The Heart's Desire

by Nahid Rachlin

  She kept trying to reach Karim by phone. On several occasions someone seemed to actually pick up but she could not hear any voices. Once she heard Zohreh’s voice but Zohreh could not hear her and she hung up. On and off the phone would ring several times in a row but when she picked it up there was no voice on the other end.

  She had written him a succession of letters. The first one was the telegram she sent from Istanbul. “… I hope you won’t be too upset to find that we’ve left. I’ll call or write as soon as we’re home and explain everything. Darius is a little better already, don’t worry. My apologies to the family too …”

  Then she had written him the very next morning after they arrived:

  … I’ve been trying to reach you by phone but,

  not surprisingly, I’ve had no luck. Darius is

  already all better, and except for missing you

  and his grandmother he’s fine. The house is in

  order and I’m busy getting my work organized and

  Darius ready for school, but still it’s hard for

  both of us to be here without you. I feel your absence

  in a huge way. I miss you in bed most of all. It has

  been so long since we’ve been in the privacy of our

  room. I miss your arms around me late at night and

  the feeling of your body against mine …

  She had written him again after Darius had been at school for a week.

  … Darius loves the Juniper Tree School. It turned

  out to be a good choice. In fact he’s thriving

  there already. … I haven’t heard from you. It

  frightens me, what’s happening? I never told you about my arrest in Qom …

  Finally, after over a month, she had a letter from Karim.

  … I’ve been trying to reach you by phone too.

  At first your departure with Darius threw Aziz and

  me into a panic. I went on a frantic search for you.

  I found out from the agent at the Turkish Airlines

  that you had changed your tickets—I must have

  looked very sad or upset because he was willing to

  give me that information. Then as soon as I got back

  home your telegram was waiting for me…. We all

  realized how frightened and upset you must have been

  to be locked out of the house. How angry you must have

  been at Aziz for taking Darius away to Qom without

  asking you—but remember she’s an old-fashioned

  woman. She feels a certain authority with her grand

  child. These are misunderstandings that could have eas

  ily been ironed out if you had stayed on. … It was so

  sad to see how Darius had lost his vitality, his playful

  spirit. And it was a pity I had so little time to show him

  and you around. I was absorbed in my responsibilities

  toward my family I had neglected for so long. I know

  you understand. We had an accident on the way to

  Babolsar. My uncle had some injuries but luckily he’s

  recovering well. Then, hard to believe, I lost my passport

  in the frenzy of the accident. Now Pm waiting for a new

  one. Pm hoping it won’t take six months, as they have

  told me. I’ve been to the passport office several times

  pressuring them. I’m trying to make it there for the

  beginning of the term. If I miss a week or so it won’t

  matter all that much …

  His next letter said,

  … How wonderful it would be to just talk to you

  and Darius. Now I’m aiming to be there no later than

  December to make sure everything will be smooth for

  the second semester. Ed wrote a letter, expressing his

  dismay at my taking a leave of absence. … Is there any

  chance that you and Darius could come back? I know

  he’s adjusting well to his school—that’s great news, but

  I’m sure he would do well at a school here too. He was

  picking up the language quickly and this time he might

  be more immune to whatever made him sick last time.

  I know they value you enough at the company to let you

  work for them long distance from here, on a freelance

  basis at least for a while …

  She could not conceive of the idea of going back to live there. Always under the scrutiny of pasdars, a foreigner, she felt she would lose her identity, disappear, the way Karim had felt here.

  Would Karim be fired if he didn’t come back for the second semester, she wondered? Would he be able to find another job? Would she be able to find something worthwhile if they both had to look for jobs in another city?

  At times, in her bewilderment, she thought perhaps it was just as well that Karim was in Iran right now. She could not bear the pain he had felt so much of the time in Athens. She thought again of his saying, “I’m never going to be happy again here,” and realized how thin the delineation was between his unhappiness and hers. Every one of his moods and feelings spilled into her.

  Weeks passed before she had another letter from him.

  … You know how hard it is to just abandon

  everyone and everything here. My uncle is still

  weak, not able to go to work, though he was offered

  a job. I’ve actually taken on a temporary job here and I

  love it. I’m working with a team of experts, all hired

  by a company to reconstruct a small village outside of

  Teheran, heavily damaged by bombs. The work is so

  meaningful, not at all abstract like what I was doing

  at the university there. I know missing one more

  semester is going to be the final straw for Ed.

  Pll have to look for something elsewhere, that means

  we’ll both have to. I’m still hoping you and Darius will

  join me here. I want to do things right this time. I want

  both of you to have a better time, a good life here. I’m

  disappointed that you said you can’t make the decision

  to return here so soon. My heart melts thinking of our

  dear Darius. How sad it is that circumstances have torn

  me apart from you and my little dear boy but I know the

  three of us are strong enough to be able to stand the

  separation as long as it needs to be. I hope you don’t feel

  too alone. That the responsibilities of caring for Darius

  and so much else aren’t too much for you without me

  sharing them …

  No, she couldn’t go there, at least not for a long time. She had just been given a challenging job to do, designing children’s rooms at Athens Hospital, a great chance for her. And Darius was doing better and better.

  Often she stared out at the street from the kitchen window and sometimes she saw a fleeting image of Karim returning home on his bicycle, the way he used to. Over the months she prepared a conversation to have with him when he came back and kept revising it as time went by.