by Nancy Rawles
Pick it up gal. Thats all he say. Give it to me.
I knows he gonna beat me with his cane. When I hands it to him I gets down real low and covers my head. Tucks down low to the floor so he strike my shoulder and back not my neck and head. Waiting to feel that cane cross my back. Waiting to hear it cut cross the air. But that aint the sound I hears. I hears the sound of wood tapping clay. Mas got my bowl in his hand.
I starts to rise. He stop me with his cane. Point it at me like a gun. Like he gonna run it right through me.
No Mas. Please Mas.
He place my bowl on the tip of that cane and spin it.
Bowl crash to the ground. I aint sees nothing after that. My hands reaching round like a blind person trying to gather up the pieces and all the time he crushing them under his cane. Under his boots. Till my bowl aint nothing but dust. Nothing but powder on the floor. Cept this one little piece I save all these years.
See that line. That line one day be a circle again. All the spirits cross over gonna come back round.
Tooth
Lizbeth got a button. Its something the Widow Douglas give her. The Widow Douglas Miss Watsons sister. Her husband die young and leave her alone on the hill. When Mas Watson die Miss Watson move in with her. Thats where she take my Jim.
Since they believe Jim dead Miss Watson and the Widow Douglas take a good Christian interest in me and the children. They come out in they coach to see us. One day when Mas Stevens drunk they convince him to let them take us to church. Ever since Mas Stevens catch me with his cane he aint want nothing to do with me. He say you can go just so long as I aint gots to come looking for you.
We dress like we going on a picnic. Lizbeth put on her apron. Jonnie tie a rope round his shirt. I wears my head scarf under my straw hat so the holes aint look so bad.
Widow Douglas got a coachman. Old black man with a white beard. He a kind man. Put his hand on Jonnies head like he know how much Jonnie want the touch of a father. He wearing dirty gloves and a red coat. Lizbeth think that coat pretty. She say so. He help us in the coach.
Widow Douglas say thats the red coat of a English soldier. Somebody must of killed him to get it off. See that hole there. Thats the hole from a musket shot.
But Lizbeth aint looking at the hole. She see something shiny like a medal and she reach up to touch it.
Miss Watson say aint that a pretty button.
Lizbeth aint say nothing. She got a big eye for that button. Gold button on a red coat. All the other buttons gone only this one left. Old torn dirty coat. Lizbeth never seen a button so pretty. It hanging by a thread.
Widow tell the coachman give Lizbeth that button. He dont need to wear no button. He dont need to be so proud. Coachman do like she say.
Lizbeth holding that button like it gonna buy her freedom. Widow look at her and shake her head. She give the button to Lizbeth cause she feel sorry for a girl cant hear. Girl just loss her daddy. Girl who always be a slave.
At first I tells Lizbeth throw that button away cause the widow aint mean you no good by it. But then I sees how the child so glad for that button. Maybe the button a charm. Emma say Lizbeth need something to hold. Something she know all the way hers. I lets her keep the button and I aint bothers her bout it none.
Lizbeth pray every night. She learn how to pray fore she loss her hearing and she put her hands together every night. She pray her daddy come home safe and sound. She pray holding onto that button.
Her prayers a comfort to her but they make me want to cry. My comfort in my dreams.
I dreams Jim asleep in my arms. Sometime I holds him. Sometime he hold me.
After Nate tell me bout Jim I wants to tell Lizbeth and Jonnie. Daddys alive. But I dont dares say nothing to nobody.
I dreams Jim walking cross the river.
I dreams Jim swimming cross the sea.
I dreams Jim riding up to heaven but he gone without me.
I starts to hate him. Maybe he got his freedom already and he take another gal. Maybe he in Illinois or Ohio. On his way to Canada. Maybe freedom a starting over place and he aint want nothing from his slavery.
After Mas break my bowl he order me out the house. He aint beat me or let Banes whip me. He just aint pay me no mind no more. I works the fields bending and stooping. Sometime I stands and looks up. Sky the best thing when you trap. Banes tell me go back to work.
I waiting on my Jim like a child wait. Without my bowl I cant thinks bout no cures cant brings down no powers. I done loss the line connecting me to everything.
And Mas got my Lizbeth.
He got her up in the house with him. He got a old woman name Rose doing the cooking. We back to cornmeal every day. When Rose at the cabins or out in the fields I asks her bout my daughter.
She with Mas now.
He forcing her.
He aint got to force her. He just got to feed her.
I aint wants to hear it but I knows it true. Lizbeth seen what I goes through with Mas. She aint got the stomach to fight.
Seem like the longer Jim stay away the less he got to come home to. I starts to wonder if he ever coming back.
Jonnie come to sleep in my cabin. Them folks Mas put him with done put him out. They sleeping all crowded and I sleeping by myself.
Go sleep with that devil done birth you they say. They tell Jonnie all kind of lies bout me. Say I aint no Christian and I going to hell. They in hell and they worrying bout going to hell. Everywhere they look Christians see a black devil. They think God a white mas.
I never makes friends with Mas Stevens slaves but I sings with them. Pass a song down a row of tobacco. Change the line when it get to you. Take up the line somebody give you. Fill it out with one lower or one higher. Speed it up when the work lagging. Slow it down when the night come.
They send Jonnie to me with a bruise face. His eyes big with worry. I tries to touch him and he turn away.
You aint want to see your mama. You scared of me.
He start to cry. He still a little boy.
Whats wrong I says. You look like you seen a ghost.
My tooth hurt he say. They hit me.
His lip swoll and bloody. Open your mouth I says.
He aint want to open it. I brings his head close. Sticks my finger tween his teeth.
He scream and holler.
Shut up I says. And pulls the tooth.
He act like I kicks him in the mouth.
I aint wants you to pull my tooth. I aint wants you to touch me. He yelling like a fool.
Little itty bitty tooth. Next time I slaps it out of you I says. I takes the tooth and wraps it in a cloth.
I aint wants you to bury it he scream. Dog gonna dig it up. Somebody get hold of my tooth and put something on me. I aint wants no witch to take my tooth. He throw hisself on the floor.
I so hurt I can hardly breathes. Jonnie aint got the heart to look at me.
Go to sleep I says. Aint nothing but a tooth. You think I gonna work something on you. Your own mama. You been listening to fools preaching all that sin. They the ones know evil. They know it like they own children.
Jonnie so small when Mas Stevens buy us. Right away he put to work feeding the pigs and sweeping out the stables. He never complain like the other children. At night he cry in the corner.
Now I gives him the piece of his daddys hat to hold. He smell it and put it on his lips. I shows him how to press it tween his palms and call his daddy back to him.
He hold his mouth where the tooth use to be. I makes him open and show me. He got two rotten teeth.
Clove good for toothache. When children teething I likes to pound a little clove. Put the powder on my finger and stick it in they mouths. But most the time I cant gets clove. Only the bark of a black walnut tree. Jonnie aint like chewing bark but he love the clove.
Mas got some in his pantry. He got all kind of spices and sweet smelling leaves. He mix them with his tobacco. He put some crushed clove in a piece of paper roll it up and smoke it.
I goes and stands under
the kitchen window. Just stands there looking in. Fall coming on fast. Aint never been so lonely. Lamp casting a soft light. Lizbeth cleaning up. She just a girl but her face getting grown. I stands in the dark watching my child. She up high I down low. She in the light. Starch white apron round her waist. Aint been with Mas but two weeks. Already she look old. Putting on a little flesh. Me and Jonnie skin and bones.
I just waits there till she feel me. All us slaves can feel things. Only now with the freedom folks aint feel nothing.
Lizbeth come to the door. She take my hand and pull me inside. Quick fore Mas can see she say. She grab me and hold me. I stiff she soft. I shakes she hold steady. I aint knows what to say. She put her finger on my lips.
I points to the pantry. We hides there. I goes through them jars till I finds the clove.
Jonnie got a toothache I says.
She make a face. Tear roll down. She miss her Jonnie. Look like she maybe want to tell me something. She aint get the chance.
Mas come in and see me standing in his kitchen with the clove in my hand. I turns round to leave. He come at me with his cane. Push me from behind.
In the morning Banes come to my cabin and take my boy away.
Mas hate me so much. I the only one dont abide him. I all the way fights. I believes he sell my boy cause he want to watch me suffer. But maybe its just for money. He drinking all the crop.
I aint never screams like I do that day. I tear at Banes with my teeth. I fights and kicks. He knock me down. He got Jonnie under his arm. Jonnie trying to grab hold to me.
Others standing in the yard watching. Some turn and go back to they cabins. Banes push me away again. He push me hard. I falls down in the dust. He walking away with my Jonnie under his arm.
I walks round the yard in circles. I tears at my hair and clothes. I takes my knife and starts stabbing at my skin. Only it aint my knife but the shard from my Congo bowl. It leave marks on my skin. White lines like a cross.
Workers starting for the packhouse take up a song. Pass it round the yard. Circle me with it. Song bout hardship. Sometimes I feels like a motherless child. I believes that song the only thing save me from losing my mind.
Thats your Uncle Jonnies tooth.
Pipe
After Mas Stevens take away my Jonnie I aint good for nothing. Cant works cant thinks. Banes come at me with a whip I aint even feels. The others good to me though. They put they hands on me and give me they care. I just like them now. Aint one of Mas Watsons no more. Aint no witch no healer. Just a nigger now. Somebody to buy and sell. Like tobacco or cotton or cane.
I cant sleeps that night. Cant keep my body still. Moving side to side like a body possess. Sounds coming out my mouth like a animal in a trap. Sounds like a bear or a fox. I gots to do something to settle myself. Slaves lose they minds worse than dead. White folks likes to pick at them. Pick at them till they die.
I gots to do something. So I goes to the packhouse. I takes a torch and sets the tobacco hands on fire. For awhile I sits there and watches them burn. Then I puts the torch down and walks back to my cabin.
Folks say I aint knows what I done but I knows plenty. Grief put me out my mind and make me want to hurt Mas like he hurt me. Only way to do that take his child. So I fires the tobacco.
He aint loss much. Fire only burn the outside of the tobacco. The hands rolled so tight the fire cant get inside. The mens and womens come running. They aint nothing but bones but they running to put out Mas fire. Passing the water hand to hand. Fighting the fire with quilts. Children clinging to each other. Turning away from me.
I remembers trying to lift my head. I aint wants to walk with my head down. I wants to look folks in the eye and say thats what I done. Thats me set the fire. Dress tore hair tore eyes burning. Crazy Sadie. I walks with my head up.
I sleeps while the fire burn. I sleeps and waits for Mas. I wakes when I feels his boot on my cheek. I opens my eyes and sees Mas with the cane in his hand.
I tries to lift my head but he push me to the ground. His boot crushing down my cheek. I tries to lifts it off but I aint gots no strength in me. I sees that cane in his hand. I sees that cane and my mind go blank. Pain so bad my mind cant feel it. I sees Jim then. Pain so big it take hold of all the space in my mind. I sees Jim looking down on me. He holding out his hand to me. I puts my hands up. When that cane come down I feels myself in the air with Jims arms round me. Mas Stevens done disappear.
He put out my eye with that cane.
Just one corner of the packhouse burn. When they take me away I standing tied in the back of a wagon. I stands so I can see my work. Only one little opening in the corner of the packhouse. One little sore black circle. Like an eye got a patch. Thats all it cost Mas Stevens. Just one little eye.
It break me sure when Mas sell my Jonnie. Speculator buy him for two hundred dollars. Jonnie so little Mas aint get much for him. I just like that old woman I seen the first time I comes to Mas Stevens place. So thin I can hardly moves. Lizbeth try to give me some meat Mas done throw on the ground. She go down there and get it. My heart all the way break.
Mas spit on the ground when the wagon come to take me. He force open my eye and spit on the ground. He cussing when they take me. Slave aint sound cant fetch a good price. Sellers all the way trying to make a story how we gots that way but whites know they own cruelty. They know you must be trouble to make a white man damage his own property.
You see a one eye person you wonder how that person cry. But one eye do just fine for tears. First night in the slave pen in St. Louis nothing can separate me from my sorrow. I cries all night. Others tell me shush up they trying to sleep. But aint nothing can settle me down. I done loss everything with no hope of being found.
Traders come by the pen. Look us over. Talk bout us like meat.
How much you want for this one. I aint paying good money for a nigger aint sound. These beatdown niggers aint worth all that. Every one I buys I sells but I gots to make a profit. One eye club foot aint make no difference. Damn planters down south snatching up every nigger in sight. The world got to have its cotton its sugar and its rum. But you aint gonna get these prices no sir. Niggers aint worth all that.
It take a week to make a coffle. We waits in the pen till the last one sold.
I waits and waits. I aint working so I feels my tired. Tired like I aint never been. Seem like all them years pressing down on me. I thinks bout that gal use to come to market looking to kiss on Jim. I knows how she feel on her way downriver. Waiting to see whats gonna come of her. Till she got to do something. Cant wait no more.
Us slaves works and waits works and waits. We works for the mas and we waits on freedom. I aint knows if I can waits no more. I waits on Jim. Waits for something good to come. It aint always come in time. Thats what you find in life.
Jim come into the yard. My heart see him fore my mind know him. He take one look at me and cry. He aint seen me without my eye.
He left when it just first summer. Now winter in the air. And here he stand without his hat.
Fore he touch me he smile at me. He know I aint want him to see me like this. He lift my chin with his finger and breathe me in. Then he smile at me and touch my cheek.
I cries and cries. He let me lean gainst him.
What happen to your eye he say. Lizbeth aint say nothing bout your eye.
I tells him Mas Stevens take it. He try to take my tears too but I still gots my tears. We cries together. We sits down and cries.
He bring me my things. Lizbeth wrap them all in a rag and Jim bring them to me. My mamas knife. Piece of brown hat. Shard from the Congo bowl. Jonnies tooth.
He bring me a pipe. Good luck pipe he say. Give to me by a boy. Both us spose to be dead. But we both living. I helps him run. He help me run. I loss my pipe. He give me his. Mud from the river in this pipe.
He pick up a twig and clean it for me.
How you got here I says.
I comes on a steamer. I pays my own way.
Where you get
the money.
White boy give it to me.
You free now.
I gone to the courthouse for my papers.
How you be free and still in Missouri.
Miss Watson put it in her will.
Miss Watson dead.
She gone a few weeks. Aint you hear.
I cant remembers. Where you going now.
I aint knows. Cant stay here though. Patrollers looking to grab me and put me back in chains.
Why you come to the pen. Aint you worry they snatch you.
I needs you to see me Sadie. I needs you to see how sorry I be. Gots my freedom but I loss my family. What kind a man I be.
He cry good then. I aint mad at him. I aint happy for him. I mostly just jealous and shame for myself. To still be a slave and he free.
I tries to buy you out the pen he say. But they aint sell you to me. Mas Stevens already done sell you to a speculator.
Jim say Mas Stevens act glad to see him. You the nigger of the day now aint you he say. You looking for your family but they aint here. They all gone downriver looking for you. Jim say he like to kill Mas Stevens. But he feel somebodys eyes on him. So he just stare real hard at Mas Steven like he gonna fight him if he say another word. Jim say he willing to die if he can take Mas Stevens with him. Mas Stevens see it in his eyes and walk away.
Lizbeth watching them. When Mas leave she run to her daddy. Tell him me and Jonnie gone. Jim promise he come back for her. Thats a hope I all the way holds onto. Till I gots to give it up.
Me and Jim we just sits after that. We sitting on crates in the yard. Waiting.
I holds my things. I fingers the piece of bowl like a bead. I works it like a stone.
Jim tap the pipe on his leg. He fold it into my hand. He chew his tobacco. I smells him next to me.
He open my hand and spit some tobacco in it. I feels the juice running down my arm. He mash the tobacco with the mud from the pipe.
He working a cure. Take a rag from his pocket. Put the mash tobacco mud in it and wrap it all up. Place it on my eye.
How that feel he say.
That feel better.