Jingo

by Terry Pratchett

Page 18

 

  Hes actually sneakily trying to keep his diary in the manual so his wife wont find out hes never bothered to learn how to use me, said the demon. What about the Vimes manual, then? snapped Vimes. I notice youve never bothered to learn how to use me! The demon hesitated. Humans come with a manual? it said. Itd be a damn good idea! said Vimes. True, murmured Angua. It could say things like “Chapter One: Bingeley–bingeley beep and other damn fool things to spring on people at six in the morning,” said Vimes, his eyes wild. And “Toubleshooting: my owner keeps trying to drop me in the privy, what am I doing wrong?” And– Carrot patted him gently on the back. I should sign off now, sir, he said gently. Its been a busy few days. Vimes rubbed his forehead. I daresay I could do with a rest, he said. Come on, theres nothing more to see here. Lets go home.

  I thought you said you werent going–– Carrot began, but Vimess mind was already scolding him. I meant the Yard, of course, he said. Ill go home afterwards. A ball of lamplight floated through the Ramkin library, drifting across the shelves of huge, leatherbound books. Many of them had never been read, Sybil knew. Various ancestors had simply ordered them from the engravers and put them on the shelves, because a library was something you had to have, dontcherknow, like a stableyard and a servants wing and some ghastly landscaping mistake created by Bloody Stupid Johnson, although in the latter case her grandfather had shot the man before he could do any real damage. She held the lamp higher. Ramkins looked down their noses at her from their frames, through the brown varnish of the centuries. Portraits were another thing that had been collected out of unregarded habit. Most of them were of men. They were invariably in armour and always on horseback. And every single one of them had fought the sworn enemies of AnkhMorpork. In recent times this had been quite difficult and her grandfather, for example, had to lead an expedition all the way to Howondaland in order to find some sworn enemies, although there was an adequate supply and a lot of swearing by the time he left. Earlier, of course, it had been a lot easier. Ramkin regiments had fought the citys enemies all over the Sto Plains and

  had inflicted heroic casualties, quite often on people in the opposing armies. 8 There were a few women among the sitters, none of them holding anything heavier than a glove or a small pet dragon. Their job had largely been to roll bandages and await the return of their husbands with, she liked to think, resolution and fortitude and a general hope that said husbands would return with as many of their bits as possible. The point was, though, that they never thought about it. There was a war, and off they went. If there wasnt a war, they looked for one. They didnt even use words like duty. It was all built in at bone level. She sighed. It was all so difficult these days, and Lady Sybil came from a class that was not used to difficulty, or at least the kind that couldnt be sorted out by shouting at a servant. Five hundred years ago one of her ancestors had cut off a Klatchians head in baffle and had brought it home on a pole, and no–one thought any the worse of him, given what the Klatchians would have cut off if theyd caught him. That seemed straightforward. You fought them, they fought you, everyone knew the rules, and if you got your head cut off you jolly well didnt blub about it afterwards. Certainly, things were better now. But they were just. . . more difficult. And of course some of those antique husbands were away for months or years at a time, and for them wives and families were pretty much like the library and stableyard and the Johnson Exploding Pagoda. You got them sorted out and then didnt think much about it. At least Sam was home every day. Well, most days. Every night, anyway. Well. . . part of most nights, certainly. At least they ate meals together. Well, most meals. Well, at least they made a start on most meals. Well, at least she knew he was never very far away, just somewhere where he was trying to do too much and run too fast and people were trying to kill him. All in all, she considered, she was jolly lucky. Vimes stared at Carrot, who was standing in front of his desk. So what does all that add up to? he said. The man we know didnt get the Prince is dead. The man who probably did. . . is dead. Someone tried very clumsily to make it look as if Ossie was paid by the Klatchians. OK, I can see why someone might want to do that. Thats what Fred calls politics. They 8 It is a long–cherished tradition among a certain type of military thinker that huge casualties are the main thing. If they are on the other side then this is a valuable bonus.

  get Snowy to do the real business, and he helps poor dumb Ossie whos there to take the fall, and then the Watch proves that Ossie was in the pay of the Klatchians and thats another reason for fighting. And Snowy just slopes off. Only someone cured his dandruff for him.

  After hed written something, sir, said Carrot. Ah. . . yes. Vimes looked at the notepad retrieved from Snowys room. It was a crude affair, the wads of mismatched bits of scrap that the engravers sold off cheaply. He sniffed at it. Soap on the edges, he said. His new shampoo, said Carrot. First time hed used it.

  How do you know?

  We looked at all the bottles on the heap, sir.

  Hmm. Looks like fresh blood here, at the spine, where theyre stitched together. . His, sir, said Angua. Vimes nodded. You never argued with Angua about blood. But none of the actual pages have blood on them. . . said Vimes. Which is a bit odd. Messy business, decapitation. People tend to. . . spray. So the top page–

  –has been taken away, sir, said Carrot, grinning and nodding. But thats not the funny part, sir. See if you can guess, sir! Vimes glared at him and then moved the lamp closer. Very faint impression of writing on. the top page. . . he muttered. Cant make it out. . .

  We cant either, sir. We know he wrote in pencil, sir. There was one on the table.

  Very faint traces, said Vimes. Blokes like Snowy write as though theyre chipping stone. He flicked the notebook. Someone tore out. . . not just the page hed written on but several below it as well.

  Clever, eh, sir? Everyone knows–

  –you can read the suspicious note by looking at the marks on the page below, said Vimes. He tossed the book on to the table again. Hmm. Theres a message there, yes. . .

  Perhaps he was blackmailing whoevers behind all this? said Angua. Thats not his style, said Vimes. No, what I meant was–– There was a knock on the door, and Fred Colon entered. Brung you a mug of coffee, he said, and theres a bunch of wo– Klatchians to see you downstairs, Mr Vimes. Probably come to give you a medal and gabble at you in their lingo. And if youre on for late supper, Mrs Goriffs doing goat and rice and foreign gravy.

  I suppose Id better go down and see them, said Vimes. But I havent even had time for a wash–

  Thats evidence of your heroic endeavours, said Colon stoutly. Oh, all right.

  Unease began about halfway down the stairs. Vimes had never run into a group of citizens wishing to give him a medal and so he did not have a lot of experience on this score, but the group waiting for him in a tight cluster near the sergeants desk did not look like a committee of welcome. They were Klatchian. At least, they were wearing foreign-looking clothes and one or two of them had caught more sun than you generally got in Ankh-Morpork. The feeling crept over Vimes that Klatch was a very big place in which his city and the whole of the Sto Plains would be lost, and so there must be room in it for all kinds of peoples, including this short chap in the red fez who was practically vibrating with indignation. Are you the man Vimes? the enfezzed one demanded. Well, Im Commander Vimes–

  We demand the release of the Goriff family! And we wont take any excuses! Vimes blinked. Release?

  You have locked them up! And confiscated their shop! Vimes stared at the man, and then he looked across the room at Sergeant Detritus. Where did you put the family, sergeant? Detritus saluted. In der cells, sir.

  Aha! said the man in the fez. You admit it!

  Excuse me, who are you? said Vimes, blinking with tiredness. I dont have to tell you and you cant beat it out of me! said the man, sticking out his chest. Oh, thank you for telling me, said Vimes. I do hate wasted effort.

  Oh, hello, Mr Wazir, said Carrot, appearing
behind Vimes. Did you get the note about that book? There was one of those silences that happen when everyone has to reprogramme their faces. Then Vimes said, What?

  Mr Wazir sells books in Widdy Street, said Carrot. Only I asked him for some books on Klatch, you see, and one of the ones he gave me was The Perfumed Allotment, or, The Garden of Delights. And I didnt mind because the Klatchians invented gardens, sir, so I thought it might be a very useful cultural insight. Get inside the Klatchian mind, as it were. Only it, er, it. . . er. . . well, it wasnt about gardening. . . er. . . He started to blush. Yes, yes, all right, bring it back if you like, said Mr Wazir, looking a little derailed. I just thought you ought to know in case you hadnt. . . in case you sold. . . well. . . it could shock the impressionable, you know, a book like that. . .

  Yes, fine–

  Corporal Angua was so shocked she couldnt stop laughing. Carrot went on.

  I will have your money sent round directly, said Wazir. His expression turned vengeful again. He glared at Vimes. Books are unimportant at this time! We demand you release my countrymen now!

  Detritus, why the hell did you put them in the cells? said Vimes wearily. What else we got, sir? Deyre not locked in and dey got dean blankets.

  Theres your explanation, said Vimes. Theyre our guests.

  In the cells! said Wazir, relishing the word. Theyre free to go whenever they like, said Vimes. Im sure they are now, said Wazir, contriving to indicate that only his arrival had prevented officially sanctioned bloodshed. You can be sure the Patrician will hear about this!

  He hears about everything else, said Vimes. But if they leave here, who is going to protect them?

  We are! Their fellow countrymen!

  How? Wazir almost stood to attention. By force of arms, if necessary.

  Oh, good, said Vimes. Then therell be two mobs–

  Bingeley–bingeley beep!

  Damn! Vimes slapped at his pocket. I dont want to know I havent got any appointments!

  You have one at eleven pee em. The Rats Chamber, at the palace, said the Dis–organizer. Dont be stupid!

  Please yourself.

  And shut up.

  I was just trying to help.

  Shut up. Vimes turned back to the Klatchian bookseller. Mr Wazir, if Goriff wants to leave with you, we wont stop him–

  Aha! You may well try! Vimes told himself that there was no reason at all why a Klatchian couldnt be a pompous little troublemaker. But he felt uneasy about it, like a man edging along the side of a very deep crevasse. Sergeant Colon?

  Yessir?

  See to this, will you?

  Yessir!

  Diplomatically.

  Right, sir! Colon tapped the side of his nose. Is this politics, sir?

  Just. . . just go and fetch the Goriff family and they can. . . Vimes waved a hand vaguely. They can do whatever they like. He turned and walked up the stairs. Someone has to protect my peoples rights! shouted Wazir.

  They heard Vimes stop halfway up the stairs. The board creaked under his weight for a second. Then he continued upwards, and several of the watchmen started breathing again. Vimes shut his office door behind him. Politics! He sat down and scrabbled through the papers. It was much easier to think about crime. Give him good honest–crime any time. He tried to shut out the outside world. Someone had beheaded Snowy Slopes. That was a fact. You couldnt put it down to a shaving accident, or unreasonably strong shampoo. And Snowy had attempted to shoot the Prince. And so had Ossie, but Ossie only thought he was an assassin. Everyone else thought he was a weird little twerp who was as impressionable as wet clay. A lovely idea, though. You used a real murderer, a nice quite professional, and then you had – Vimes smiled grimly – someone else to take the fall. And if he hadnt taken a less metaphorical fall the poor twisted little sod would have believed he was the murderer. And the Watch was supposed to believe it was a Klatchian plot. Sand in their sandals. . . The nerve of it! Did they think he was stupid? He wished Fred had carefully swept up the sand, because he was damn well going to find out whod put it there and they were going to eat it. Someone wanted Vimes to chase Klatchians. The man on the burning roof. Did he fit in? Did he have to fit in? What could Vimes recall? A man in a robe, his face hidden. And a voice of a man not just used to giving commands – Vimes was used to giving commands – but also used to having commands obeyed, whereas a member of the Watch treated orders as suggestions. But some things didnt have to fit. That was where clues let you down. And the damn notebook. That was the oddest thing yet. So someone had carefully ripped out several pages after Snowy had written whatever hed written. Someone bright enough to know the trick of looking at the pages underneath for faint impressions. So why not pinch the whole pad? It was all too complicated. But somewhere was the one thing thatd make it simple, that would turn it all into sense– He flung down his pencil and wrenched open the door to the stairs. What the hells all this noise? he yelled. Sergeant Colon was halfway up the stairs. It was Mr Goriff and Mr Wazir having a bit of what you might call an argy–bargy, sir. Someone set fire to someone elses country two hundred years ago, Carrot says.