The Sophomore

by Monica Murphy

  I don’t want some asshole in a suit telling me what to do.

  The Uber driver drops me off in front of my apartment building and I climb out of the car, staring at my door. I can hear music coming from inside. The sound of raucous laughter. My heart immediately lightens and I feel like I’m home. With my friends.

  Where I belong.

  I march up the walkway and barge in through the door, throwing my arms up as soon as I enter. “The party can begin!” I yell.

  There are at least thirty people crowded in my living and dining room, if not more, and all of them roar in approval when they spot me. I see members of our football team. Faces I don’t recognize whatsoever. Lots of pretty girls eyeing me up and down. And scattered among them all, my closest friends.

  “You made it,” Eli says as he approaches me. He pulls me in for another hug and murmurs close to my ear, “Just a warning, but my girl and her best friend are plotting your death.”

  “Noted,” I tell him with a firm nod, pulling away from him. “I should avoid?”

  “At all costs,” Eli says seriously, which is not a normal look for him.

  I knew Ellie would be sad. A little mad. But plotting my death?

  I bet I can convince her what I did wasn’t so bad. I have in the past.

  God, I’m such a dick. She should run screaming from me.

  Forgetting Ellie for a moment, I let myself be embraced by our guests. So many people offer their congratulations. Tell me how glad they are that I’m back. I didn’t play much on the Bulldog football team last season, but we’re sophomores now, and I can tell my teammates are ready to embrace me.

  It feels good. I feel welcomed. Missed.

  Loved.

  Diego finds me a beer and we all sit in a circle outside, on the back patio, in the only chairs available out there. People leave us alone, as if they know we need the time to talk. It’s me, Diego, Eli, Tony and Caleb.

  “Why haven’t you signed a record deal yet?” This is from Diego, who’s looking at me as if I’m crazy. “I’m sure they’re offering you all the damn money in the world.”

  I’m privileged AF and I know it. Diego comes from a middle-class family. A single mama who raised her two sons as best she could. He became a dad when he was eighteen, but he’s doing shit right. Sticking with his girl Jos while they raise their baby girl, Gigi. But he’s all about the money. He hustles during the off-season, trying to provide for his family.

  So when he sees me squandering what looks like a good deal, he thinks I’m an idiot. And he’s probably right.

  “Is it the money?” Caleb asks. He also comes from a middle-class family. Solid, hardworking parents. “Is it not enough?”

  “It’s plenty.” I hesitate, not sure how to word it without sounding like an asshole. But too late. I am an asshole, so I decide to just say it. “But it’s not enough for me to take the deal.”

  My dad is fucking rich. He is the manager of one of the most expensive hotels in the Yosemite Valley. Plus, he comes from money. My grandparents were rich too. I’ve had access to whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, my entire life.

  Since my parents divorced, it’s been just me and Dad. Mom lives in Oregon. I used to visit her more, but life got busy—for her and for me. Dad has a girlfriend who’s only a few years older than I am, and they like to party. They’ve almost always been my source of booze and weed.

  Until I went on tour, and everyone else became my source for booze and weed—among other things.

  “How can you turn them all down and settle for this bullshit, when you could be doing so much more?” Diego asks, his voice incredulous. “You’re talented, man. Just—go for it and take the deal.”

  How can I explain to them that I don’t want to give up what he calls ‘this bullshit’? I like going to college. Hanging with my friends. Meeting girls. Being on the team. Belonging to something. I have no siblings. Growing up, I spent a lot of time alone, and I hated it. This is why Tony and I bonded so quick last year. We have similar backgrounds.

  I look around at all of my friends, and I realize quickly how much they mean to me. How much they won’t judge my ass for telling the truth.

  “I’m not ready yet,” I admit quietly, staring at the beer bottle in my hand. I’m buzzing hard. Actually, I’m fucking drunk, and when I have this much alcohol in me, it makes me melancholy sometimes. “I want to play football.”

  Caleb makes an exasperated breath. “Rather sit on the bench than get pussy every night?”

  “He gets pussy every night whether he’s on a bench or not,” Eli jokes.

  They all laugh, with the exception of me.

  And Tony.

  “I get what you mean,” he says to me, his voice quiet. When Tony talks, people lean in to listen. Because he always has something good to say. “Do your own thing, man. Do what makes you happy.”

  I smile at him and hold my beer up, offering him a silent cheers before I slug half of it down.

  Soon, I’m blindingly drunk, telling stories about being on the road. We’re laughing as I describe one of the many desperate chicks who snuck onto my tour bus. How I found her in my bed, buck naked, save for a pair of fire-engine red panties.

  “Did you fuck her?” Caleb asks excitedly.

  “Hell no.” I shake my head. “She was sixteen.”

  They all groan in disappointment.

  Jailbait is to be avoided at all costs.

  “What are you boys doing out here?”

  We glance up to find Ava standing there, looking pretty as can be, her gaze scanning over all of us. When her eyes meet mine, they narrow the slightest bit, and I know she’s not happy with me.

  Not much I can do to change her mind, so I just grin at her in return.

  “Jackson’s telling us stories about his summer,” Eli answers, slapping his hand against his thigh. “Come here.”

  She plops down on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning in to give him a kiss. I watch them unabashedly, wondering what that would be like. To be with someone permanently. To have a steady girl in my life, one I could count on, one who would always be there for me, no matter what. Would I get bored of the same old pussy every night?

  Probably.

  I think of Ellie. How easy she is to talk to. How she accepts me no matter what. I can’t lie—I’ve been tempted to try something with her. See if there is any magic between us. I bet there would be. But she’d eventually have expectations and I don’t think I could meet them. I’m not the commitment type.

  This is why it’s best I don’t try anything with her at all. No matter how much I want to.

  “Where’s Ellie?” I ask Ava once she’s done kissing on my friend. The words leave me without thought, and I realize my mistake when Ava glares at me.

  “Inside. Like you fucking care though,” she tosses at me.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, princess. Don’t be hostile to my friend,” Eli says, running his hand up and down her back in a soothing gesture.

  “Don’t tell me to calm down, Eli. He’s the one who had his tongue down another girl’s throat when we walked into his dressing room.” Ava points at me.

  “He didn’t know we were coming.” This is from Caleb, who sends me a bro nod.

  I nod at him in return. “And may I correct your assessment? She had her tongue down my throat, not the other way around.”

  “Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, it doesn’t make a damn difference,” Ava says, rising to her feet. “You fucked up, Rivers. That girl has been pining away for you all summer. Living for your texts at night. Dying for you to come home. First night she gets to see you, and she witnesses you with someone else.”

  “We’re just friends,” I start, but Ava bursts out laughing.

  “Please,” she says, shaking her head. “That’s what you think. That’s not what she wants.”

  “I can’t control her,” I say morosely, hating how shitty Ava’s making me feel. I don’t need this right now.

  I do
n’t want it.

  “Then tell her how you really feel. End her misery once and for all. You’re just stringing her along. Using her.”

  “I’m not using her.”

  “This is getting way too heavy.” Caleb rises to his feet, stretching his arms above his head. “I’m gonna go find Baylee.”

  “Another girl who’s getting strung along,” Ava says as Caleb starts to walk away. “Stop messing with her head, Caleb! I mean it!”

  “Girl, you need to calm down,” Eli says when Caleb’s gone. “You’re pissing off all my friends.”

  “Funny how you used to hate Caleb, back when he flirted with me,” she reminds him.

  “Ava. Babe. You’re on fire tonight.” Eli shakes his head. “Why you starting so much drama?”

  This is turning heated. The rest of us look at each other, silently communicating as we rise to our feet.

  And get the hell out of there.

  “Why are they fighting?” I ask Tony once we’re a safe distance away. As in, in my kitchen.

  “Things are tense between them. She’s leaving soon,” Tony explains.

  I knew this, but forgot. “Where is she going again?”

  “San Diego State.”

  “Damn. That’s a long way from here.” I scrub the side of my face. Eli and Ava are solid. Things might be tense now, but they’ll make it. I have all the faith in them.

  “I know. Eli’s not happy about her being that far. And I think Ava feels guilty.” Tony glances toward the sliding glass door, watching Ava and Eli duke it out in conversation. “They’ll be all right.”

  “Sure they will,” I say with a nod, glancing around the room. My gaze snags on a dark head, and I know even though I can’t see her face that it’s Ellie. She’s talking with a gorgeous blonde, and I realize it’s Tony’s girlfriend, Hayden.

  They glance over at me at the same time, averting their heads quickly when they spot me already staring, and I wonder…

  “I think your girl and Ellie are talking about me,” I tell Tony.

  “Oh really?” His voice is casual, like it’s no big deal. “Hayden is a huge fan of your music.”

  “You don’t say?” I try to take a sip from my beer bottle but realize it’s empty. Damn it. “I’m thinking Ellie is filling her in on how much she hates me, and I bet your girlfriend eventually won’t like me anymore.”

  “Hayden’s not like that,” Tony says. “She gives everyone a fair chance. Trust me, she’s a total fan. If she wasn’t so into me, I’d be jealous of the way she talks about you.”

  I start to laugh. “You just made my night. Maybe Hayden could be the president of my fan club.”

  “I think that’s more Ellie’s thing,” Tony says, sending me a knowing look.

  “Not anymore.” Her catching me with that groupie in the dressing room ruined everything, I bet. I set my empty beer bottle on the kitchen counter. “I think I’m gonna go talk to her.”

  “Who? Ellie? That’s probably not a good idea.” Tony frowns.

  “Nah, I need to talk to her. It’s the right thing to do. Y’all are giving me shit for what I did. I need to acknowledge her.” Maybe even apologize to her, but shit. I never said we could end up together someday.

  Tony yells at me as I make my way to the two women huddled together on the couch, but I ignore him, too busy concentrating on putting extra swagger in my step. So much, I nearly trip and fall on my fucking face since I’m so drunk.

  The girls witness my near fall and don’t even crack a smile as they watch my approach. They just stare at me blankly.

  Huh. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all.

  Four

  Ellie

  “Stay strong,” Hayden murmurs close to my ear as we watch Jackson stagger toward us. How much did he have to drink anyway? “Don’t let him sweet talk you into removing your panties.”

  “Ha, in my dreams,” I mutter, not even bothering to smile when he stops directly in front of us, his body swaying as if he’s being blown by the wind.

  “Ladies.” He beams, and my heart flutters. I tell it to stop. “Talking about me?”

  “Arrogant as ever, Jackson,” Hayden says, her voice light. Teasing. I need to do more of that. Be light. Teasing. But I’m too mad to be anything but a pissed-off bitch toward Jackson.

  “Well, I couldn’t help but see you two looking over at me earlier.” He plops down onto the couch beside me, so close his warmth seeps into me. Slinging his arm around my shoulders, he leans forward so he can look at Hayden. “Tony tells me you’re a fan.”

  “I’m going to kill him,” she mutters under her breath as she smiles pleasantly at Jackson. “Yes. I’ve enjoyed your performances.”

  “Cool, cool.” He nods, his arm squeezing my shoulders as he tugs me closer. “Ellie here is my most devoted fan.”

  “You don’t say.” The sarcasm in Hayden’s voice is heavy. “I had no idea.”

  “Yeah, she’s been loving my music since my senior year in high school.” He gazes down at me, his perfect lips curved into the faintest smile. “I can always count on Ellie’s unwavering support.”

  “Um, I’m going to go find Tony.” Hayden glances at me. “You going to be okay?”

  I nod, ignoring the flare of panic lighting up my insides at her leaving us alone. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “I’ll come back and check on you in a few.” She stands, pointing at Jackson. “Be good.”

  “Me?” He rests his free hand against his chest, seemingly offended. “Always.”

  We watch her go, both of us quiet. I brace myself for what he might say. Or worse, for someone to approach and draw him away from me. I’m mad at him, but I’m also basking in his presence because, come on. It’s not easy for me to turn my feelings for him on and off. When he shows me those vulnerable little pieces of himself, pieces he doesn’t share with anyone else, I feel so connected to him, it’s hard to break free.

  Like right now, while I stare at him like a lovesick fool.

  “Did you enjoy tonight’s performance?” he asks me, his voice low. Intimate. It touches something deep inside of me, turning my legs to jelly and making me grateful I’m not standing right now.

  “You were great, as always,” I reassure him, wishing he wasn’t touching me. Wishing he wasn’t sitting so close. I can’t think when he does these things.

  “I’ve missed you.” He drops his head, his mouth right at my ear. “Did you miss me?”

  I close my eyes for the briefest moment, wishing my ‘tangled up in him’ emotions away. This is what I’ve longed for all summer. Jackson paying attention to me and no one else.

  I nod, unable to find the words. Too overwhelmed by his nearness. His voice.

  It’s a weapon. One that shatters my defenses every time I hear it.

  “You shouldn’t though,” he says, his fingers drifting up and down my arm, lulling me into this false sense of security. “I’m a prick. You saw me with that girl.”

  “I don’t want to talk about her.” My voice is flat. I refuse to go back to that moment.

  Even though it’s burned into my brain forever.

  “I don’t either, but she’s right there, sitting in the forefront of your mind. Am I right?” When I nod again, he continues, “She means nothing to me. Not like you do.”

  I lean back so I can stare into his beautiful blue eyes. I see nothing but sincerity in his gaze. “Are you just saying that?”

  His mouth drops open. “No. You mean a lot to me, El.”

  “Just as a friend, though. Right?”

  He blinks at me, as if he can’t believe I’m calling him out for his shit. He deserves this. No matter how badly I’m quaking inside, scared I’m going to make him mad and push him out of my life for good, I have to do this.

  “What are you asking me?” He seems genuinely confused.

  “If you care about me so much, why do you get with other girls?” Why can’t he see me as more than a friend?

  He makes a face. “
Come on. I don’t want to have a heavy conversation with you tonight.”

  He never wants to have a heavy conversation with me, period.

  “Wanna go to my room?” he asks, quickly changing the subject. His smile is charming. Devastating. “I have something for you.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask warily. If he says it’s his dick, I’m going to hit him.

  But he’s not Caleb, so I doubt that would be his response.

  “I have a gift. Something I bought you on my travels. Come on.” He removes his arm from my shoulders and pushes up from the couch to stand. He offers his hand to me and I stare at it like it’s a snake about to strike. “Ellie. Come on. Let’s go.”

  I follow his command and slap my hand in his, gasping when he pulls me up so fast, I nearly crash into him. He doesn’t let go of my hand as he leads me through the throng of people congregated in his living room, all of them calling his name because he is the man they’re all here to see tonight.

  He smiles and waves like a damn celebrity, but doesn’t stop. Just drags me down the hall and into his bedroom, hitting the light switch and shutting the door, cutting off all sounds coming from the apartment.

  It’s quiet in here. And an absolute mess. He’s only been home for a couple of days, but his shit is strewn everywhere. There’s a giant suitcase sitting open on the floor with all kinds of stuff in it still.

  “You’re still a slob I see,” I tease.

  “I just got home,” he says defensively, dipping down toward the suitcase and rummaging through the items in there before he pulls a small, flat brown paper bag out. He turns toward me, thrusting his hand out. “For you.”

  I take the bag from him with a small smile, anticipation making me shaky. I peek inside the bag to find a smaller, black velvet drawstring bag. I pull it out and untie the string, the weight of his heavy gaze on me as I reach into the bag and pull out a delicate silver chain with a tiny charm on it.

  It’s a sand dollar.

  “Found it in this little shop on the Oregon coast and it made me think of you,” he says. “I hope you like it.”