I didn’t feel like picking up a girl for the night, and evidently Ina didn’t either. It was out of the question for Nellie anyway. Our lovely dark-eyed drummer had never been interested in casual sex, and now she was in love. So the three of us drove back to the farmhouse in silence. We drank a beer or two when we got home, and chatted a little, but Nellie and Ina both seemed to have something on their minds. I knew Nellie was thinking of Jenny, and perhaps Ina was thinking of her breakup with Caro. At any rate they said their good nights to me and went upstairs to their bedrooms, leaving me alone with my own thoughts.
I lit a cigarette, took my beer bottle, and walked outside to the backyard. It was a cold and clear night, and as I stood looking up to the stars in the night sky, I shivered and pulled my coat closer, and suddenly thought of Tanja, my Crazy Little Bitch. For a moment I actually thought about calling her, but then I decided against it.
For a long time I watched the stars, and tried not to think about how something seemed to be happening between Tanja and I. I seemed to be powerfully drawn to the beautiful blonde girl with the long braids, but I didn’t understand why. It was certainly more than mere sexual attraction. It was so much more. I was drawn to her and I was scared at the same time. Despite of the cold I stayed outside for quite a while. It was late, long after midnight, when I finally went back inside.
I turned out the lights in the downstairs of our farmhouse, and I went upstairs to my bedroom. Just before I drifted off to sleep, a terrible sense of loneliness swept over me. I realized then, that I wished Tanja was here in my bed with me, and that I was holding her in my arms. It struck me that I craved this kind of closeness, this feeling of belonging together, and not just the fantastic sex we’d had.
CHAPTER 4 – EVEN GODDESSES NEED ADVICE SOMETIMES
The Carnival break ended for me right after ‘The Coldhearts’ gig on Sunday. While Ina and Nellie went downtown to watch the colorful Carnival parade, and while Jenny spent time with her girlfriend Emilia, I was sitting in my office, working my ass off.
My old client Susanna Weichert had hired me to create a new online presence and other promotional materials for the biotech startup company where she was Marketing Director now. Ever since she’d met me at her previous company Dermoskin Pharma several years ago, Susanna had taken a liking to me, and when I set up my own business, she became one of my first and best clients. I was very grateful for that and didn’t want to disappoint her.
Susanna had given me a lot of work to do, but she’d also given me a deadline that I couldn’t meet without working my ass off. To a certain extent it was a good thing, not only because of the amount of money I’d make, but also because it would keep me too busy to think too much about a certain blonde girl and what was happening between her and me.
On Ash Wednesday morning I decided that I saw silver linings on the horizon and that I would definitely be able to meet the deadline. I’d muted my cellphone and was surprised when it started vibrating. Glancing at the display I recognized Jenny’s number. I bit my lip and thought fast. Nellie had told me that our lovely young bass player was tormented by her romantic dilemma, being in love with Nellie and Emilia at the same time, and that she might ask me for advice. I had to take the call I realized. I had to make sure our band’s youngest member had her head in the right place.
Picking up the receiver I said, “Hi Jenny, what’s up?”
“Hi Bette, I – uh, there’s something I really need to talk to you about,” she stammered. I could tell she was pretty upset. “Can I come see you this afternoon?”
I took a deep breath. Well that was going to be inconvenient! But even so, I was almost done with my work, and so I said, “Of course you can, sweetie! We’re family, remember? Let me see…I’ve got a project I really, really need to finish today, but for you I can take an hour away from work. How about three o’clock? Will that work for you, Jenny?”
She sounded relieved when she answered, “Three o’clock will be great, Bette, thank you so much for taking the time.”
“Great! Oh, and by the way, Ina and Nellie won’t be around this afternoon, so we’ll have the place to ourselves. See you at three, Babe Doll!”
“See you, Bette.” She hung up.
I sighed again. I knew I couldn’t afford to spend any time wondering what Jenny wanted to talk about with me, not if I was going to finish my project for Susanna by the end of the day. So I made myself another cup of coffee and got back to work.
I was totally in the flow and hadn’t realized it was already three o’clock, when I heard a tentative knock on my office’s doorframe. I remembered I’d left the door to my office ajar, so Jenny could walk right in. She didn’t though. She just peeked around the door timidly. I looked up from my computer monitor and smiled at her.
“Hey, Baby Doll, come in! You can move that pile of stuff from the chair, put it on my desk, and have a seat,” I told her, gesturing her to come in. “I’ll be ready for you in a minute.”
Jenny did as she was told, while I focused my attention on my desktop again. I noticed Jenny was watching me, and so I looked back at her and smiled. “I’m working on a brochure for a startup biotech company,” I explained.
“Oh, that sounds… interesting,” she replied, sounding as if she had no idea what a start-up biotech company was. I shrugged, smiling at her good-naturedly. “Well, I get a lot of business from this particular client, Jenny, and they pay me really well.”
I saved the files I was working on, and got up from my desk chair. “Sorry to have kept you waiting, Sweetheart, but I have a deadline.”
“That’s absolutely no problem, Bette,” Jenny replied, getting up from her own chair.
I beckoned her to follow me, and she did, trotting after me like a puppy, as I locked the door to my office and walked down the little hallway to a door that opened to the much longer hallway of the main building.
“Now I think we need some coffee, Jenny,” I said, glancing back at her over my shoulder as I made my way for the kitchen, with the black-haired beauty right behind me.
Once I was there I turned on the coffeemaker. While the room filled with a rich, homey aroma, I motioned Jenny to sit down. I took two mugs from out of one of the cabinets, set one on the kitchen table in front of Jenny and another one in the place across from her. She watched me attentively, following my every move, as I put two dessert plates and two forks on the table, and took a covered dish from the fridge, setting it on the table, too. It was a half of a crumb-covered coffeecake, and I grinned when I heard Jenny’s stomach growl. It looked like she’d skipped lunch like I had.
When our coffee was ready, I filled our mugs with steaming hot coffee, and then I sat down while Jenny added sugar and cream to her coffee, and tentatively took a sip. She sighed happily, which made me smile. I took a sip of my own black coffee.
Cutting two slices of cake for us, I put one on Jenny’s plate and said, “Before we start talking serious shit, Baby Doll, why don’t you have something to eat?”
I didn’t have to tell her twice, and Jenny began to gobble down the cake. I suppressed a laugh. Although Jenny could be a badass rocker girl onstage, she also was still rather childlike in some ways.
“Now, Jenny,” I began once she had finished her cake, “Before we start talking, I want you to know that everything we say stays here between the two of us, okay?” She looked up at me, and I smiled at her reassuringly. “I’m not going to talk about it to anybody, unless you tell me otherwise. I’m glad you trust me enough to talk to me, but I should tell you I might not be the best person to ask for relationship advice.”
Jenny blinked at me, and I could tell that the fact I knew she wanted relationship advice surprised and confused her. She hesitated a moment before she answered.
“I trust you, Bette,” she replied, earnestly. “I know you’re a good person, and I’ve come to love you like a sister.”
I smiled at her and offered her another slice of cake, which she accepted immediately, and I a
lso refilled her mug of coffee.
“So, Jenny,” I resumed, watching her attentively. “You wanted to talk to me about your dilemma?”
Her beautiful green eyes widened, and all color drained from her pretty face. “How do you know? Did Nellie tell you about…the situation, Bette?”
I nodded. “Yeah, she did, and she confirmed everything I’d come to suspect by watching the two of you… and your redheaded girlfriend.”
“So you know about my, uh, dilemma?”
I nodded calmly again. “Nellie told me all about what’s going on, Sweetheart, and she told me it was okay for me to tell you that she did.”
Her eyes widened. “Nellie talked to you? About me and Emilia?”
“Yes, of course, she did, Jenny,” I said with a smile. “I told you we’re family, didn’t I? She also told me that she thought you might want to talk to me about it.”
“Oh? Really?” The black-haired beauty shook her head in amazement. “Wow, Nellie’s a really smart girl,” she said.
I nodded again. “She is a smart girl. And she knows you quite well already doesn’t she?”
A dreamy smile appeared on her lovely face. “She’s a really smart girl.”
“And she loves you and wants you to be happy.” I gave her a piercing look. “You do know that too, Jenny?”
She nodded and her smile became bigger. “Oh, yeah, I really do know that, Bette.”
“Did Nellie also tell you that the two of us used to sleep together?”
Jenny nodded again. Her smile disappeared and she began biting her bottom lip. Perhaps she wasn’t happy about the fact Nellie and I had a past together? “But that’s over,” I added. There was a momentary silence as I remembered the time I’d spent together with Nellie, and why I’d broken up with her before things could become serious. I became wistful for a second. Another chance I’d missed.
“There are so many girls who are crazy about you, Bette,” Jenny blurted out effectively stopping my wistful thoughts.
Smiling calmly, I said, “Well, a lot of girls are crazy about the girl I turn into when I’m on stage, and a lot of girls want to fuck me, as you’ve obviously noticed. But that’s all.” I shrugged before I went on. “Not that I’m complaining, but those Crazy Bitches are not in love with me, Baby Doll.”
Jenny looked startled, and she thought for a moment about what I had said. “Oh! I see what you mean. They only want casual sex with you, but they don’t really love you.”
Again there was silence, before Jenny remembered why she’d come to see me. I watched her take a deep breath, before her beautiful green eyes looked at me again. When she started to speak it was evident that she was in distress. “Bette, I don’t know what to do. I’m in love with Emilia, and I’m in love with Nellie, too.” She shook her head, and her long black hair covered her face for a second. “And I hate keeping the fact I’m sleeping with Nellie from Emi, but I’m too scared to tell her.”
I nodded thoughtfully and reached for the pack of cigarettes on the kitchen counter. I took one, lit it, and inhaled deeply. “I see. You’re afraid that Emi’s going to be angry with you? And that she’s going to demand that you dump Nellie for her?”
Jenny nodded glumly. “Yes, and yes.” She sighed heavily, a sigh that came from deep down inside of her. “But I can’t dump Nellie! I love her every bit as much as I love Emilia,” she whispered.
The very idea of Nellie being dumped by somebody she loved was unpleasant. Again I remembered my own foolish actions, but I pushed those thoughts away quickly, well aware that for the moment I had to keep my focus on Jenny. “You’re very lucky, Jenny. Nellie’s an amazing girl, and from what I’ve seen of her, Emilia is, too.” I smiled at her. “And both of them adore you, don’t they?”
“Yes, they do, and I adore them, but that’s exactly why I can’t choose between them.” She shook her head again. “What can I do, Bette?”
Taking a moment to think, I took another long pull from my cigarette, watching the curls of blue smoke rise toward the kitchen ceiling as I exhaled. I fixed my eyes on Jenny with a steady look. “So, you have no intention of choosing between your two girlfriends, then?”
Jenny cringed at my question. “I want them both, but I don’t know how that’s possible,” she said shyly. She blushed and seemed to study her painted fingernails with the nice dark green polish.
“I thought so. If I were a shrink I’d probably have to tell you that you need to break up with both of them, until you know what you really want.” I saw the horror on Jenny’s pretty face. “However, I’m not a shrink and therefore I’m not going to advise you to not see both of them again,” I quickly added. I thought about Nellie before I went on. “I know that Nellie will be okay if you’re not seeing her exclusively. She’s very level-headed, tolerant and smart, and she’s had experience with relationships that weren’t monogamous before.”
“Yes, she told me,” Jenny replied obviously relieved I hadn’t told her to break up with both of her girlfriends.
I nodded and continued. “Of course Nellie’s not the kind of girl who rushes into anything. So, when she does something, you can be sure that she’s thought about it first. And you should do the same thing, Baby Doll.”
Jenny nodded anxiously as she watched me drink the last of my coffee. I thought for a moment before I asked her another question I knew she would have to think about seriously. “Now, do you think you’re going to be able to keep Emilia from finding out about Nellie and you?”
She made a sour face and shook her head, looking worried. “No, but I’m afraid of how she’ll react if I tell her, Bette. I’m sure she’s going to be shocked and she’s going to be really mad at me.”
Nodding, I sighed. “Yes, I think most people would react that way, and I can understand that.” I finished my cigarette and put it out in the ashtray on the kitchen counter. “Try to put yourself in Emilia’s position for a minute, Baby Doll. How would you react if she told you that she was seeing someone else?”
Jenny looked shocked at the idea, but I went on. “Or what if Emilia agreed to accept your relationship with Nellie, as long as you agreed to her having a relationship with Nellie, too?” Jenny’s jaw dropped, but I needed to make things clear to her. “And how would you feel if Emilia and Nellie wanted to spend time together without you?”
Jenny thought about my questions, and the more she thought, the more miserable she looked. I reached across the table, and squeezing her hand I told her in a soft voice, “Sweetheart, you have to think about what you want for yourself, and you need to think about what’s going to make you happy.”
Jenny sighed, and then she nodded and squeezed my own hand. I smiled at her wryly. “Love is a fucking wonderful thing, but it’s also fucking terrifying, too, isn’t it?”
Well, that was something I really knew for myself, didn’t I? For a fleeting second the pretty face of a young Taylor Momsen lookalike appeared before my mind’s eye.
“Oh God, you’re so right, Bette,” Jenny said wide-eyed. “It fucking is terrifying.” She put a strand of her long, jet-black hair behind her ear, and bit her lip. “So what you’re saying is, I need to get over being scared and tell Emilia about Nellie and me?”
I smiled wryly and nodded, squeezing her hand again. “Yeah, Baby Doll, that’s about it. There’s no other way. If you really wanted to make this thing work between the three of you, there’s no other way than being brutally honest. Anything else would be lying and cheating, and it wouldn’t make you happy in the long run.” I paused for a moment, before I added, “Oh, and another thing, Sweetheart.” Jenny raised her eyebrows and looked at me inquisitively. “If Emilia turns out to be as jealous as you think she’ll be, don’t be too hard. Try to be patient with her, and always remember that you’re capable of being jealous yourself, okay?”
She considered that and nodded earnestly. “I’ll do my best, Bette, really. And thank you so much for taking the time for me. I can see why Nellie said I should talk to you.”
/>
“Not at all, Jenny. I’m happy to help however I can,” I replied, smiling. And I really was, although I wasn’t sure my advice would actually help poor Jenny with her dilemma.
She smiled at me. “At least now somebody loves me!” She sighed again and said ruefully, “There was a time when that was more than I could have ever hoped for.”
Naturally, I was startled. “Why would you say that, Baby Doll? You’re loveable.”
Jenny hesitated for a moment. “Well, the thing is…when I was in high school, I…” She shook her pretty head, apparently not sure of what to say. “I was really horrible. I drank a lot, and I was always going after guys, in particular if they were already dating other girls. And once I’d fucked them, I dumped them the very next day.”
She shook her head again and the she looked disgusted, as though she couldn’t believe the things she’d once done. “I had a reputation for being a crazy slut and heartless bitch, and believe me, I earned my reputation.”
I was surprised. I locked eyes with her and said softly, “But that’s not who you are anymore, is it, Baby Doll?”
Wide-eyed Jenny replied, “No, it’s not. I have changed. I’m a different person now.”
I smiled at her, soothingly. “I know, Jenny, I know. So, how did you get from where you were then to where you are now?”
After hesitating for a moment, she took a deep breath and slowly began to tell her story. I listened attentively, asking a question here and there, and made her laugh with one or two of my comments. The more she told me about her past, the more comfortable she became with me, and the more she opened up to me.
At one point during our talk I got up, opened a bottle of red wine and set it on the table. I poured a glass for each of us, and as I handed one of the glasses to her I said, “I know it’s a little early, but a talk as serious as the one we’re having, calls for something a little stronger than coffee.”
Jenny smiled wryly, and we both took a minute to sip our wine, before she went on with her story and told me about her relationship with Sherinia. She was the girl who first convinced Jenny that she loved her and eventually made it clear that to her she was nothing more than just another pretty toy within in her collection of love affairs. When she said that something suddenly dawned on me.
Hard Rock Hot Heart Page 9