by Nancy Rawles
But nobody say nothing bout Jim. They let me out to tend the crop.
My dress stick to my back with blood. My arms aching bout to fall off. Banes push me to go faster. He say I aint seen nothing yet. Lizbeth come with some water. I bends down and I cant gets up. She look at me all sorrowful. She dip her finger in the water and put it to my lips. I casts my eyes down so she know to turn away fore Banes come after her.
That night she put the grease on me and pull the dress off my back. I too weak to scream. It hurt my daughter to see me this way. What kind of life she gonna face now her daddy gone.
I dreams bout dogs. In my dreams I sees Jim running from dogs. He in the woods falling over branches and roots. He falling trying to find his way to the river. He swim the river. The river pull him down and wash him up on one of them islands. The hunters and woodcutters come after him. I wakes up in a sweat with them dogs at my heels.
Jonnie sleeping in the corner. He shaking with a chill so I covers him with my quilt. He stop talking Jonnie. The patrollers been round again. They scare him so bad he cant speak. Like they done cut the tongue out his mouth. Lizbeth aint speak much anymore. So I got two children quiet like the moon. Quiet and hungry like the moon.
Raining again. Maybe they aint find my Jim cause of the rains. I thinks of him with his hat on his head. Or maybe he take it off and use it to catch rainwater. Long as I can thinks of him in that hat I believes he safe and on his way to freedom.
So when they find his hat floating in the river I knows my Jim really dead. Hat cover in mud from the river. Little piece missing.
Jims hat floating in the Mississippi. Thats all the proof anybody need. That nigger drown hisself. Nigger never without his hat. Sooner or later his head gonna come looking for it.
Bowl
See this mark. You can feel it with your fingers. Fore this bowl broke thats the Congo cross. Not a Christian cross. A Congo cross. One line up to the gods one line down to the ancestors in the spirit world. One line over for this life right now and this death too. A circle tying it all together.
My mamas mama a healer. She the first doctor in the family this side the water. When my grandmama give my mama this bowl she know the power in it.
Time they find Jims hat I still gots my bowl. I goes to the woods for some bloodroot. I makes the children eat the seeds. Then I eats whats left. Now that Jim gone Lizbeth and Jonnie all I owns in the world. Something happen to them aint no reason to go on. I scared Mas split us up as punishment. I waits till they finds the body. Then I knows what to do.
Body never come. Not Jims body or the white boys. White folks say Jim must of killed that boy since they both gone missing at the same time. But I knows Jim aint kill no boy less he got good cause. Jim fond of them boys. They pay him in coins and marbles when he tell them what he see.
Nigger under a spell. Thats what the white folks say. That doctoring witch put that nigger under a spell. He a good nigger fore he met up with her. I scared what they gonna do to me.
When Mas hear tell of Jims drowning he come looking for me. He gonna whip me hisself. He call all the slaves in from the fields to watch. He tell Banes to strip me down to my waist. Then they tie my arms to a tree. Not round the tree like usual but over my head. He want me to face him.
Some the womens start to making noises. Mas say they better stop clicking they tongues if they know whats good for them.
He want me to beg him for mercy. He can kill me right there. I just aint wants my children to see it. So after awhile I says please Mas believe me. I tells Jim not to run off. I tries to keep him.
That afternoon Emma tend to me. I tells her to make me a balm from the inside bark of a sycamore. Dress my wounds and lay some tobacco leaves cross my chest. Boil me a blackberry tonic. Emma do everything I says.
Fortune over in the corner moaning. Her pains got her scared this time. I tells Emma to give Fortune some milkweed to make her breathing right. I tells Lizbeth bring my bowl and crush me up some mint.
I wants none of your cure Fortune say. Folks aint want to touch nothing you touch.
None of Mas Stevens slaves trust us come from Mas Watsons. But if we can helps them they work it out of us Now they scared. Just like the white folks. I looks at Emma She shaking her head.
Fortune dont survive that baby. Baby take all the breath out of her. Mas give the baby to Emma and tell her to nurse it till he can sell it.
After that Mas Stevens take him a wife. She aint no more than a child. Indian child he call Flesh. Folks say he done stole her off the prairie. She cant talk his language and he make fun of her when she talk her own. I feels sorry for her Everything Mas Stevens got he done stole.
One day Flesh come to the cabins. I sees the marks on her face where Mas Stevens done beat her.
She got in her hand some leaves. They dry and gray like ash. Where you get them Miss I says. Her eyes full of water and I knows them leaves from wherever she from. She poin to my bowl. She want me to take them and pound up a cure She want me to put them in my bowl and give them back they power.
I cant helps you Miss I tells her. I aint knows them leaves. You got to hold them in your hands and talk to them in they language. Thats when they give up they secrets.
She press the leaves to her cheek.
A few weeks later Mas take Flesh to town and leave her there. He dont want her no more. I never hears what come of her. Maybe she dead. Maybe she walk home.
After that Mas turn his eye on me. He think up reasons to get me in the house. Take these sheets and wash them he say. I dont wants no trace of that Indian nigger in my house.
I does what he say. Then I goes to the fields.
One night I finds a dead bird in front my cabin. I stands in the yard and calls out my enemies. Nobody come.
Next day Mas ride up on his horse while we topping the tobacco. He tell Banes to work us harder. Then he turn to me.
You cook Sadie dont you.
I keeps my eyes on the ground.
That Fortune dont know bout cooking. And I cant stomach no Indian food. Come cook me some nigger greens Sadie.
I knows nothing bout cooking Mas.
Sure you do. You a doctoring nigger aint you. Come cook me a remedy.
I stays still.
Everybody looking at us. Mas mad now. He tell Banes to take his rope and tie me to one end of it. All the time Banes tying Mas talking.
Maybe theys a little meat in it for you. Your children can use some meat Sadie. And the niggers need they mush.
He run me behind his horse. When we gets to the kitchen he throw me in with the pots and say make the niggers they mush.
I aint cooking without no food I says.
What you think you got in them sacks nigger.
I aint sees nothing but cornmeal Mas. Us niggers we tired of cornmeal.
He strike the bench with his cane.
You gonna eat what I gives you he say.
But I aint gonna cook it I says. I wants to go back to the fields.
We looking at each other now. He gone dark red. I knows he want to kill me right then. But he dont. He just laugh at me.
What you gonna cook then.
You got a garden full of greens I says. We aint hardly gots no greens. And you got all them pigs. Every day we tends them pigs but you aint feed us no pork no ham no bacon no fatback. You sell all them pigs fore you kill one for your niggers.
He turn and leave. I looks for something to steal. But I scared he gonna catch me.
His boots muddy and his face more red. He come back carrying a baby pig by its feet. Pig squealing something awful. He throw it on the block and quick as lightning grab a butcher knife and chop off its head. Blood squirt everywhere staining his pants and the front of my dress.
He cuss and drop the knife.
I puts the water to boil.
For supper the niggers get hog maws and greens but all of them scared to touch the food. They looking at me all curious. They looking at the food like I done put something in it.
When they sees my children and Emma eating hunger start talking to they fear. Soon the juice running down they lips.
From then on I cooks. When I aint cooking I works longside the others. Mas got me making him bacon and eggs every morning. He got me making him biscuits and gravy. He say I can puts some bacon crumbs in the mush and a hambone in the greens. But he aint want his niggers getting fat.
I aint wants them to think I good as Mas Watson he say.
I aint says nothing.
We coming on harvest time. Mas Stevens sell one of Fortunes children and use the money to hire harvest workers. They all big and strong black men. We looking better now but we still skinny as all getout. I aint spect any of them working men gonna look twice at one of Mas Stevens gals. But one of them take a interest in me. Fella name of Nate. He take pleasure in my cooking.
Sadie sure know how to take a little bit of nothing and turn it into something he say.
He work hard but I all the way feels his eyes on me. Sun too hot to think bout nothing.
Once the harvest done and the curing fires burning I asks Mas can I makes a little something extra for the workers. He say make the niggers some biscuits and gravy. He gonna send one of the children to help. He send my Lizbeth.
I aint sees my children much then. When they daddy run off Mas punish us by moving Lizbeth and Jonnie to different cabins. I gots the cabin to myself. After Fortune die they move another gal in there to spy on me. But she move herself out.
I longs for my children. When I sees Lizbeth standing fore me I starts to weep. She put her hand on me. I pats her hair. We works without a word.
Folks almost happy that night. They make a big fire in the yard. The hired men dance. The rest of us too tired and sore to dance. Banes somewhere getting drunk. Mas too. For one night we feels ourselves.
Nate come upon me resting outside my cabin smoking my pipe.
How come you aint with the others he want to know.
They scared of me I says. Scared of the conjure woman.
You aint no conjure woman he say real quiet. You a healer. I hears bout your powers way downriver.
I looks at him. How you know bout me.
Want to walk he say.
I gets up and we goes down to the fields. Moon still bright in the sky. The fields clean and all bare.
When we far away from the cabins Nate turn to me and take my hand. Sadie he say and just look at me.
Your Jim aint dead.
My heart fall down my body.
What you telling me I says.
He look round to make sure nobody near. I seen your Jim he say. He alive as me.
I starts to shake and he take me in his arms. He whisper in my ear.
I comes from down Arkansas way. White folks down there makes a big fight and leave some of them dead. Cant afford to keep all of us after that so they hires out some of us men. I tries to get myself hire onto a farm up this way. Jim give me your name and the name of Mas Stevens. He tell me bout Lizbeth and Jonnie too. It take me awhile but I finds my way here.
How Jim look I asks.
He fine Nate say. Hungry but we feeds him. Traveling with a skinny white boy.
He working I asks.
He hiding Nate say. He tell me he aint belong to the boy. If white folks catch him they send him back to his miss and she sell him down the river. Thats why he run off he say. Cause his miss bout to sell him downriver.
Now I knows why he leave. I cries to hear his name.
Once he get hisself free he coming back for you and the children Nate say. You wait on him. He gonna come. You aint got to worry none.
That night I glad to be lone with nobody to tell my heart to. I lies a long time awake and then I cries myself to sleep.
When Mas come home in the morning he wander over to my cabin. He knock on the door with his cane and wake me up. Fore I can lifts myself off the floor he come at me. Fall down on top of me. I just lays there. He too drunk to do anything. I takes all my strength and rolls him off me. He stumble up. Kick the door open with his boot.
I gets up and stands in the door. I sees some the others standing in they doors watching. They looks at me and click they tongues.
I keeps myself to myself. Takes my mamas knife and that little piece of Jims hat and puts them in my pocket for protection. I knows my husbands alive. But I aint wants nobody else to know.
That day Banes aint ring the bell for work. In the quarters we all lays low. No sign of Mas after he leave my cabin. Folks say Banes been in a fight. He cut up bad. We all waits to hear.
Mas ring the bell bout noon. He mad when he aint seen his niggers clearing the fields. He call me away from the others.
You come on in here and fix my breakfast.
I makes his eggs. I fries him up some bacon. I starts on the cornmeal mush. Whole time Mas looking at me. My back turned but I feels his eyes on me. Every time I turns round I catches him looking at me. Licking his lips.
He come at me. He back me into a corner and he take me.
After that aint nothing I can do to stop him from coming at me. One day I takes a piece of wood and dip it in the fire. I holds it up in front of me like he the devil. He take his cane and knock it out my hand. He stamp the fire with his boot. Then he take me.
I aint never tells nobody how bad I feels. Who I gonna tell. Fall coming on. I aint seen Jim in a season. Spring when he leave me. But I knows he aint dead. Lord I prays every night he come for us soon.
When Mas come to take me I fights him. Every time he come at me I fights him. I aint belongs to him. I belongs to my Jim. Mas try to break me but he cant. He know he can take me but he cant ever own me. Thats when he turn to my daughter.
Lizbeth cant hear but she see everything. One Sunday I catches her wearing a ribbon in her hair.
Where you get that ribbon from.
She look at the house.
Mas give you this ribbon.
She say yes.
Take it out your hair.
But I likes it Mama.
I slaps her hard.
She put her head down. I throws the ribbon in the fire and walks over to the house.
Mas sitting on the porch smoking his cigar.
What you want gal.
Why you give my Lizbeth a ribbon.
She like the bright color.
You stay away from my daughter.
He sit up real straight.
Nothing here belong to you he say. Not even your daughter. Now you on back to the cabins fore I calls Banes to set you straight.
I runs back to the cabins. I takes Lizbeth by the hand and we goes to the woods. I shows her the plants make a person sick. This one give you stomach pains. This one make you dizzy. I puts them in her hands.
Next day when I comes in out the fields to cook Mas his breakfast he say Sadie where your daughter. He order me bring her to him. I acts like I cant hears him.
He say Sadie you can use some help in the kitchen. Bring your Lizbeth in here.
I aint says nothing.
Next day when I comes my Lizbeth already there. I burning mad but I acts like it aint nothing out the ordinary. I gives Lizbeth the basket to go get some eggs. Then I turns to Mas.
If you touch my daughter I says your hand gonna fall off. Your teeth gonna fall out. Then every living part of you gonna fall off till you aint nothing but the memory of flesh.
Bring me my breakfast nigger. Thats all he say.
Every time Mas aint looking I goes out and gathers poison. Foxglove spiceberry pokeberry. Blue iris root. Whatever I can finds. I puts them in my bowl and pounds them to a powder. I tries to remember what my mama learn me. I calls upon the spirits to give me the heart.
I takes that powder and puts it in Mas food little by little. At first he aint notice nothing. Then he say Sadie what you putting in my food. You serving me rotten eggs gal. I swears you trying to poison me.
Working cures all I knows Mas. I aint never poisons nobody. Just something going round.
Well it bette
r not come round here.
All the niggers sick I tells him. I dips my finger in the powder and puts it in my mouth. I wants Mas to see me sick. My eyes feel like they want to pop out my head. My head all dizzy and swole. Something going round.
You brings your bowl and work me a cure then he say. Just like you do for the niggers. Cept dont bring me no snakeroot. And I aint gonna chew no black walnut bark.
Mas getting sicker by the day. He holding his stomach and cant hold nothing down. The pain bad now. He double up with it. His tobacco and whiskey all he got. He too sick to bother me. Talking bout calling the white doctor. I scared of what the white doctor say.
You bring them plants in your bowl Mas say. I wants you to crush them where I can sees them. I wants to know what you putting in my cure.
I does like he say. I brings dandelion root and five finger root and root of columbine. I heats up some salt.
When I comes in the room Mas already sleep. I should of killed him all them years ago. Fore me and Jim marries. Fore the children come. After Mama dead and Gwen sold. When I aint got nothing and nobody in the world. Then it aint matter what they do to me. But now I gots my children and I waiting on my Jim. So I gots to kill Mas right this time. So he never come back and they never catch me.
I sets my bowl down on the chair and feels for my knife. I brings it over my head. Knife so small I got to hit him right. I scared I gonna miss. He gonna wake up and kill me. White folks gonna find me with blood on my dress and tear off my arms and legs. Set me on fire.
I sees his cane leaning next to the bed. Cane got more power than leaf or root. I moves closer to it. Many times I tries to draw the power from it. So it gonna break when Mas lean on it. So he gonna fall and break with that cane and his evil be done with me.
I takes the cane in my hand. My skin itch all over. Cane aint nothing but wood and he aint nothing but meat. If I strikes him hard in the head I can kill him with one blow. Then I throws him and his cane in the fire and never looks back.
I picks up the cane. I aint seen Mas wake up. I aint feels him looking at me. Fore I knows it he jump out the bed. I drops the cane.