But the two of us could have been great together. We can be great now.”

  He scanned out the window, paranoid, as she often was, of his surroundings. It was a good thing, because it made things easier on her. Assuming they were on the same side, which she was still not sure about.

  “Should I feel as though my life is in danger?” Red asked, noting that he appeared on edge.

  “We are low on resources here; there aren’t enough females. The rest of the tribe cannot compete with me for breeding. That is why it is becoming less safe here. But I will protect you…”

  “Breeding? Listen, I think you have the wrong idea about why I’m here.”

  “We are monogamous creatures that remain together for our entire lives. Until death. What you and I shared was special.”

  “Well, I have other things I need to do with my life.”

  “Like what? Revenge? I am here, take me. But now that you know how I feel – will it be satisfying to you?”

  “I think that-”

  “Stop thinking. Know without thinking.”

  Red was very confused and did not know what to do now. Her purpose was always to get revenge. Now she realized that it may be something that she could never attain with a clear conscience. To kill them without realizing that they are thinking and feeling creatures, would not be justifiable. To kill Fen, after knowing what she knew now, may be impossible.

  “There is only one way to prove that you are who you say you are. Or else I won’t be able to trust you.”

  Red grabbed handcuffs from the table.

  “Have you heard the story of Fenrir?”

  “Of course, all werewolves know of the legend. I am, in fact, named after him. And I have his likeness tattooed on my body.”

  “So I suppose you could break free from these?” she asked, showing him the handcuffs.

  “Of course.”

  “The ability to show restraint – to submit to the control of another – would be hard for you, I would imagine.”

  “For the old me, it would. But now I am trying to learn to control myself. I am attempting to work with the humans – to give them what they want. To submit.”

  “Then you won’t mind if I put these handcuffs on you.”

  “Go ahead,” he said. She pulled his hands behind his back and snapped them shut.

  “Are you afraid of me?” he asked.

  “No. I know what you are now. I used to be, but the curtain has been lifted.”

  “And yet I can still hurt you.”

  “True. If you bite my throat, I will bleed to death within minutes.”

  “And yet you have no fear.”

  “Should I?”

  “Fear is removed once it can be predicted and explained within your limited vocabulary. But is it no longer fear? Or have you just replaced it with a new name?”

  “A name carries a lot of power.”

  “Yes. In keeping one bonde
d. For instance, do not think of me as a beast or monster.”

  “Fair enough. But you don’t have to feel you are bound or restrained at this moment.”

  “But I am,” he said, questioningly.

  “You are not bound – you are free. No matter what state you are in, you are always in a neutral condition – that is your true condition. The world is neither for nor against you. You are always free.”

  “That is not true. The world is most definitely against me.”

  “You whine a lot, you know that? You always complain about your faults. You have no faults that limit you. You never have.”

  “What are you trying to do? Change me after all this time? It’s too late.”

  “You can have as many new beginnings as you desire.”

  “You’re words are not meant for my ears. I exist in a different realm than you. I am here as a shadow.”

  Red shook her head and examined the brute. He was quite gorgeous, even with all his faults. And now that he was under her control, she was getting turned on. She felt excited, but also nervous.

  “Let us find out if you can stop yourself from transforming,” she said, running her fingers along his chest and his bandages.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Oh nothing – just a little something I learned in school.”

  “A strange school you must have attended.”

  “You don’t know the half of it.”

  She brought out some wolfsbane she had within her boots and rubbed it against his skin.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  Fen was clearly weakened by its effects. Wolsfbane is a plant that sprouted from the drool of Cerebus. It was kryptonite to werewolves.

  “You are trying to make me angry,” he said, though his eyes were filled with lust more than anger.

  “Is it working?”

  “Yes,” he said, breaking his handcuffs apart. He grabbed the wolfsbane out of her hand and threw it to the corner. “I did not transform. I passed your test. Now what else do you have in your bag of tricks? Or do you still not trust me?”